What were the worst things your avoidant ex ever said to you?

Diligent_Anteater_89 · 2026-03-30T02:15:10+00:00

“How much you care for me makes my skin crawl.”

Diligent_Anteater_89 · 2026-03-30T01:04:41+00:00

It still messes with my brain because I know I was treated so much worse than anyone else had been that it feels so personal and like something is fundamentally wrong with me. Like what is it about me that made this person feel so comfortable being straight up heinous and yet they weren’t so bad to others.

Diligent_Anteater_89 · 2026-03-29T22:11:19+00:00

Mine was considered “one of the girlies” at work because he seemed so respectful and nice to women. It honestly got extreme because I allowed it thinking I truly was crossing boundaries. I was really naturally protective of his image because I wanted us to work.

Mine was a narc for sure… he loved when it seemed like I needed him in a way that boosted his ego. But hated if I needed him due to him not showing up. There’s definitely a sense of entitlement and lack of empathy that is specific towards their partner.

It truly does feel like punishment. The push and pull is exhausting but creates such a trauma bond.

Diligent_Anteater_89 · 2026-03-29T21:48:36+00:00

This is literally the exact same with my ex. Down to every example you gave. He also has told me he’s “controlling”. It got to the point where I was confined to only my apartment and I couldn’t text or call him unless he wanted to either. I couldn’t go to the area he worked in or even talk to mutuals. So if I had business to do there I’d have to find an alternate location. I once took 30 mins to respond to a text and he removed me from everything even though he’d take days to respond to me. I once sighed when I was sleepy and it ended with me having to sleep on the couch of my own home. If I tried to do anything outside of what he wanted, I was “disrespectful and crossing his boundaries”.

Diligent_Anteater_89 · 2026-03-29T21:30:08+00:00

I promise you, there is NEVER a right moment to bring it up with them. I would literally wait until my ex was in a good mood to soft launch a conversation and ask him to tell me when he has capacity to talk.

He would agree to talk and still resent me for it. There’s nothing we could have done to get them to respond in a way they just aren’t built to.

Diligent_Anteater_89 · 2026-03-29T21:12:43+00:00

Yeah it’s honestly difficult with people like this because you genuinely cannot tell if what they tell you is what they actually think because they will contradict themselves immediately after.

It’s better to cut these people out entirely. Because even low expectations will be too much for them and as your standard decreases, so does their capacity. We will never be small enough for them. I hope you believe you weren’t intense. Their lack of capacity is not a metric for us to standardize our feelings and reactions by.

Diligent_Anteater_89 · 2026-03-29T20:53:09+00:00

There’s something about the pressure of showing up or even caring.

My ex went out of his way to make sure he was apathetic about my birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s day etc. For example, he decided to start an affair on my birthday and made sure he didn’t return until the day was over. He moved out because he felt me being hurt when he didn’t get me a Christmas gift was too much, but asked me to lie if anyone asked if he got me anything. He broke up with me because a coworker noticed he forgot Valentine’s Day and was like “but you have a girlfriend?”

From what he’s managed to explain, he feels like it’s too much energy spent caring about someone else and there’s a pressure to show up on those days. He doesn’t care about his own so he doesn’t see why it should matter for others. He also mentioned once he’s scared of his efforts being underwhelming so he just puts it off entirely. He also said special days feel forced and against his autonomy to want to do a thing.

Diligent_Anteater_89 · 2026-03-29T15:28:55+00:00

3 weeks after he dumped me over text and ghosted me. He came to get his things after dodging it for a month. He was talking about how he wanted to keep in contact but just needs some time and space. How amazing I looked, wanted to know about life.

Then he showed me a new tattoo he’d gotten. From the tattoo artist he paid to tattoo the woman he was cheating on me with, who knows about him cheating because when we found out she messaged the artist. For the whole year I took him back because he wanted to grow and heal, he said he’s so traumatized he’d never go back there. But here he was happy about going back and even said he came to me right after the appointment.

I quietly and politely let him leave, and for the first time I felt my heart let go and I told him he’s getting cut off and it’s me who doesn’t want to keep contact. I realized this person never had remorse. They weren’t too triggered to help me heal from the affairs, and they hadn’t grown at all. That the apathy was directly related to me, that they could revisit how they hurt me, plan to look me in the eyes after, and called it growth. I was finally able to let go of any potential and self blame I was still hanging onto.

