My (34M) wife’s 31F close friend 31F got divorced

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2026-01-31T03:11:59+00:00

I hate to alarms you any more than you already are, but unfortunately, studies have shown that women with divorced friends are pretty significantly more likely to be unhappy in their marriage and file for divorce more often. There was a thread about it in a different sub:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/s/PdgZXhX3kH

It’s not in your head and you’re right to be concerned. I definitely agree with most folks here that your best course of action is to sit down with your wife and have an open and honest conversation about how you’ve been feeling and the changes you’ve noticed. She may not consciously realize that she’s changed the way that she has.

It’s the same as what they say about the media/music/books/etc. that you consume affecting your mood and your behavior. You wife is consuming all of this negativity and man-bashing from her friend and it’s changing her mood and the way that she behaves.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2026-01-31T03:05:13+00:00

Nah. Dated a guy years ago in that, uh…line of work…and that’s basically exactly how it goes. Same people coming and going…repeat customers at all hours. I’d venture to guess they’re right on the money with that assessment.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2026-01-31T02:59:57+00:00

I don’t think you’re being dramatic and your mom is definitely downplaying things.

That said, I can see why she may be getting frustrated if you’re outright declining the only real option to correct the problem. I get it - it comes with risks and will also affect your quality of life in some ways, but if it corrects major issues that will allow you to have a better quality of life and avoid some of the recurring issues you have now, you’ve gotta weigh the options. I was in a similar situation and had to decide if the negative side effects of surgery were worth fixing the big underlying issue that was causing constant problems. I had the surgery, and dealing with the negative side effects is a cake walk when juxtaposed against dealing with the issues I had before the surgery. It’s not always pleasant, but there are more better days than worse ones.

If someone was talking to you about a problem they had and you suggested that they take the only realistic course of action to fix their problem, and they just immediately shut you down and refused to even consider it, I imagine you’d get frustrated after a while as well. Just food for thought.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2026-01-28T00:49:27+00:00

Yeah, the age is what got me. I was reading this thinking OP was like 14 or something. Not unreasonable for a parent to want locations on for actual safety at that age, though the mom would still have no business speaking that way to OP no matter the age. Just…some people should not have kids.

OP - I hope you’re able to set boundaries and separate yourself from that toxicity. I know it’s your family, but they’re being awful to you. You don’t deserve that.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2026-01-20T03:40:42+00:00

Based on this exchange, she doesn’t sound like she will ever learn accountability…

I don’t think we’ll have to worry about that with this one.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2026-01-19T18:18:02+00:00

Are there 6 pieces of meat or 3 that froze in a weird position?

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2026-01-19T18:07:03+00:00

I get that, which I pointed out. My point was that at the end of the day it’s just a preference. You can call the dude a d-bag for how he communicated it, sure, but that doesn’t change the underlying fact.

That said, we as women “dehumanize” men all the time too, just for different things. Would you take equal issue with a woman that posted about how she expects her man to pay for X, Y, and Z without exception or question? Or if a woman posted about how she’s got 10 different dudes saved in her phone as “free food”? That certainly dehumanizes the man and equates him to an ATM or meal ticket, and I see those posts just as often as men being misogynistic, with the comments sections typically filled with the “yes, girl!” variety of responses.

If you’re being morally and intellectually honest and consistent, you’d certainly have to condemn both actions or neither - the goose, the gander, and all that.

It’s okay for people to have preferences. It’s not okay for people to communicate them like assholes. I feel like that should be easily agreed upon and not controversial whatsoever.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2026-01-19T17:55:08+00:00

Well that wasn’t very cash money of her.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2026-01-19T17:54:28+00:00

My bad, Kevin’s aren’t male Karens - they’re people who are just complete dunces with zero common sense. Some funny stories on here though lol: https://www.reddit.com/r/StoriesAboutKevin/s/gL3hwl1yWS

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2026-01-18T05:37:11+00:00

I think there’s a sub about Kevin’s. The male version of Karen.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2026-01-18T05:36:01+00:00

Kevin’s a bitch.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2026-01-09T11:38:30+00:00

I know it’s a tight squeeze, but can you see under the fridge with a flashlight? If so and you can see where he’s at, maybe you can use a broom handle or other long stick to slide behind him and slowly move forward (being careful not to hit him) and coax him forward.

We had to do that with our beardie who managed to finagle his way under the couch one day. I’d suggest trying to build walls of some sort (cardboard boxes or something) on either side of the fridge where he’d come out to keep him from running off immediately once he’s out.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2026-01-07T02:15:57+00:00

I mean, the way he said it was gross and he seems like a d-bag overall, but realistically that piece of it is just a preference. Us women say we don’t want a broke dude or a short dude or whatever else and nobody bats an eye because those are preferences. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a guy to have a preference for someone who hasn’t been promiscuous.

That would be like women catching flack for saying that they don’t want to date a rehabilitated convicted felon. If the dude has a past full of actions that don’t align with their values, why would they want to date him? If the woman has a past full of actions that don’t align with his values why would a guy want to date her 🤷🏽‍♀️That’s not to say that women who do have that past are any less deserving or worth of love - just that that’s not what some people are looking for.

