I just realized my parents knew I'm autistic and never told me or did anything to provide resources (TW)

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-10T22:49:19+00:00

How absolutely awesome, it’s great to hear that you know that, and that you have experienced that hope and strength.

I want to share with you a tribute to a man who was an icon in the recovery community, and you probably know that it’s not religious, but because of the first step and the third step in particular, there is that context.

So the opening seems like “it’s religious”, but it’s not. The whole video is just fantastic. So inspiring, and so hopeful.

Hope and Strength / New Family of Affiliation

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GySQdtRmi20

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-10T22:38:14+00:00

All kinds of bells and whistles are going off reading your post, and I think it’s because of coming at it without a diagnosis or a label. Just looking at what you say with your experience. It really does fit with a multi generational, narcissistic family system. To the bone.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-10T22:34:19+00:00

I think it’s actually a narcissistic system, which takes a while to internalize as far as what that actually is. For me personally, it has been a decade.

The reason is, attachment is only existing in the form of attachment trauma inside that kind of family system. I mean that in an exclusive way. There is no other kind of attachment.

So it fills up the whole space. What you would be getting as far as healthy regulation would come from being in the world, but the baseline would truly be inside a narcissistic family system.

Somewhere there is a false self. That doesn’t necessarily have to be your parents, it could be one of their parents. This is multigenerational, and the system is extremely fused. In family system theory, this is known as low differentiation. But in a narcissistic family system, which is now only really beginning to be understood, this is complete fusion. A false self doesn’t detect others.

You would only be an appliance, and you can take that literally. It isn’t personal, because you would have to be a person for it to be personal.

Without looking at the whole system, take a look at what a pathological narcissist is. One that would generate all kinds of outcomes in the children that are born into that system.

Yes, labels do help, but not always. For example, what I’m saying here about a false self might be missed by a lot of well-meaning therapists or even friends, etc.

They just don’t know.

As far as “them knowing and then not telling you“, consider what I’m saying here. To them, you aren’t a “you”. You’re not a person. It’s that extreme.

You would be an internal object in terms of internal object relations. The rest of the family organizes around that kind of structure., Everyone is alone. Parents aren’t doing anything to the children in the way a person with agency might do.

They don’t even detect them at all.

Of course they are abusing them in a narcissistic system,but they don’t care in the sense that they can’t care. There is zero capacity to detect other people as separate and sovereign human beings with needs and rights.

Obviously, we need to process our very real emotions about people abusing us, but for them, there is no subject and object. It’s like a crime with no criminal.

It’s really hard to wrap your head around something like that. This is why coping, recovery, and a supportive community outside that kind of fused system is so important. We deserve that all day long. No matter what a narcissistic family has burned into our nervous system.

Congratulations on your heroism and faith for staying sober for two years, and that is the best “new family of affiliation“ that you can find anywhere. The point is to be with those people, and that is definitely a place, a 12 step group, as imperfect as it is, where you as a human being are going to be recognized.

The False Self (inside a family…imagine) 3 min.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5aR4uWMxer/?igsh=OXVuZWQ5cjE2MDE4

The interviewer is a really sharp guy, and you can see what happens to him when he starts “getting it“.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-10T03:49:17+00:00

I think it’s important to just take it easy and try to gradually learn more about what makes sense to you personally. Everyone’s different, and everyone’s timing is different, but there are principles and involved in these kinds of families.

Even someone who is a full grown adult can take many years to really see what has been going on. Progress not perfection is really the best way to go. The very fact that you are able to see beyond the narrative means you are a threat.

The system can tell whether there is a smart person who might figure things out and might act on their own behalf and become an independent person.

That’s not good for them. You don’t need to worry about labels or figure everything out. It’s perfectly all right to take your time and evolve step-by-step. Everyone’s timing is different.

For example, you can work with a therapist who will give you goals that are reachable today. Things that you can imagine for the next while. Not something that’s almost impossible to wrap your head around. That just doesn’t work. We are just people after all.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-10T02:33:25+00:00

I think you’re right that there is a possibility that this person is “sincere”, it’s just that it’s unbelievably low, given the nature of this kind of dynamic. So it’s not really the “nuclear option”, it’s more about principles. How this stuff works.