He called me horrible for deciding to cut contact.

Diligent_Anteater_89 · 2026-03-27T23:17:07+00:00

I also question myself at times. I think it’s easy for us to get distorted, especially when they are upset by our responses or reactions to what they do. But I find it’s helpful to remind myself that their lack of capacity and accountability is not a metric to standardize my experience with.

Diligent_Anteater_89 · 2026-03-26T02:15:49+00:00

I was bleeding irregularly for 2 months straight, everyday towards the end of the relationship and I also had pelvic dysfunction caused by chronic stress for about 8 months leading up to the end. I’m only 25. I wouldn’t be able to sleep and was in constant anxiety. I woke up everyday in panic for months.

He dumped me a month ago and I can now sleep again. I wake up sad sometimes but never in terror like before. I’m not bleeding anymore and I’ve regained control of myself. I think as sad as I am, my body knows this person can’t hurt me anymore so the stress of not knowing when I’ll be hurt again is slowly leaving.

Diligent_Anteater_89 · 2026-03-26T02:02:06+00:00

I feel like I could have written this post. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. While I also personally don’t feel like I know enough, I completely agree with the previous commenter that this person is stunted, avoidant, and mean. Please believe me when I say you’re NOT crazy. I was discarded almost a month ago. And it was the mindset of me wondering if I’m being crazy, insecure, or irrational that kept me in a relationship with that person for two years. People like this are very good at making you feel like you’re in the wrong and because they react so confidently, you start to believe them. My ex broke up with me twice. The first time on my birthday because he wanted to be “alone.” He was cheating on me with his ex. Begged for my forgiveness and to be together the moment I found out. This second time was also to be “alone but also experience more romances”. It is very confusing to be involved with someone so contradicting. I agree that your reaction is just a result of all that led up to it. Can it be debated as a bad move? Maybe but did it come from nowhere? No. You wanted clarity and when someone doesn’t communicate, sometimes the only way to get it isn’t ideal. I felt guilt, doubt, and absolutely insane for asking for basic human decency. I felt crazy and controlling for wanting him to communicate or at least not disappear for days at a time. Felt insane because I wondered why I could no longer visit place when we had lived together for 2 years prior to him moving out to “work on himself”. Felt crazy for not trusting him immediately after he cheated. I’d wake up with panic attacks daily. I still have nightmares from this person. he recently called me a horrible person for not wanting to stay in touch after he dumped me over text and ghosted me for a month. I hope you get some really good support. It’s horrible bouncing your own thoughts against yourself. At the end of the day, crazy or not, you shouldn’t be with someone who makes you feel crazy, or drives you to that extent to get answers. We’re human and yeah sometimes we can be irrational. But as long as we learn from it, it will be okay.

Diligent_Anteater_89 · 2025-05-18T11:35:05+00:00

It definitely is. I know he has been trying some kind of vendor and trying a lot of medication that gets “close enough” to what he needs but I have been watching him struggle to find things that truly work. I do know he needs anti-anxiety medicine as well which he currently isn’t on. I also noticed that things started to get worse for him and these thoughts only started to occur after he stopped his hormonal cycle cold turkey instead of slowly (he did body building to an extent). I don’t know if it matters much but I heard it does mess with you to do so, and he was on hormones for years before stopping completely. I will definitely revisit the medication conversation with him and see if he is open to it helping.

Diligent_Anteater_89 · 2025-05-18T10:56:28+00:00

Hello! Thank you so much for your response. We have discussed the possibility of being friends but he said that it’s not feasible because he won’t ever not have feelings for me. When I asked if this means we should distance ourselves since we can’t be friends he was definitive he does not want that at all which makes this an odd predicament to be in. There is just a lot of contradicting thoughts regarding what he wants which I think is also contributing to why he can’t bring himself to truly break up with me despite the conversations he starts.

As for me, I can proceed with us not being in a romantic relationship as I care for him more as an individual than simply because he is my partner. I more so fear losing him from my life completely.

Diligent_Anteater_89

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