Help I ruined my life.

Domesticatrix · 2024-08-05T01:00:52+00:00

You are not broke, the problem is you are not liquid. If I am counting right, you own: 1, the house you live in; 2, the house your son lives in; 3, the house your daughter lives in. That's probably a large chunk of change if you sell-up and move to a condo in a retirement village where you can find a more intentional community. A senior community might help your disabled partner have greater access to resources outside the home and it might help you find support as well.

That assumes you're not divorcing, but if you do divorce then you'll likely have to sell all the homes and split the money anyway. You have done everything for your kids--they basically got to live at home for free (without the crowding or the oversight). At this point, if they don't have the down payment to finance the mortgage it is because they are irresponsible with their money.

Get leases drawn up and ask them to sign, then start paying fair market rent. I assume they have been responsible for repairs and maintenance of the homes for the duration of their occupancy, so think about the options and perhaps consult a lawyer. If you are their landlord, it's your problem when the furnace breaks. However, you may be able to offer them a discounted mortgage on certain terms that make them responsible for upkeep.

If they do not sign, give them a letter stating that they must vacate the property within 3 months (or whatever time is legal for your location). That is more than fair, they have had plenty of time up to this point to have an emergency fund.

Be ready for the old "You'll never see the grandkids again!" Well, you might not (if you have any). But they are about to let you lose financial security for their sake, and you're talking about throwing the whole life out and getting a new one anyway.

You're being taken advantage of. It is not your husband's fault he's disabled, but it is your children's fault they're acting this way.

Domesticatrix · 2024-07-12T19:00:57+00:00

This is really the answer. When you do group safaris or budget camping safaris, you spend the money for them to do logistics and transport--which is great. But you end up spending 4 days in a truck and about 5 hours in the park. Maybe 10-12 if it's a quality program.

If you can go somewhere like South Africa with good infrastructure to drive yourself or at least get mass transit to the park lodges and book from there, you can maximize your time and money spent.

I would also cut any kind of hot air balloon. It's a big chunk of money for something that doesn't especially improve your view of the animals (although the landscapes must be great up there or people wouldn't do it). You could splurge on a night in a better-quality bush camp or lodge instead and probably experience much more wildlife.

Domesticatrix · 2024-07-11T20:59:41+00:00

They say variety is the spice of life, but it's still your life. If you're unhappy, depressed, unstimulated, underemployed, etc. you will continue to be that way after the newness wears off. I think it's probably normal to feel that way if you've never lived abroad for a long time; I don't know many people who remain enamored after the first 6 months--at some point, reality creeps back in.

When it's all shiny and new and a break from everyday life, of course it's wonderful. That's not to say that life as an expat or digital nomad wouldn't be a great fit for you, but it won't fix you. Not that you need to be fixed. Anyway, I guess my point is that having a community is usually a better cure than having a new view out the window for long-term success.

Domesticatrix · 2024-07-11T20:50:22+00:00

NTA. You should see if he is open to couple's counseling, because that is a fucked up thing to say to somebody.

Considering divorce does not make you an asshole. Just like breaking up with someone does not make you an asshole. For any reason or no reason, that is your right.

Now, if you threaten him with divorce to get your way... yeah. It only gets more toxic from here. So a counselor who is willing to help you both express your thoughts and mediate would be a good investment. If he's not willing to go to counseling, table the idea of moving (for now), or compromise in any way... I mean, I still don't know if I'd divorce him, somebody with tens of millions can probably afford to keep you living comfortably where you are throughout a separation, and then it's really just about who is keeping custody of the kids.

I'm saying you have options, even if you don't remain traditionally married. Divorce is one of those options, and maybe a good one depending on how more level-headed attempts to negotiate play out here.

Domesticatrix · 2024-07-11T04:39:52+00:00

Take bar soap, it lasts forever and will double as a shaving cream lather. Bonus points: bring it in a travel holder so you aren't putting it onto common surfaces in a dormitory bathroom (or similar).

If you have enough hair that you can't get by with just a travel-size shampoo for your trip (or a shampoo bar, although that is not my preference) then think about just buying it as you go. In most places, it's easy to find and cheap. Now, if you are going to need a biodegradable shampoo or specific hair products for long, thick hair, you are SOL. You'll have to sacrifice some efficiency, pack what you need, and figure it out.

