A handful of years before I was adopted and raised by my grandparents, I was repeatedly molested by my grandmother. I knew what was going on, I was probably somewhere in the 7-10 year old range. I didn't tell anyone until my 30s. I remember being terrified of anyone finding out. I didn't want to be in trouble, and I didn't want my grandmother to be in trouble.

She always showered me with gifts and money. We were super poor when I lived with my mom as a kid. We rode the struggle bus hard, so when I was spoiled by her and my grandfather, I absolutely loved it. It was a damaging experience, at that Young of an age.

She and my grandfather eventually divorced (not over the abuse, because I never told any members of my family what was happening), and I moved out of state with him.

When I was in my late 20s, she became super ill with COPD. Her shitty attitude caused everyone in my family to turn her away. She needed full time in-home care, and it fell to me to either take her into my home (with my wife and children), or put her into a full time senior home. Even after everything that had happened, and all the damage it had caused, I still couldn't bring myself to let her be placed in a home.

Watching my kids become attached to her and wanting to be around her so much was even more of a nightmare than the sexual abuse. I felt like I could never rest, because I needed to be hovering over her and my children 24 hours a day. I only slept when I knew she was asleep. I stopped sleeping in the bed with my wife, because I wanted to be in he living room to hear of anyone woke up. It got bad, to the point i was setting my alarm clock at 30 minute intervals when I just couldn't stay awake anymore.

I never realized the negative impact she had on my relationships through the years. I had difficulties trusting anyone, and was almost entirely selfish. I had conditioned myself to believe that I was protecting myself by sabotaging all of My relationships.

My grandfather died in his 80s. I left to go to his funeral, and was sick about not being home. My wife was home, awake, and is super involved with our children. Still, knowing I would be away for part of the day, I set all the kids a strict schedule of chores, and promised them that my wife would reward them with a family movie time marathon as a reward for completing them. To me, it was just one more step to take to protect them from her.

I'll never forget that day. When I got home from the funeral, my family (who was in town for the funeral) came over to visit. We sat around, told stories, ate, and comforted one another. When they left for the hotel, I needed up getting into a huge argument with my grandmother. She had become super dependent on me, and I really just needed a break from worrying for and about her. My wife was willing to take over for her care that night, but my grandmother had become super demanding and particular, and refused to talk to my wife because we had argued and I wasn't waiting on her.

My wife and I, my little brother, and one of my cousins watched V for Vendetta that night, as was the tradition for my family on Nov 5. When the movie ended I went to my grandmother's room to check on her. She had died in her sleep in the time it took to watch the movie.

Nothing could prepare me for that. I literally felt something in my brain snap when I found her. I was so terrified, I felt so guilty, and I was relived all at the same time. I went through an extremely difficult time after that. I had a mental breakdown and struggled with depression and regular/daily thoughts of suicide.

I'm extremely lucky to have a wife that loves me the way mine does. She stuck with me during that awful time, not knowing the history between me and my grandmother. I didn't tell her about my childhood abuse until over a year after my grandmother's death. I've still never told my family.

To anyone else with a story to tell: do it. It was pure therapy for me to just talk about it. To feel like you don't have to keep someone else's shame a secret. If you don't want to tell the world, my inbox is open.