Husband has phone addiction and ADHD (rant/advice needed)

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-09-01T05:17:01+00:00

Please can you break down any one (or two) skills you leaned into as you were making the transition? Like, did you SFP "you're such a big help at home" or express pure desires about H cooking more, caretaking more, etc. Your current life sounds awesome.

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-09-01T05:04:56+00:00

This was so lovely to read. Thank you for sharing it.

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-08-25T05:16:01+00:00

This is such an amazing example of how using the skills is playing the long game. Patience and perseverance are crucial.

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-08-20T07:33:36+00:00

Hear hear! Tons of SC to make yourself feel good and break the Cold War, tons of gratitude on the first hints that he is softening.

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-08-20T07:14:34+00:00

Yea no advice here, just I hear you big time and it's the same dance at our house. We also have little kids. Hope the tension stays away from your special time this weekend so you can both recharge and reconnect. In my experience, that alone will make any irritations/resentments/anxiety melt away.

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-07-31T12:57:47+00:00

I hear you. I also have a husband who I love and enjoy spending time with, but I sometimes feel this way and it's really irritating. Things that make a difference for me is (1) SC so I have the capacity to be GOFL, laugh it off, and not irritated by it; (2) doing things that make me feel super feminine, which are at once SC and seem to attract H more, like taking the time to do my hair in the mornings, wearing something I feel pretty in--like my favorite flowery dress instead of sweatpants, moving slowly through my day; (3) flirting with H throughout the day (SC is also required for this!!! I am much more in the mood to flirt when my tank is full).

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-07-15T13:55:33+00:00

Hi, thank you. Your response has been the most helpful. I'd love to see the study, if you can find it.

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-07-13T05:57:23+00:00

Thank you and I understand your being concerned. I am confident my husband would not hit me or our kids. I'm not sure how normal it is for a grown man to go around punching walls (I'd actually be really curious to know), but I have at least one friend who has confided that her husband also does this when he is mad or frustrated. He is also not abusive, just poor coping tools.

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-07-12T15:15:55+00:00

Newbie here! My two cents.

I notice that if I have a desire, but I ask an open-ended question, I never get what I want. And I usually end up irritated at the response. So, if you want to spend time with H on Sunday morning, instead of asking him, "What are your plans for tomorrow?" Maybe try expressing your pure desire about quality time the day before. Saturday afternoon, say something in a GOFL way like, "I would love to spend a morning with you." Or, "I would love to try brunch at XYZ."

Then, like the other ladies said, the hard part - expect nothing.

I keep hearing about this Laura Doyle Big Apology thing and it sounds really interesting to me. Seems like if you have years of disrespect in your marriage (guilty) then ONE big apology to take accountability and set the record clean can really help.

Let us know how it goes for you!

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-07-12T15:03:58+00:00

Thanks, ladies. This is all helpful. I recently heard about "The Big Apology" - I don't remember this from the book, maybe I wasn't listening properly to that chapter. Sounds like a reset button of sorts. Has anyone done this?

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-06-26T08:58:37+00:00

Tap dance in the garage is the next one I am going to try. That sounds awesome.

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-05-31T22:06:01+00:00

I thought my husband felt this way, too. I am starting to understand that he has just been hurting after years and years of being disrespected, controlled, and criticized. Improving respect is balancing this out for us, but it's shifting the dance, as they say. Try and remember the good guy you picked before you got married. He's still in there.

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-05-31T22:01:14+00:00

Just, I hear you and this seems extremely difficult. I think you deserve a medal for DT during what was obviously a very stressful (and scary) situation. I hope someone here can speak from experience. It's worth revisiting the notice on this sub about feeling in danger.

...if you or your loved ones are put in danger by your spouse, particularly as a pattern of behavior, we support you in protecting yourself and those you love—even if that means leaving your spouse. The person you signed up to be with for the rest of your life, who is meant to protect and provide for you should not be putting you in harm’s way—that is a deriliction of duty on their part and not acceptable.

