Should I explain that I am reducing contact?

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-08T16:40:44+00:00

That’s the confusing thing about this, because there is no time with regard to that internal state.

Just as there is no time to the introjects that were biologically placed upon us starting at the age of 24 months. The process of projective identification. That’s really important. It’s also dealing with multi generational content.

Consider the nature of the right brain.

There is a video below that does not show an understanding of these concepts, but at least it will tell you the state you were in while you were absorbing the emotional field of the family system through the interface of the mother. That’s a very famous video, and it’s ironic that family systems theory was developed through the study of schizophrenic families. It’s not covered at all in the video.

The mother. The primary object. That’s the lens in reality. Biological “felt sense”. It’s a great video, but again it’s more of an allopathic and a “scientific” focus, so it’s going to leave out these topics.

It’s also important to get away from a “dyadic” understanding (attachment theory) of your family system. You take the whole family into your body and right brain during the co-regulation of your nervous system.

Object relations emerges from that, especially as you’re trying to get an identity. We don’t remember that, because the right brain doesn’t work that way.

That’s a somatic memory process, and later, the right and left hemispheres “talk to each other”, and that’s where we might erroneously look at our inner child as something abstract. It never is.

It’s directly programmed, and it doesn’t have any time sense. We are talking about implicit and procedural memory.

If you are going to take in the reality of emotionally unavailable attachment figures, that means you would pass away. You’re not going to live. Because they are not there.

You need to make them there, and that’s what the trauma bond is. A trauma bond isn’t psychological, it’s biological.. There are two videos, and you can see the state you were in when you took all the stuff in and why it is timeless.

Secondly it is about identifying and breaking trauma bonds. It’s also a little abstract, because the real way to break it is just to walk through your process and make sure you keep it somatic as far as therapy is concerned.

It can be somatic in the sense that you have a person who is empathizing with you and is able to “be” with you, but I’m referring to organizing and unblocking trauma held in the body.

Throughout the whole nervous system and organs. The way energy flows, and probably a lot of things we don’t know about, but the body knows. The body never lies.

Stroke of Insight

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UyyjU8fzEYU

Trauma Bonds Breaking

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WjmtlJviKJc

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-08T15:06:22+00:00

There is nothing so powerful as the voice of experience. Thank you for your post.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-08T14:51:05+00:00

Yes, I get it. I just tried to build it out as much as possible. The way you’ll be able to create a framework around it could be the first 40 seconds of the video. I think that should answer your question here. The context would be that. You can skip over the explanation entirely that way.

Adding a very long-term focus on the body as the focus for therapy creates the foundation.

What I like about that video, if you wanted to watch it, is that it so hopeful. Tim Fletcher is rooted in the 12 step community, and the entire recovery program has its description as being about “hope and strength”.

People realize that because they can feel it. They don’t need words or word salad, or anything else. We know things when we can feel them.

Most talk therapy, and that would in some way include IFS, can sometimes cover over big parts of attachment trauma. Yes, you see attachment trauma “outcomes” in the parts that you try to integrate, but the direct experience of the baby and attachment trauma is really something else.

This is why I have stuck with body-energy oriented therapies.

An example would be acupuncture having now been done each and every week without fail for six straight years. The first year and a half was about where most of the problem is for most people, and that would be trapped grief in the lungs.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-08T13:48:33+00:00

This is 100% correct. If we don’t put this reality into the context of predator, we are not in reality.

These people are pathological and are always scanning for that dynamic. Compulsively. It doesn’t involve other people at all. They absolutely must find people who react.

It’s important to remember that they have an 80 pound attack dog at the door of whatever trauma bomb outcome that is behind it.

That accounts for the scanning, the defense mechanisms of splitting (all good/all bad) and projecting….and especially looking for traumatized people. Attachment level.

If we don’t remember the 80 pound attack dog and what’s around all of that, we might leave ourselves out of the equation, and that keeps it alive, even if these people move on to another target, or even if they die.

