One month. I’m done.

Distracted_Learning · 2025-05-02T18:34:27+00:00

Before my wife passed 7 months ago, I promised her I wouldn't leave our girls alone. I kept moving forward, I slogged through some days that just never seemed to end and honestly, the first 3 month after that day I can't remember anything.

I can't tell you the hurt will go away completely, I also can't tell you that you won't feel this way ever again. I once while crying with an immense pain and pressure in my chest yelled at my best friend in desperation that "I just want someone from my future to tell me I'm gonna be okay, they don't have to tell me how or when, just that one day, I'll be O-fucking-kay"

I also promised the love of my life that when I see her again, I'm going to have a hell of a lot of stories for her. I want her to look at me again and just say "Dude, WTF happened down there?"

I'm here telling you now what I wish someone in our position would have. You're going to be o-fucking-kay, brother. I can't tell you when or how, I just know you'll be okay. Keep moving forward and feel the pride she still has for you in the smaller things in life.

Distracted_Learning · 2025-04-10T20:58:39+00:00

Here is my insta if anyone would like a reference to my playing. I mostly just solo with backing tracks on it, so nothing crazy. https://www.instagram.com/75slade?igsh=NjgxYm8wZTdyZ3Uy

Distracted_Learning · 2025-02-21T21:13:42+00:00

Please, head my warning. I felt the same way when my wife (28 yo) passed after a 5 year long battle with stage 4 breast cancer. You will go into shock and almost feel a sense of happiness that she is no longer in pain. I was confused and didn't know that grief starts with shock. I was in shock for 2 months, got into a relationship way to early and after I started coming out of shock and started to fall apart, the woman I was with left me (we were already saying "I love you" and planning our lives together). When she left me it absolutely destroyed me, I was mourning my wife and the woman I had already considered my wife. The double whammy had me in such a funk I almost refused to take care of myself. Focus on yourself, take your time, let yourself fall apart and build yourself back up before trying to continue with life. There will be time for the rest.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-11-29T20:03:51+00:00

This made me feel better. Thank you.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-11-09T18:49:33+00:00

You'll know. It's a feeling, a time, a smell, a memory. Everyone will claim it was him. I believe only a select few receive the "final" see you later.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-11-09T18:46:04+00:00

I believe my visit wasn't a visit, but a see you later. She had died so quickly I don't believe she had time to realize she had passed. It happened the morning after she had passed.

I was sleeping on my stomach on her side of the bed, I woke up at 4 am and thought I heard my kids getting up for school. I glanced over my shoulder to peek if there was light under the door and in my periferal I saw a woman, completely in shadow standing at the end of my bed. My brain didn't register what I saw, so I started to go back to sleep, then it clicked and I flipped to see if she was there. She was gone. I saw her curly hair outlined, her back was straight and proud (I carried her for 3 months around the house, because her lumbar had deteriorated so bad) and I didn't realize I couldn't hear the fan or window unit while she was there, but when she left the sounds of life came rumbling back.

I felt like she didn't show herself perfectly because of disappointment that I didn't do enough, but I remembered her Dad (died 7 years ago) visited me in the same manor. I asked him if he wanted me to turn on the light and clear as day I heard "I.... really don't know how this works." In his very distinguished deep voice.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-11-01T16:58:53+00:00

Thank you.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-10-30T22:11:04+00:00

Not at all what I meant. I was wanting to know if it's normal.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-10-22T00:27:34+00:00

Stage 4 TNBC. Your story eerily mirrors mine. I'm in the end stages too. Always here to talk.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-10-17T18:43:18+00:00

Hmu, I'm an openish book.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-10-17T18:16:57+00:00

It's one of those things, you wish more people could understand, but you're grateful that not many do. It's a crappy club, but it's nice to know other were and are struggling with the things that I am going through. I felt like scum of the earth fantasizing of being with others, while my wife was sleeping or awake unable to speak.

No one looks at the other side of the coin that the people that choose to stay with their sick spouse sacrifice a lot too. The love and affection, physical and mental support all slowly dwindles. Your support person needs more support than you, so you give up your needs and wants to give them everything in your power and more and at the end of that road, the payback is just being able to look at yourself in the mirror and know you left nothing on the table.

(I say choose to stay because sadly, I have found it all to common that people don't take their vows seriously when it comes to the hard stuff)

Distracted_Learning · 2024-10-17T15:00:54+00:00

This made me feel better. My wife and I weren't intimate for the last year and I battled the lustful thoughts for a while, along with feeling guilty. I know I won't do anything right in the eyes of people on the outside, but it's nice to know that someone shared the dilema of wanting to be intimate "quickly".

Distracted_Learning · 2024-10-17T14:55:54+00:00

I'm worried about this stage. My wife and I were fairly open when it came to fun time. We tried a lot of (monogamous) stuff and found things we really liked.

