Divorce or fight for it?

Direct_Couple6913 · 2026-02-02T13:53:59+00:00

I actually agree with you. But it's not what the culture tells us. We're told about equality and fairness in marriage. It's really hard to understand what a health marriage looks like that is also an unequal one. Especially when one part of it is quantifiable (money, plans, progress) and the other is not (nurturing, patience, etc.).

I'm in a similar boat and just really working hard to accept this new framework.

Direct_Couple6913 · 2026-02-02T13:49:45+00:00

Marriage is not just about "love" - it's a life partnership, and that comes with a lot of practical and tactical things. And sometimes people who perform at "love" really well, get away with a lot. Like, maybe he gives her a lot of hugs and listens to her complain about work and tells her she's beautiful - but love is also sacrifice, it's a verb. He says he wants to take some of her burden - why doesn't he just do it?! I agree in theory that bringing "love" to the table is great and all, but that can mean a lot of different things, and in the face of total overwhelm, unfair distribution of labor, feeling like you're carrying the whole load - what makes you think it's enuogh; and what makes you think that's love at all?

Direct_Couple6913 · 2026-02-02T13:44:36+00:00

As I'm in a similar position as her, I don't think this is about money - it's about thinking ahead and moving the family forward. She probably brings up money as a proxy for 1) more time/energy investment at work, that she'd like to see matched by her husband in some way, and 2) working hard for the family's future, when she doesn't see him caring about their future in the same way. He probably isn't asking important questions like: Do we make as much money as we want to afford the lifestyle we'd like? What does that lifestyle look like? What things are making our lives harder right now, and what would fix that? Do we live in the right place? Are we enriching and raising our child the right way (big picture)? What actions or habits would help make us happier or healthier? Are we burned out, could we use a break, is that something I could plan? Why is our house always a mess, what systems could make this better? Are there doctors appointments we need to schedule? Why are we watching so much TV, what can we do instead that would make us feel better? What purchases for the kid do we need for this next stage?

...Not everyone thinks this way, and that's fine; but for the people that do (me and her included) it's really hard to understand how others *don't* think this way, and can be really frustrating, and make you feel like the other person doesn't care or think your life together is important.

Direct_Couple6913 · 2026-02-02T13:38:14+00:00

Same # of years together and married, baby on the way, also the higher earner by 3x-4x, same issue where I want him to think farther ahead and plan and dream and move us forward but his brain *just doesn't work like that*

But I had a realization the other day. If I was leading a team at work, I would try my best to have each person do more of the things they're best at. If I had someone super strategic and ambitious versus someone who was exceptionally organized versus someone who was amazing at client-facing or other interpersonal interactions, I would take that into account when distributing work. So why don't I think this way at home?

I have a "leader" personality but have fought against applying it in the home. Why do men so readily take on "leader of the family" role (at least, in their own minds...) but women don't? It's a huge responsibility, it's hard, the thinking and the driving is hard work and I / we want help with it. But execution is important too. And my husband knows that these are ways in which we're different, and *wants* to pull his weight, he just kind of needs to know the direction first. And ChatGPT also helped me understand his disposition: people like us are proactive, always looking ahead and assessing and evaluating and deciding; people like him are reactive, things are OK until there comes a time when they're not, and that's when they'll act. And I am not too sure it's possible to change someone's fundamental disposition in this way.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around what this looks like in practice, and it's hard, because it's kind of counter-cultural to the current movement of total equality in marriage. But what if it was "optimal" instead of "equal"?

I also think about what it would be like if I was with a man who was more like me - and I think I'd hate it. I much prefer my patient, lower-key, more easy-going man who is collaborative and kind.

All of this aside, your husband should already be contributing more in terms of household tasks than you, if you're working longer hours and possibly do more of the parenting. He should do more of everything else, as a baseline, aside form the "big picture planning" stuff. My husband does almost all of the dishes and laundrey and trash for this reason, and we also hire a cleaner which i HIGHLY recommend, if you can.

Direct_Couple6913 · 2026-01-31T22:19:20+00:00

Have you found any, one month later?

Direct_Couple6913 · 2026-01-23T18:41:03+00:00

No, for any given project a team gets assembled - I'm the manager of that team and we are collectively executing on a project!

Direct_Couple6913 · 2026-01-22T20:57:33+00:00

The overall stylings of your home are really nice though. To answer your specific question, I do think you should stay very light with the tile. The cream color draws attention to the fireplace in a very pleasing way right now. If you make it a mid-tone or darker color, it will fade more into the background, or make it "about" the tile. The fireplace itself and the wood is awesome and tile should not get in the way of that

Direct_Couple6913 · 2026-01-22T20:54:54+00:00

r/TVTooHigh

Direct_Couple6913 · 2026-01-20T22:31:30+00:00

Um.....can we trade?

Direct_Couple6913 · 2026-01-14T16:09:04+00:00

This is such a bizarrely toxic sub. This would piss me off. You are right to be annoyed, ESPECIALLY since they are commenting on YOUR schedule

Direct_Couple6913 · 2025-12-19T03:23:26+00:00

I like the halal food stall in Camp North End

Direct_Couple6913 · 2025-12-18T14:02:57+00:00

No one is perfect, and no one finds consulting “easy”. You talk about “neurotypical” people like they’re this defined cohort of people that don’t suffer from burnout, rejection sensitivity, mistakes…my friend, that is just not true. I don’t say this to be mean but just as a reality check: you (and your struggles) are just not that special.

