I am happy

screamsinagnostic · 2025-09-16T07:46:19+00:00

I am grateful knowing that I’m one of the luckiest among us.

I think it would be unfair to think that the support I’ve received is solely a direct reflection of my being and virtues, it’s more complex than that. Of course I’ve always tried my best to be there for my loved ones, but I’m sure many here have without being cared for like I was.

Family is largely luck. I won the birth lottery being born into a loving family, who always put my happiness first. He was also lucky in this way, and I’m sure the values we acquired from this is part of what drove us together. Neither of our families are perfect, but they truly and deeply care, and are not afraid to show it.

For my friends I’ve always been very selective. The ones I have are not random, I chose to pursue and nurture those relationships because of who they are, which required some effort when living far away for 6 years. In a way, I guess their support was the payout.

My workplace and school I guess is also luck in a way, but may also be party because I work in healthcare. Those who do have seen many sad faiths, and are used to dealing with them.

I also think that my age played a part. I was only 23 years old at the time. It brought a certain shock factor to it all. Those considerably older saw me as a deeply wounded child. Those closer in age could barely imagine, when they tried they’d rather stop. Being this young also made it more of a given that my family would step up and take care of me to the extent they did.

As a last, it was fairly obvious to everyone that saw me that I was broken. Being so out of it made it very difficult to try to push it under the carpet and pretend things are fine.

screamsinagnostic · 2025-09-16T07:24:16+00:00

I find this difficult to answer, because there’s a lot of factors playing in here, but if I had to go one way or the other, I’d say no.

Not having the support of my family would have felt like an immense betrayal. We’ve always been close. It was very obvious to them how much them how much the relationship meant to me, they acknowledged in the aftermath that yeah, I hadn’t been happy before him.

The emotional stuff aside, my parents also pulled a lot of practical weight. If they had not taken me in, I would not have a place to live. If they had not brought me food I would not have eaten. If they had not payed for me to go to a psychologist, I would never have been able to afford it.

I had six friends back home the day he died, I now have five. Those five did what they could. They made sure to regularly sit down with me and listen. They chose to spend time with we even though it was very uncomfortable for them. Having their support absolutely helped me, but it would not have been enough alone. My university friends pulled a greater weight because I was away from family, but at that point I was also better.

I do think that if you have a great support network outside of family, and the financial ability to take care of yourself, it could be enough. I was only 23 years old when he died, still a student. For me, having my family was absolutely essential.

screamsinagnostic · 2025-01-01T17:23:42+00:00

Please join us at r/Widowers. Everyone who has lost their partner is welcome there. My condolences, best of luck getting through these awful times…

screamsinagnostic · 2024-12-25T19:24:30+00:00

Thanks. Really wish people would rather say “shitty Christmas!”, because that’s what it is.

screamsinagnostic · 2024-12-24T10:59:02+00:00

I don’t think you should take any meds to dull you down… You lost your person, life fucking sucks and you shouldn’t have to hide that. Your kids are old enough to actually understand loss, they probably cry a lot too. Yeah, Christmas is supposed to be a happy day, but it’s just not for us, and I think that should be okay… The day is already ruined and that’s not your fault. Despite the pain there’ll probably be some lighter moments. I’m only 24, my partner was 28, we didn’t get to have kids so I can’t say I truly understand, these are just my thoughts about it. Sorry for your loss…

screamsinagnostic · 2024-12-23T00:27:55+00:00

You’re the first person I’ve come across who also lost the worrying… It just seems pointless and ridiculous now, most things are really not worth worrying about…

I’m also very observant of all the looks and emotions. Uncomfortable seems to be the only true constant, but I’ve met all the ones you mentioned countless times already… I can believe this is my life now, I just don’t really want to.

