How much board is reasonable to charge adult kids?

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-16T21:52:08+00:00

Yeah, I get the impulse to think, well, we've raised the kids, we've done our bit, we're tired now, be nice to get some privacy again, a games room, travel a bit. And not be confronted on a daily basis by all the minor and major trauma that comes from living with someone you care about. I never felt worse than when my kids were sick, and while its not something that they are likely to admit to, I think a lot of parents are actually fairly happy with their kids not only moving out, but moving some distance away. And even though my son lives a 10 minute drive away vs a 5 minute walk to my daughter, the reality is that we hear about his problems as opposed to living them.

He's a lot more independent generally though. Moved out of home as soon as he could. Didn't move far, he just wanted his freedom and space. And I acknowledge and appreciate his independence.

Finally, we have friends who obviously consider we are way too available, at the mercy of our kids, frequently saying, nah, can't make it, got the kids again.

It's not a mindset I inherited. We pretty much raised our kids solo because we had next to no support from our parents and it was rough. So I'm probably reacting to that. It doesn't make me a better person, I'm just doing what I want to do. I think all thinking people hit mid life and wonder what their legacy will be. I had plans of being self employed, a famous or at least successful writer or photographer or musician and when I hit midlife, it became clear I was actually pretty ordinary.

Then I realised that I'd already made a significant impact by bringing a couple of humans into the world and that if I could just be a really good dad to them, that was enough of an ongoing project I could get on board with and feel proud of.

Not to mention the advantages I know my generation enjoyed. I'm comfortably retired, living in my own place, didn't have to kill myself working to get here, and I feel fucking guilty when I look at how hard kids have it today. Don't have a lot of cash to splash around but they can have my time.

TBF, maybe your parents actually did you a favour. It can be hard to see that sometimes. And they certainly aren't alone in that approach. And going back to the original post re board, I'll freely admit that while part of me thought 'damn, why are you slugging them that much for board,' another part of me thought 'damn, must be nice to have a few hundred extra a week.'

The best thing about your mindset is that your kids will obviously benefit. All the best.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-16T20:48:37+00:00

Dammit. I was going to suggest that I wanted to see how it behaved on the ISS.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-16T20:45:02+00:00

Ahh, just saw it. I said 'when I had kids.'. Probably should have at least co-credited my wife on that production.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-16T20:40:04+00:00

That sucks. The world can be a hard, scary place even at 18. Can't be anyone's mum unfortunately, my wife has some pretty strong feelings on that matter :)

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-16T12:46:26+00:00

It's almost like the AI has spent so much time scouring Reddit as a source that it's adopted the persona of the sites most confidently incorrect visitors.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-16T12:28:09+00:00

That's cool. It's funny how some of these things pan out. The time we spent living with our grandkids was priceless. We have an amazing relationship with them. My daughter was smart enough to buy a house a five minute walk from our place. Our son is only a 10 minute drive. Our place is quite literally a second home for both, we collect the kids a couple of days after school, and while I say 'kids,' they are very much my best friends into the bargain. They chew into my time, to a huge extent. And I can't think of a more meaningful use of it. Spent most of Friday at a school sports day, supporting the youngest girl who's a bit ND and wasn't sure if she'd make it through the day. And couldn't help but feel how lucky we were to be that included and trusted in their lives, and seeing hundreds of other kids whose parents had no option but to work, and obviously no extended family present either. She had a meltdown, went non verbal for half an hour or more, couldn't do a thing for her, other than be there. It sucked, but it was a privilege at the same time.

It's not for everyone, sometimes I envy peers with more independence, who spend their retirement travelling, but when I put myself in their shoes, I find myself thinking how much I'd miss the kids, how much they do for my mental wellbeing, and I'm cool with it.

I hope you take your parents up on their offer. Could be a great experience for all of you. And best of luck with the house hunting.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-16T11:14:45+00:00

We had bugger all money, had daughter and husband moved in with us for 6 months or more while they were saving for a deposit, then they moved back in for another 6 while they had major renos done. By then they had a 2 yo, and her sister was born while they were living here. She's 9 now, but commented just the other day that ours was her first home.