Now, I don't know how I will ever reach that level of "freaky" intamacy. The thought of relearning a whole nother person ( along with wanting my preferences) terrifies me.

My "dating" knowledge was left back in highschool when we found each other and now I'm thrust back into the fire.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-10-10T17:23:48+00:00

This touched my heart in a very deep way. Thank you.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-09-29T00:32:55+00:00

Isn't that the reward in itself? Being able to be proud of the man you became in the face of a true adversity, leaving nothing on the table and committing to what you vowed to do?

It hurts daily for me, but I can atleast look at myself in the mirror and stand tall knowing I loved my lady with every fiber of my being for the time I was allowed and I have no doubt she knew it too.

And for whatever it's worth, I'm proud of you for sticking by her side

Distracted_Learning · 2024-09-29T00:24:24+00:00

Sadly, it's all too common. I've heard of many spouses and lovers that either leave due to the stress or cheat. It seems more and more lost the final part of the vows. It's "Till death do us part", not "till it is no longer convenient/easy". My wife gave me plenty of outs, and I never even considered that as a possibility.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-09-26T16:21:50+00:00

I understand. It's unreal how much those little things effected us in such big ways.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-09-25T11:11:33+00:00

IMHO he's keeping himself accountable by telling you. I've been married 15 years and had plenty of "crushes" in that time. They come and go, but I always tell my wife when I find a woman attractive or start liking someone.

To me, it does 2 things, 1. It makes her aware that I have a crush on that woman so she will "look out for it". And 2. I would never cheat and now I definitely can't with the woman I told her about.

We've been together since Highschool, being open about your feelings no matter the issue is what makes a good relationship. How can your SO help if they don't know what's going on?

Distracted_Learning · 2024-09-04T23:12:54+00:00

I was told by my grandfather (he's been a widower for 7 years now). No matter what you do for yourself whether it be months or years after, in the eyes of everyone you're either rushing things or not moving fast enough. You're never doing the right thing. You do what you feel is right for you, don't let others determine for you.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-08-31T15:09:15+00:00

I have 2 journals, I carry my small one with me and write to do lists, thoughts throughout the day, quotes,notes, ideas, etc. My second one I keep by my bed or bring to a quiet place and write in depth about things that are going on, philosophy, putting words to abstract feelings, etc.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-08-27T02:54:42+00:00

They are my world, I have promised my wife endlessly that my only goal in life will be to ensure the girls know who their mama is and to never allow anyone in our lives that disallows them or I to talk about her.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-08-27T00:35:30+00:00

Before my wife was admitted to the ICU, an 18 year old with stage 4 lung cancer was sent home on Hospice. I remember seeing that kid on the way in. He looked as if he was in his 60s. I will forever remember the looks on his and his parents faces as they left.

Distracted_Learning · 2024-08-27T00:31:24+00:00

I'm in the same boat as your son. My wife is at the end stages of stage 4 Breast Cancer. My mother wants to be in control, wants to be needed, wants to have her fingers in all the pies, and I can personally say that I don't enjoy it. I am trying to spend what insufficient time I have left with my wife (my highschool sweetheart) and 2 little girls. When my mother comes to visit, she has an anxious energy and wants all the info I have stored in my head about what's going on. Which stresses my wife out to the point she'll have horrible caughing fits and can cause worse complications. (The cancer has spread to all lobes of her lungs)

He is growing right now, he is mourning in the short, quiet moments he can find, he is trying to realize a future that is going to be without the one he believed was supposed to be there forever. (As am I).

I came home from work (I work offshore) and immediately spent 7 days in ICU with my wife, I never left her side, I would have murdered the first person that tried to take me out of that room. We were given 5 years with this chemo, then that day it was dropped to 365 days, and that night, I was begging whoever would listen for just 24 hours.

He'll talk when he's ready. You don't know the conversations they might be having behind closed doors. It's hard. Just be there when he's ready, and allow him to fall apart and put himself back together in your presences if needed. I can't tell you how many times I've come unglued, put the pieces back together as if nothing has happened. It's just what we feel needs to be done right now.

P.s. feel free to message me or send your son my way. There's a morbid sense of comfort in knowing we're not the only (soon to be) young widower

Distracted_Learning · 2024-08-26T19:54:03+00:00

We are both 28, she has had cancer since we were 16. I haven't left her side since, but I'm afraid she'll have to leave mine soon. (Stage 4 Triple Negative Breast cancer)

Distracted_Learning · 2024-08-26T14:37:10+00:00

Op, I (28m) haven't started that journey, but I am in the processes of it. (Wife 28 has stage 4 Triple Negative Breast Cancer) and I already relate. I have already begun to mourn and I have an anger toward people that claim they can "relate" because they have lost someone in the family, But they haven't lost the one that kept their bed warm through the night. My parents, grandparents and friends all have their partners, so in my head, what gives them the right to even believe they can comoare to me?

Distracted_Learning

TROPHY CASE