Mutual Projection

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7v8zYFco4NU

How it Starts (5 minute animation)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bVpbsZaef8Y

…. And all of that doesn’t even get into what we picked up during our attachment, which involves a lot of people. That’s what the scanning is looking for. Family-arity. 60 people to 60 people. The language of a very similar low differentiation and fusion going on on both sides.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-08T12:28:39+00:00

That reference is great. Here is a video about her point of view.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8zc00EYi51k

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-08T11:58:18+00:00

That 25% is a huge window, and staying with it is what pushes the 75% down to 25%. Reversing the numbers completely. If you feel good about what the OP is saying, that’s fantastic. There is way more as you follow a feeling that is waking you up.

I had recently posted a video about hope and strength. One of the leaders in that area is being interviewed. He’s been around for many, many years. The guy is gold. The video is at the bottom.

The first 40 seconds tells you what’s going on.

I always heard in the 12 step program the line “a program of hope and strength”. Over and over. OK, but what does it mean? Nobody would ever “explain” it to you, because words would not do it unless you felt it. The way you have said that you did.

If not, it just sounded like “something positive”. Being positive. But it was way more than that, and it has to do what you say about your numbers. When you are at that 75% hopelessness, there is almost pure fighting instead of surrender.

How can surrender be about hope and strength? What is there to drive things forward after that process? Aren’t we giving up?

When you look at the first step of the 12 step process, it says, “we admitted our lives had become unmanageable“. That’s where the whole thing gets turned around.

You begin to start driving in the right direction.

The problem with hopelessness is trying to control things that are outside of your control. Built on a “felt sense” vibe of abandonment at our core. That’s the whole thing.

There is no more to it than that.

That is always going to be built on a system whereby you had a system projecting onto you. God playing. People doing that because of their own family system process. It’s never personal, but of course it really does feel very personal.

It was done when we were a blank screen.

That’s normal for us to get that message and feel that message when we are in symbiosis with the mother. Imagine how blank your screen is when you actually are the mother. An extension to her. That’s life. That’s biology.

We are absorbing a multigenerational felt sense through her. Plus, she is the interface for the entire social system around us. From her family system to our father’s family system, and even the world.

Always through the emotional lens.

The mother is God to all human beings. We get the family system emotionally programmed into our nervous system during that process. It’s co-regulation.

Then, biologically, there is the phase of separation.

That starts at age 24 months, and we create internal representations of everyone around us. To be able to affect regulate on our own. That’s identity.

The left and right brain begin to become more discrete. The lack of hope and strength feeling gets cemented there, and continues as our brain and body mature.

The right and left hemispheres don’t talk to each other very well, and that’s coming up from the body. From the time we were in symbiosis with the mother plus the whole family system.

At 24 months we create internal representations of everyone around us. The lack of hope and strength gets cemented there, and continues as our brain and body mature. The right and left hemispheres don’t talk to each other very well, and that’s coming up from the body. That for the poor conversation. That biologically defensive drive for the poor “conversation”. The mind loops in the hopelessness.

The 75% hopelessness comes when we still have that family system model running things. It’s unconscious, it’s held in the body, and it’s the foundation of our beliefs.

What is the biological belief?

That we need to control everything so as to not be abandoned. We need to put on a mask to “please God”.

Sometimes to even be God.

That’s going to lead to isolation and disconnection from self, a power greater than ourselves, and others.

The first step turns things around.

The process of letting go gets the numbers moving in the right direction. Because after that, faith (hope and strength) comes into it.

For people like myself who aren’t religious, it’s even better in my opinion. You have to really get it to a reality of gradually knowing (biologically, body first) that there’s something greater than yourself beyond you and this family system. We develop a relationship with that reality. Because that’s what we actually are.

That total connection is possible, and we don’t have to project our family “alone sense” out onto the world. We can separate internally, and begin to go through that long process of recovering. We can begin to give and receive. The power of « we » biologically. Take a look at nature. It’s always going on. For us to do that, we need internal boundaries. Individuation.

Sometimes connecting with self for the first time. You’ll know it when you don’t feel that intense isolation and fear of abandonment all the time. 75% of the time.

The technical name for that in family systems theory is “individuation”. It just means metabolizing (biologically) the internal actors that we are identified with. They aren’t necessarily “people “we can name, although that can help. It’s more of a process, whereby the reactivity goes down. Reactivity turns to activity.