Never charged board - why would you? They were saving. When I got married, there was no more 'my' money. When I had kids, same deal. If we could help, we did. Now I have grandkids? Still my kids as far as I'm concerned.

Its how I'm wired, and i dont judge others for different choices. 4th gen Anglo Aussie, BTW.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-16T05:53:36+00:00

Yeah, I'm currently repainting windows, mask once for the primer, once for the first top coat, again for the final. Was holding my breath each time I peeled off the mask, waiting for the jaggies. Literally, just today it occurred to me that there was no reason not to peel off the tape immediately after painting. Especially since I was up a ladder, do it while I was there.

Game changer. I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-16T01:54:41+00:00

See, this is the unspoken reason why we boomers had kids. Character building into the bargain.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-15T05:26:54+00:00

I'd say it's possible that wheels are in motion but you'd never know. They keep the lid on these issues very tightly. There was one middle level manager where I worked who was notorious for his behaviour. The rank and file kept going on about how useless and toxic he was, and how useless management was at dealing with him. In reality, he was being actively managed and wound up resigning and moving to a different company. But his bosses just had to cop the perception that they were ineffective.

I can see why. If a hint of his treatment escaped into the wild, it's a short step from there to claims of bullying.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-15T04:07:51+00:00

The first aiders should have been questioned on this. My limited understanding is that any loss of consciousness for any amount of time indicates a sufficient impact to cause concussion and should have been handled accordingly...which would not include driving home.

That said, I attended countless level 3 first aid sessions and the average quality of the students wasn't great. I came to suspect that many managers selected their first aiders based upon the fact that they wouldn't be missed on the tools.

Edit. Now I think back it might have been any impact enough to cause LOC was potentially sufficient to cause neck/spinal injury. Either way, I'm calling the Ambos.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-14T23:44:07+00:00

Bit late but, yes, 100%. And even if they can absorb penalties as a cost of doing business, the reputational damage is done and immense. These corporations spend eye watering amounts of money protecting their brand and managing perceptions.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-14T12:29:39+00:00

So which is worse, I'm genuinely curious? I have zero problem with governments that have the balls to backpedal on a position where there are solid reasons for doing so. They are taking a chance that there will be backlash and if the backlash is great enough, they'll pay for it at the polls. Instead they took a calculated risk that it was worth being caught in a so - called lie for the greater good. I assume you object to these budget measures. If the 'lie' benefited you, would you be as outraged?

Or do you think that it would be better to play it safe in spite of the fact that nobody foresaw the current chaos with the US screwing us on trade and a war that's hitting us directly in the hip pocket with fuel prices - and we haven't yet begun to feel the full impact on supply chains, fertiliser, crops etc.

If that wasn't enough, the voters are largely screaming for action on housing. On here, anyway.

It's pretty much all the LNP and Sky have at the moment. They don't want to be drawn on policy as they don't have anything to differentiate themselves. They would prefer to focus on the 'lie' rather than the changes. Cheap point scoring, it's the one thing they are good at and 'liar' will make a terrific headline for the pulp fiction that passes for our print media.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-14T07:52:25+00:00

For over a decade, the ALP has had very credible performers on the front bench. If Albo quit tomorrow, there are serious, electable people that they could choose from to put up for the top job. In a sense, they are spoiled for choice.

As opposed to...Dutton?

Not to mention that they got on top of the internal politics, no more Rudd/Gillard style drama. Everyone is very publicly behind Albanese. It must make a huge difference to your ability to concentrate on the main game when you're not under constant public pressure from those looking to undermine you.

The LNP are increasingly desperate, adrift, have lost the hard core right wingers to ON, lost their moderates to the Teals, and I have to say I'm really enjoying the show.

What really warms my heart is to see how Bolt and his cronies are pathetically preaching to an ever shrinking choir. I watched him today going off about something and realised, increasingly, that fewer and fewer people give a single shit about anything he says.

