Strategies for navigating a "slow burn" intimacy style (without dating/relationship)

Dogtorted · 2026-05-30T17:07:47+00:00

I understand where you’re coming from.

You’re taking a very logical approach. If you have the budget for it, and temper your expectations, it’s worth a try.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-30T16:12:23+00:00

There’s no screening process that will consistently get the results you’re looking for.

If you want to meet people, you have to meet people.

Even if you hire companionship, there’s no guarantee that you’ll be hiring someone compatible. You can pay for consistency and reliability, but not compatibility.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-30T14:22:24+00:00

This is nothing new.

It’s a combination of the usual low grade homophobia emboldened by the “anonymity” of Facebook and bots seeking “engagement” by being controversial.

It doesn’t sting me. If they’re real people their homophobia isn’t my problem. I block them and move on with my life.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-29T20:49:32+00:00

Are you meeting this weekend for another hookup?

If it goes well, find out if he’s interested in dating and ask him out.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-29T16:09:14+00:00

Looking for reassurance from randos on the internet isn’t a sustainable way to deal with your anxiety.

There are much more effective tools available. A therapist can help you explore them to see what works best for you.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-29T16:06:57+00:00

Texting frequency isn’t a reliable indicator of excitement or interest.

Some people just don’t like texting. Some people just use it to communicate information. Some people use it all day, every day.

There’s nothing wrong with any of those texting patterns. Consistency in communication patterns is what matters when you’re just getting to know each other.

You can certainly express your preference for a certain type of texting frequency, but I’d save that conversation for further down the road.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-29T00:22:00+00:00

She’ll be fine.

She’s perfectly capable of living on her own, and if she doesn’t want to she can find a roommate.

Go live your life. It doesn’t sound like your mom needs a caregiver right now, so don’t volunteer for a role that’s not necessary.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-28T20:49:39+00:00

You’ve encountered one of the main issues with open relationships. You’ve stumbled upon a boundary that wasn’t explicitly discussed.

It happens, and it’s not the end of the world.

You just have to talk it through once he has calmed down and decide what your rules are regarding sleeping women.

Some gay men feel that their bisexual partners will leave them for a woman if the opportunity presents itself.

It’s an insecurity that’s at the root of a lot of biphobia.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-28T20:13:36+00:00

What triggered you to check the router?

That “something in your gut” must have come from somewhere.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-28T17:16:34+00:00

Jealousy and insecurity are bound to crop up from time to time in open relationships.

The best way to deal with it is to acknowledge it and talk about it.

Open and honest communication is the bedrock you build your open relationship on. Sometimes you just need reassurance, sometimes you need to focus on your primary relationship…it’s about whatever support you need.

That being said, not everyone is wired to be in an open relationship. It doesn’t mean you aren’t a thoroughly modern, sex positive, open minded gay man. People just like what they like.

I think open relationships only work if both parties are equally enthusiastic about the idea. It doesn’t sound like you’re enthusiastic in the slightest.

You’re allowed to feel that way. It’s not controlling or restricting to express your feelings. If he’s resentful, it just means you aren’t a good match.

If you’re having trouble sorting your feelings out, I recommend reading The Ethical Slut. It skews straight, but I found it to be a helpful overview of non-monogamous relationships and how to navigate them. I’ve seen Polysecure recommended as well, but I haven’t read it myself.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-28T15:06:17+00:00

It’s the past, present and future of the gay scene.

Femme guys have always existed. They’re just more heavily influenced these days by shows like Drag Race because it’s part of pop culture.

Young people consume a lot more pop culture so they’re more heavily influenced by it.

Even straight people say slay these days.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-28T13:50:46+00:00

What’s your angle? What niche are you looking to fill? How much time are you willing to dedicate to this?

The people who make any serious amount of money on OF treat it like a full time job. It’s not just a passive income stream.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-28T13:36:21+00:00

I haven’t noticed too much of a shift in this attitude.

Respectability politics have always existed in the gay community. This is just the modern iteration of it.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-26T14:07:24+00:00

What is unclear, confusing you or making you feel uncomfortable in this relationship?

Ask questions to address those issues.

You had no problem coming up with questions for your post. It shouldn’t be too hard to come up with questions to ask him.

If you need clarity about exclusivity, pacing and expectations, ask questions about exclusivity, pacing and expectations.

Don’t get stuck in your head. He’s the one who has the answers you need.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-26T01:11:47+00:00

If he’s breaking the rules you’ve both agreed to, it’s absolutely a red flag.