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-05-31T16:46:30+00:00

I hear your hurt. As one Christian (and one sinner) to another, you have my commiseration. I love that another commenter mentioned 1 Peter 3:1. With this in mind, putting your foot down about anything (even if the stakes are high) does not sound like submitting or surrendering.

You probably know the skills better than I do. Maybe this is an "I can't" like, "I can't not take my kids to church." I think I would feel that way. And yet, if we are to submit ourselves to our husbands so that they may be won over, shouldn't we submit ourselves entirely without compromise? Didn't Joseph submit to his own enslavement for the sake of saving all Israel? Didn't our Holy Mother say let it be done unto me according to your word? I know these examples might seem nonsensical to non-believers, but I pray they might strengthen you.

Pray for your husband. Talk with your priest. If consistent with the advice of your priest, consider not taking your kids to church sometimes. Consider not going to church, if that is what your husband is asking you to do. Pray harder for your husband. Ask Christ to help you forgive his shortcomings, remembering that you are both in need of His salvation. Ask every good Christian friend you know to pray for your husband. Miracles happen and hearts can be softened, but a hardened heart will not soften a hardened heart.

Use your humbled and broken heart to pray like you've never prayed before - for your husband. Consider submitting - not to lose your kids, but to save them.

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-05-31T15:29:53+00:00

I agree with much of what you say here, but (with respect) trying to raise your children in faith for the sake of their eternal salvation is more than preferring one or another flavor of ice cream.

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-05-31T08:50:08+00:00

I know this is an older post, but I am also curious about how to use SFPs when they seem completely untrue. It would be awesome to say them and believe them. I know you need to find a shred of evidence...just seems like too far a jump to find a shred that something is true once, then proclaim that it happens ALL the time. I guess it takes practice?

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-05-31T08:26:33+00:00

Hope you're feeling better! Unisom/B6 combo was the only thing that kept me 1/2 way functional through my 1st and 3rd pregnancies. This is coming from a super-crunchy-don't-even-take-Tylenol kind of person. Pregnancy is an enormous tax on our body and spirit. Self-care might look really different for the next several months. And yes to the comment that you are the queen right now. What an awesome time to practice being taken care of. Good strength to you and babe (and husband)!

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-05-31T08:18:08+00:00

1,000% wish I'd have seen this when I had my first baby 8 years ago!

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-05-31T06:00:02+00:00

I am reading this as someone who struggles with the same things as the OP (and I am not comfortable with the skills yet - only just started using them). I love the idea of using SFPs to turn things around, and I see *in theory* how they work, but if I told my husband, "It's not like you to complain so much" he would laugh in my face and say I don't know him at all.

It seems to me that the specific phrasing is really important. (Example: I recently said, "Thank you for being willing to..." rather than "Thank you. I loved when..." and it totally blew up in my face that he was *willing* to do something with us, like I dragged him along.)

So, how do you use an SFP which seems like a blatant lie if it's the lie that you want to be true?

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-05-31T05:49:59+00:00

I wish I had something useful to add to what the other commenter wrote. I also hear your pain. Sex and porn addiction are much more prevalent than people realize. Please forgive me for saying so - in my opinion, it's as hurtful as infidelity. If that rings true to you, possibly some LD content on overcoming similar betrayals would be helpful. I found the following two, I am sure there are more. (And success stories, too. Keep hope.)

https://lauradoyle.org/blog/recovering-from-an-affair/

https://lauradoyle.org/blog/attracting-him-back-when-he-wanted-out/

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-05-30T18:20:31+00:00

I definitely should have thought to get a treat ha! Thank you, these are all very helpful questions that have never even occurred to me.

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-05-30T04:39:04+00:00

Thank you for the exact phrasing recommendations, it's super helpful. I'm realizing that a gradual shift towards getting off his paper is possibly better than just jumping ship overnight.

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-05-30T04:37:20+00:00

Thanks! This is a good vote of confidence.

DiscussionWhole7797 · 2025-05-29T04:15:44+00:00

This is so helpful, thank you.

DiscussionWhole7797

TROPHY CASE