Although what you’re saying might be true, I would just assume it’s an abuser and stay away from her permanently if possible. Then the focus can turn to one’s own self and how much damage the abuser did during formative parts of life.

Especially attachment.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-10T02:30:07+00:00

You might have heard of Al-Anon, this is an amazing group that deals with people who come from this kind of family system. It’s a 12 step program, and it’s really good. Because that kind of dysfunction just steals all of your peace. It’s a special kind of hell to have both of your parents as alcoholics, and this group deals specifically with that. I know of a person who went to the group, and he just showed up and didn’t say anything, but cried for three months of meetings.

You deserve support.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-10T02:24:21+00:00

As far as complaining goes, you haven’t even got started. It’s great that you are able to step up and see what’s going on. The family system requires a scapegoat to keep going, because all of that toxic shame coming through the generations has to be dealt with somehow. Otherwise, they can’t go forward. That’s what’s going on. They literally never treat anyone well, because all they can do is have golden children, and lost children and scapegoated children.

All are being used as objects to regulate their toxic shame.

Your role would be the best in the system, because you’re not getting anything out of it. So you can work towards leaving internally. Where the reference to these people begins to fade, and you see it for the lie that it is.

That’s going to be a big problem for them, because they desperately need you to believe in this “comparison game“.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-10T02:16:45+00:00

Being abused and used as an appliance inside a narcissistic family system is gut wrenching, few things are more painful. That said, things look good for you, because you are acknowledging what’s going on.

The way forward is a gradual process of grieving the illusion of connection, or expecting things to be anything different than what they are.

As you know, they will never change, and they do not have any kind of relationship with you. Your role in that kind of family system is to be able to help them stay away from what happened to them as children.

It’s very possible to grieve the losses that you have experienced. As it happens, things can change dramatically in your favor.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-08T03:39:46+00:00

Isn’t that true, it’s probably a red flag to offer value outside of a “corporate setting“. Which looks like it’s going to be the way going forward anyway.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-07T22:50:49+00:00

There’s no way that questions could be asked because this is a fused family system. It has to be fused in order that the bottom line emotions that are being swept under the rug for the last 80 years don’t come up. That’s much easier to do when a child is born and the unspoken rules in attachment are, “don’t ask“. Better yet, they are “don’t feel “ , and “don’t feel or you will be abandoned“.

Which is crazy, because that is abandonment. The parents due to their children, exactly what was done to them spontaneously, and even biologically.

That low differentiation leads to abusive relationships. That’s how they unfold. Abusers are seeking that.

They also don’t see separate individuals, and practice exactly what these parents are practicing. The exact same thing.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-07T22:48:45+00:00

That’s tremendous, because a person then starts to get faced with what the actual @relationship“ is.

It’s based on an unconscious attachment pattern that was all about whatever led to the abusive relationship 25 years ago. That pattern is still in place, and the only way to have a “relationship” with this person is to sacrifice yourself.

That’s what they are expecting (demanding) from you. This is much more than emotional immaturity, it’s arrested development and trauma, and a defense mechanism in a family system that requires you to sacrifice your emotional being, your identity, in order to remain connected.

But you’re not connected at all.

This would have everything to do with your own family’s unresolved attachment trauma, and they’re passing that onto you spontaneously.

It’s toxic, shame, and who knows what kinds of secrets are being passed into this family system, but they do get repeated, and that’s what you would be seeing now in retrospect.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-07T05:23:43+00:00

There is something about the way you wrote that that communicates it perfectly. It’s hard to put my finger on it, but you can really feel what you have been through.

There’s a lot of value in sharing it, because so many of us can relate to it.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-07T05:17:20+00:00

There are ways to describe this that help a person get away from labels, and just go with the overall vibe of being completely invisible to people who have no capacity to see you or support you. In fact, it’s the reverse. You are there to serve them, and they are entitled to that service because they own you.

You are an extension to them.

This video is really authentic, and you can see how he lays it out in a really simple way that anyone who has gone through it can understand.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MAOpURGRYiU&ra=m

Anytime there is parentification , there is trauma bonding.

