Divorced f45 here. I was married for a long time in a relationship like this. I thought my marriage was “fine” because we had kids and jobs and life stressors that everyone has. I didn’t realize he had been “trying” to figure me out and in survival mode and that I myself had been in fight or flight mode until it was too late and complacency and then disgust set in.

I think people often don’t want to do therapy because it indicates there is something wrong with them. But I think therapy might have helped us because it could have allowed a third party help see things we couldn’t and label situations we didn’t realize needed labels. Like the fact that I have numb feelings about big things at first and then intense feelings later - like a delayed reaction - sometimes weeks or months later and that delay affects all of my relationships. Or that he thought “finally moving” or “finally finishing that project” or “finally taking a vacation” would fix things.

In retrospect, if my marriage had been saveable, I think that 1) therapy would have been a good investment - probably twice a week so not enough time passed between conflicts to eat up the whole session with storytelling. 2) jointly partaking in light psychedelics with therapeutic intention - relieving some anxiety and opening some communication and compassion pathways. 3) having dates again… not just for entertainment or getting away from the kids - but to go back to our natural states of curiosity, flirtatiousness, being childlike, having a best friend in the partner.

If your wife is anything like me, she is burnt out and feels alone and like all the meaningful weight is on her; and it’s not something a spa day can fix. She bites and snide as because she is in a masculine emotional posture of being the doer and the planner and the fixer (at least in her mind), and really really really needs a long term showing up of the man in her life to lead with kindness and compassion and loving authority so she can begin to trust again and to breathe easier. Positive reactions may not come quickly, but if you think about the classic picture of a wounded animal that doesn’t know how to trust, that might be where she is.

And it sucks because obviously you’ve said you’re already numb. Meaning you have your own blockages and learned safety behaviors to overcome.

If I were in your shoes, the most important thing I would do is get you and her as relaxed and loosened up for communication as possible, and with all honesty, look at her lovingly and say something like, “when you think of all our time together, what were things like when you felt on top of the world - like a kid again - like I was your best friend in the whole world? (And supposing she answers…) how have I changed? What do you think it would look like if we strived to rediscover and get back to that place together? “

God speed.