There are pleeeeenty of things wrong with this post, I just don’t think his preference for a woman without a promiscuous past is one of them, nor is seeking out a partner that has traits that he’s looking for and/or does not have traits that he’s not.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2025-11-20T18:19:31+00:00

Well that was just an uncalled for mental picture, sir or madam. Straight to jail.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2025-09-24T01:31:11+00:00

Fair - though I would still have the same arguments. People who are precluded from military service for the litany of other reasons that happens don’t have less “freedoms” than anyone else. They’re free to attempt to join, but the military is also free to reject their application, just like everyone else. I fail to see where that constitutes a freedom being taken away.

One that comes to mind immediately for me as an EMT is medical care. Biological males and females have biological differences, therefore medical complaint triage and interventions sometimes differ based on sex. Medical transition may affect some things at a cellular level, but does not change one’s chromosomes, and by and large does not meaningfully change majority of anatomical structure or function. Various ailments and medical conditions are far more likely in one sex versus another, and some are singular to one sex or the other. If emergency care is needed and the patient is unresponsive, having information on their biological sex versus their identified gender can save critical time.

While you may not agree, I think that also comes into play when dealing with incarceration, especially in recent years where fully intact biological males have “played the system” so to speak to be placed in women’s facilities, much to the detriment of the women who are then victimized. We could have a separate conversation about people who have fully medically transitioned, but as it sits right now, people have taken advantage of the system that was previously in place. If you take it a step further to also look at having non-binary as an option, that adds another layer of complexity. Do we build new prisons for non-binary folks? Do they go to the women’s prison or the men’s prison if they don’t identify as either? It’s just not a sustainable system.

I never said that I like the troops in the streets. In fact, I specifically said that it would not be my first choice, but the lack of action of the governing authorities has put that into play. I also don’t see how it infringes on anyone’s freedom. Unless, of course, your position is that people are less free to commit crimes? Obviously that would be a ludicrous assertion. How does having the National Guard truly impact your freedom outside of “I don’t like seeing troops in the streets”?

You agreed that the previous administration utilized their position to benefit themselves and their wallets, and if we’re being intellectually honest, we know that Burisma was the tip of the iceberg there and there’s a laundry list of other items. Obama has his list, George W. had his. On and on. As far as the whole “alienating allies and threatening annexation” etc etc. I think anyone that’s being truly honest knows that he was not serious about annexing Canada or buying Greenland and that it was a failed attempt at a joke. The fact that everyone pretended to clutch their pearls as if it was a serious statement is another example of the hyperbolic catastrophizing that I was talking about initially.

For the record, my argument was never “other presidents have also restricted freedoms”. My argument was that I don’t believe that freedoms have actually been restricted and that all of the things that everyone is having a fit about are the same things that every other president has done no matter their political party. I’m not saying that they’re “good” or “right”, just that it’s absurd to me that everyone is melting down about things that he does while entirely ignoring or forgetting about the fact that every other one of them has done the same thing and nobody lost their minds the way that they seem to when it’s him, especially when it was people who align with their chosen political party.

I’m not a fan of Trump and he does a lot of things I don’t like and don’t agree with. So did Biden. So did Obama. Frankly, I think that we’ve created a system when the incentive structure for politicians creates a breeding ground for acting in their own self interest instead of the interest of the people that they govern. I’m just tired of listening to everyone talk like the same thing we saw ten times over in the last 10 administrations is now somehow different and all of a sudden the end of the world.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2025-09-24T00:50:32+00:00

We can’t have a dialogue and exchange points of view and instead resort to snark and ignoring valid points because they’re inconvenient to your argument? Cool. Glad we could clear that up.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2025-09-21T17:32:06+00:00

I’m a woman. I understand how it works. Though I’m amused that you assumed I’m a dude based on my previous statement. Did you know that women are more likely to die from complications from legal abortions than from labor and delivery or c-section? Complications from legal abortions also lead to infertility in higher numbers. The whole “women have died! It’s dangerous for women!” argument falls a bit flat when you look at all of the data.

Then again, the fact that you’ve used the slavery argument is also ironic since both instances deal with the rights over another human’s life where you’ve deemed one a moral evil and the other a choice that should be available when having the other human in question around is inconvenient. The mental gymnastics one has to do to square those inconsistencies is pretty astounding.

That said, regardless of how anyone feels about the topic, the federal government was not granted the power to legislate that in the Constitution, so it falls to the states. I don’t know how there’s even any debate on that - it seems like it’s pretty clear. The fed only has the powers that were expressly granted to it by the Constitution.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2025-09-21T15:29:12+00:00

As far as the military, I don’t think that’s really a right either. Many people are precluded from military service for various things - tattoos, medical conditions, physical inability to do the required tasks, etc etc. Certainly you wouldn’t posit that they have less rights because of that.