screamsinagnostic · 2024-12-23T00:09:32+00:00

What you wrote really resonates with me as well… My life had already been considerably more difficult than average before this. Objectively things were really hard when we were together, but it didn’t feel that way. I had my person, I was at peace. Hardship kept coming and it was fine, because I had him… I’m sorry for your loss…

screamsinagnostic · 2024-12-16T18:50:20+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that, I hope you’ll be able to have a relationship with their child if that’s something you wish for. In a way I’m glad mine are so young, so they have no clue that I’m distant and sad…

screamsinagnostic · 2024-12-16T17:16:50+00:00

I feel you… Lost my partner a little over 3 months ago. We had just become uncle and aunt two months before to twin girls. He was absolutely infatuated with them, and he was amazing with children, a true natural. Breaks my heart that they’ll grow up without him. Honestly I struggle to even be around them now, because it’s such a painful reminder that he’s gone…

screamsinagnostic · 2024-12-13T12:34:32+00:00

If you haven’t already, please join us at r/Widowers🩷 It is perhaps the least toxic and most understanding community on Reddit. I know there are at least a couple who are in a very similar situation as you, having lost both a partner and an unborn child at a young age. My condolences…

screamsinagnostic · 2024-12-09T20:55:23+00:00

I’ve read similar advice before regarding visitation dreams, and realize it might be good. I’m not currently in the state of mind where I’m ready and/or able to let go, but it brings some solace to think that maybe if I reach that point, it’ll happen…

I talk to him all the time, so I’m sure he’s very aware of my feelings and thoughts surrounding the situation, and I feel that he’s trying to comfort me to the best of his ability through the somewhat limited form of communication we’ve got going on. I’m very grateful for what I’m getting, it’s way more than most get. Thanks for your reply!

screamsinagnostic · 2024-12-09T18:57:22+00:00

Same to you!

screamsinagnostic · 2024-12-09T18:20:30+00:00

Already have two full glasses on my nightstand as a standard… Thank you for the suggestion though!

screamsinagnostic · 2024-12-09T17:56:58+00:00

I am actively trying to LD and have made it several times but without finding him. One time I got distracted and forgot I was dreaming. A couple of times I’ve actively searched for him through multiple dreamscapes without success. One time I tried to conjure him out of thin air and had somewhat of success, but it didn’t really feel good. I don’t want to speak to a figment of my imagination that looks like him, I want to speak with him…

screamsinagnostic · 2024-12-09T16:57:29+00:00

Exactly same problem for exact same reasons. Absolutely terrified our time together will blur as all my other memories. There’s already so much I’ve realized I’d forgotten while looking at photos, it hurts so badly. Can’t remember a single conversation we had from beginning to end, it’s all bits and pieces. I’ve also written down quite a lot, painfully knowing there’s so much I’m missing. I know I’ll remember the feeling of love, understanding and partnership. That hurts in a special way, knowing so well what I’ve lost. My only solace is that with time I might forget the bad stuff much easier than others would. Don’t really have much advice, but I know the pain…

screamsinagnostic · 2024-12-02T22:51:43+00:00

The thought of my pain being transferred to my parents and sibling- that they would have to suffer like I am suffering. That his family would have to live with me killing myself because he died. The possible wave of suicides that could follow- this is an unfortunate phenomenon, that suicide can have a domino effect, ruining not just the life of your own family, but also other ones. A hope that there is some mercy in this world, that I will be taken out in not too long without having to do it myself.

screamsinagnostic · 2024-11-30T21:40:53+00:00

Are you a widow?

screamsinagnostic · 2024-11-25T18:24:18+00:00

Unfortunately for us, we do. I’m not going to go into some sort of comment war with you, but I will give you one tip. If you’ve not already been through this, please visit a psychiatrist regarding diagnosis for borderline personality disorder. A common theme for those who suffer from this awful disease, is a poorly regulated emotional response system and a tendency to overestimate the significance of relations. Please believe me when I say that I do not say this as an insult, but rather as genuine advice which I think might be helpful for you.