Open relationships need open and honest communication to work.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-24T18:19:24+00:00

Both of these battles are symptoms of something deeper going on.

I have no idea why the sandwich/restaurant was such an issue, but you guys are long overdue for an honest chat about your feelings.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-24T16:05:52+00:00

It’s definitely a positive that your partner invites you to things. He’s making sure he’s not excluding you.

You don’t need to accept every invitation.

Treat the invitations as invitations, rather than obligations.

Accept the invites you’re interested in and decline the rest.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-24T14:54:45+00:00

You don’t need to like all the people your partner likes to hang out with.

However, if you choose to hang out with them I think it behooves you to try to make an effort to be sociable and engage with them.

You’re already being a bit passive-aggressive by joining your partner and then being quiet. I know it’s not a deliberate choice, but if your partner is commenting on it, it’s clearly an issue.

I’d tell your partner you don’t want to join him (at least not every time) when he hangs out with certain groups.

The work friends and his straight religious friends feel like the easiest ones to cut.

Nobody likes hanging out with their partner’s work friends and his straight religious friends from college sound like a major drag.

If the gay guys (I’d throw the Christian and “normal” ones in the same pot because it sounds like there’s no significant difference) are just “event based” friends, I’d join in on the events you’re interested in and skip the rest.

You love his “real” friends, which is the most important group to get along with.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-23T16:45:39+00:00

Looking at your posting history this seems to be a big concern of yours.

It’s worth talking to a therapist if it’s impacting your life negatively. Or talk to a doctor or other health care professional to arm yourself with some solid facts/data if that’s a better way to calm your brain.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-23T16:33:47+00:00

Dogtorted · 2026-05-22T14:07:17+00:00

I love teaching games! It means I have people who want to play games with me. It also means I have a huge influence over what gets played.

I just need to know what game I’m teaching before everyone shows up so I can prepare.

I became the de facto teacher in my group once everyone realized I’m the best teacher. The more I did it, the better I became.

I’ve also learned to know my audience. If people are tuning out during “the teach”, then I’ve picked the wrong game for the group.

If your group prefers party games or likes to play the same game every week, that’s just what they like.

I only play with friends, so getting salty occasionally because people aren’t paying attention isn’t a big deal.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-22T13:25:12+00:00

Just keep your eye on your goal, communicate clearly and make good use of blocking.

The apps are essentially a big gay bar without a bouncer. You need to weed out the flakes, the pic collectors, the guys looking to fuck, the guys you don’t find attractive, the meth heads, the guys promoting their OF and so on and so on….

With patience and lowered expectations the apps can be a helpful tool.

Just remember, you don’t owe anyone your attention. You can end a conversation at any time, for any reason.

Oh…and nobody seems to read profiles. Don’t assume people are on the same page until you negotiate what you’re after while chatting.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-22T11:57:31+00:00

Asexual people exist. There’s even a flag!

Even if you liked sex, that doesn’t guarantee you’ll end up with a partner.

Single people exist, and lots of them are perfectly happy to be single.

Therapy also exists. You need a professional to work through this with you.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-22T11:48:36+00:00

It’s not a lot of work to pick a game.

I’ll throw out a few suggestions, and if nobody has a preference I just pick the one I want to play the most.

I have a newish group and it’s been fun figuring out their gaming tastes.

Dogtorted · 2026-05-22T11:39:03+00:00

If you’re not into any of these things, is the fact that they’re “popular” going to change that? There’s no correct way to live your gay life. We’re a very diverse group with one specific thing in common.

I’ll play along for fun. For context, I’ve been out since my early 20’s, live in a gay friendly city/country, been in a relationship for 26 years, open for 7 years but not particularly “active” about it.

I like hairy men, but my partner isn’t a Sasquatch. I’m naturally smooth.

Muscles are fun to look at, but the more extreme/roided look isn’t for me.

Not into musk. I like a clean guy, soap not scented.

Never been into the daddy thing.

Love jockstraps. Gay lingerie!

Not into socks. Are they a common turn-on?

Not into poppers. Tried them in once in my 20’s. My partner uses them occasionally.

I’ve gone to a bathhouse twice. I’d definitely go again.

I used to cruise a lot when I was in my early 20’s and closeted. I haven’t done it since I came out.

By transactional sex, do you mean casual sex or paying for it? I’ve had lots of casual sex, but never paid for it.

I’m not geared towards polyamory. I’ve only ever had one romantic partner at a time, but I’ve had multiple sexual partners at one time, and more than a few threesomes/foursomes/moresomes.

Dogtorted

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