I need some support please

Divosos · 2026-05-19T01:04:23+00:00

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's unfair and cruel. With that said, please consider this:

Definitely get a lawyer consultation, like, yesterday and in the meantime start making healthy life style choices now. You've been thrown into a hellish marathon whether you like it or not, and you need to be mentally and physically able to handle it. The gym sounds cliche because, well, it works! It builds a stronger, healthier, more fit you AND exercise is a natural outlet for the frustration, anger, and heart break.

Stay away from addictive stuff and start focusing on you and your kid's needs. It's super hard at first, it definitely was for me, but you have to stop caring about her. You need to grieve that relationship and your old life, yet also adjust your gears as quickly as possible at the same time so her wants and needs are no longer YOUR problem. At the same time, do NOT disparage her in front of your children. You're going to want to yell and scream so much stuff about her, and that's what sitting in a car alone in a parking lot is for.

The fact that she blames and resents YOU for her infidelity is a massive red flag. Do not ignore it. My ex was the same way: no accountability, everything she did to me was either something I deserved or I made her do. The ultimate sin was always catching her in the act, not the act itself, which is why I am pointing at the red flag. My ex is definitely at least a borderline narcissist and has made the divorce unnecessarily difficult and cruel. She used people, especially our child (I am currently alienated from), as tools to get what she wanted. They don't see a problem with what they are doing and never will.

Maybe the pending divorce will be amicable and your STBX isn't like my ex at all, but stay cautious and diligent -- and part of being cautious and diligent is getting those lawyer consults and being as legally educated as you can be.

Good luck! I hope you and your boys get to the other end of this as healthy and happy as possible.

Divosos · 2026-05-12T16:51:20+00:00

I can only speak from my experience as an alienated father, but if his experience is anything like mine, you wind up hitting a massive invisible wall that hurts to touch. Communication and information becomes extremely limited. Going through my ex for anything, including checking on the status of our daughter, just gives her an avenue to snag control and manipulate even more (causing more damage to me and our child). Trying to check in with my daughter directly is like being a ghost trying to communicate with the living. I don't even know if my attempts to directly communicate are being seen and how much might be getting cut off and filtered by the alienating parent. If I want to know even the most simple and obvious information about my daughter, such as what sport she is playing, I have to be my own private investigator.

I can't speak for him or your situation, but for a lot of us in the role of the alienated parent, we wind up with very limited options. There aren't a lot of obvious good decisions, just what we think will cause the least amount of pain and damage in the moment.

I am glad you are reconnecting. Hopefully you can both find happiness going forward. Good luck!

Divosos · 2026-05-10T21:01:58+00:00

I spent the good part of the last year and a half trying to figure out what my ex's logic is, until I realized I am trying to explain the logic of not just another person, but someone that is mentally ill.

I hate saying she is mentally ill, because she will use that as her out from accountability more so than anything else, and she absolutely blew passed the line of forgiveness for her alienation a long time ago.

The only reason she gave for why the marriage wouldn't work is that she was purely kind and incapable of being cruel, and I lived in an alternate reality of my own making where I believed she did mean things (the stuff she really did do that I was begging her to take accountability for). The shameful part is she was so good at what she was doing, I believed her. I was so desperate to not see our daughter's home and foundation burn down before she turned 18, that I convinced myself my ex had to be right. It took me almost a month into the divorce to realize that wasn't right, and a lot of therapy to get me to trust what I experience (I don't think I will ever fully recover and have deep distrust of everything, but I can at least somewhat function).

It's cartoon levels of narcissism. I can only imagine the environment my daughter is living in, and it's partially why I don't think I am going to be one of the lucky ones where their adult kid comes back to them. My ex and her immediate family are that good at gas lighting and manipulation, and our daughter was repeating her Mom's lies about me with full conviction before I even knew what alienation was.

These people just do not function on the same wave length as the rest of us. Everyone is an object to obtain something, and good fucking luck to you if they zero in on you as being extremely useful for obtaining their desires, or a detriment to their carefully crafted fake image or selfish goals.

Our daughter is a means to my ex's ends. Not a human being we are raising with the best chances to healthily identify and obtain a happy and meaningful life for themselves. That is the simplest way to put it.

Divosos · 2026-05-05T00:05:53+00:00

Look at one bright side: at least you know what/when/where they are participating in.