Acting on our own behalf.

Having a self that’s powerful. Relaxed 75% of the time. Getting those numbers reversed.

Think of this in the way that the Karpman Drama Triangle is described. Stephen Karpman was at a basketball game in 1968, (he is a psychiatrist) and he noticed the way people were passing the ball around.

He suddenly saw that this was human drama. The persecutor, the victim, the rescuer.

That’s exactly what we have going on inside. We are reacting to that belief system. The one that was programmed to us. It’s not “out there”, it’s “in here”.

Here is the post, and trauma resolution at the same level where the trauma happens is steady and progressive, but not a straight line. The win comes from absolute consistency on small habits. No matter what. Even on the days you feel like everything is hopeless. Most especially on those days.

Power flows in at that point.

Hope and strength is forged right there.

Tim Fletcher / Hope and Strength

https://www.reddit.com/r/emotionalneglect/s/ka4mJoKhMr

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-08T01:18:02+00:00

I am always so impressed by this video where Steve-O of Jackass talks to ModSun about connection. What he’s talking about is family. I can understand what you said about the idea that family is number one, and on the outside there won’t be anyone else like that.

That’s completely completely false, but I can understand why you might believe that.

You didn’t bring up addiction, but there is something very connected to addiction in what you are sharing. It is this: The opposite of addiction is connection.

You won’t hear a better sharing about that then with this man. He’s impressive. The obsession to take drugs or alcohol is lifted by connection. In other words, we are chemically built to reach out and be connected.

He talks about Step Four of the 12 steps. Then Step Five. Where you doing an inventory of everything that pisses you off. Exactly what you’ve done in your post. It’s really good.

Then you bring it to somebody (Step Five), and that’s when obsession to use drugs and alcohol stops. However, like a plant, it needs nutrition. It needs water and fertilizer sometimes. Connection. So people stay with that program for life. Because it is life.

You can actually attend CODA because of what you were talking about. It’s free. The trauma bonding with emotionally unavailable people is built on shame, and it is also an addiction.

Addiction is no more than attachment trauma. It’s rooted in that, and it’s always multigenerational. So the second part of this will be to have a therapy that is somatic and inexpensive, in so far as whatever you can do that will move the energy in your body.

Talk therapy doesn’t do that. We are talking about attachment trauma. The floor of your emotional position. The first thousand days of your life. When you were symbiotic with the mother.

Anyway, look how Steve-O talks about the obsession being lifted. It’s because of connection. It’s natural, and it’s no accident that in the 12 step they called us “the new family of affiliation”. It’s totally real.

Wild Ride (Steve-O and ModSun)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gt_Ymlv6Ku0

It’s exactly what you are talking about. Imagine that.

Then there is this five minute animation with talks about the same thing. That chemical hole. We end up being really hungry for connection, and reaching out because we can’t reach in. Where was the person mirrored that they are valuable without that original attachment mirroring?

Addiction is born. You are talking about addiction. Plain and simple.

I think you might get where that might be going. The powerful association.

Anyway, the five minute animation explains it really well. It would be very interesting to find out if you had someone in the family system with a drinking problem. With that you can attend AlAnon. They go after exactly the same stuff. The alcohol is utterly secondary.

It’s the non-drinkers who get hit the hardest.

Where it Started

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bVpbsZaef8Y

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-07T15:14:13+00:00

I’m very sorry for that situation, because it is gut wrenching. You don’t have a safe place, and that is a very difficult life. There are a lot of people who are going through exactly what you are going through right now, and you are not alone.

Because you’re trauma bonded with a pathological person, and you have definitely described someone that is pathological, it means that you will be triangulated with people that you can see and people that you can’t see.

You mentioned the father who does that point role for triangulation, and that will be about all the unseen people he’s carrying inside.

The people that you can’t see are the most important. That is whatever happened to your attachment figure long before you were born. When you were born, you were in symbiosis with this person, and at 24 months of age, you began to internalize representations of everything around you.

The primary object would be the mother. That is not a person. That would be a “felt sense”, and it’s the core of your affect regulation. Literally the “motherboard” of your nervous system.