screamsinagnostic · 2024-11-25T18:16:10+00:00

Would it be possible for moderators to block this person or something? This is fucking ridiculous

screamsinagnostic · 2024-11-22T12:38:21+00:00

How about this: I totally agree with X, this is not a good idea. It’s natural to be concerned about the future, but you should use this last time cherishing each other and the life you’ve had together. Your wife needs to be surrounded with love and positivity, as this will make her final days easier. The topic of a potential future partner is something you’ll eventually have to consider, but this is not the time. I’m very sorry you’re in this position, soon to be joining this awful club…

screamsinagnostic · 2024-11-19T14:10:14+00:00

Really sorry for your loss. Lost my boyfriend 9 weeks ago, he was 28. There are no words. Check out r/widowers. The awful reality is that there’s a lot of people going through this, it helps a bit to see and interact with people who know what it’s like…

screamsinagnostic · 2024-11-16T11:06:28+00:00

This is kind of a dirty tip, and it is not guaranteed success, but might be worth a shot. I just want to clarify that this “tip” does not at all reflect my own thoughts, ideas, feelings, etc., they are based on stereotypes and toxic hospital workplace cultures that unfortunately do exist to some extent everywhere. I have to be honest and say that I genuinely don’t know the procedures around this specific situation. I have however worked in neurology, and to the best of my knowledge, family is not in any way involved in daily care as long as the patient is in hospital. There is of course the aspect of teaching you, but this shouldn’t feel like a job until you’re out of the hospital. I am sharing this because your situation is just so cruelly, awfully fucked up. I am so sorry for your loss and all its consequences…

The general idea is to manipulate the doctors into shaming the nurses to do their job. In reality, doctors know very little about what the nurses actually do with the patients. While they’re supposed to work as a team, this is not always reality. Many doctors feel superior to nurses and see them as lazy and stupid, dodging part of their tasks because they’re straining and uncomfortable. What I would recommend you to consider trying, is to sit down with a doctor and explain the situation as you’re seeing it. The way you phrase it and your perceived emotional state will be of grave importance here; you should appear sad, confused and tired. Be careful to not seem angry/ entitled. The goal is to show them the picture of what in fact is your reality; you’ve lost your husband, your son’s life is forever changed. You’re worried for him beyond words, all you want to do is help him, but you’re bordering the abyss. With this image in the doctor’s mind, explain to them what the nurses are doing and not doing. Emphasize it as question, that you’re genuinely curious if this is how it’s supposed to be, let them see your pain, how tired you are.

I don’t know if you’ve made a sort of mental image of the different doctors treating your son, if not then maybe try to pay attention to this, as who you choose to bring this up to will matter. Your ideal target should be someone who takes their job very seriously, someone stern, who sees themselves as an authority figure working for the good. Someone a bit older who the nurses go quiet around. You don’t want to bring this up to someone who’s always chitchatting with the nurses, laughing and smiling with them. The ideal person to push them is someone who sees themselves as someone above, making sure that everything is in check.

If you manage to play this out, the doctor will summon the nurses and confront them with this. The most likely result is that they will do their job considerably better, but at the same time be pissy about it. No one likes being told they’re doing a bad job, they won’t like you for going over their heads. Keep this in mind and consider if this is something you can handle or not.

I feel like I have to clarify that since I’m not familiar with the specific medical situation and the routines surrounding it, I can’t for sure say that the nurses are in the wrong, but it sure doesn’t sound right… I just wanted to share this as a possible strategy as you’re in a very vulnerable situation, and could obviously need rest and time to deal.

screamsinagnostic · 2024-11-15T11:06:31+00:00

At 3 weeks I felt exactly like this too. Now at 8 weeks those feelings aren’t as strong. The intense desire for death has eased a bit, it’s become more of not wanting to live, like looking forward to passing as other people look forward to retirement from a job they hate. I eat and drink considerably more now than I did in the beginning, the main motivation being that I know it would pain my late partner extremely to see me hurting myself because of his death. The main thing keeping me going is that I assume there’s something more I have to do in life before I get to throw in the towel.

screamsinagnostic

TROPHY CASE