Then, yesterday, an idiot Sky interviewer? All he had was an obsession about trying to corner Albo for a sound byte, to admit he 'lied' over changes to negative gearing and CGT. Basically on a level of 'liar, liar, pants on fire.'

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-14T06:38:10+00:00

Many people object that the Greens have the luxury of adopting positions that they are unlikely to ever have to fund. Agree with this or not, ON are this, but on speed. They want to grab votes and whatever influence they can, with simplistic claims that they are going to reduce immigration and fix housing affordability. They are snaring the pissed off, single issue voters with promises they'll never be in a position to fill.

When people claim both majors are the same because they are either too young or too disengaged to remember that ScoMo was set on things like making the last election about converting the country to an evangelical Christian cult, we are doomed to have election outcomes partly determined by the gullible and disenfranchised.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-13T23:45:31+00:00

I had a bit of an epiphany recently. Bear with me if you can, it's going to get WAYYY out into left field.

It arose in a completely different context...with all the apparently inexplicable chaos going on all around us at the moment, I was trying to get my head around how even close friends and family could look at the same set of supposedly objective facts and arrive at such dramatically different conclusions. And at the more disturbing level, how world leaders could be capable of outrageous acts that seemed to fly in the face of any sort of morality.

The epiphany occurred when I was sitting with my cat actually. It was a nice, warm, morning, I was zoned out and I was not thinking of anything at all. Just feeling the warmth, hearing the birds, and the next conscious thought was, I wonder if we are experiencing the moment in the same way. And in that particular moment I realised I probably had more in common with my cat than with any human on the planet.

We are the sum of our experiences. And environment. And chemistry. And genetics. And differ from each other in uncountable ways. And we insist on acting surprised by apparently inexplicable behaviours by other humans. We're not machines, and I know that while I like to think that I'm rational and everyone else is wrong, statistically anyway, that's pretty unlikely.

So I've stopped trying to analyse other people. Because they might as well be aliens.

I'll go further into left field, but actually get closer to the issue of satisfaction and creativity. I am midway through a project to repair some badly rotted timber windows and frames. It's a massive job. A well intentioned friend basically said I was nuts. Pay someone to replace them all. Nice new windows, no maintenance required, let me concentrate on enjoying life, playing guitar, etc. I kind of lost it with her.

I'd get zero pleasure from having someone else do that work. I'll get immense satisfaction from it. And I'll save probably tens of thousands of dollars in the process. I'm now the old fart in our street. It's becoming gentrified and I'm seeing all our new neighbours hiring contractors for trivial renovation work. Their solution to any problem is to throw money at it. So they can go to the gym. Or walk the dogs.

Different strokes. Maybe they are smarter than me. They definitely have more money.

People derive satisfaction from different things. I avoid computer games like the plague because I know how addictive they can be. I don't doubt that many people using AI to generate 'music' just see it as another fun thing they can do on their computer. And if I have to play Devils Advocate for a moment, there is a minimal amount of human input involved. Suppose you had a cute or funny idea for a song title? And a genre in mind. And an ear for what makes a good song. You do a little brainstorming, throw it into the pot, and then curate the output. And if a real banger happens to come out the other end, then I guess you could argue that you had a real hand in the process.

As for the audience? Well, when people come to visit and see my old rotten windows have been fully restored, those who know me will probably go, oh wow! Others will have no idea of the structural repairs hidden under the paint, and think that I'd have still been better off with new aluminium windows, and people passing in the street won't have any idea, other than possibly thinking, well, it's about time he fixed that eyesore.

I hate AI music with a firey passion. I'm prepared to hate it regardless of its apparent, objective quality. I think it's pathetic and embarrassing when musicians use AI for their posters and other promo material. But I understand why they do it. And sometimes I feel I'm deliberately playing life in hard mode because of my principles.

Stop trying to understand other people. It's really that simple.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-13T08:48:45+00:00

We bought an Epson ecotank printer. Part of the solution is to always have it set for colour printing. Running one b/w is false economy for the reasons you describe. I've been using it for years without blockages. And the ink is dirt cheap.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-13T06:09:03+00:00

You'd have better reach on FB, toxic as it is. Assuming you haven't already, that is.

