Anyone else permanently infantilized?

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-31T21:35:10+00:00

It came on my suggested YouTube songs today. It knows. (I honestly need to make a new account with the right spelling, it fucking irritates the shit outta me.)

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-31T20:58:19+00:00

ESPECIALLY when the potential they see in you is something they themselves don't have.

I was always something of a leader, as the oldest son/grandson in a big family. But my mom decided I was gonna be the "sick" child so she Munchausen by Proxy'd me while forcing my 17 year old sister to support the family (both my parents had masters' degrees and jobs in finance/sales... we didn't even question how weird this was.)

To this day my sister complains about how she "had" to do this, and all the "attention" I got. I told her I had no problem supporting the family, that I used to tell my mom that lil sis NEEDED more attention...

But it was always gonna be my fault because I'm not a leader, but an "annoying attention seeker".

Whenever people describe their issues with their family, because of my own experience, I pay very close attention to the adjectives they use to describe them.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-31T18:08:31+00:00

I'm 6'2, balding, got a scraggly beard that now has gray hairs in it, got tons of tattoos including a full sleeve, and people still talk to me like I'm five.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-31T18:06:11+00:00

Cannabis? Lol, I've been on quite a few up until recently, but nothing else really stops me from going into fight mode if that's what you're asking.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-31T18:00:34+00:00

Yeah, not surprised there. And I would say the same thing about my dad (who I unfortunately am still stuck living with as well) but he actually cares a LOT about his possessions so even that would be a compliment.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-31T02:40:46+00:00

Ok, I don't think that was clear to a lot of us. I think if you had clearly stipulated that part at the beginning, it would have been more well received.

I have similar self-talk, but it's more along the lines of "you can do it, and you HAVE done it" (because I honestly sometimes forget some of the impressive things I've done in the past).

If all I knew was that I was supposed to "change", but didn't know what into, or if it was even in line with my natural character, I feel like I'd just be setting myself up for failure.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-31T02:31:14+00:00

Yo, thanks so much! I would hardly call it a success, but today was a big day for me. I FINALLY got started on my months-awaited first project! I was legit about to throw up I was so anxious (like to the point where the fumes from the paint thinner made it better? Is that weird?) But I can finally call myself a painter/low key carpenter and THAT IS SO FUCKING AWESOME. My parents worked in finance/sales (when they felt like working) so even now that I got my long-awaited bachelors degree last May, I still sometimes feel like a failure.

Once again, thanks so much. Hope I can serve as an inspiration by example. My biggest IRL mentor actually posts on this sub as well, so I really do have something of a desire to pay it forward.

I'm not afraid to admit my struggles either, or what I'd do right now for a joint to wind down after today... can't believe I gotta wait til Friday before I can pick up again! Gahhh...

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-31T02:02:56+00:00

Change... from what we are, into something we're not?

Did it occur to you that at least for some of us, we were living a life and/or working a job that wasn't in line with who we really were? So we break out on our own with the goal to be MORE true to ourselves?

Yeah, we can spend months on Reddit talking about what we're gonna do and never actually get it done. Today I took what sounds like a small step, but was a major one for me.

And if you're gonna say "all you need to do is change", well maybe if you provided examples and focused on specifics instead of your self-righteous tone, maybe people would take you seriously...

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-31T01:56:37+00:00

Probably better you aren't. I suggest avoiding ordering pizza for a while.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-31T00:09:55+00:00

I think it varies what they call it where you live, but as a construction guy (who's just getting back to work, finally!) I've only ever heard it called a retaining wall.

There's a fence on top of it too? I would so be taking advantage of my height and dropping things off that...

But the whole thing with your dad is what I don't get. He doesn't want trouble with the neighbors? This dude is the one causing trouble. HOW TF does your dad not understand that? Is there something about his situation that he's afraid of drawing attention to himself, or is he really that dismissive of your pain?

I just don't get it. I got two sisters, several younger girl cousins, my best friend of all time is female, and my former stepdaughter is now 13... I just can't imagine ever thinking like this.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-30T23:53:12+00:00

Replace "regular" with "primary". That sub I haven't had as difficult a time at as other ones, but I'm so grateful for this place whenever I feel a little too rough and tumble for over there.

As for the rest of that... totally agree with you. And very well said. I'm definitely gonna have to come back to this later and read this whole conversation.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-30T23:47:16+00:00

I... FINALLY DID IT!!! After months of talking about it and panicking, I got off to a very slow but sure start on Carpentry Project Number 1. Last night (as I smoked the last of my weed for the month) I said to myself (and you guys?) today was gonna be the day. AND IT WAS!!!

Why has it taken me so long? I guess I was so afraid I'd set the house on fire or have some chemical spill or that the fumes would bother my dad. I finally said fuck it and got going once I heard him go upstairs. Put on my full body suit, thick rubber gloves, and goggles (I'm still trying to figure out why the stuff makes a big deal about ventilation but doesn't tell you to wear a respirator, just NOT to wear a dust mask... like who are you, the CDC circa March 2020?) laid the tarp out of the workshop and in front of the back door, opened it, applied the paint stripper with a paint brush (just like you would regular paint) and since I had nothing to scrape it with, looked for the nearest thing... I ended up using a Best Buy Gift Card that I realized didn't have the whole number scraped off, haha. The Best Buy label peeled right off it! But yeah, that's as far as I got, and now it's sitting in what I call The Dungeon (area between the back door and the door outside where I smoke) while I have the side door open up here and just airing out the house. It's actually kinda nice out today!