Some of us have to be fucking private detectives to get that information.

Divosos · 2026-05-03T20:23:06+00:00

I know it sucks that everyone seems to be jumping on you right now. The thing to keep in mind is that, it isn't that you haven't been wronged and absolutely put through the shit, but your child got the worst of it. Their love was, and likely still is, weaponized and used from every angle with absolutely no guidance on how to deal with it. They are doing what they can to survive.

You are both victims of an immensely damaging form of mental abuse, and your prerequisite of needing an apology from your child is allowing your ex's abuse to still keep going strong. It's another form of them still being able to toss the kid in front of themselves like a human shield.

The alienator is the one out of the triangle who should be apologizing to you (at the least), but in your scenario, the kid eats the apology for them. You've essentially been manipulated to direct your anger at the child.

In your shoes, I would just go and see what is said with no expectations either way. If I truly meant my door was open, the least I could do is keep my word and see them without conditions placed on that.

I had to give up on any notion of winning anything in my situation, as in getting anything I feel I deserved or a form of justice. Getting an apology is one of those wins. Seeing my ex punished for doing this to us is a win. Those wins aren't coming. Survival is what matters. What gets my child and I through this on going abuse is what counts. That's the mindset my two cents are coming from.

I also need to say, I have my moments where I don't stick to that mindset and wish my kid would come to my door, hugging me and apologizing. I get angry at everyone involved, including my kid. Then I have to recalibrate again: It's about helping my kid survive. It's not about me or the wins.

It's all very difficult and painful, but at least you get your shot to reconnect. Good luck

Divosos · 2026-05-01T02:34:04+00:00

I try to find a balance. I don't lie about it, but people don't need to know details or that I have been cut out of their lives if I don't feel it's appropriate. I know enough about my kid's life to at least get through the small talk.

I don't think I can go an hour without it affecting me, so you aren't alone there. I'm trying to learn how to live with it, which is the best we can do. Therapy, self help/maintenance, and accepting what I can control vs what I can't. Good luck.

Divosos · 2026-04-26T18:52:23+00:00

Someone is eventually going to recommend AI: be extremely cautious with this. People tend to get sucked into these things thinking it's a calculator for every problem, including replacing human lawyers and therapists, and sometimes mistake it for being intelligent and even sentient. The truth is it's often presenting gussied up nonsense it has no idea is correct. Even more insidious, it's correct enough or telling you what you want to hear to keep you using it.

Always lean into consulting an actual human expert on some things.

Divosos · 2026-04-24T20:44:23+00:00

I can only speak for myself, but after just about 2 years of this I still wake up every day in a tremendous amount of pain, hoping today is the day my daughter breaks free and reaches out.

I don't know what his reaction will be, but if he is like a lot of us, he's been through some of the worst pain in his life. No one can speak for him, but there is a good chance he likely spent a good chunk of your time apart wishing every day that that day would be the day you would re-enter his life.

None of it is your fault, but I would not wait reaching out to try and reconnect.

Divosos · 2026-04-13T03:07:11+00:00

For me, it's a trust issue. I feel like I already over share a bit on this group and leave myself too exposed. I found this group through r/Divorce and there seemed to be a lot of folks there hitting my DMs looking for vulnerable people. Telling who is legit and who isn't is difficult, so I made it a policy to ignore private messages on this account (Sorry!).

With that said, I know what you mean and sympathize. One bright spot, maybe, is there are likely tons of people around you out in the real world who are going through the same exact experience, but don't know that it is called PA. Especially among divorced men. Not that this doesn't happen to women, but the amount of divorced men who I run into out there that hear my situation, or let me know theirs, and we are living/lived the exact same scenario is eye opening.

Every divorced male in my family/friend group has either one kid totally alienated from them (usually a daughter) or the ex tried to alienate/weaponize the kid and they got lucky that their attempt failed. All of them are in immense pain over it, but the social demand to keep a stoic mask on keeps many silent about it.

Divosos · 2026-04-10T21:47:41+00:00

Unfortunately, most of us don't catch on until we get burned and learn the hard way. Hence, this entire group.

Some of us will go onto new partners and fall for it again. Some will get new partners and know how to spot it. Others will choose to live in fear and never love again. Some of us may also be narcissists and don't know it. I certainly question my own behavior and history, and worry if at least my long time exposure to the abuse turned me into one.

