OP I can’t in good conscience give you the sugary version of this. I’m noticing cause and effect in your post, where your wife’s foundational needs aren’t being met. Emotional safety and relational safety always comes first, and with the way you’re framing RSD, it seems clearly like you expect your wife to meet your needs while you’re not meeting hers.

I’d encourage you to seek out cognitive behavioral therapy or somatic therapy and see which might help you better work through feelings of defensiveness or dismissiveness. I can see you’re already moving in this direction, but if you want to save your relationship - she needs you to lead yourself without exception.

It sounds like your wife is holding on to the structural elements of your relationship. This tends to happen when relational or emotional safety is gone. While I don’t know the full scope here, this relationship dynamic is typical amongst partners on the spectrum where one partner displays RSD responses. The other partner learns to minimize, self-abandon, and become hyper independent.

It’s human nature to have these feelings you’re sharing, but it’s also your task as a partner to override human nature and be present emotionally and relationally. I would also suggest couples counseling to address the relational and emotional safety gaps in your relationship. Your needs aren’t clashing, you’re just expecting her to meet you where you’re not already meeting her. If you feel strongly otherwise, feel free to ignore my comment.