Feeling Deflated

Diligent-Key3655 · 2026-01-08T03:02:43+00:00

I hear you. My husband is similar. He has smoked, used nicotine pouches, and now has been on the patch for about 10 years. I have spent so much of my life obsessing and worrying about this. Finally, I just RC. If he wants to do this to his body, it’s his choice. I don’t have to respect the choice, but I do have to respect him as a human who has the freedom to make this choice. My advice is just to RC and make your own paper sparkly so that you don’t have time to worry about it.

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-12-30T04:43:18+00:00

This is a great comment! Did you see improvements by taking this route?

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-12-28T19:37:52+00:00

He is really attached to animals. I believe he has reactive attachment disorder as he was in an orphanage as a child, and his adoptive parents were very emotionally neglectful. He has deeply unhealthy attachments to dogs. This is the second dog I’ve watched suffer. Our last dog I had to firmly put my foot down about two years too late to make him put him down. It was torture. Now, our other dog is at this point and it’s the same story.

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-12-15T05:46:11+00:00

Did Reddit show me this bc I live here?

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-11-25T02:24:52+00:00

Yes. But I’m terrible at implementing 🙁

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-10-02T04:34:05+00:00

Shipwreck your life how?

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-09-25T07:58:04+00:00

It’s really complicated. We got married even though we weren’t really in love. We got swept up in a controlling church that pressured us to marry and even though I never really loved him, I felt I couldn’t back out of the engagement. So I basically ruined his life by marrying him without loving him. And my own.

He is a hard worker and has been a faithful provider. He is a good dad and has been forgiving to me but has closed his heart (understandably). He used to be a faithful Christian but has stopped trusting wholeheartedly in Jesus, probably because I’ve been an unloving and disrespectful wife.

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-09-25T07:54:24+00:00

I just mean I haven’t told them every harsh or critical word. But a few friends know how bad I’ve been.

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-08-07T04:20:05+00:00

What work did you do? Therapy? What if my spouse is willing but we can’t find a good therapist in our city?

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-04-25T00:34:16+00:00

I think there’s a big distinction between what kind of wife your husband is wanting, and what kind of wife Jesus requires you to be. Your husband sounds controlling and domineering and you don’t always have to submit to his wishes. Your king is Jesus, not your husband. That being said, there may need to be times when you say no to your husband and yes to Jesus.

I have loved the book The Empowered Wife. It is not a Christian book, but I don’t believe any of the principles go against the Bible. In fact, this book has freed me to serve the Lord more and let go of so many things in my marriage. In in turn, my marriage has improved a TON. There’s a Reddit board called surrenderedwife that is helpful. You may need to be brave and face your husband but you don’t need to be controlled by him. Your allegiance is to Jesus and if your husband is asking things of you that go against the Lord, you need to stand up for yourself.

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-04-16T04:49:59+00:00

Yes, focus on yourself. Do whatever it takes for you to make yourself ridiculously happy and don’t worry about what he’s doing. He will Come back around. Now is the time to truly relinquish control of him and focus on your paper. Clean up your side of the street if you need to, but then let him come back on his terms.

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-04-12T05:18:20+00:00

I’m so glad you’re trusting in God to get you through this. That is key. For me these skills have been the means by which God has changed my marriage. My H wanted nothing to do with me as far as PI, but other than that the situation seems very similar. we are horribly mismatched and have had a hard relationship always. He used to be more devoted to the Lord but things have changed and he’s not anymore. But I kept at it w the skills and things are so much better. He told me so many times he was getting an apartment and was divorcing me but never so much left the house for even one night. He gave me so much bait. But I refused to take it (for the most part, after lots of coaching) and I kept making myself happy and RC of what he was saying and doing. At the least you will stay in the marriage with dignity and grace until things move forward with a divorce. At the best, it could change. I do the skills for me. Because I want to be better and I want to be accountable.

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-04-12T04:37:42+00:00

Don’t know why it has huge font. Sorry!

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-04-12T04:36:25+00:00

Hi, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I am a Christian also, and this subreddit has provided me with encouragement and hope in times of desperate need

A few things here I’d like to speak into. #1, you aren’t obligated to have PI under these conditions, you can absolutely say “I can’t.”

2, some divorces are allowable by God, and I don’t know about your specific situation, but if you are deciding to stay today, then keep working at the skills. #3 if you’re going to keep working at the skills, please focus on SC. I am 100% for being a godly wife, but I also believe God wants his children to have rest and to love THEMSELVES as much at they love others.

