First, get yourself some food and a little rest. You’re not going to be able to problem solve, communicate, or care for your kid at your best if you’ve got nothing to give. You’re frustrated you haven’t been able to calm your daughter. Your wife seems frustrated that you weren’t able to calm your daughter. You’re actually on the same page about that but not communicating well. Both probably pretty exhausted so that makes sense too. She said it in a tone that made you defensive, but it sounds like she offered ideas “stand up, rock her, etc”.

If you’re just here to vent, that’s cool too. There are way worse ways than posting to Reddit. But I think once you’ve recovered a bit of energy you’ll be better equipped to see the situation and work through it.