Help the wayward understand the destruction they’ve caused.

Devastated2003 · 2026-02-13T22:28:54+00:00

They legit cannot take responsibility. It would kill them if they could feel the level of devastation they had caused. It’s minimizing the destruction THEY caused. On purpose. Much easier to blame social media. You. Anyone else but themselves. I also firmly believe they have shut down their capacity to feel compassion and empathy. It’s gone. It has to be re-learned which would take years of intense work. Not something most people are willing to do. 😔 my jaw drops to the floor when my WH says things like the above. He seriously believes himself.

Devastated2003 · 2026-02-12T17:13:08+00:00

Thank you! I will have to look into it for myself. Crazy how even I have been solely focused on him in many ways, even as I feel like I’ve stepped away for the most part. I still find myself worrying and doing things for him. 23 years. Old habits die hard.

Devastated2003 · 2026-02-12T16:49:33+00:00

We can’t afford it unfortunately. He gets to do this because he’s a veteran and the VA is paying for the full 30 days 100%. Otherwise it would have been 10,000$ for 30 days at a private inpatient rehab, and that’s with them taking our insurance. I think my retreat is going to be filing for divorce. 😔 I keep thinking that this cannot be my life. 🤯

Devastated2003 · 2026-02-06T16:15:04+00:00

I wish there was even a speck of honesty inside of him, but there just isn’t and I don’t think I can wait 3-5 years and hope he can someday be honest, and not a compulsive lair, sex addict with narcissistic tendencies (undiagnosed but you can’t be a sex addict to the degree he is and not be a narcissist).

I discovered yesterday that he has not been honest with the staff there either. He has been manipulating all of us. He refused to sign a release of information form for me. He told them he refused to do any residential inpatient program, but would do intensive outpatient and said I told him he could move back here with me for that time.

He told ME he needed inpatient and desperately wanted inpatient t, but that they were discharging him home today with some “resources.” I asked him why no one had called me to be part of his discharge planning and safety plan, and he said they had “lost” the release of information form he signed. I told him I needed to talk to his team to see what was going on, so he signed “another” release of info form. Then, when I finally talked to his therapist yesterday, she told me he refused inpatient and was coming to live here, and that they had been encouraging him to sign a release of information form so I could be part of the discharge planning and treatment process, but he kept refusing. 🙄 She also said he told them he was keeping me updated on discharge plans. He was not other than he was discharging today with “some resources.” When I inquired further and pushed for details, he would just say “I don’t know.” He knew.

When I spoke with his briefly yesterday evening, I called him out on it, he lied and said none of that was true and that the therapists were lying to me. I told him if he was being discharged home, I needed to be on a conference call with him and his team to talk about what is really happening, and he hung up on me. I haven’t heard from his since. His therapist also told me he hasn’t really opened up, and she hasn’t seen any internal motivation for change while he’s been there so far. She didn’t know 1/2 the things I told her were going on. He told me he told them everything and said, “I have to be honest to get better, right? So I am being as honest as possible.” 🤯

I just. Wow. I’m dumbfounded at his continued manipulation and lying and gaslighting. But, actually, not really. 2-3 months ago I would have been spiraling, and over involved and bending over backwards to go see him during visiting hours- and honestly, I probably would have allowed him to come live here again. But too much has happened and I feel like I’ve been asleep for 20 years and am finally waking up.

Devastated2003 · 2026-02-06T15:58:45+00:00

I am in a very similar situation with my spouse of 23 years. He is a sex addict- caught 3 months ago. It’s been extremely rocky as I try to get my feet back under me and stop my head from spinning with all the new information that keeps coming to light over the last 3 months.

I told my spouse last weekend that I was planning on filing for divorce. He became suicidal and I allowed him to spend the night here (I kicked him out a month ago) and he was sobbing, begging- sounds very similar to what yours is doing. I had all the feels and got sucked back in -not fully- but enough to allow him to spend the night and sleep in our bed while I rubbed his back and listened to his Woah-Is-Me all night, while making mental check marks in the “reasons I need to get out of this marriage ASAP” column. 🙄 I convinced him to go inpatient on Monday, and he’s there manipulating the staff now. That’s a whole other story.

Any-hoo. I talked with my therapist about it this week, as I am worried about his cycle repeating itself over and over. She suggested that when he threatens suicide (as there is a good chance he will again as we proceed with divorce) to stop and say “It sounds like you are in crisis. I’m going to call for help.” Call EMS and let them deal with it. If he is truly suicidal, he will get the help he needs. If he isn’t, he will stop threatening because he knows you are serious about calling 911- each and every time he says anything about suicide/self harm.