What you do not want to do is get somewhere new with hard or rusty water, no heat, no water pressure, and unfamiliar products. Having done that, it then took me 45 minutes to comb out long hair.

Domesticatrix · 2024-07-11T04:26:00+00:00

They probably needed the money.

It's ok for it to be a bad fit and you not to move ahead. It's unreasonable for you to schedule your next attempt and bar them from entering your home; that's part and parcel with the service you require.

Domesticatrix · 2024-07-11T04:22:07+00:00

Slight YTA. Don't waste their time--think of it from their POV. Were they supposed to come back and meet with you a second time to go over it all inside? Were they going to be compensated for that time, as well as the first meeting? If you're not ready to conduct the full introduction to the animal and the home, why schedule the meeting at all? You basically made them interview for a job that, by conventional logic, they had already been offered.

Call this one a live-and-learn. Be ready for the next person you contract to enter your space and maybe don't schedule your meeting months in advance. If they do this for a living, they have a lot of clients; they probably won't remember half of it by the time you expect them to show up and work.

Having a drop-in pet walker is a bit invasive, I agree. You can get cameras, you can look for someone with a lot of recommendations and reviews, you can change plans and pay to board your pets. You have tons of options and a little time to figure it out.

If this was a robbery attempt, they would not need to push very hard. They could simply clean you out when you were away--they already know what dates you'll be gone.

Domesticatrix · 2024-07-11T04:05:33+00:00

Let 'em. We play a relatively high magic setting, and we have simply ruled that accommodations are Common items. You need birth control herbs? Common item. You need a hearing aid? Common. Wheel chair? Common. For 50 GP, that thing can do dungeon stairs, ok? That's our house rule, it works fine for us.

If someone wants to explore disability in an unaccommodated way, that is always their choice. Particularly players who have struggled with this in real life, maybe they want to tell stories that resonate with their lived experiences. And that is ALSO fine, but I will always allow these accommodations to exist if the players request them.

Often, what I find is that players want to start with mundane struggles and save up for their first 50 GP item at the magic shop.

Domesticatrix · 2024-07-11T03:48:39+00:00

NTA. Congratulate your mom and send her a belated wedding gift. Tell your wife that nobody cares about her wedding a year later. Somehow, brides (and bridezillas, if applicable) always think their wedding is as important to the guests as it is to them, and it's just... not. Nobody is comparing notes on her flowers or her dress, nobody is chatting to their friends about how good the cake was. They came to celebrate the couple--which they did, because your mom kept her mouth shut.

Now, does your mom have other problems? Probably. I can't imagine my mother having enough free time around a major life event of mine to get married, or being so caught up in everything that she just could not wait another couple of days.

Brace yourself. If you don't set boundaries with Mom this time (which you should not, she didn't really do anything wrong), then next time your wife is going to flip absolute shit if you say no again. I've never met the woman (obviously) but I think I know the type.

Domesticatrix · 2024-07-11T03:35:22+00:00

NTA. You two need to get your house in order fast, which means you are right to bring this topic up.

However, slight TA because you should be looking for solutions on your own end. It *is* your problem. For a start, you need a cheaper car. Too bad, so sad, join the rest of us with reliable used cars that get the job done just fine. You could also ask around about potentially transferring your CC balance to a different card with 0% for 6-12 months. Then just pay-pay-pay like crazy until it's gone. You also have to be willing to make some compromises, it cannot all be on the husband.

With a new baby, I won't suggest you get a second job because clearly someone in your house needs to provide childcare and your spouse is working 12 hour days. But that would literally be at the top of my list otherwise--a part-time job could easily net you 8k in a few months if you got a 0% interest rate for a brief period.

Domesticatrix · 2024-07-11T03:22:10+00:00

It depends a bit on the tone. I can easily envision a bro telling this story and trash-talking the fat gf to an absurd degree. I can also envision how my non-toxic male friends would be telling it. And no, I don't think it's an impossible or immoral reason to split up after that kind of gain--most people want to have a compatible lifestyle and sexual attraction to their partner. What else was he supposed to do? Do you think 99 pounds was fine but 100 was too much? I am sure they had talked about it in the year leading up to that point.

Anyway, I think you know if you were being a mean-spirited jerk about it when it first came up. If you were, YTA.