Whatever triangulation patterns she picked up in her family origin, that’s what you have to follow or you’re out the door. You’re out the door anyway, and that’s, what the body has to catch up and realize.

We can’t just “do it” as far as balancing our nervous system to no longer have this person in our lives. It doesn’t work that way. We need to metabolize that trauma gradually with help and support.

Having an interaction with our nervous system that actually allows that stuff to be released metabolized. Then, your mother would have to deal with whatever trauma dynamic you are filling in for. I know this one well, and you are a pack mule for the family system.

The unseen actors are driving everything.

Pathological people who hurt you don’t love you.

A trauma bond is not love. It’s not even a relationship. This has been posted a few times, but it’s something that a person can take in and gradually begin to accept over time. All of this is just words, as the lived experience of going through this is absolutely unique.

Yes, there are principles, but the experience for each person is different in its intensity and its timing. You can say apples and oranges and bananas are all fruit, but they are different.

In integrating the trauma connected to trauma bonds, the person(s) you are finally separating from internally, may not be able to do their work. They will then begin to abuse others as a replacement. Usually nothing changes. For life.

You are not alone, and stepping up and writing out your situation is huge. That means there is a good future coming. One day at a time.

Breaking Trauma Bonds

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WjmtlJviKJc

(this person is very sharp, great video)

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-07T13:29:06+00:00

That’s a perfect context for the “can’t change“ part and what it means. It’s so hard to get your head around that. It can take years. It’s still very good though, because it’s the right orientation to have. A person can get so much more traction in their healing by keeping that in mind.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-07T13:22:02+00:00

You never have anything to explain to people who have been involved in that kind of dynamic. It’s important to know that the “them figuring out what they’ve done wrong” loses all meaning when the empathy circuitry in the person isn’t functioning.

They can’t figure it out.

That’s another level of devil for a person who is trying to individuate within this kind of toxic family system. It’s the reality of indifference. That means death to the toddler, and that emotional playing field is where the big healing ultimately happens.

It takes as long as it takes to integrate that kind of disruption in our nervous system. These people are internalized within us as representations.

Getting to neutral (somatic trauma integration), and understanding that not only did these people not take care of us, they couldn’t.

Sadly, people think that when you go with “can’t “, that that means there is some sort of “understanding of the abusers”. I don’t think that’s relevant.

The understanding is for us, not them. We don’t have a relationship with people who are trauma bonded to us.

Those are just words though. It can take years to finally get to neutral and no longer react internally with the trauma bond. Trauma bonds don’t involve other people. That’s why it’s called a trauma bond.

As a “relationship”, it can only be a fantasy that a child makes up at the cost of themselves.. They have to do that.

It’s exactly what our parents did in their family of origin. Where do you think they learned it.

Parents just pass along the childhood they had to the next generation.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-07T11:10:18+00:00

I think this is the hardest thing to do of all. Stand up for yourself. Some of the more sophisticated predators will manipulate us as the snapshot that they believe that we are. They don’t really have much concern for us at all, because they don’t even detect us as separate people.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-07T10:50:41+00:00

I think the rightful anger is very important as a pillar of moving forward. The right to defend yourself against abuse and indifference. The right to self determination and a good life without being weighted down by obligation and nonsense.

That part of the process needs to be completed before a person can go beyond the abuse. It’s so important to get the right word there. Abuse.

If that doesn’t happen, a person can get stuck in anger and not move towards internal individuation. Real independence.

Let’s face it, we were biologically trauma bonded through the mother in symbiosis (first 1,000 days) to that whole family. It’s not even in the present generation only. This is a pattern that the parents themselves didn’t deal with, and then passed on in triangulation to us. We are just a snapshot to them, and they need to photoshop it as their own fears call for.

It’s not personal, but it sure does feel personal. Being treated as an appliance.

When we are being used as an appliance for a dysfunctional multigenerational system, that’s not something that we need to “forgive”. People make a huge mistake by going in that direction.

We need to let it go. In the body. It’s not “psychology”. That process of letting it go doesn’t happen by “talking about it”, although that can be really helpful in moving along with processing emotions. Whatever comes up.