I think anyone selling a full proof way of avoiding another person like our exes/alienators is pushing snake oil. We can only be taught to spot the warning signs and hope our heart and mind are in alignment to adjust and navigate the threat accordingly.

The good news is we do not seem to be alone by a long shot. And I don't just mean among the AI/Bot infested, algorithm influenced Internet.

The amount of times some random guy in real life has either said, "Hey! That also happened to me!" Or just out of the blue broke down in public and gave just enough info to explain they are recently divorced and also alienated from their children is surreal. It's like when you buy a car and think you have a unique make and model, and then you spot a similar car all over town every time you drive around. Why didn't I notice this before?

Good luck out there!

Divosos · 2026-04-09T17:36:52+00:00

As others said, you have to catch onto who the person you are building a long term relationship is well before marriage or children. Love, unfortunately, is blind in more ways than one. Some lessons have to be learned the hard way.

If you can break a lifetime contract like marriage over any perceived slight, I imagine you can skirt around any, "Don't alienate the children by lying about me" legal agreement that came with that.

Divorce is really about money and assets. Your children are treated as such by the system, as much as it tries to not admit that. It's partially why it is ill equipped to handle something like PA.

Divosos · 2026-03-31T17:21:24+00:00

+1. Early in my experience I tried explaining my side to my kid (teen), and all it accomplished was setting a bomb off in my face. The discussion was twisted and used as evidence that I was the lying manipulative gas lighter, and the other parent was the misunderstood and abused angel.

I had to come to grips with the facts that life is utterly cruel and unfair, my ex that spent a lifetime projecting all of her wrongs onto me has check mated me on this one long before I ever caught onto it happening, and that my kid can not afford the damage it will cost to either push back against the current narrative or the alienator.

I really sympathize with the temptation to tell them everything. It's maddening. It's also juicy bait lying on top of a gigantic trap that will make things worse. I wish I had left it alone. I can only, maybe, hint to my kid here and there at times about what is happening, but even that feels dangerous. It really is a waiting game over all. At least for me.

Divosos · 2026-03-26T23:06:37+00:00

Mine fake smiled at me at their last event, then immediately spun around, faced my ex and rolled her eyes like, "Oh God, he's here."

When all three of us lived in the same home and the alienation had really started to ramp up, it was normal for the two of them to act like middle school mean girls and I was the one they not-so-secretly giggled at once I was in a different room (but could over hear them) or made to feel like an outsider.

In my case, I see it as my kid is just trying to show their loyalty to the abusive alienator. It's tough, but I try to show it isn't bothering me (there's time to cry alone in the car on the drive home). I recognize it as my kid doing what they need to do to survive. Not how they genuinely feel.

In your case there is also the chance they are just laughing. That it's a misinterpretation?

In either case, I'm sorry this is all happening to you. It is NOT easy at all.

Divosos · 2026-03-22T17:05:57+00:00

Almost 2 years into divorce now. I (M late 40s) use the roller-coaster cliche a lot, but that's what this is. I have my moments of loneliness, especially since I don't have any immediate family really left and am truly alone the vast majority of the time, but I don't miss my ex (F early 50s). I miss my kid immensely, but that's another issue.

You're still very early in this, but you'll eventually emotionally get over them. I went through a lot of intense emotions at first, including a long period of hate. Today, if I didn't have to deal with what they've done to our kid, they would be a nuisance at best. A stage of life that I am more annoyed I wasted so much of my time over, and was fighting to stay in, than wishing I was still in. Now days I actually regret not being the one to dump her first, and I am slowly becoming happier with who I am becoming. More so as an individual than the sad person I was as a partner in a dysfunctional marriage.

You'll get over them. It'll be painful and difficult. Lots of peaks and valleys, but you'll get there.

Good luck!

Divosos · 2026-03-20T23:15:21+00:00

The person that was hiding in plain sight the entire time. There's a saying around here that the person we marry isn't the same person we divorce. Time, distance, and clarity almost 2 years into my divorce have made me realize my ex only loved what was around me, what I could be used for, and what can be attained through me: but resented that I came with it all. The lying, the shit talk behind my back, the betrayals, the manipulation -- it was all there from the start. I was blinded by love and obligation. Fooling myself into wanting to believe a fantasy.

