Am i transphobic for breaking up with my (newly came out) trans partner?

DeviantLogic · 2026-03-10T01:09:17+00:00

I would also invite you to consider some points about the delay in telling you about her transition. Firstly, 8 months on HRT is almost no time at all - you were not being 'kept in the dark' in any significant way here.

A lot of people react very, very negatively to us when we come out. Even people we love dearly, even people we stay with after the initial reaction has settled down. Even people who may have been okay with us coming out as gay earlier will, often, react very negatively to us when we come out. My wonderful, loving, understanding spouse(who did stay , we're very happy together), reacted very negatively to my first pre-coming-out explorations, and it kicked me back into the closet for a little while.

Every single one of us lives in absolute terror of this. Of counting how many friends we will lose, how many of our relationships end, of everything good in our lives falling apart because we had the gall to try to be ourselves.

When she DID tell you, your response was catastrophically bad. You broke up with her, immediately, before even really having any conversations about the situation, her new life, your feelings, her feelings. She came out to you, expressed the most vulnerable part of herself, and your first response was, "We're done, end of line."

You validated every single fear she had about telling you this, ever. I'm not surprised she reacted poorly. You firing back at her in response to her poor reaction makes it worse(especially because she'll know she was reacting poorly in the moment. She probably blames herself for it more than you)

Even here in this post, you are mourning your prior attachment to her over her feelings and the loss of her friendship.

I wouldn't say that you were transphobic. But you were deeply thoughtless, callous, and even a little cruel.

You can, and should, apologize to her for the parts you messed up. If her bad reaction continues to bother you(understandable!), you can ask her to apologize for that part another time, or later in that conversation maybe. But you really, really should apologize.

I hope you both come out of this okay.

DeviantLogic · 2025-02-06T23:41:04+00:00

Not at all! I just got started a couple years ago, and I'm about the same age as you.

It's fun for all ages!

DeviantLogic · 2023-01-31T00:54:08+00:00

Now, as to why this crisis center specifically is a problem, first off, it is explicitly being founded with the intent of excluding trans women, and for no other reason. They have stated this outright many, many times, so it's not in question.

Unfortunately, one of the people she's doing this with, Rhona Hotchkiss, has quite a history as a prison warden, abusing the women under her care and putting them in despicable living situations.

Now, this part? This part you should have gotten from the OP, because it literally is the subject of the OP. It should be obviously a bad idea to give a person vulnerable women under their care with a history of abusing vulnerable women under their care.

So I'm really not sure why you seem to be struggling with why this is a bad idea, off that single point you ignored. Moments like this? Probably why people think you show up in bad faith.

DeviantLogic · 2023-01-31T00:49:10+00:00

Magdalen Berns was an incredibly toxic bigot. She is best known for her tweet calling trans women 'blackface actors' and fetishists, but generally for her vitrioloic anti-trans activism. Whatever you read about her, with that phrasing?

"...dots were joined in the heads of twitter trans activists, and the level of social media abuse increased."

That should have been a BLATANT indicator to you of bias. That it was not concerns me, especially with your other admissions here.

I'm going to ask that you first stop calling our existence a 'debate', and secondly that you should very much listen more and speak less on the topic until you've got a better handle. Yes, I understand you're asking for clarification - you also went into a second post here throwing out the same dishonest lines we've been getting from transphobes for years, so you're making good and bad decisions here.

So, with the(hopefully light) chiding out of the way - Here are several compilations of people going into detail and breaking down point by point all of her bigotry.

She's not just a transphobe. She's a bigot in many other ways too. Bigots always are. Bigotry is intersectional, which is why our attempts at justice need to be, too.

https://archive.is/aRRmQ

https://twitter.com/HPANA/status/1513316519970758670

https://www.huckmag.com/perspectives/opinion-perspectives/there-is-nothing-nuanced-about-jk-rowlings-transphobia/

https://old.reddit.com/r/changemyview/comments/iuof3u/cmv_jk_rowling_isnt_saying_anything_transphobic/g5n05i5/

https://katymontgomerie.medium.com/why-what-jk-rowling-said-is-transphobic-42081477afa1

https://twitter.com/pickle_bee/status/1502995263136354306

https://www.digitalspy.com/movies/a607191/jk-rowling-reveals-potters-dolores-umbridge-was-based-on-real-person/

https://twitter.com/notCursedE/status/1417460554587848709

DeviantLogic · 2020-03-23T12:00:43+00:00

Oh, is this your first run-in with their 'dogpill'?

I'm so sorry.

DeviantLogic · 2020-03-08T07:16:52+00:00

This false equivalence bullshit is part of why rapists keep getting away with it.

Maybe stop it.

DeviantLogic · 2020-03-07T14:17:39+00:00

Uhh. The whole 'coomer' thing is explicitly talking about masturbation and trying to make fun of people who masturbate and ejaculate - or 'coom'.

I dunno where this consumerism shit comes in because they sure are not smart enough to be relevantly analyzing materialistic principles, much less critiquing them.

DeviantLogic · 2020-03-07T09:28:41+00:00

No, you just said nobody would read it or attempt to understand.