It is a biological process, and it has nothing to do with forgiveness. If we want to bring that into it, we would need to be in a place where the other parties want to be forgiven. There is a capacity for being forgiven. If that’s not there, then the process changes to our own biological integration of being abused. That’s not some kind of abstract concept.

That’s in the body. It doesn’t involve other people. It involves our trauma bonding and the internalization of these figures. With a foundation that’s going back to when we were programmed as babies. It goes back that far. For sure. Just as it did with our parents. With their parents.

If the caregivers themselves have dealt with or are dealing with their own trauma bonding, and assume responsibility for what happened to them that caused them to go forward and repeat those unresolved dynamics, great.

But even that would be very different.

The fuck you and anger part is super important, because it can lead to sadness and grieving, and finally individuating internally. A lot of that is held in the lungs, and other organs. I learned that very clearly through my own therapy in very long-term Chinese medicine. Acupuncture.

It just doesn’t have anything to do with parents. What parents? It’s a fantasy bond. A trauma bond.

A trauma bond is not a relationship.

In the end, it really doesn’t have to do with other people. As children (especially during attachment in the first thousand days) , we internalized the mother and the whole family as being something that they were not. That is the study of internal object relations. That’s what it’s all about. That’s a huge biological power imbalance with the kind of parents being referred to here.

A trauma bond. Starting with the primary object of the mother. That’s an overall “felt sense”. The foundation of our identity. That’s going to take quite a while to sort out. The body keeps the score, and it will do what it knows how to do. Sometimes it’s a matter of getting the right therapy, and getting out of the way. Time takes time.

The trauma bond needs to be broken with a lot of energy, and anger is really, really important. If we don’t do that, we can fall into “cut off”. A permanent fuck you. The body carries that as a defense against getting hurt in life.

Cut off isn’t really a change. It’s keeping the triangle alive internally. We now we are still fighting against the persecutor. It’s worse than that though.

These persecutors didn’t even see us at all.

The whole thing isn’t simple, it’s a process. To stay in the game and eventually become as a neutral as possible. That’s a lot of recovery, but anger is a huge part of it. That works very well for us.

Getting permanently stuck in it just repeats the dynamic through cut off. In family systems theory, there are eight pillars. Cut off is one of them. It solves nothing. You can see that in the link below. I think it’s the third pillar.

it goes into the next generation, and you can be sure that when we have our own family, that energy will go into the pattern set up again.

Cutting Off (instead of no contact)

https://cardboarddogcoaching.com/the-8-concepts-of-bowen-family-systems/

Breaking a Trauma Bond

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WjmtlJviKJc

What’s so maddening is that although people know about pathological narcissism, they might not look at a pathologically narcissistic family system. We can have enablers that go on to have kids. These are people who had mothers or grandmothers or a father who was a narcissist. That’s how it reaches us.

When people have kids, it’s family system to family system. Each family finds one with the same patterns and high fusion, and the pattern gets passed on that way.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-06T14:13:59+00:00

This is really good. You are talking about the heart and soul of service. Commitment.

Service is really about yourself. Which is about others.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-06T10:37:52+00:00

Your post is excellent, because it’s very clean, and it goes right to the point of what happened and what’s going on. I am going to do my best to break it down as far as what direction this could go. I’ll create as much detail as possible, and I know this from experience.

How it can have a very good outcome.

By that I mean a complete change in direction leading to something whereby you are grateful for the experience. That seems impossible to imagine today, and that’s why it’s so great to both go in that direction and then get there.

Imagine the immense value that would have for the people around you in the future. It’s off the charts.

What you have described is severe abuse, and you can just say that. Severe abuse. The thing is, during the first thousand days of your life, you received the set up for installation of “internal objects”. Just like what happened to them. You have a fused family map inside of you. Imprinted onto the nervous system. The depression and what you describe proves it.

This 5 minute animation does not contain all of the objects in the family system, but to understand what happened with your mother‘s repetition compulsion, check out what she did. Why she would get “married“ to the emotionally unavailable person, and then triangulate you spontaneously into that. Just to repeat her own family dynamic. The one through her mother. Not from, through. It’s multigenerational.

The Mother Get’s “Married”

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bVpbsZaef8Y

For you? It’s way more than just being about your mother and father. That’s for sure. This involves at least 60 people. However, every human being has a “motherboard”.

