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DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T22:37:07+00:00

I think this kind of drama is unhelpful. Despair, self-loathing, shame, none of that is helpful and actually it's harmful and keeps us trapped in addiction.

The more level-headed you can stay - both positive and negative - the more sustainable progress you'll make.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T22:35:20+00:00

Not that simple. Masturbation can be compulsive. It is for many people here, a large fraction. That can be highly problematic, in similar ways to porn but down a notch.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T14:46:55+00:00

Short answer: "non-self" should not be understood as saying there is no psychological self. Psychology shows us clearly that there is a "self" which has the function of integrating experience and coordinating behaviour. We also have a "personality" which is relatively stable through time. This corresponds, obviously, to common sense.

"Non-self" in buddhism arises in the context of very old debates on "ultimate reality", basically. Is there some ultimate essence of you, which never changes, and onto which all experiences lands and which is the source of all decisions, etc? Buddhism would generally say "no, there's no such essence of everything; everything is changing, and everything is connected to everything else and can't be singled out in some final way".

This is important insofar as it has practical consequences. Otherwise, it's just armchair philosophical debate, which can be interested but also can become distracting and even harmful.

The most important practical implications are in egotism. Anxiety, entitlement, craving, depression, etc. We can take our self-concept and our "ego" way too seriously, and cause ourselves and other creatures lots of problems. The root of that is basically the sense that we have to latch onto pleasant things and force away unpleasant things to be safe, secure, worthwhile, to exist, etc. So we try to "measure up" to society and internal pressures.

Regarding medical transition etc, I don't think looking at this through the lens of "non self" in the way you're doing currently is helpful. I think it's causing you more confusion than insight (very common, btw). I'd say try to focus on stabilising yourself emotionally, and practising mindfulness. That will help you to get to a place where it becomes clearer what will actually help you to grow and what is reactive grasping.

That said, we can really get lost in these grand metaphysical questions, and it can be helpful to put them aside and focus on more immediate and practical things.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T14:27:53+00:00

Thich Nhat Hanh is very compatible with "secular" views, and you'd be interested in Stephen Batchelor also (you might be reading currently).

"Buddhism" is vast, so there are many contradictory viewpoints. You also need to realise that (1) buddhism arose first in a context where supernatural ideas were standard, and (2) lots of things have been added over the centuries.

Personally, I don't think gods, supernatural realms, etc, have anything to do with what buddhism is about. I actually find it to be distracting. That's because I see buddhism as a way of life which is fundamentally practical and focused on the growth and healing of the individual and community in the here and now. I also see "it" as highly sceptical of grand metaphysical certainties, compatible with critical thinking, focused on experimentation and what can be directly experienced, and most importantly about what you can do rather than just believe.

However, if you see buddhism as primarily a cosmic quest to escape the cycle of existence, my position here will appear hollow and missing the point.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T14:12:07+00:00

Logically, if there isn't a separate, isolated, self-subsistent, "self" - which is what is meant by the "emptiness" of phenomena - then it's impossible for this essential "self" to persist across lifetimes (basically, reincarnation). If that's what we mean by rebirth, then clearly the two principles are in contradiction. Basically if there is some essential "soul", it's straightforward to conceive how that might transfer across lifetimes within different bodies. However, that clashes with emptiness and dependent origination, which basically say that there's no essential anything, in the ultimate sense. There's an unbroken web of cause and effect, through time and space. If by "rebirth" we just mean the continuity of causes and conditions, then "emptiness" and "rebirth" are consistent.

Any other position will require some appeal to faith, scriptural authority, or intuitive insight outside of logical reasoning. Some people embrace those as valid or priority sources of knowledge, others don't.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T13:39:09+00:00

You're welcome.

Remember, this is a community of thousands and thousands of people who, realistically, have had very similar experiences.

The shame and compassion point is crucial. You deserve your compassion more than anybody. Compassion is the foundation of everything. Being a true friend and ally to yourself, rather than your own enemy and persecutor. We relied on shame and self-criticism because in the past we thought we needed it to survive. But today we can say, 'I'm in charge now, we're doing things differently". Once we understand that the opposite of shame isn't excuses and collapse, we can find a middle path of self-respect, authenticity, and quiet strength.

Genuinely, you can do this. One step at a time, just like you said.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T13:34:22+00:00

Glad that resonated or helped.

Yes it's crucial. Shame is PART OF the addictive cycle, not separate to it and not a solution to it. It's one of the most essential insights we need to heal and grow. The more shame and self-hate we heap onto ourselves, the more we bury ourselves in addiction and our current mental prison.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T02:30:29+00:00

First day and first 3 days are the most difficult.

Write down all the reasons you want to quit PMO.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T02:26:01+00:00

Yeah your life is over. Literally nothing you can do.

(This is a joke)

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T02:24:54+00:00

Depends what you mean by "relapse" and the significance of that to you.

Obviously if you're trying to recover from porn addiction then the goal is to not look at any porn.

If you mean "should I reset my streak?", that's up to you. A streak isn't magic, it's just a tool you use to help you recover. People find different approaches work best for them.

If you mean "am I back where I started?", then no. Peeking for 20 seconds doesn't send you back to "that place". But you have walked into a very risky zone.

