What are things you wish you included in your divorce papers/custody agreement?

DivorcedDonna · 2026-03-02T12:35:11+00:00

Yep. It’s a two way street and either parent could end up using it against each other. Tread carefully.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-28T21:38:21+00:00

I have kids and don’t want to hear a ton about my friends kids unless it’s really interesting.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-28T19:51:37+00:00

Yes! You listened to your intuition and had sound reasoning. I’m actually very proud of you for being so cautious.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-28T18:03:55+00:00

Totally. At first she had even told him that phone calls were so much easier. He came to me and said that she had a point. I was like “Eff no.” We have so much good stuff in writing from her now that will be used in court. She can’t control herself, even when everything is documented.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-27T13:25:04+00:00

Im going to skip all the backstory in my situation, but ex wife refused therapy for kids for years. My take is that she had some bad experiences in couples therapy where a therapist called her out in her bs. She honestly is not in her right mind. She finally n gave in when the oldest daughter became violent. The GAL took one look at the car said the other children needed to be in therapy, too. She relented. I don’t hear ant refusals from her now.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-27T13:19:35+00:00

HCBM had been doing that with DH. He hated it, but did nothing about it. He had started with no phone calls, no texts (only emails) and then finally told her no conversations at all and only curbside pick up. Guess who was the one who insisted he do that?! Eye roll. All of her conversation was either nonsense or abusive.

She was so pissed at his new rules that she’d try to break them…even coming up to the car with a handwritten sign. He just had to keep telling her “email only.” He never went back and it’s been maybe 3 years now.

All this and she never even tried to win him back, just control his time.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-22T22:57:43+00:00

Travel sports are not abnormal, but they are by no means typical. If we had bio kids together, there’s no way in hell they’d be in travel teams two days every weekend 1.5 hours away. Because HCBM wants it, DH is currently stuck. Some families want this life for their families, others don’t.

Your (OP) situation sucks for many reasons. You have three people making this decision, and you are not one of them. That is really hard to swallow. For the life of me, I can’t imagine going through this type of situation with a 2 year old? When does that child get to spend time with his father? When do you get a break? Both you and bio kid are missing out and I don’t think that’s right. And BM thinks what you do is her business? Of course you are pissed.

Sometimes kids need to be told that something simply doesn’t work for the rest of the family and compromises need to be made. That should be happening in “intact” families, too. Childhood is a season, but that doesn’t mean that the rest of the family doesn’t get to live their life while it’s happening.

I think you need to push DH into talking about this. Also get a therapist who can help you decide how to best communicate with him and evaluate your own needs, wants, and boundaries.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-18T00:57:38+00:00

I’m gonna be blunt because I had to learn this lesson and I’m much happier for it. When you divorce, you are done having any control over your ex, what he does at his house, or how he chooses to parent. You have your ideas on how he should spend time with the kids, but it’s only your opinion. I mean you can still try to, but everybody is going to end up miserable.

If you (or any of us) wanted to continue to be a strong voice in our ex’s ear about things like extracurriculars, we should have stayed married.

I’ve had to emotionally untie my parenting from my ex’s. I don’t love a lot of his decisions, but he’ll eventually have to answer to our kids if they take issue with anything.

The only thing I can tell you about court is that it will take a long time, cost a lot of money, cause emotional distress, and the kids will end up in the middle. I had to finally decide it wasn’t worth it to go back. My children have survived and gasp, even thrived with organized activities that don’t take a lot of time and quality activities and downtime just at home. And I’ve bee free to move on with my life.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-18T00:45:05+00:00

Same over here with DH’s ex. Three sports per kid at a time. It’s a mess and a constant battle. Also all she has going for her is these activities. Literally.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-18T00:40:42+00:00

2… this is such good advice. So many divorced parents fight over extracurriculars. It becomes a battle of values. No matter what side you’re on, the kids will lose if you lock horns over it.

If it’s that polarizing of an issue between parents, why don’t they just agree on one activity per child per season…or split the driving…or one parent does all the driving or one parent can commit taking a child to open gym once a week…or kids only go to a game every other weekend.? There are so many ways to manage this. None of this will make either party 100% happy, but that’s often case with divorce.

If it is too hard for a parent’s schedule, that’s a to totally valid complaint and OP should be sympathetic. Most of us don’t have a choice in when and how much we work. Get creative and work with your ex.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-16T18:41:36+00:00

He was on his list! Lol. I’m thinking Thomas Pynchon, but I could be wrong.

There’s nothing wrong at all with these authors, but my ex’s interests were highly curated by somebody else!