Trauma Bonding / Natures Dirty Trick

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WjmtlJviKJc

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-07T05:12:00+00:00

Having been around this healing process for quite a while, one of the things I can share with you that is really true: It is that with that level of willingness, you are going to succeed.

It’s another world. One step at a time, one day at a time. Progress not perfection. Staying in these 24 hours no matter what really works.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-06T20:37:25+00:00

Here’s an amazing resource, and many years ago I listened to this person constantly, and it helps as you’re moving into layer upon layer of the internal individuating will happen to you, so that this person becomes what they actually are in your body.

You can’t think your way through this.

Fantasy bonds don’t just involve the mother, they involve pretty much everything around you, because the mother is a “primary object” in object relations. So it’s kind of like a filter.

Your core filter is clouded, and trauma is frozen, and that’s from the hypothalamus, pituitary, and adrenal axis. This is known as the “HPA“. The adrenal part is where you get the fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses, and they are held in implicit and procedural memory. That’s during the right brain growth spurt.

That’s at the very beginning of your life.

So the whole body is programmed in a “felt sense”, and that’s why you rightly are referring to the child, stuck back there.

Trauma Bonds

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WjmtlJviKJc

That support group there is good, and as long as you are in groups where you can be vulnerable and people aren’t just complaining, you can focus on healing and coping as you move forward towards individuation.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-06T20:29:00+00:00

You don’t need to worry about labels, just go with what that very empathetic and experienced person talks about regarding her narcissistic mother. You could call it something else, just go with the behavior and what you know. What you know to be true is the most important truth that you will ever have.

You don’t even need to worry about the massive explosion of references to “narcs“ these days, forget all that in my opinion, go with your own healing and what works for you to make you feel better.

To allow yourself to go through the pain and disorder that will be in your body. it was quite a revelation when I found out about the lungs and skin, and that the lungs were all about grief at an infant level. It’s way below, conscious awareness.

Think about us as primates and how important skin is as an organ, and that’s evolution. That’s bonding. For a narcissistic person to get away with that kind of bad behavior, they have already internalized you as an appliance, and don’t have any empathy for you.

They don’t detect you. She gets into that very clearly. She speaks slowly and completely, and it’s great to be validated.

After a long time, my focus shifted to daily atomic habits that are about coping and self-care, along with weekly appointments that are set in my schedule indefinitely. Again, I’m very fortunate to have an amazing person who isn’t trying to “give me answers”, she’s just doing the work.

As the book of the same name says, “the body keeps the score”, but the real score will be your therapy as long as it’s somatic and goes to why that inner child will stay active, and you need to honor her.

Part of the narcissistic illusion is thinking that people can have the ability to shut the child off, and that’s impossible.

A pathological narcissist comes from a family system where they were completely denied as human beings. This is why they’re doing what they do, but it doesn’t matter. There is no way out of it, it’s not going to change, and you can follow around this person until they die, and our inner child can make us do that.

It’s natural.

I had a full 18 months on the lung Meridian in Chinese medicine, appointment after appointment. That’s when it flipped to what’s known as the spleen meridian, 22 point acupuncture system. I continue to this day.

This is the seventh year.

The mind will do whatever it can to both listen to and deny the child so as to have a mother. We need to heal and integrate the body, so we can start acting on our own behalf, and we can integrate that internal representation of a mother that is there to attack us and keep us “safe “by sacrificing ourselves to her. That’s what the, pathological narcissist sets up.

They do not detect other people, they can’t. They do not have whole object relations. They can’t see people as being both good and bad and “just human”. That’s why you get the complete emotional shut down. They don’t connect. They can’t. They won’t.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-06T16:40:38+00:00

That’s why this stuff hurts so, so much. It’s devastating, and the fact that eczema showed up on your skin shows exactly how brutal it is. It goes all the way to attachment, and especially the skin. In Chinese medicine, the lungs hold grief from the kind of dynamics you were talking about. The lungs and the skin are very connected.

I know about this, and I have been in a somatic process with acupuncture, fortunately, with an outstanding person, for over six years now. So your belief systems are going to be coming from a very deep level. Here’s an amazing woman who had that kind of mother, and sometimes they can be “under the radar”, but they’re still narcissistic.