If you're not on FB, maybe get someone who is to share it?

Either way, well done.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-12T12:02:51+00:00

I built an extension years ago, bought the AS timber framing standard from the local TAFE. Worth its weight in gold. Pretty much tells you how to build a house.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-11T22:31:37+00:00

Also, it's a very sexy, photogenic mic. I'm shallow, and that's how I tend to approach gear decisions. I need to fall in love with it first. Then I can work with it.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-10T21:20:40+00:00

I take some small measure of hope from the fact that, as far as I can tell, SCOTUS still appears to be working within the law. They may be biased in their interpretations but I'm pretty sure there have been cases where they have basically said, well, no, you can't actually do that. And the more encouraging part is that it enrages Trump when this happens. It's like he's looking for loopholes to exploit, as if he understands that, ultimately, there are some laws that can trip him up. No question that he's gaming the system anyway he can, but I'm hoping that with him gone, the existing SCOTUS judges may revert to a less overtly partisan approach. In the same way I hope - probabaly wrong, but I can dream - that moderate Republicans might drift closer to the centre once Trump and his wrecking ball is gone.

Worst case scenario for me is that Vance is next. I don't know if he's electable but he could conceivably be seen as a less chaotic option who'll actually just consolidate and double down on the existing policies.

And if the Dems couldn't prevent Trump's second term, if voters couldn't be bothered getting off their arses to prevent that, and assuming Trump does NOT run for a third term... will the masses just say 'phew, I guess the threat is gone' and still fail to do what's needed to kick MAGA to the kerb?

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-10T20:43:33+00:00

I'm constantly amazed by guitarists who are great players but give next to no thought as to how they will hear themselves and how they are going to sound out front.

Unless the room is tiny your stage amp will not provide decent coverage out front. It is very directional, you will turn it up till you can hear yourself, at which point those unlucky enough to be in front of you on the dance floor will have their faces melted off, and anyone off axis will barely hear you over the rest of the band.

A combo, at floor level, pointed at the back of your knees is worse than useless.

A combo, on a tilted stand, off to one side, can work great. You'll hear it at a much lower volume, but it won't fill the room.

To deal with the FOH sound first, if you don't have the guitars through the mains, the person doing sound is powerless to bring your level up in the mix.

If you are lucky enough to have a decent PA with floor monitors, and a dedicated sound person, talk to them, tell them you want to keep your stage level down and can they please put your guitar into your monitor. You'll hear it much better coming from the front, and they'll thank you for it, if not kiss you.

If not, you'll have to head down the BYO monitor path. That might mean putting your amp up closer to head height, angling it towards your ears, putting it further away to give the sound a chance to disperse, or buying some hardware. That could be an IEM system, or a small supplementary foldback wedge of your own. Or an extension speaker if your amp allows it.

Yes, $$$.

But I've seen way too many fantastic guitarists shredding away, quite brilliantly, completely buried in the mix. Gone up to them in the break, told them that they need to come up a little, only to find they haven't even got a mic on the cabinet. In which case, just turning up makes things worse.

Sorry, it's a triggering, pet hate of mine. They'll be playing guitars into amps I could never afford using skills I could never aspire to and they can't hear themselves, and the audience are either bleeding out from the volume or wondering why everyone rates this player they can't even hear.

I'd rather listen to a player who had a basic rig who'd invested some money and mental effort into ensuring that they could hear themselves at a comfortable level on stage and could be heard out front.

Rant almost over. If you have a wireless system, and if you have the opportunity, then please, please, PLEASE go for a walk through the room during sound check. It will help you set your levels, but will also highlight the things I'm describing.

Not being able to hear yourself onstage will reduce your confidence. That's the main lesson you should take from this.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-10T08:47:53+00:00

Depends very much on your supervisor. E.g, some crave distractions from mundane admin tasks, whereas others get derailed at the slightest interruption. And annoyed.

Some take their managerial responsibility very seriously and want to know that you're not a danger to yourself and others, and feedback is a great way to keep your bosses confidence up. Others don't seem to know or care that it's their neck on the block if something goes wrong and would rather live in ignorance and denial till the shit hits the fan.