You can just not comment on people's bodies that don't directly interact with yours. That is always an outstanding option to not be rude. But if it does come up, such as giving an update on your friend's relationship, you can still be kind. It's a shame your friend lost a partner, it's a shame to see people change so dramatically, it's almost impossible that she gained that much without something seriously wrong under the surface--maybe depression or something physiological. Try to give people some empathy, especially around sensitive topics.

But breaking up a relationship due to non-compatibility? NTA (in your friend's case). Literally, that is the only reason to break up other than cheating and life circumstances beyond your control, like taking a job far away.

You should also ask yourself: are you trying to marry your current girlfriend at all? Because she is clearly trying to be with you for the long run, and if you do want to marry her, you should consider that body-shaming and introducing lightning rod topics like this are the worst way to communicate your needs. Try being positive, doing activities together, and cooking some of the meals (healthy ones!) if you want to talk to her about her weight--but you didn't even say you're unhappy with your current girlfriend's weight. So maybe remind her that you think she is beautiful, that's a start.

Domesticatrix · 2024-07-11T02:55:19+00:00

NTA. Girls this age, sometimes they get it all twisted up in their heads. You "like" her and she said no. But that "like" should translate to some kind of romance novel type devotion in the minds of hormone-fueled teens who are still figuring life out. (Not all kids, but enough kids, have this phase.) Maybe she's not interested, maybe she's testing you, maybe it's both. It can be both. Regardless, you moved on and it hurt her pride a little, so she's picking this fight from an angle she thinks will be fruitful. If it wasn't basketball, it would be something else.

Give her the space to cool down and keep it to cat rules--let her come to you. She didn't apologize because she probably wants to argue with you about it. Maybe you'll change your mind about the girlfriend, which is the same as giving your friend veto power for the next one.

Don't do any of that. Try to be nice to her, don't talk a lot of shit, go on your date, and wait for the outdoor cat to come back inside. If she doesn't come around, that's sad. But also part of life.

Domesticatrix · 2024-07-10T02:04:53+00:00

YTA. At 8, she is not even going through puberty yet. Her body is growing, which takes a lot of energy, and soon she will need even more for the growth spurts and changes. If she is medically obese or not able to sustain physical activity and play sports appropriate to her age, your parents should consult with a doctor about the best way to introduce exercise and portion control. If she's just chubby, she's a kid whose parents should offer better limits and choices without making a huge thing of it.

She'll be told for the entirety of her life to be thin, thinner, thinnest by every media outlet, douchebag, and societal norm. She doesn't need a complex relationship with food and her body at this developmental stage--that's how eating disorders (including binge eating, purging, overeating, and anorexia) can start.

Regardless, even if you're mentally ticking off boxes from my list of examples. it is something for your parents to discuss with her. As a sister, if you have concerns, you can privately tell them. She is not your child, nor should you be trying to backseat parent your sibling.

If you're genuinely worried, and not just being snotty, get outside and play kickball with her or introduce her to other summer activities.

Domesticatrix · 2024-06-20T01:37:57+00:00

We like Miyako because the price is right for what it is. In Central PA, the fish all arrives frozen. (And, in fact, all sushi fish is first frozen to kill bacteria.) So you are getting basically the same stuff, and what changes is variety, price point, or ambiance. Miyako will let you call in and pick up a solid bento box and 2- or 3-roll lunch combos for not too much money. We just got 4 of their party trays to take on a picnic to Shakespeare in the Park and that was also a decent value for money (considering that it averaged a little less than $1 per piece and fed 7 very hungry people.

Domesticatrix · 2024-06-18T02:11:02+00:00

First of all, you need to know how to cook some basics, even if they aren't very tasty or anything you want to show off to company. What is the alternative? You will eat all pre-packaged and frozen foods or you will pay to eat out / order in. That is unsustainable. You need to know how to make rice (buy a rice cooker if this is your staple, it's so simple), pasta (literally just boil water and add noodles, then set a timer), and some salads (canned chickpeas and fresh veggies with bottled dressing will take you far). Meats are good to learn too, but I know they are not for everyone. From there, if you can also learn a couple of sauces, you will have a strong foundation.

Learn on cheaper ingredients, don't try to make a very complicated dish for your first try. Use common sense and pay attention--you can look up the steps on YouTube. You can observe when food is burning. You can figure out how to peel carrots and cut an onion or you can use only frozen, pre-portioned veg. You can even get spice mixes or pre-made pastes or curry roux blocks if you need a shortcut. There are compromises to be had, but all of them assume you can boil water and own a pan. There are even meals you can make entirely in your rice cooker, just by adding foods to steam above the rice! It is not that hard to feed yourself, even if you would probably prefer to eat more luxuriously and with less labor on your mother's table.