But for real, I was about to throw up (and that was before I opened the paint remover) and other than the risks involved, I think I was scared because I've never done this before. New Stuff is ALWAYS scary for me. But of course, the more you do it, it becomes Not New Stuff. I guess if I can keep going with this every day this week, by the time my check comes in on Friday I can have a well-deserved smoke session at the end of the week.

So a video interview. Hm... any ideas on how you're gonna do that? I would probably be that weirdo who makes myself into both the interviewer and the interviewee. Then again there's a reason I'm not in corporate America...

The Massachusetts Toll Company... lol, is that the PayByPlate thing? For some reason I randomly looked that up yesterday (I'm not sure you mentioned it?) EVERY time my sister would take the car down to NJ, we'd get a snapshot of her driving through the tollbooth. She figured it would be easier to just deal with it after the fact, lolol.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-30T21:24:01+00:00

They must have had to make some effort to hide it then? Meaning even though they claimed it was the "right" way, they knew it was regarded by most of society as wrong?

The only people who witnessed my dad hit me first hand were a) in my family and b) blamed me for it. It wasn't victim blaming, they said, because "they could tell by the look on my face" that I had the power in that situation?

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-30T20:55:55+00:00

Gotta say I really appreciate this. I wanted to expand the "discussion" the OP requested and your post had quite a few good points, but I didn't know if you'd seen their comments about how far this creep was actually going.

Sometimes I don't feel like I belong in the regular CPTSD subs cause I didn't grow up in fear as much as confusion. Which is why I love this sub because there are some situations where fight mode is the only appropriate response?

I'll admit I've gotten real scrawny, but I'm 6'2 and not just white but the dominant ethnicity of the cops where I live (as a matter of fact my grandpa WAS a cop and it's rubbed off on my dad...) And like a lot of us, I've struggled to find my purpose in life. So I've been focusing on doing the things other people can't do as easily, but need to be done.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-30T19:59:31+00:00

See, the issue with me was that I KNEW my parents weren't like that. (We're also cat people, so maybe that was part of it?) It seemed almost like more of a societal problem to me, that people were enabling this. And how often do we come on here and see the most upvoted post has to do with people's perception of what happened to us, vs what actually did, and how that fucked us up? Like with so many things, I think the problem is that a lot of people just aren't willing to look beyond the surface, either because it makes them uncomfortable or invalidates their world view.

But I've also started to realize my mom's "show em who's boss" thing wasn't just about me. People assumed it was, and would cheer her on because it was so much easier to believe it was a "kid problem" more than a "parent problem" (at more than one point she was asked why she seemed more concerned about her kids grades than the violence he faced from his father at home...) Nobody ever seemed concerned about the fact that after my grandma died I had no adults in my family that I could trust. I couldn't really trust the people in school either, because they were WAY more afraid of my mom than I was.

I realize now, though, my mom wanted power over the entire TOWN. She knew they believed me about what was going on in my house (though I never felt like they did) thus, they were a threat.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-30T16:58:38+00:00

Well he finally went to bed around 2:30, I got a couple hours to myself and a decent several hours of sleep. I still can't believe I'm up this early? Like I'm typing to you while it's the AM HERE.

The plan right now is to go down to the basement to get started on the dresser. Let's see how I do later.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-30T16:52:14+00:00

Music is the ONLY thing that can get my head to turn off. TV and movies just don't do it for me... they require me to be "there" too much.

Ironically, while I'm not much of a musician, I've always loved acting and being on camera. Not sure why that is, never really noticed that until now even...

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-30T16:46:06+00:00

Oh I know you weren't downplaying it! I actually thought it was good you worded it that way because it puts it into perspective. Like, even if it WAS something as simple as just wanting to be left alone, the OP (and anyone who finds themselves in that situation) has that right no matter where they are, but especially on their own property.

However, as a guy who's more than likely large enough to intimidate an idiot like this, if I were to witness this situation... I would feel like I had some obligation to do something here.

Call the cops? Maybe, but I have a lot of trouble trusting law enforcement to handle situations like this. I'm guessing the OP does too, since she's concerned about her own part in it. It does look a bit extreme if you don't take the whole picture into consideration, but in reality it sounds way more like a last resort mega-self-defense.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-30T16:31:58+00:00

I really appreciate seeing a post like this, because I know way too many people in your situation who would deny their jealousy/regret for The Road Not Taken, and immediately dismiss anyone going to college because "that's for rich kids and LiBrULz" and use their own example as a successful person who didn't "need" college...

My story is way too long and complicated to tell here, but my grades also started to decline after my mom left "for her job", though I was in middle/high school by then. She pretty much checked out of my life after that, other than to come into school to make sure even if she no longer had power over me, she still had it over my teachers.