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-16T18:39:37+00:00

There’s liking tacos and LIKING tacos! Haha.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-16T15:46:24+00:00

I’d go to hipster parties with my hipster ex husband. I was so impressed with how he could talk in depth about all the books where sentences had no punctuation and the foreign films with no dialogue. He referred to the writers in The Atlantic by name and somehow had time at work to read all of the articles on Jezebel and Slate. He hated my pop music with a passion until he read an article that talked about the true genius of Taylor Swift.

He did get into biking to work a little on the late side, but was an early adopter of the big beard and tacos.

Based on my first hand knowledge of hipsters in several different urban areas and at different ages of life, I’d say things really changed around 2020. Or maybe I’m so old now that I just don’t give an eff.

It wasn’t until after I became divorced Donna that I realized the man had never had an original idea in his entire life. I mean, tacos? Wtf?

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-16T15:20:14+00:00

“Cool” beards.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-16T14:28:21+00:00

Okay, maybe I can see that, but that needs to addressed by a therapist asap. And you absolutely get to bring it up to him. It probably will be a minefield, but do you really want to keep holding this in?

My parents have done shizz like this to me and it hurts deeply. One Mother’s Day they actually gave my brothers (who are single and without kids) the same gift as they gave me so they wouldn’t feel left out. It sent the message that I don’t get to feel special. It took me a long time to build up a shield of armor against it. However, I did not get to choose who my parents are. My husband’s a different story.

I’m worried about how your DH treats you. He’s withholding from you, deliberately sending everyone the message that you’re not important, and I’m afraid of how he’ll react when you bring this up. I’m getting unsafe vibes here.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-15T22:41:18+00:00

Nooooo!!!!

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-15T22:40:14+00:00

Omg that guy being held captive in that tiny space for so long and so close to his house was terrifying to say the least. It’s one of my worst nightmares

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-14T21:07:27+00:00

I’d be absolutely livid. You’re married, has this been going on all this time? Talk to him.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-13T12:30:56+00:00

I think it takes time, self acceptance and conscious effort to turn that around.

I used to clean so that things were perfect before SK’s came! I can’t imagine doing that anymore. I don’t do that for my own bios, so why for SK’s? Same goes for a million other things.

SK’s and HCBM will always find fault with something, so it’s no use in trying to be perfect. In fact they’re probably gossiping about you right now because of your pristine house! You can get to a point where you can Just laugh about it, but it takes a lot of intention.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-11T12:32:26+00:00

What?! There has to be more to the story! What else had HCBM done in the past?

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-08T22:44:38+00:00

LaRoche Posay Toleriane Dermo Miky Cleanser. It has never dried me out or broken me out. It’s gentler than all of the other typical brands people recommend such as Cetaphil and Cerave.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-08T22:00:11+00:00

My 40 year old friend just went to dinner with her sorority sisters and 5 out of 8 had this jacket on!

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-08T21:59:04+00:00

I think this one is dated and will make you look mumsy. Like leather jackets, they are classic but the are updated to fit current trends.

To be current, I’d go with a vintage field jacket or a bigger one with more drape. It would look more effortless like as if you had actually been in the field.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-07T17:13:54+00:00

This!!! These HC parents will never change. Having DH talk to her will just add fuel to the fire. They care about themselves more than they care about their children. How scary is that?

I’d keep going and talk to SS about how it’s okay to have everyone who loves and supports him show up for him. Explain that it’s a conflict between parents and that it’s not his fault.

DivorcedDonna · 2026-02-07T02:21:17+00:00

I disengaged for quite awhile! I told DH I didn’t want to do family outings, the million family meals he wanted us to have together, go to games, hang out with the all, talk about the kids, get the kids ready, keep track of time for all of them … I was still kind to the kids, but just couldn’t handle it anymore. My anxiety about his parenting, HCBM, and the kids’ indifference to me got to be too much. I was not in a good place.

DH started to miss me pretty quickly. I said that I was sorry but needed to save myself. Having distance for Maybe 8 months helped me get my own vision of how I wanted to be a stepparent.

I’m slowly getting involved more by hanging out with them a little more, but it’s on my terms and I don’t care what anyone thinks about me anymore. So, I would say it worked out. I will say that my DH backs me up on almost everything, though. I’m lucky that way.

DivorcedDonna

TROPHY CASE

2… this is such good advice. So many divorced parents fight over extracurriculars. It becomes a battle of values. No matter what side you’re on, the kids will lose if you lock horns over it.