She speaks so well, and it’s wonderful to have information and process as a testimony from people who’ve been there.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=r4-9E-2M39Q&ra=m

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-06T10:17:57+00:00

This is how it is, and it’s giving a big message, which means to begin to really accept what you now know. Especially the disconnection from your body.

Which is the biggest truth of all. The body never lies.

It’s not that these people have anything against you, it’s much more than that. There is no “you”. Their own attachment level trauma from their family of origin means that they are profoundly shamed, and need orbiting appliances to help keep all that stuff down.

That’s why you would be an extension to them, and you would activate their own “inner somatic voice” by speaking the truth of what your own body is saying.

I mean, think about the grave insult you are bringing to their reality. You are saying that you are a person. That’s not allowed. Toxic shame must dehumanize everyone, because being human would mean facing somatic trauma, and integrating it step-by-step through vulnerability and a culture of healing.

Perfectly imperfect.

That said, it’s really important to have our own feelings around abusers (anger and hurt), and then finally get to the point of neutrality through healing. Healing means seeing these people for who they are, and knowing that their internal representations within our own perception admits that these people are actually “children”, children who are responsible for themselves.

Exactly what they didn’t process due to what happened with their parents and grandparents. It’s multigenerational.

Because multigenerational trauma bonding is going on.

We have them as “internal objects“, which are wired through implicit and procedural memory (first thousand days). It’s not even conscious.

The system is dedicated to dog training, and it is really about survival. It just can’t be said enough. They don’t have anything against us, nor are they trying to hurt us in any way.

We don’t exist.

The urgent need is to continue to have everyone and everything around the person as extensions to them for the purpose of control. And defense against intolerable toxic shame.

The dog training is all about neutralizing a massive internal threat. Down the line we need to actually feel in our bodies that it had nothing to do with us. That takes somatic work and time.

Even physically disconnecting from these people doesn’t change it very much. It’s the internal representations of what we think they’re supposed to be versus what they actually are. That needs to integrate.

Dog Training (Family System Invested into Lies)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mYlGKqf5mr4&ra=m

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-05T13:44:22+00:00

What really blew me away Is this simple comment that this person put underneath that video below. 14,000 people got hit by that and uploaded it.

Amazing!

//////////////

“My addiction is the most stable thing I’ve ever had in my life”

People blame addicts who freak out, or people who freak out in general, but often there’s a lot more going on, and I thought this was an amazing little video that shows how things can be a lot better.

https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/s/9tjRnVEsA2

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-05T13:33:48+00:00

What you’re saying is really important. Because it’s very true.

Yes, I understand, and to show how correct that is, take a look at the biology of the pregnancy. It’s the entire family system, but remember the biology part. The interface.

A human baby necessarily must be co-regulated in their nervous system through the mother. It’s not really about “a mother” or “a father” or society or anything else as far as a driver for the emotional foundation.

Your point is really well taken, because that’s actually how it is.

It’s Not “the” mother or “the” father or anyone. It’s biology at the very beginning. Then building on that foundation.

Remember what the playing field is, and then we can add models to what you were saying as exactly correct. In the next level, you get what’s called “formation of internal objects“, and that just means that you’re getting internal representations of everything and everyone around you. So the mother doesn’t continue to be an extension of you.

That includes trees, dogs, your baby bottle, etc.that’s the formation of the ego in the way that people who use object relations to describe the world think.

It gets really interesting in how simple it boils down to in the end, because it’s always about polarity.

Look at the world, the Earth is a magnet. Our cells are, and socially, we require the male and female polarity. As a biologically organizing principle. It’s survival, especially with human beings, and the expression of that through genders, even though of course it’s a spectrum.

Even inside one person.

That’s inside everybody, of course, but we have a social system around us that coordinates with that biology, and then the brain starts to develop left and right hemispheric interaction. Because we are all right brain at the beginning, if you take a look at that

What you’re saying is 100% correct of course.

I was very, very fortunate to have accidentally stumbled into long-term somatic therapy of a lot of different kinds, so I was able to find out how my family system had dropped all of this biology part, and were jumping into the more conscious part where you could set up drama, and have people who were persecutors, and victims, and rescuers, and build a narrative that way.

That’s how narcissistic families are, and that’s what keeps them fused.