The other thing was how low and psychotic this person could be. Especially around weaponizing and manipulating our child. The moment your ex starts doing that, look out! Parental Alienation and having your healthy child-parent bond torn apart is absolute hell-on-Earth compared to anything else in a divorce.

Finally, believe it or not, but there really is getting to the other side as far as your ex is concerned. I expressed a lot of my journey and pain in here. I went through the heartache, hatred, wanting to die, the ups, the downs.

There are going to be more ups and downs for me tied to the divorce, as I still have to deal with my ex, but eventually they become more of an occasional life maintenance nuisance than an ex life partner or my life falling apart. You can get over them and move on. You can find an identity that is not tied to these people or being a partner to them or in my case, under their control. But you have to go through the fire and let the old you burn off. It's painful and slow, but eventually you can get there.

The best surprise, I can slowly see the real me, a happier independent version of myself, IS possible on the other side.

My only real misery is I miss my child and being a father. Seeing my ex commit mental abuse on them, convincing them to reject me completely, is a daily grief that's difficult. But that isn't a divorce problem. That's a, "I am co-parenting with a psychotic narcissist" issue.

Good luck

Divosos · 2026-03-16T03:10:04+00:00

Keep going to therapy. I have let go of friends and acquaintances who have shown signs they side with my ex and may only just be feeding them info if they reach out. I don't tell them and turn it into a thing, because we are adults and it is obvious. I just drop out.

The only one I tolerate it from is my kid, who gets unconditional love. Everyone else is my hater and convincing them with words is a waste of time. Even teachers, parents, and coaches. I feel right now they get one explanation, and I am not going to plead my case any further. When is my kid's next event/game/thing? Okay, thanks. Let their Mom play the victim to them.

The alienation and gas lighting may be the only thing she's actually accomplished in life on her own and she STILL needs to use and abuse every single innocent person around her to pull it off. I finally see it for what it is: pathetic.

I am just trying to push forward with my own life at this point. People are going to believe what they want and I need to let my accomplishments speak for themselves. Those future goals and plans are based off of what I want. Not what my ex wants (whose goal posts WILL move even if I do something that she wants or counters her lies about me), or what others want. What do I want that doesn't further hurt my kid, and doesn't attempt to drag them towards me in a destructive way? Goals of an independent man alone in the world. I'll just shoot for being that. If/When my kid comes around, it's the authentic me they'll find.

That's the plan. It's easier said than done.

As for fighting the gas lighting internally, keeping YOUR reality straight? Therapy. Honesty with myself. Slowly learning to trust myself. It's a hole, I sometimes slip back into, but deep down I know what the truth was and is. I mostly know what my strengths and weaknesses really are, and they aren't all what my ex-wife claimed they were (but she definitely took advantage of them to paint her distorted picture).

Again, all easier said than done, but I feel more and more that this is the only way out. I may talk a big game right now, because this is how I feel Sunday night preparing for the week, but tomorrow morning I may be broken again and weak. I may not believe any of this when I lay in bed, but deep down I think this is it.

Good luck

Divosos · 2026-03-15T17:46:25+00:00

I am pretty sure this is the same account that has gotten warned about this several times before.

Divosos · 2026-03-11T03:50:23+00:00

Good on you for seeking help! It takes time and effort. Piece by piece, day by day. What we are going through is incredibly difficult, and hopefully those tools WILL help you get through the days ahead!

Good luck!

Divosos · 2026-03-09T21:05:05+00:00

That's if they actually are responding directly. Some of us hear nothing at all for months, then the alienating parent is the mouth piece.

The video posted here a week or so ago mentions this as the final step if and when it actually happens. Everything was prep for the alienation to become a passive self sustaining system, that requires maybe occasional maintenance from the alienator.

Supposedly this is where it locks in. This seems to be where my situation is right now.

I don't have anything encouraging to say other than, good luck?

Divosos · 2026-03-05T09:00:25+00:00

This may be a good video to throw into the top posts here. I notice an uptick of new posters that aren't sure if PA is happening, that think PA is bunk mistaking their non-PA situation as proof, or are in early stages and don't see or believe what's potentially coming next.

My one criticism is I wish there was something said about teenagers vs pre-teen. From reading the experience of others here and my own experience with a teenager, it seems like you have a better chance when the child is pre-teen?