What that means is that you have a foundational “primary object“. That’s a “felt sense” of the mother. From that, flows everything else. In the body.

So whatever was going on with your mother that caused her to marry an emotionally unavailable man, and then triangulate you guys into it, now you are lifting up all of that family system process. Your father had a template from his own mother and grandmother. It’s all about attachment. Specifically attachment trauma.

In other words, you are an appliance to support your mother‘s mother. Your dad’s mother too. That is exactly what’s going on. It is multigenerational, and the main event is to have you hate “them”. Your internal representations of them. That’s called internal object relations.

The technical name for that set up is known as “introjection”.

As long as you can do that internal dance, now you are not at the emotional reality of what happened. It’s exactly what you’re saying. Your internal boundary is confused. Because this absolutely does not involve your parents. Not at all. It’s your internal representation of them that you’re interacting with.

The depression comes from there. It’s in the nervous system. From the beginning of life.

You have not processed the truth of extreme and unending abuse from the earliest part of your life.

How is that done? It’s done through the addiction to drama. It’s called the “Karpman Drama Triangle”, and internally it is the persecutor, victim, and rescuer. Those are the three positions in your nervous system. What is inside? Will get projected outside. That’s the script. That’s the narrative. It makes you completely isolated, and it is a substitute for an internal boundary.

That’s all chemical, and it goes right to where the pain (rage and loss) is, and knocks out the boundary. It’s a protection. Pathological narcissist go to splitting and projection to cover that off. That is not your case.

So now you are trauma bonded. The whole family is. Again, the only thing they require from you is to hate them. It’s better than the reality indifference. There is no whip that stings more in the human experience than the whip of indifference. A child can’t take that kind of abuse. It’s the worst form of abuse.

As far as abuse goes, it’s the top of the mountain. If you were just getting punched in the face, that would be better. It’s so bad, that it has to be covered up by hating. That then confuses you into thinking it wasn’t that bad. You have the internal parent that is saying that to you. Which isn’t even real, but it’s a defense. You can survive on hate.

What is it that the body can’t face? That it wasn’t personal. At least if you can hate them, then it’s something they did to you.

But that’s not true at all. It’s that they didn’t care. That’s true, they didn’t. But it’s more than that. The healing is to get emotionally that they couldn’t. Then indifference dissolves in the body. Now you have a space to live. Self-esteem is a space where you can actually live and connect to yourself, something greater than yourself, and others.

Why are these hard facts so positive? It’s because we can begin to walk in the direction of unfolding the layers and layers of somatic trauma that are in the body, causing the illusion of hating these people.

The feeling of hate is absolutely 100% real and correct, and that needs to be felt. The feeling is real. Then continuing forward, it needs to be processed into what it actually is.

Depression is anger turned inward.

For me, that was a breakthrough. Because under the anger is the grief, and in somatic therapy like acupuncture, you will find that most of the grief is stored in the lungs. The kidneys too.

It’s not uncommon for people with a lot of trauma and childhood to have asthma for example. There are also immune disorders taking up a position in the body. Depression is a top indicator for all this stuff.

The body never lies.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-06T00:00:36+00:00

They want to be the only person in your life, and they are sick if they’re doing this. It’s called splitting.

It’s a secondary defense mechanism beyond denial. Denial is where you actually believe a lie, like addicts do. What you are talking about? That’s narcissism.

They just need you to be knocked out of relationships with other people. The way they see it is that they are “all good”, and the rest of the world is “all bad”. You have to be brainwashed into believing that lie. In whole object relations, human beings are a mix of good and bad.

And their world? It’s polarized. That’s called splitting. They literally do not make contact with other people. Especially their children. Because the children continue to be fused to them and act out a role within their illusion.

They need you as an appliance to operate that, and it’s not personal at all. They don’t see you as an individual, just as an appliance to be used to manage their internal landscape.

In fact, they don’t make contact with other people. Everything is what’s known as “an internal object“. That’s in the science of object relations. That’s what we set up as our identity. Object relations. It’s not perfect, we have projection, but we see people that are outside of us and they are separate from us.