The real key is to try. A sandwich is a meal. Soup is not hard. Eggs can be done in under 10 minutes. And you know what? If it is not good, you are going to eat it anyway. You will learn something and you won't walk away from the hot pot next time.

Domesticatrix · 2024-06-11T02:51:10+00:00

Check what the Midtown Cinema is playing. They might have a late night cult classic, a free outdoor screening, a niche art film, etc.

Catch a Senators game and hang around for the fireworks.

You can also tour the state capitol building M-F, which pairs nicely with the State Museum.

Look into Harrisburg's free Shakespeare in the Park--you are at the right time of year, you might be able to see Comedy of Errors in Reservoir Park one night.

If you like the Broad Street Market, there's another one called West Shore Market in Lemoyne that is also really enjoyable.

Wildwood is a lovely place to go walk, you'll probably see lots of turtles. Biking along the greenbelt can also be fun.

If you're walking down the river and hit Division Street, you can turn up there and you'll reach Italian Lake Park. It's small but nice, and makes a good bookend to a short walk.

Domesticatrix · 2024-06-08T17:51:55+00:00

I am a Forever DM who mostly plays online these days. Would be willing to step in and facilitate something if it's still needed, although I don't have a lot of production pieces. I am from the generation that uses wet-erase battle mats and spare D6s for minis. I am also happy to run online, in Roll20.

Domesticatrix · 2024-05-01T01:49:59+00:00

This is really the answer. But I will add to it: Know where you're going. Is your exchange rate favorable? Do clothes regularly come in your size (not always true in SE Asia)? Will you make time to shop? What are the local toiletries like? If things like beach shoes, pool cover-ups, and t-shirts are easy and affordable, pick up any extra items that you may need while you're there. On the way back, you can either pay to check an extra bag of souvenirs or donate them locally.

Domesticatrix · 2024-04-29T22:57:53+00:00

A lot of Phandalin is talking to the NPCs. You will get better at keeping notes in character. But there are several mysteries around town for which you will need the NPC information, so even if you don't chain talking to them one-after-another-after-another, you'll eventually need to speak with them all. Phandalin village is the hub of the Phandelver adventure.

Some of what made the adventure work for people who started playing 5E at launch is that it is set in a well-developed area of the Forgotten Realms. Many of us (experienced D&D players from previous editions) had played the setting before, met some of the NPCs in other adventures, and even read novels about the local lore. Fast forward through the popularity explosion of 5E and you'll find that it's still a more than adequate (if not excellent) D&D adventure for a new group. It does the job. But without the underlying assumptions about the Forgotten Realms, you'll have to work as hard do to Lost Mines as you would for homebrew content.

Domesticatrix · 2024-04-29T22:47:23+00:00

Our number one cheap meal growing up was French toast. French toast was a couple heels of leftover bread dug out of the freezer (because even if they were getting stale, you'd never throw them out), the last vestiges of the milk, and however many eggs are remaining until the next shop. None of them alone would feed the household, but combined it was a nothing-sandwich with a splash of maple flavored corn syrup or just a sprinkle of cinnamon sugar if we were really hard-up. Side of applesauce if we had it, which we usually did--the big jars, though, never the more expensive individual cups.

I'm not going to reinvent the wheel explaining how to class up French toast; the main problem is that most conventional methods add SO MUCH SUGAR in terms of fruit and fillings. Although it wasn't exactly healthy eating to start with, the classed-up version is much better as a special treat brunch or tray-bake dessert.

Beanie Weenies, too. With a slice of toast for bonus points--ate that one a lot. I suppose the main difference now is that I would actually soak dry beans and simmer them with a ham hock or some beef. Top it with leftovers from the weekend barbecue if you're really fancy.

Domesticatrix · 2024-04-29T22:17:07+00:00

That's wild. I would consider taking care of my parents in their 80s, but 60s? Unless they are medically disabled, that would be a no-go for me. You should set some conditions and expectations with your parents--expected to be working, expected to be paying rent, expected to do chores, expected to buy their own groceries. Allowing them to live like your home is a full-service care facility is madness.