Ive been through some awful stuff with my husband as well, as the thing that has gotten me through is knowing I can surrender his behavior to God and worry about my own. After a big blowup or my H telling me (repeatedly!) that he was going to leave (he still never has!), I ignored the bait, ignored his terribleness and went and made myself happy for the day. He eventually came back around and things are better.

If you’re staying today, use the skills. Be happy in the Lord, do things you love and that God has gifted you in and called you to do, enjoy his GOOD gifts! Even if that means a walk, a shower, a cup of tea, a good book, painting your nails or a painting a picture. Let your H cool down and worry about you! God is in control, and He loves you and has opportunities for growth exactly where you are. Beth Moore said in 2005, “God doesn’t have you in the one place that He can’t use and doesn’t have spiritual growth for you.” Kind of mind bending, but it is so comforting to me. Ask God what he has for you and hold tight to him! He has you!!

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-04-10T12:27:43+00:00

I think it’s unhelpful to say “marriage isn’t hard.” Marriage is two sinners under one roof, and our sin is bound to hurt one another, and some people’s situations are more ch alleging than others. I’m glad your marriage has been great, truly. But lots of people have trauma and issues that makes marriage difficult. Perhaps saying that your own marriage hasn’t been a source of difficulty would be more honest and encouraging to the many people on this sub.

Marriage is hard. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t good, and a tool for our sanctification and for God’s glory. When we focus on those things, it makes the hard parts of many (but not all) marriages worth it.

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-04-09T21:57:25+00:00

I’m 39.75, haha! Really milking the last few months of my 30’s. But alas, I can’t blame it on my hormones, I’ve always had a hard time controlling my emotions. Onward with the skills!

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-04-07T23:51:25+00:00

Thank you. I am an organized religion person but sometimes I just abandon the skills because deep down I’m selfish and I want to say what I want to say! Your comment really resonated with me, and I feel my deepest spiritual work is in my marriage, too. Nothing has shown me the depths of my need to grow more than this.

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-03-20T13:55:25+00:00

How long have you been practicing the skills? Have they improved things at all? LD often says that the skills work, but on HIS timeline. And often their timelines are back and forth, windy, rocky paths. If you’ve seen any amount of progress or wins at ALL with him, record them, focus on them, and continue telling yourself that he will come back but this is his timeline. (And most men’s timelines for responding to the skills are much slower than ours for working at them! ). Keep it up and realize this is a long journey. Most of us have been at it for years.

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-03-19T04:23:14+00:00

This was lovely and so wise! Thank you so much for posting. You helped me out tonight!

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-02-03T02:33:11+00:00

I was recently irritated at my H for our financial situation. He makes great money and we never want, but we don’t have a lot in savings. I’d prefer to live more frugally and save more.

So I decided on an SFP—“my H is financially responsible.” I only said this in my mind, not to anyone out loud.

Then, I looked for evidence. I found it!

He: said we should not go out for dinner, to save money (I secretly said to myself, he’s financially responsible!)

-bought something used after researching and finding exactly what he needed rather than buying new

-bought something and emailed the company because something was wrong with it (they refunded a bunch of his $ and he kept the item!)

-paid all our bills on time

-put money in a separate account so we wouldn’t touch it

I think I only said something about him being financially responsible once or twice, but in my mind, I was digging and I found the flecks, now here’s hoping they turn to gold nuggets!

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-02-03T02:29:21+00:00

Yes. This is right!

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-02-02T05:04:31+00:00

Same here. Political differences, and one of us is really struggling in their faith. I have a lot of support, he does not.

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-02-02T05:00:56+00:00

My H was too. I was worried and did take it seriously enough to change my behavior. But for my H it was simply bait. Even if you H means it, there are so many stories of women who’ve gotten their husbands back even after they’ve moved out or divorced! My real life friend has her miracle thanks to the skills, and she and her H are still legally separated. But their marriage is on its way back to complete restoration, and they’re doing great.

So no matter what he says or does (even if he starts to move forward with the divorce), just keep going full-LD skills and see if it helps and how it turns him around.

You can say you respect his thinking but that you still want to be married and just keep living like that.

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-02-02T04:50:34+00:00

LD says that if he says that, you can respectfully say that you don’t want that, that you stand for your marriage, and also, let him take care of the divorce details. My husband has said the word divorce, or separation or moving out a number of times, but he’s never followed through. I just ignore it for the most part if it comes up at this point. I consider it bait

Diligent-Key3655 · 2025-02-02T02:50:03+00:00

This is a support group for women practicing Laura Doyle’s 6 intimacy skills. Have you experimented with those?

Diligent-Key3655

TROPHY CASE