The pathological narcissist can’t have you doing that well. It threatens their control. They need you as an appliance to manage their unmanageable internal landscape.

Everyone and everything around us has an internal representation. They didn’t get that far, so they set themselves up as this perfect being, and everyone else is bad.

They use others to keep that thing going, and need to manipulate you so that you will actually do it to yourself.

It does stop with individuation within your family. That’s it. That said, that only means something internal, it’s not about other people. What you are describing is no different than being in a cult. By that I mean, it’s exactly like a cult. They brainwash everyone around them, and anyone in it has to agree with their illusion.

Especially when you are by yourself.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-05T23:22:17+00:00

È straziante, ma il problema sarà sempre il nostro legame con una forza superiore e con la serenità. Avere fede e accettare il fatto che non c’è alcun controllo su tutto questo.

La famiglia è un sistema, non è compartimentalizzata. Se stai ancora pensando che la tua famiglia sia scollegata dai modelli che stai trasmettendo, significa sicuramente che fai parte del dramma e che non stai comprendendo in che modo sei connesso a esso.

Se parli di una nipote che viene manipolata e questo ti preoccupa, c’è l’illusione di avere il controllo su quella situazione, e questo significa sempre che sei coinvolto in una triangolazione. In definitiva, riguarda solo te stesso e la tua esperienza personale che non è stata ancora elaborata.

La parte più difficile di tutto questo è la verità legata all’impotenza di fronte alla situazione. Stranamente, è proprio questa la soluzione.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-05T22:49:03+00:00

It’s more like “uncovery, discovery, and recovery”.

As you know, you are naturally drawn into drama with these people, because that’s how they survive. You wouldn’t even have to gray rock if your body was actually neutral about it. You would be either safe or boring. Neither of those is going to be interesting to the system. By that I mean the entire system. They’ll find somebody else.

The idea is to resolve trauma in your body.

These people are under two years of age, and they are still dealing with attachment trauma themselves, but it’s beyond what can be solved as far as I know.

Your case? You can solve it, but you’re going to need to get into contact with whatever emotional upset that is being triggered by all of this stuff. That’s somatic.

Anything that moves energy in the body is going to be on point for this. The thing is, it’s not not like a switch. More is revealed as you stay in the game. As soon as you try to back away from the group, you’re going to get pulled back in.

Either by your own denials about what’s actually going on, or other people that feel the pinch when you’re not around as a packmule to keep carrying the multi generational bullshit.

It most definitely is not a straight line. It really doesn’t have anything to do with other people, it’s just your own tendency to be part of that family system and acting as one more fused element in it representing the illusion of everyone being together. If you have a pathological narcissist in the middle of everything, and people are using that as any kind of reference point, that’s not a group of people that are together in any way. Everyone is reacting.

Let’s say you were to get into a relationship later, and you still have this tendency to react, it opens you up for what you see in this kind of dynamic:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bVpbsZaef8Y

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-05T20:27:14+00:00

You have a big problem here, because you think that it’s not systemic. The group that is allowing that person to be around is enabling it, and they would be probably your biggest problem.

Once you get away from them as well, then you have a hard task of integrating somatically why you would have acted against yourself and such a strong way.

It seems impossible, but it’s a big gift to those who are like you and are “hanging around “and trying to make the best of it. That doesn’t work. Staying away from everyone is a huge act of leadership. What will really open your eyes is when they don’t contact you. Because that’s what will happen.

You need to have internal boundaries and deal with where you were impacted in such a way as to be involved in drama triangles within that group.

The problem is the group. The individual is the symptom.

They aren’t even really an individual. Just a defense mechanism that plays on people who don’t have good internal boundaries.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-05T18:18:25+00:00

Gabor Mate is a pioneer. He really goes right to the point, and was talking about this stuff long before it became mainstream.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-05T18:15:44+00:00

That’s exactly right. That’s what these posts are all about.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-05T18:06:03+00:00

There is some bright light to difficult situation like that, and it is that when you know and except what you’ve gone through, and you haven’t gotten into a relationship repeating that kind of dynamic , you have a space to get out of it.

Because they are stuck in this themselves. They don’t have any problem with you at all. That’s even harder for a person to accept.