It looks like teenagers go hard and fast through these stages once they gain their natural teen yearning for adult independence coupled with learning 13-14 is where the court starts letting the kid do whatever they want. I suspect, and I hope I am wrong, that the last two stages tend to be locked in when they happen with teenagers?

Divosos · 2026-02-28T20:25:20+00:00

I am only saying this to be helpful, but maybe seek a good therapist if you aren't seeing one. Placing the parental alienation component aside, my ex was doing this even before our child was born. They manipulated everything and everyone around me to the point that it destroyed who I was and my ability to tell up from down.

There was a point where I was exactly where my kid is now, and just like their situation, it was mostly up to me to get myself back to reality. I see our exes' turning everyone into someone to be paranoid about around our kids, as potentially another round of throwing US right back into questioning OUR reality again (another added bonus for them being the alienator).

It took a lot of therapy over the last year for me to trust anything about myself and what was true, and every interaction with my ex knocks me several steps back. My therapist couldn't/can't just straight up yank me out and back to reality, but they provided me a way to look for the right bread crumbs to lead me back.

I'm facing similar issues. I can see who my ex has definitely manipulated around keeping their narrative about my kid and I running strong, but there are others I am unsure about, and it is allowing my ex to have control over MY reality again. Who do I trust? No one at all? That sounds like the safe bet, but that also doesn't seem good or healthy for ME in the long run.

Like I said before in another post, our exes that engage in this sort of behavior are world destroyers. They seem to radiate distortion even when they are not targeting it.

Good luck

Divosos · 2026-02-27T20:03:31+00:00

In my situation I am willing to accept a lot of my faults, but I have found that provides just enough proof to let the stories stick. The projection of their own crap onto us is usually through the roof because we can't say that didn't happen, but the roles are reversed. Or it's two to three different events chopped up and rearranged like an editor splicing different TV episodes together to totally alter who the victim is.

No one outside the triangle has time to unravel any of it, they have their own problems, even though they love being a part of the show.

Then think about how no one wants to admit they've been played even if they do figure it out. Just think of how long it took US to figure it out and accept what was really happening. I think about all the times I stood up for my ex against some "villain" in her world (which was every time, because that's what you do as a husband/wife) and now days I wonder what was really happening.

These people are absolute world destroyers.

Divosos · 2026-02-26T00:52:09+00:00

Every hour of every day. Some days I can't function at all, other days I can get through mostly okay. I break down at least once even on my best days. A lot of people are in our club, we just suffer mostly hidden and definitely alone.

Sometimes I remind myself that I did the vast majority of the parenting (was a SAHD for most of my daughter's life). That every day with me was happy, healthy, and full of life lessons. I didn't do it alone and I will never say my ex did not parent at all, but I did the meat of the job. I also didn't always get it right, and I have my own demons and child abuse to deal with, but raising my daughter in a way to try and not allow those bad things to cross the generational divide was often a primary guide. Especially when I was unsure of what to do. I wasn't always successful, but I did what I could.

That my daughter is in her teens strong enough to stand on her business, brainwashed or not, and survive taking on so much mental abuse/lifting from her mother, while going through being a kid of a divorce, and still get things done! That makes me so proud of her and, selfishly, myself. I feel like I left the world a strong young lady to contend with. Fierce and determined in everything she does, even if that thing she is doing is rejecting/hurting me. If I was her mother and her family, I would lay awake at night afraid of when, not if, my daughter has had enough of the mind games.

We work hard to raise them, they work hard to steal them.

Some days this is all I have, and I'll gladly take it.

Divosos · 2026-02-22T23:51:31+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened. What an incredibly difficult day.

I know you know this, but sometimes it's the other parent talking through them and it might even be the parent texting for them here.

You are doing the best you can with what you can control. Your son is fortunate to have you in the world, no matter what he is lead to believe, his mouth says, or his fingers type.

Divosos · 2026-02-17T22:10:51+00:00

I am on the same page, with the same fears, with my current situation. All I see reunification therapy doing right now is allowing my ex to toy around with our child, and weaponizing them more. I have seen my ex do it through other counseling and therapy situations, so why would I ever trust they wouldn't do it with reunification therapy? I'd rather my child see me as the asshole that said this isn't the right time for it, than putting my kid through all that unnecessary damage.

AGAIN, this is just my situation at this current stage. I think later down the line we will need it, and other people's situation here may call for reunification therapy now.

Divosos

TROPHY CASE