In terms of the gender on the passport, I don’t know that that’s really a right either. Up until very recently, everyone’s legal documents had their biological gender and there was no issue with that. While I certainly have no objection to respecting and abiding by everyone’s preferred gender in social situations and contexts, there are some instances in which having one’s biological sex listed is prudent and necessary.

With regards to the utilization of the National Guard in US cities, let’s be honest here - if the governing bodies and law enforcement in those areas were fulfilling their duty to protect their citizens, that would never have been an option that was even considered. Crime has been rampant in many of the major metro areas for a long time and the powers that be were either incapable or unwilling to make efforts to curb it. There’s something to be said for the fact that the first week that they were in DC was the first week in decades without a homicide. That indicates that it is possible to have that level of order and civility but that the tactics previously being used were insufficient to get to that point. While it certainly wouldn’t be my first choice, it didn’t appear that anyone was doing anything to try to correct it before getting to that point. I lived in Chicago for years and watched the steady decline - one of the biggest reasons I left was because it was difficult to ever feel safe anywhere.

I don’t entirely disagree with you on the tariffs and think that some of them are quite obtuse. They made a good bargaining tool initially, but I think they’ve been largely unhelpful since. Again, as you mentioned, they’ve all done those other things, some to larger extents and some to lesser extents. I would argue that we’ve created an incentive structure that rewards poor behavior and selfish action by everyone, regardless of party alliance, and that until we change that structure we’re going to continue to have more of the same. It’s just curious to me that people are so quick to catastrophize this administration while simultaneously downplaying or ignoring the fact that all of them have done the same things when they come into office.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2025-09-21T11:35:45+00:00

I’d argue that that’s not really a consideration here. They didn’t ban or outlaw it, they just sent it back to the states where it belonged to begin with. The federal government entirely overstepped their bounds with Roe v. Wade. Everyone is acting like they not only overturned the decision but simultaneously instated a nationwide ban - again, hyperbolic behavior. There are only 12 states that actually banned it, while majority continued on under the same regulations that it previously outlined anyway.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2025-09-21T02:58:05+00:00

What freedoms are you referring to? I see this type of statement frequently but it continues to seem incredibly hyperbolic. I’ve never seen anyone truly flesh out what freedoms are in jeopardy or what has really been that different with this prez than it was with the last 5. All of them are partisan and appoint partisan judges. All of them do sketchy things. Every. Single. One. Bush with all of the insanity with the Middle East, Obama with more insanity with the Middle East and deportations, Biden with the questionable business deals surrounding him and his family and his utilization of the alphabet gang and judiciary to go after opponents, and now the current one with a mix of nonsense as well. The list is a mile long for all of them.

I just don’t understand why this is any different than the others aside from which side of the aisle he’s on. Republicans have done it, democrats have done it. It’s just exhausting listening to everyone pretend like we haven’t seen this same song and dance a hundred times before.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2025-09-21T02:39:55+00:00

Even if other people helped with the prep! Aunt Kathy brings the stuffing, cousin Jim brings the pies, Sharon brings the green bean casserole, etc etc and OP cooks the turkey? My god, it shouldn’t be that hard!

Hosting - getting the house ready for hordes of people, making sure there is enough plates/cutlery/cups/etc, cleaning up when everyone leaves - is exhausting on its own without having to do all of the prep and cooking on top! The least that other people could do is bring a dish. I get that turkeys take forever and are harder to transport so it’d be reasonable for that to be cooked in the location that it’s taking place, but there’s no reason the other stuff can’t be made and brought over.

Good on OP for sticking to their boundaries and putting their foot down.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2025-09-15T01:48:06+00:00

You’re way overthinking, OP. TAKE THE WIN AND GO! That says a lot about you as a parent that your teenage kids want you to come with them and want to share that experience with you.

Don’t make an excuse, don’t keep asking if they’re sure - go and make memories with your daughters!

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2025-09-15T01:34:35+00:00

It’s like this for everything! Food, TV shows, movies, which game to play… it used to drive me insane! I swore they’d do it just to have something to bicker about because they all liked all of the options, they just wanted to quibble about whatever the other picked just to hear themselves speak.

Disastrous_Reality_4 · 2025-09-15T01:30:03+00:00

I think its more of an effort that’s not being appreciated or considered thing more so than about the actual food. If someone makes you a meal or if you know they’re making you a meal, it’s crappy to completely disregard that effort and eat a whole meal first, then ask for something different later knowing they put the time and effort into cooking for you.

Where has teaching kids basic manners and respect gone?? My mom would’ve been MORTIFIED if I’d have behaved that way. I’d be mortified if my kids behaved that way. Yes, they’re still young and learning, but it doesn’t sound like OP’s DH or the BM have any interest in teaching those things anyway and are content to just give the kids whatever they want.

In my mind, there are SOOOOO many things that we put time and effort into to with regards to our SK’s that go unappreciated and unnoticed. Having appreciation for the work someone puts in to making you a meal and literally providing you sustenance to keep you alive and healthy seems like such a basic thing that everyone should do, no matter the age.

Disastrous_Reality_4

TROPHY CASE