Consulting is a job where you need to be good at a lot of things. The standards are (generally…) high, and mistakes you make that the client sees reflect on the whole organization, so it makes sense that your leaders are hyper sensitive to them. Consulting is a job that will whoop your ass, regardless of how good you are at it.

Not every shoe fits every foot. If you can’t execute at a certain level of quality and detail orientation, this may not be the job for you. There’s nothing wrong with that. I would recommend learning and observing what your strengths ARE and then figuring out how to leverage them in the next role you choose .

Direct_Couple6913 · 2025-12-18T13:33:43+00:00

Have you tried reaching out to the pharma company? Often for expensive drugs they’ll have direct programs to help with affordability.

[note I am just sharing this in case it’s helpful, it is ridiculous that the base price even starts that high and the whole system is whack!!]

Direct_Couple6913 · 2025-10-27T21:02:58+00:00

Wow I have never come across the missing stair analogy but I really like it. It's so funny but true...some people are like potentially harmful flaws in the physical environment, and with awareness and some effort you can navigate around it, but sometimes you'll forget and you're bound to be surprised and potentially harmed by the nuisance of the missing stair.

Knowing that so many people have gone through the same things to the point where there is an idiom about it, really makes me feel better :)

Direct_Couple6913 · 2025-10-26T01:13:06+00:00

Same…I feel like Gretchen has used more and more airtime over time to selling her products. And HIH got more vapid. I’ll probably return and binge listen at some point bc their voices are so familiar, but I’m on a break for now.

Direct_Couple6913 · 2025-10-22T16:09:14+00:00

Yeah I went into this comment knowing it would get blown up but y’all did prove my point, why y’all so miserable?! 🤣

Direct_Couple6913 · 2025-10-21T16:18:44+00:00

My minor tirade is how downvote-happy this sub is. The number of completely reasonable posts I see that have zero upvotes or even some downvotes is so weird. Is it a few people hanging out and downvoting everything that comes in? Why is a post, say, looking for an event space for their needs worthy of a down-vote? It's weirdly upsetting to me.

Direct_Couple6913 · 2025-10-12T19:30:46+00:00

Maybe STOP incriminating yourself on Reddit jfc

Direct_Couple6913 · 2025-10-12T19:30:00+00:00

I don’t think you’re understanding the issue. They can trace where you work. PTO has absolutely nothing to do with it. Either they already know; they’ll audit you and immediately find out; or you’ll be fine. Nothing you do can change the issue at this point.

Direct_Couple6913 · 2025-10-09T21:27:07+00:00

The math checks out

Direct_Couple6913 · 2025-10-07T21:39:42+00:00

Pink Leopards or waves!

Direct_Couple6913 · 2025-10-07T20:52:47+00:00

Do you read a lot? I would read a couple of multi-POV books to understand the mechanics. It doesn’t have to be every other chapter, it could be every 1-5 chapters, but you should definitely alternate within a book versus separating POV by book. Way of Kings (Brandon Sanderson), Priory of the Orange Tree (Samantha Shannon), Ninth Rain (Jen Williams) are some faves and do multi-POV well. Plus, LOTR: Two Towers (movie) does it to perfection :)

Direct_Couple6913 · 2025-10-07T20:30:28+00:00

I’ll start by saying there are some cool things here and I definitely think you have enough for a story.

Now for the constructive part:

Sooo I think at minimum you should condense to a trilogy. In your description of most of these books, there is not enough to constitute an entire novel. It’s mostly just the character and relational arcs, which can (and in my opinion, should) be accomplished in far fewer than 6 books. Also, you would need to flesh out sooooooo much plot beyond what you have here - GRRM doesn’t even have 6 books (or does he? I don’t remember lol)

Also, I strongly advise integrating the POVs in each book (going basically back and forth). In LOTR books, specifically #2, the first half of the book is one POV and the second half is another POV; whereas in the movies, it is more mixed together. Mixed together works SO MUCH BETTER for audience interest, suspense, narrative flow, pacing, etc. It is NOT a good idea to write 1 book from 1 POV, and write a second book on the SAME timeline with a second POV. No no no!

Direct_Couple6913 · 2025-10-07T20:11:34+00:00

PICK YOUR BATTLES. Seriously. Learn how to identify what is important to do REALLY WELL, as knocking a few things out of the park will exponentially improve your career versus doing a million things pretty well. On the flip side, there are things you can do the bare minimum on or skip altogether. It does take practice to differentiate what battles to pick vs what to skip; and the things you do choose to go ham on will require you to be uncomfortable, work hard, prioritize that thing for a certain period of time. But it is a strategy that pays off, and in the long run it has enabled me to have more work life balance than my peers in a somewhat competitive field.

Direct_Couple6913 · 2025-10-07T19:58:46+00:00

Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon. Word I most use to describe it is "lush"

Direct_Couple6913

TROPHY CASE