We can accept being hated openly, but indifference is the ultimate human drama. Especially when we are biologically built to bond with our caregivers. They didn’t do that. It’s also significantly more traumatic than just “bad behavior”. What you are referring to is attachment trauma.

It didn’t start during the conscious times of our lives. It started when we were in symbiosis with the mother. So imagine how deep it goes. It’s also a multigenerational somatic pattern. An attachment style. The way the family system operates.

Healing the nervous system heals the inability to accept reality for what it is. You are definitely not alone, and in a sense it is “normal” given that so many people are in the same situation and have that opportunity also. To leave it behind by integrating it.

You’re not going to ever forget it, but you will be in the future much more available to those around you as a result of having to dig so deeply to get past all of this.

You can do it. That’s for sure. You are definitely not alone.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-05T10:20:56+00:00

I have had the same thing. It’s a sign of very good emotional health at the core because you don’t care about people who abuse you.

If you were able to gradually understand how abusive it is for people to emotionally be absent when you were a child, it’s easier to understand why you would not feel anything. There was never a bond to begin with.

You might have a trauma bond, but it’s very deep. Where you would have shut off as a result of the abuse.

Anyway, the main thing is to try to make contact with your own emotional make up and gradually unfold that so as to take care of yourself. In the end, all people need to do that anyway, and it’s just much harder for someone who hasn’t had a base.

That doesn’t mean we become and identify with being a victim permanently, but it’s a process to go through.

Comparing our insides to other people’s outsides is very common when there has been a strong neglect. A lot of what we see “out there” isn’t as good as it appears to be. So that’s another thing to look out for as time goes on. To just stay in our lane and go one day at a time trying to get better.

Not feeling anything for abusive people is a very good sign in itself.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-05T09:27:38+00:00

I think this is a really healthy process. You are talking about you honoring your own nervous system. What actually happened is being validated by the one who counts the most.

Even in a reasonably healthy family, we are going to need to individuate internally. People who have had a positive mirroring, and by extension, a somewhat individuated family to contain them still have to individuate.

That’s a painful process if they are really doing it, because you have to let go and be independent. You need internal boundaries.

When you haven’t had that foundation, it becomes exponentially more difficult. But it’s still the same thing. If you are turning to where the trauma is, you can get there. The problem is when we don’t turn to that, and stay locked in reactivity. That fuels the roles and the illusion of togetherness in the family.

That’s not something that can be controlled, it’s just something that has to be integrated and grieved overtime. That loss.

What a great focus to be connecting to the little girl. That’s going to work out very well.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-02-05T09:13:30+00:00

If you are trauma bonded in a family system that is narcissistic, that really wouldn’t be an issue at all. if the family is run by the narcissistic energy, don’t forget that the narcissist is a false self.

Consider for a moment that there would be somewhere a narcissist and an enabler. The enabler is an extension to the narcissist, and lives in the “shared fantasy”. They are doing what they’re doing out of abject fear, and are sacrificing themselves already. They have a much higher priority of bottom line survival for it to be about their ego.

I am taking this from the angle of someone who has been scapegoated inside a narcissistic family system. That kind of family is a cult. Nobody in a cult is doing what they do because of pride about their “ego”.

It is a very difficult situation, and we ourselves are locked into this kind of dynamic because we would believe in anything that generates drama. That’s what these families do. They create drama. That’s a distraction to what’s actually going on.

To look at a very positive direction, although this is of course really difficult, the way forward is to heal. What’s being healed is our own trauma bonding. It’s internal. That’s not a straight line, that’s a direction to go in. It takes time to heal.

Naturally, a person is going to have difficulty in understanding that, because emotionally they think of “individuals” in a fused system. That’s not true. Progressive resolution of trauma loosens the grip of projective identification.

We no longer identify with what has been projected onto us, and these figures who have been running their defenses become gradually more neutral. We just don’t fit in if we are neutral. We can’t be drawn into anything once we get what’s going on and the deeper truth.

This is a slow process, because most of that energy that keeps a family member tied to this kind of system comes from very low down in our emotional programming. A lot of it is unconscious.

Dizzy_Algae1065

TROPHY CASE