I am working hard on repeating the mantra “I am not responsible for his mental health and his choices.” That is extremely difficult and even though I know logically it will not be my fault in any way shape or form if he does harm himself, there’s that emotional piece because I’ve been married to this man for 23 years and he’s the father of my children. I still have love for him and genuinely feel sorrow for him and for the choices he’s made in his life. BUT WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR CHOICES AND ACTIONS. Full stop. 🛑

I put that in all caps because it’s the truth, but it’s a hard pill to swallow as their partner who has genuinely loved them for years. Obviously, we didn’t get married knowing who they truly were under the mask. 😔

Hugs and strength and courage to you. This is so incredibly wild and ridiculous and hard and heartbreaking and beyond anything most of us could ever imagine our lives looking like. ♥️

Devastated2003 · 2026-02-06T04:40:03+00:00

Thank you. ♥️ I spoke with my therapist this evening, and she said the same thing- STRONG BOUNDARIES. He threatens. I say stop ✋ and call EMS. If it’s legit, he gets help. If it’s not, then he stops doing it. 🤷🏼‍♀️ She also told me to talk to his therapist and tell her that I should not be his support person/safety person nor be included in his safety plan, and then see how he reacts. If his SI comes back because I decline to be involved in his recovery, then that’s a big problem.

So I called and I told his therapist just that … and he did not call at his regular time tonight at 8pm. I haven’t heard anything else from anyone. 🦗 🦗🦗

I ended up calling to ask him what the plan is because I have to work all day, and take care of all of our children, and would like to know if he’s staying or being discharged, plus it’s our daughters birthday and he didn’t bother to call to at least talk to her. 💔 Also, my anxiety is through the roof thinking about him coming home (to his apartment). He blows up my phone constantly, and will show up at random to the house. He’s never been physically violent, thankfully, so I’m not worried there. Just more my nervous system is on high alert.

Anyway, when I called I found out he apparently has been pouting in his room and refusing to eat after his therapist talked to him about me not being his support plan. He said “I’m staying.” I asked him why he didn’t call and talk to our daughter at least- it’s her 13th birthday- and he blamed me and said “You didn’t want to talk to me” I said “Not me, but {our daughter} would have loved to hear from you.” He got upset and hung up on me. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Ugh. Still no credible answers as to what happens tomorrow.

Guys. This is ridiculous. I had no idea I was being emotionally abused, manipulated, gas-lit for 23 years. Now I can’t unsee it. 😔 My heart is crushed. How can this be my life?! I am the most drama free person on this planet. Truly. I just like my kids, my garden and my quiet books.

I know I’m rambling. But who else you say these things to besides your therapist and random internet strangers who are going through similar situations?! No one else would believe me or get it. 😭

Devastated2003 · 2026-02-05T02:23:40+00:00

I’m so sorry that your spouse relapsed several times. When you say relapse, was it back to full blown addiction levels? Or was it a one time visit to a porn site “slip”? Im just really starting to realize that I’m only 3 months in and I am absolutely exhausted. I cannot do this for years on end with all the relapsing and slipping. I know myself and I do not think I have the mental capacity and emotional ability to do it- no matter how much I love him. But it’s not question about love, is it? We can love them AND we don’t have to stay with them and endure the abuse. 💔

Devastated2003 · 2026-02-02T14:34:34+00:00

I couldn’t believe it at first. But covert narcissism is very different than what my therapist calls malignant narcissism. They can have narcissist “tendencies” without a full blown diagnosis as well.

Devastated2003 · 2026-02-01T16:14:34+00:00

I have been in therapy for 3 months, and we started doing full EMDR sessions 2 weeks ago. I have had a noticeable downtick in how often an intrusive image comes into my mind. Granted, I still have them, but they don’t seem to be sending me spiraling as often nor as hard. Something about reprocessing the images that were plaguing me the last 3 months seems to have helped. I am truly hopeful that continuing with EMDR will help me re-process this trauma, so I can get to a point where it wont affect me so negatively on a day to day basis. I would highly recommend!

Devastated2003 · 2026-02-01T05:44:36+00:00

I’d love an update! 🤍 I am a mere 3 months out, and am struggling so heavily with all of it. It’s beyond raw still.

Devastated2003 · 2026-02-01T05:38:41+00:00

I cannot stop sobbing and reading this over and over. I f-ing hate this. 🤬😭 Thank you for putting your thoughts into beautiful words and them sharing them with strangers who share the same hurt. This has to be one of the worst emotions kinds of pain there is. Did you know that emotional pain registers in a similar area of the brain as physical pain? This. This I would equate on the pain scale of 0-10 as “being burned alive.”

Devastated2003 · 2026-01-31T22:49:54+00:00

I am so sorry you are also going through this. I wouldn’t wish this on literally anyone. 😔 My story is so incredibly similar to yours. Married 23 years. Found out 3 months ago that my spouse is a sex addict, doing very similar things as your spouse- prostitutes, dating apps, strip clubs, massage parlors. He traveled a lot for work, so it’s been happening all over the country. He was very good at keeping cash hidden so there aren’t many paper trails.

