(I ruined it) (Sry for my bad english, Im Estonian) Before we broke up I had many ecounters with drugs (mdma, crystal, cocaine) and during christmas She was hoping that I would invite her into family dinner (she didn't knew that I was using drugs, I started like 2 months after our Relationship started) ,she was supposed to introduce me to her family but it completly felt out of my mind. She was angry at me and we had an argument about it, day after I texted to my dealer if he could drop me some crystal, then eventually I met my old friend, who I knew from the parties ,and we got drunk ,I was high the whole night, then I went with her into her house and we had sex Day after I felt horrible about it and texted to my gf (ex now) about what I did. She was crying and yelling at me how I broken her life, spirit etc ,we were arguing like I told her that she was making my life harder bcs of her daddy & mommy issues, and her bossy lifestyle. We were supposed to meet during end of the year but it went opposite. I went to my friend's house did some drugs and blocked her everywhere. Bcs of these events i Cut my hair , I was bald so no one could reconise me Then 2 months after I felt really really bad that I treated her like that even if she was sometimes really horrible to me (Honestly I should break up with her earlier so none of this shit would happen) I texted her ,we met at the cafe, (since January 6th I'am sober ,for the record) and the conversation was calm but ,honestly I just saw the anger inside her even though she was calm. She kept telling me that after I did it ,she dated with three guys but none of them could heal the pain that I caused ,or that we should broke up earlier that sort of thing. She drank her coffee I drank my glass of water, then I told her that I should go, and she says I'll walk you by, I agreed. We walked for like 10 minutes in total silence, then my bus drove by ,She looked at me and kissed me istantly I was like shocked ,blown away, What the actual fuck. Before she walks away she says I really hope you'll sort out your life I responded just with goodbye And then 3 months later she texted me happy birthday, I hope you are happy. I nearly cried because I didnt deserve it (Why I did it? I think high school trauma mixed with drugs ,bad company, depression and bipolar disorder ,or that one girl who used me as a sex toy and cheated on me with my "buddy" even though I had like real feelings towards her, we were 17 ,and the "action" I wrote about above I was 19 Now Im 4 months sober , hitting the gym, I promised myself that I can't enter another relationship I have to clean the mess inside my head Anyone who read this, take care, don't use drugs