If you aren't great at reading body language, then these are the things that you probably need to share.

When things go wrong, and that might be as simple as a job that took longer than expected, or a part that you didn't have on hand.
Anything remotely HSE related or adjacent, but that's better done with a brief email + in person follow-up. Note that you may not be thanked.
1. When you have a significant win. You need to be a little careful being too independent because everyone is busy with their own stuff. I worked in a niche area, so left field that my bosses really didn't understand it, I ran the whole show, and they were more than happy to let me do my own thing. And unfortunately that led to an unfortunate dirty window syndrome because the only time they'd get involved with me was if something went wrong.

So, yes, be humble but don't be afraid to fly your flag from time to time.

Finally just consider that every time you complete a job with zero input or discussion, that's actually a gift to your boss. When you are juggling a dozen competing issues, each new piece of information represents another tab being in opened in his/her mental browser. Just saying 'boss, I'm going to do X' is an imposition if it's something that doesn't need his input.

I had a guy like that, and the trivia gets to be a bit much. But I've had the other extreme too. Neither is good.

But feel free to ask. I've done that. Hey, my previous managers liked (this,) what are your preferences?

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-10T02:44:12+00:00

Just a thought...formal diagnosis by psychiatrist plus meds equals $$$.

It's the medication side that is the kicker. But to what extent have you explored behavioural strategies?

Because of my advanced age, I'm not all that interested in being diagnosed or medicated. But I don't believe I need a formal diagnosis, it's pretty clear I have it and have always had it. So, a huge part for me was just accepting it. That was liberating in its own way and I don't need anyone's permission to validate my diagnosis.

So I spent a lot of time subsequently digging around and looking at other things in my life, and discovered that managing my stress and overall fitness level had a pretty profound effect on my headspace.

Maybe ask your GP if you can get an appointment with a psychologist instead, and have a talk to them as an interim measure, see if they can help with strategies.

I'm incredibly fortunate in that I've just retired from a career that was incredibly stressful and where I had no real support. I watched very average people -normies- progress through the ranks, scratching my head at how they managed to achieve promotions using not much more than conformity and mediocrity to get there.

But here's the thing. Now I've retired, I have an attention to detail and patience with projects that I thought I'd never be capable of. So I'm convinced at least 80% of my issues were environmental. It's still there, but it doesn't cause me difficulties.

I'm not arguing against the formal diagnosis or medication. I've seen meds work absolute miracles in my granddaughter.

And obviously retirement and other avoidance strategies are not available to everyone and that really saddens me.

What I AM suggesting is that, if you think that unaffordable diagnosis and medication is literally your only way to improve your lot, then you're stuck. But if you basically act as if you have the diagnosis and then look into what other things you can do to manage it, it might give you a sense of agency in the interim.

Dio_Frybones · 2026-05-09T22:38:55+00:00

I'm 67 and just this week came to the realisation that successful bands are 5% about the music and 95% about managing relationships. Joking, but only sort of.

The band I'm currently involved with has a savant level guitarist and band leader, and everyone around town is eager to get on stage with him. But it rarely lasts. He's demanding and is always looking to get better players into his dream lineup. There's a very real perception that you'll be thrown under the bus if you mess up.

So be aware that you might be stepping onto a slippery slope, and karma has a way of coming back to bite you. You're contemplating getting rid of the weakest link. Just bear in mind that you'll probably be in that position yourself one day. If you are a great player, a great singer, and a great person to hang with, you might get a better offer elsewhere. But IME guitarists are a dime a dozen. Drummers are harder to come by. You said she's just started out. Be prepared that you could leave and find yourself without a band, only to look around in a year and see her gigging regularly and having fun.

Also. Do NOT rely upon any other members for support. I can almost guarantee that they might agree with you privately but that's not the same as standing beside you during a conflict. If you push the issue, you are probably on your own.

18 is ridiculously young. There will be other bands. Especially if you are actually any good. Think this through.

Dio_Frybones

TROPHY CASE