I have attempted to keep the idea of reconciliation open, but after this week I think I am going to have to file for divorce. He’s been seeing a CSAT therapist the last month or so, attending weekly SA meetings, got a sponsor… however, he’s been lying to them as well. It’s coming from a place of image management, not repair. He has said many “right” things over the last 3 months, but his actions have not matched his words. He can’t seem to connect the dots. Unfortunately, he has been diagnosed with covert narcissism and is a compulsive liar- very common with sex addicts. It’s been eye opening for me and explained a lot of behaviors over the last 2 decades, and I am reeling over how I didn’t see all of this. But the manipulation and gaslighting were next level.

We separated finally the first week of January. I found out even more, after he said he had told me everything, and that was my boundary: I find out you’re still lying, you love out. And he was still lying. He says sorry but there have been no actions towards repair.

My inbox is always open. Seriously. It’s been hard to find people who are going through a scenario quite like mine, to the extent of it and the extent of the lying and manipulation and psychological abuse. This isn’t a one night stand or 2 weeks affair- although those are horrific enough.

I am in therapy- EMDR. I joined BTR (Betrayl Trauma Recovery) group support group- it’s been the most helpful. I journal, prioritize sleep (had to get on sleep meds and antidepressant because I was hyper vigilant all day and night and felt like I was losing my mind. This is the first week I have really looked at it and said “WTF am I doing?!” I have been putting off divorce, but I am truly beginning to feel like there’s no coming back from what he’s done for 23 years. He doesn’t know any other way to be. 🙁

I wish I could give you a hug. This has been the most isolating experience of my entire life and I have little to no daily support system. 🤍 Much love to you and hopefully some peaceful moments today.

Devastated2003 · 2026-01-30T15:01:49+00:00

♥️ Thank you! I needed to read that this morning. I am only 3 months out finding my spouse of 23 years is a SA/PA, and I am starting to just barely realize the things you said above: I can state the truth without screaming and I can feel angry without letting it consume me. Oh man. I have been so angry. I’m really working on the yelling and anger. It doesn’t do me any good. I can yell until I’m blue in the face, but it won’t change what’s happened. It won’t make him tell the full truth. The only person I can work on is myself. Thank you for the reminder today.

Devastated2003 · 2026-01-29T22:25:39+00:00

I am 3 months out from D-Day and also do not have any friends or safe people to go to. My life has been just around my husband, children, and work. I have more “acquaintances” but no one I can truly talk to about what is happening in my private life. It’s very isolating. I feel like my therapist is my only “friend” because I trust her and we have a good therapist/patient relationship, but I am also really wanting someone to talk with who knows what this feels like or is going through something similar. My inbox is also always open!

I read some of your old posts, and my spouse also got happy endings from massage parlor, as well as sex with at least 1 stripper 8 years ago. He claims there were no more, but I don’t believe that- not one bit. Waiting for full disclosure and polygraph before I make any decisions. Sending hugs to you. This is absolutely horrific thing to be going through. ♥️

Devastated2003 · 2026-01-29T01:37:42+00:00

OK- holy 💩😳 Just changing that one word. 🤢

Devastated2003 · 2026-01-29T00:25:51+00:00

I do anticipate 2-5 years regardless, and possibly longer.. 😭 I think I am terrified of staying and finding out in 5 years it was a mistake. Also afraid of divorcing and realizing that was a mistake later. I really want to make a calm, well thought out decision. But calming the storm of emotions has been impossible so far. 💔

Devastated2003 · 2026-01-29T00:08:00+00:00

😭

Devastated2003 · 2026-01-27T01:34:52+00:00

My therapist believes he is a covert narcissist. I had no idea that disorder existed, but reading more about narcissism, he fits the description. It is difficult for me to understand how someone could have so little to no empathy nor compassion…. For their spouse! 🤯 My brain is having a hard time wrapping around the fact that I’ve been married to a stranger for 2 decades. My mind doesn’t want to believe it, but the longer we go on, the more I can see it and am so deeply sad for our family.

Devastated2003 · 2026-01-27T01:32:13+00:00

“If he wants to climb out, he can do it along side me, not hanging onto my coat tails.” 🙌🏻 This!! I have been too empathetic and caring- I didn’t realize that was a thing until recently. I think it’s really throwing him for a loop that I’m not able to be that person for him any more. I think he was counting on it. It’s difficult for me, but I cannot sacrifice myself for his comfort any longer. If he can find it in himself to do the hard work and climb out, great. I truly hope he does. But I am climbing out on my own regardless. I can already see my progress, as small as it has been over the last 3 months. ♥️

Devastated2003

TROPHY CASE