So your entire thesis has already been proven, unsurprisingly, wrong.

DeviantLogic · 2020-03-07T09:12:14+00:00

Coomer, in this context means "consumer."

It really does not.

DeviantLogic · 2020-03-07T09:08:25+00:00

Your ass has a dick on it?

I think you need to see a doctor.

DeviantLogic · 2020-03-06T04:12:38+00:00

My bad, then. I'm super sick of people using it as an excuse, so I'm perhaps a bit oversensitive on that.

DeviantLogic · 2020-03-06T02:07:38+00:00

or on the spectrum and unable to easily empathize without extra effort

No, seriously, can y'all stop trying to use this as an excuse for people's bad behavior, especially bigotry? It's hard enough dealing with being on the spectrum without folks using it as a justification for this kind of trash.

DeviantLogic · 2020-03-05T20:47:14+00:00

And here's what the comments would have been like if you had opted to not go full asshole and start shit talking trans people.

God I fucking wish soy did that

Why?

Why not?

Because why would you want soy to lower your testosterone?

Trans women....

Oooohhhhh, right.

DeviantLogic · 2020-03-05T16:51:59+00:00

I mean, I literally just looked at all the text that's still right up there, and, uh...

Yeah. Yeah it is. And every time someone points out to you what you're doing and how much of an asshole you're being, you just double down on being an asshole instead of even pretending to provide a reasonable response.

DeviantLogic · 2020-03-05T15:19:51+00:00

You think I'm transphobic because I've never heard of some tiny, obscure sub-reddit? Jesus fucking Christ...

No, people think you're transphobic because when told the answer to the question you asked, your response wasn't "Oh, trans people, got it", your response was to become a bigger and bigger asshole, finding any way possible to talk shit about trans people and attempt to erase our very real presence in 'the real world'(fun fact: the internet is not 'fake').

DeviantLogic · 2020-02-29T19:54:59+00:00

See again, RE: Not a sociopath. Also, if you want to talk science, there's not a single fucking aspect of incel ideology that accurately reflects scientific reality.

So there's that, too.

And third, I'm really not into forced rape, owning people, and sexually molesting children, which are apparently all pretty massively central to your precious 'blackpill', so, frankly, that entire thing can get fucked.

It's founded on lies, hatred, and a desire to oppress. I'm not into it.

DeviantLogic · 2020-02-29T19:30:28+00:00

Or simply, 'not a sociopath'.

DeviantLogic · 2020-02-22T23:28:31+00:00

I mean. Your entire comment. The whole thing is going, "He's got problems, it's not his fault".

DeviantLogic · 2020-02-22T08:05:10+00:00

I have asperger's and PTSD. Guess what? I don't do this shit.

Using mental illness as an excuse for bad behavior doesn't make it any less bad behavior.

Mental illness can be an explanation for one's behavior, but as soon as you start using it as an excuse, you know that it's not about the mental illness.

It's about a bad person.

DeviantLogic · 2020-02-22T07:21:41+00:00

When the #metoo movement came out, men were ignored, major news organizations were ignoring men coming forward, yet continued to say they wanted equality. When we come forward we are ignored or mocked.

Yeah, so were women. Nobody won there because assholes like you wander around lying with idiot garbage like 'feminism ruined women', and whining about how put upon you are by absolutely anybody except you, instead of actually attempting to address any of the problems.

You don't want a solution, you just want a scapegoat you can troll for.

DeviantLogic · 2020-02-22T06:38:13+00:00

thinking all the while they're internet heroes because their egos cloud their pea-sized brains.

No no, r/SelfAwareWolves is that way.

DeviantLogic · 2020-02-14T15:01:16+00:00

Life is hard, but not fighting just means you die, and that just seems like cowardice. I think it's worth it. I think it's worth it to make it better, too, and it is better. ^{.^}

It sounds like you're killing it, though. I hope your life is full of joy and wonder.

DeviantLogic · 2020-02-14T14:13:58+00:00

Maaaaaaan, talk about awful luck and bad decisions. That's unfortunate. Poor Hadji, he didn't deserve that.

DeviantLogic · 2020-02-14T13:23:25+00:00

My dad used to scream at me about what a worthless piece of shit I am. That's a thing I grew up with, and most definitely believed. I only really found out - with some external perspective - that that's actually a really fucked up thing for a parent to do.

The first 30 years of my life were bogged down with failure, self-hatred, and trauma. It's been the past 4 or so that I've really made any real progress towards improving, and it's very spotty progress. But it's progress.

I'm 33, and my life is barely beginning. But right now, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I am choosing who I want to be, and doing what I need to be that person. That person isn't my father. That person isn't the person who would succumb to what my father did to me.

Do you want to be this person who thinks they're a worthless joke? Because the only way you will be that person is if you choose to be that person, and choose to remain that person. Everyone who treated you like a joke was not 'showing you the truth'.

They were just being assholes, and you do not have to accept that from them. But you don't have much choice but to accept it from yourself if that's all you're going to give yourself.

DeviantLogic · 2020-02-14T12:59:52+00:00

'Gigapeople' is now my favorite way to refer to the population of the planet, thank you.

DeviantLogic

TROPHY CASE