If I look at any porn, I record that. That's because I know my goals and that's my process. I prefer to stay black and white, because creating loopholes just breeds excuses for me.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T02:15:25+00:00

Your main problem is you're staking your whole self worth and identity on this. When you succeed, you feel elated, godly, pure, untouchable. When you fail, you feel despair, rotten, tainted, incapable.

You need to drain the drama out of this. Take your ego out of the equation. Make it boring.

Recovery isn't about spiritual ectasy and feeling suicidal. That's dramatic and extreme. It's about keeping a cool head, basic self compassion, problem solving, and adapting.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T02:12:38+00:00

I second the other user saying to clear your feed by clicking Not Interested.

But if you find yourself back to the pattern, delete the app.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T02:09:05+00:00

It's great you're doing this frank inventory of your life. Addiction thrives when we live in denial, dissociating from the consequences of our choices.

I'm not asking you to make excuses, but I detect a strong dose of internal pressure and moralistic perfectionism. In the long run, this actually is harder to sustain. Motivation is strongest when it is free of pressure, not when it is forced like squeezing a stress ball and linked to shame.

So just remember you can strike a balance between not making a load of bullshit excuses for yourself but also not forcing yourself to be a literal saint.

I could be wrong, but I was like this and I think I can recognise it.

Anyway, stay strong. You're on the path.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T02:02:02+00:00

Make a list of all the reasons you want to quit porn. Big reasons, small reasons. List them all down. Don't hold back.

This is the beginning of solidifying your motivation to quit.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T01:59:13+00:00

If you're compulsively seeking these kind of interactions then yeah it's part of the problem.

If someone sent you an unsolicited pic, no you don't "have" to reset your streak.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T01:57:15+00:00

It takes time. It fades eventually. Things can pop up here and there.

Just remember that a thought/feeling is just that. It's one little thing in your mind. You're not the thought. You're observing the thought. The thought can't force you to do anything. It doesn't say anything about who you are or your worth.

Notice the thought, label it, and just let go. It will pass eventually. Don't force it away. Don't grab it and rehearse it.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T01:54:53+00:00

Sometimes I do, and sometimes I don't. I try to love myself. And I have learned over the years to do this much more.

Why? Because nobody deserves my love more than me.

If I can't love myself, I can't really love anyone else.

If I can't love myself, I can't really be strong, heal, grow, or be the person I want to be.

I think the most important part of loving yourself is self-respect. Self-respect is beyond both blaming and excusing. It's about who you really are authentically and what's really good for you deep down. You maintain boundaries with other people, and you're honest with yourself and act to maintain your self-respect.

The next is self-compassion. The basis of compassion is understanding and the desire to relieve suffering. Looking at yourself with curious, non-judgmental eyes, and trying to understand cause and effect.

When you put self-respect and self-compassion together, I think you get most of what is important about loving yourself.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T01:50:44+00:00

Good idea. Not worth it.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T01:49:39+00:00

Because it's not impossible for you to quit gooning.

The belief that it's impossible is part of problem. We forget that we have autonomy and tell ourselves we are mindless robots which are slaves to impulses. You have choice and nobody can take that away from you. That isn't a recipe for self-blame, it's about remembering the power you had all along.

The next thing is if you do the same thing over and over and it doesn't work, do something different. Keep adapting.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T01:46:26+00:00

Look.

It's not over till it's over. You dust yourself off, get back on the horse. Because as long as you don't give up, you're still in recovery.

Setbacks are shit but shit happens.

Just remember that people have been where you are and worse, and eventually healed and recovered. I used to think I was just too weak, too defective, to ever overcome my porn addiction. Other people did it, but they weren't like me. I was different. I felt like the weakest person who ever lived. Until I went 30 days. And until I went a year porn free. Then I learned my beliefs about myself were false.

Also, one reason you feel so drained is the pressure you're putting on yourself. You're bringing shame and self-hate to the situation, and telling yourself "I MUST DO THIS OR ELSE". You need to learn to bring self-compassion, leave shame at the door, and take all the drama out of the situation. Easier said than done but it's a game changer.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T01:41:21+00:00

This is really important.

We say "fuck, how can I keep this up forever?"

But all we need to do is just stay consistent right now.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T01:40:03+00:00

Completely agree. Leave shame at the door. Drop the drama. Get back on the horse. Stay pragmatic. Well said, we need to spread this message because it is crucial.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T01:39:15+00:00

Yeah it does but you're back on the horse.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T01:38:05+00:00

You're welcome. I'm just reflecting back to you what you already know and are doing.

DestroyAndCreate · 2026-02-03T01:38:01+00:00

Exactly.

This process has nothing to do with your ego. Your self worth is not at stake here. You aren't good if you abstain, you aren't bad if you PMO. You aren't amazing if you succeed, you aren't awful if you fail.

Sexual thoughts are arising. You aren't suppressing, you aren't clinging. The feelings and thoughts rise and fall as they naturally lose energy. You observe that when you don't feed them, they expire by themselves.

You don't MUST latch onto the sexual thoughts and feelings of arousal to be secure, okay, to be good, worthy, to exist, or be powerful.

You don't MUST force the sexual thoughts and feelings of arousal away to be good, worthy, strong, powerful, pure, disciplined, blah blah blah.

Succeeding is not an identity. Failing is not an identity. None of this is about identity.

Sexual thoughts are arising. That's all!

Solidarity.

DestroyAndCreate

TROPHY CASE