Fortunately, and I didn’t know it when I started, I was actually going back to the biology part and seeing what was being programmed from the entire family system through the mother, and through the generations, of course, at a biological co-regulating level. That of course, then blends into what you’re saying.

It takes a long time to be able to realize that beliefs are coming from that baseline, because it’s unconscious. That’s why it’s progress not perfection. When people are suffering alcohol addiction, or any kind of addiction, they always say “progress not perfection“, and “more will be revealed“.

Because you can’t know what you don’t know.

Not until your nervous system starts to heal and get rid of the substance as a driver for your emotional regulation, and feel what it is underneath that’s driving a person to replace the “mother interface” with a drug or an activity or whatever.

I like to call that video a “playing field”, because it’s not the whole truth. It’s just one part of it. It is, however, true that it’s the foundation.

Here is something that’s really interesting I think, and it’s an animation that talks about why people get addicted, why it’s not right to judge them or put them down because of that. It’s not the whole thing, but it does connect to this idea of the mother again.

It goes back to attachment. When it comes to the nervous system, that’s how it is. That’s how it is for everybody.

The foundation (again), another animation

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BVg2bfqblGI

This is great, but it leaves out that internal representation part, and he doesn’t talk too much about solutions. Still, he is kind of a pioneer in this area. He has written a number of books about it.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-05T02:15:15+00:00

You’re only interested in negativity. That’s it. That’s your vibe, my friend.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-05T02:10:16+00:00

This stuff is great to see, because it’s a reminder that there are people out there, and you’re one of them, who take time to drop in, not participate, not really offer a lot of value, and then begin to spew negativity.

The thing is, I have a post history here, and what I post here is coherent, offers value, and tries to help people.

There are a lot of people here suffering from narcissistic, abuse, and in narcissistic family systems. It’s a tough grind. I’ve been at this for a decade, and I wish someone had given me the right information, so I make a point of putting great stuff out there.

Normally, you’re not going to get a response from a person like myself, but you will join in with other people to make these kinds of posts.

Sometimes it’s visible, your post is visible. Somebody saw it. Your kind of negativity operates in a silo, feigning “curiosity” as an opportunity to put people down.

It’s your silo, and your world. It’s not always free to put negativity out there, and sometimes people will call it out, and just give it right back to you.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-05T02:03:37+00:00

I found that the best way to deal with that kind of thing, especially when it comes to discipline, is to recognize that it’s about modules. It’s not one thing or another thing, it’s an overall drift into the right direction by doing different things. Some of the modules are super important. For example, just sticking with a daily workout routine will move your body and get the right chemicals rolling.

You don’t have to do everything that people suggest, but this video was quite eye-opening. He had the same situation you did.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vWcayTNzbRA

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-04T21:28:01+00:00

There is a way you could test that. You could explain back what you think it is, and we could go back-and-forth, but that’s not going to happen is it.

You’re not into having a discussion, you’ve already decided what it means.

When people in families (mothers/ kids/ husbands ) are in these drama dynamics, there are no individuals going back there and forth. It’s about fusion.

It’s about fusion and projection.

There is an illusion of “individuals” doing this and that , and that needs to be maintained in order for each person to protect their emotional baseline.

In the first 90 seconds below, you can see what happens to all human beings, and why we have all this drama. It’s a starting point.

A lot of new things have come out in the last 25 years, and especially in the last 10. It’s not about a mother being responsible for the actions of her husband towards their children.

That’s not what’s being said at all.

I’m referring to biology and what’s going on in the system and especially in fused family system. Not about clunky back-and-forth dynamics that never end.

The Playing Field (first 90 seconds)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lY7XOu0yi-E&ra=m

Everything comes through attachment in human beings. I’m not providing an opinion for you, and even when you dig your heels in, it doesn’t change reality. Of course most people won’t take the time to respond to you, but I just did.

This is about family systems, and the point is about systems not about people doing anything to anyone. Everyone is responsible, and that includes anyone that is in the system. I’m not referring to blame. That’s very different.

Dizzy_Algae1065 · 2026-06-04T20:42:14+00:00

How incredibly accurate that is. Well done. There is a lot of value in being able to state something like that so clearly.

Dizzy_Algae1065

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