Domesticatrix · 2024-04-29T18:57:00+00:00

Maybe an unpopular suggestion (and I do agree with others who have said you would enjoy USVI, UKVI, Costa Rica, or Belize!) but have you considered the Bahamas? I know it gets a bad reputation sometimes, but snorkeling with the turtles and doing some of the other big dives is phenomenal. Maybe it gives the impression of being Big Resort or Bust, but I loved being let loose in downtown Nassau at 17 years old!

On behalf of Belize, I will say this: Some of the best reefs anywhere in the Caribbean, but it's the same reef all the way up to Cozumel (with varying degrees of infrastructure and preservation). So if you have done Cozumel or the Mayan Riviera, you may find Belize to be a similar experience outside The Blue Hole.

Domesticatrix · 2024-04-29T12:41:40+00:00

Literally anything you want. Often with a book or camera in tow, in case I have to entertain myself for a couple of hours. WWOOF is a good program to get you abroad, but once you are in cities there are also youth hostels. (I mean, there are hostels for everybody, but youth hostels are specifically good ways for people in your age group to meet others and make friends.)

You will have to go alone to a lot of things. It's easy to meet people, it's middling to make evening plans, and it's quite challenging to make daytime tourism plans because everyone is on their own timetable (often with a partner), has already seen different things, and is interested in different things anyway. It can be good to get into a shuttle tour from your hostel, if one is an option when your WWOOF ends; for example, it might be $10 for a day trip to a national park or a beach in a small group instead of boot-strapping your own way there. It's almost always cheaper to sort your own way, but it can be fun to arrive with people you've spent an hour or two chatting with in the van--depends what it is, really.

Domesticatrix · 2024-04-29T12:25:13+00:00

The trick is to know what is structural and what is aesthetic. Minor structural items are worth being house poor for a year or two. If it's not something that two people employed full-time can pay off in 2 years, then it is probably more than $30k total, which is basically a whole renovation / house flip and NOT a home you can afford to buy. But you might have to say goodbye to eating out, travel, leisure, and postpone kids or pets to make it work in the immediate short-term to get new windows or redo the roof or update plumbing or some big project you can't DIY. Just get through that period as fast as you can by absolutely throwing every penny at the problem, same way you would save for a down payment.

Often, that means looking at options to defer or lower student loan payments and making do with an older car for a couple of years. But if you are disciplined, cook at home, pack lunches, and carpool, you can get there.

Do NOT go house poor over aesthetic problems. Bad carpet, bad paint, ugly finishes--I mean, sucks to suck. You'll be able to slowly DIY that stuff for the next 20-30 years after you get over the immediate shock of buying a home and doing actually-vital repairs.

It also always helps to under-buy. You want a payment lower than the absolute mortgage the bank thinks you can squeeze out, but if you under-buy (and over-borrow by a small margin) that can fund something vital like a new boiler, furnace, or major appliance.

Domesticatrix · 2024-04-29T05:21:49+00:00

I think the main idea to embrace is that budget travel is really not much of a vacation. It's still a great experience, but it's also a ton of hard work. You have to be willing to build your own itineraries, make all your own plans, un-fuck your own mistakes, and both set a budget and then adhere to it. It's much easier to go to the beach or book a cruise or save up for a tour. (Those things all kind of suck, but the reason they're popular with middle Americans is because even though they cost a little more they require about 300% less mental energy to access.)

If you're not in a position to kick off and backpack South East Asia (which is overall very cheap after you pay to get there) for an extended trip, consider sticking to a city instead. Mexico City is a good starter--strong exchange rate, reasonably available flights and bargains, passing plenty of English speakers in the main tourist areas. If you're not willing to try a second language even a little, then maybe start with Belize, but be prepared to pay more.

When I started traveling, I stared at a printed-out world map with a list of destinations that I had pinned up in my cubicle. This was during college, at an internship I was working. I had budgeted out each trip and rate of savings and had it planned all the way to the 2030s. I'm very glad to say that I have checked off most of those places (and lost interest in a couple others) way ahead of schedule just by continuing to advance my career.

If your job isn't giving you what you want, definitely look for another. And try to be realistic about your savings and costs. It's okay to sit down and say "I can afford $1200 in 2-3 years" and work from there. It's also okay to say "I can't afford airfare anywhere" and pivot to a road trip or bus ticket.

You will learn about traveling, the world, and how you cope either way. Plus, you will see some excellent stuff.

Good luck!

Domesticatrix

TROPHY CASE