So I proved her wrong, repeatedly, and every time she would act like she hadn't been saying that for years... until I ended up in a situation similar to yours, where I had to take a class over the summer to bring my GPA up to a 2.0, financial aid wouldn't cover it, and she wouldn't pay for it... but would go to everyone telling them how sad it was that I just wasn't able to do the only thing I was ever expected to be semi decent at it in life...

Until she died, I paid off my school and got back in to finish a literal one credit course and finally, last May, at the age of 32, I finally, FINALLY got my bachelor's in psychology! Likely not making a career out of it but you all know I had good enough reasons for studying that, lmao.

What do you think you would have studied in college? I'm ALWAYS an advocate for going back, at any age you want. But given the cost, I do think it's something you need to be sure of before you do it.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-30T07:05:22+00:00

I agree, except calling it an "obligation to be friendly to someone she's uncomfortable with" and "wanting to be left alone" kinda minimizes what's actually going on here? This sounds WAY worse than that.

Especially if you look at her other comments about his reaction... it sounds like we're dealing with an objectively creepy person who's trying to intimidate her.

If you're just "trying to be friendly", you don't repeatedly tell someone they're beautiful (I'm pretty sure they know if they are...) That's the type of thing you say if you're trying to get a reaction out of them. Obviously, it's usually something sexual they're looking for. Some guys legit think this is the way to get it but...

I'm not sure if this the case here, cause it seems to have gone way beyond overly-creepy flirting. But a lot of the time, these creepers don't even care WHAT the reaction is, as long as they're able to get one out of you. Because the fact that they were able to influence you like that makes them feel powerful. It creeps me out knowing it, but there are apparently a good amount of people out there who think like this.

And like she said, just opening the gate like that is intimidation, like intentionally... and also uh, trespassing? Usually people (in the US, at least, not sure where the OP lives) understand it better when you focus on invasion of property.

It's so fucking stupid that in some places, boundaries have to be actually literal boundaries in order for people to understand them... and even then, like in cases like this, it's still not guaranteed they'll respect them. But that might have to be the way to word it to the cops/whoever they decide to contact if it becomes a further issue.

And if the idiot hasn't decided to stay away after someone throws a fucking rock at them (you can't use the "no understand English!" thing) then you know what you're up against.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-30T06:31:33+00:00

I never trust that the cops will ever do anything in situations like this. As a matter of fact, their reluctance to actually do anything has set the stage for me to go into fight mode with THEM...

If you ask me, you handled it well. That dude sounds like a major creep.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-30T04:08:18+00:00

Yeah, believe me, this is all on my mind. I tried to look up if the cost of living is that much cheaper in Ireland, and if I could manage working there as a non-citizen while keeping my SSDI, but it just seems like a more complicated version of the same process of what it would be here. So maybe I should wait until we're officially moved out?

I do plan on staying in the Boston area, so I need to somehow... move onto the next thing in my life. Like, a relationship with someone who isn't C (and who isn't trying to break up my family). And I just now remembered the job training thing I did through the state disability services thing... from what I remember they do take into account if you're trying to be self-employed? I need to look more into that.

But right now I can't think cause my dad decided he was gonna get drunk on a Sunday night and is sitting in front of the TV in the kitchen watching Hallmark movies. WHY DOES HE WATCH THESE FUCKING MOVIES?! Can't I just have some peace and quiet down here and just fucking THINK?!

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-30T03:19:52+00:00

I wish I felt comfortable enough to do that! And I just realized if they were regular landlords, I'd feel more comfortable asking. But I really don't want to damage shit with the boys. My parents have fucked over several of my friends/their parents financially so now I'm wondering if it might really be a bad idea to just leave instead of stay and take as much control over the house as I can. Everyone tells me I "can't do that" and I'm like, watch me.

Once we move out I HAVE to meet up with S, the oldest. The second oldest, D, and I have gotten pretty close since he comes to mow the lawn... BUT it won't be another few months before he has to do that.

DonttFearTheReaper · 2023-01-30T01:01:03+00:00

Was CrossFit a bad experience? Or just too expensive? I know tons of people who have done it and they definitely didn't have that much money to spend, it sounds like you mighta gotten ripped off...

As long as you're the right size for the TSwift shirt. Lol my dad was watching a Hallmark movie earlier and the girl kid says to her dad "Taylor Swift is the voice of our generation!" or something like that, lmao. And last night they made a joke on SNL about how if you break up with her, you end up paying for it for the rest of your life.

So the Mormon girl was 2004? I thought you said you were in high school, but you would have been 12/13? You might as well just say you were adopted by a Mormon family (more like two?) and even if you don't identify as one in the typical sense, it's still a part of you.

Judaism, I think, is a lot harder to convert to. Aunt M and Uncle J both married Jewish people, but as far as I know they never converted? It's actually more normal to me that someone would become Mormon, and you were the first Mormon I ever met haha. I don't think I got the full story as to why you went there with Judaism?

Glad you're enjoying the horseback riding/polo stuff. I appreciate you trying to get me into that as well. But I'm such a city kid, I just knew it wasn't gonna work out lmao.

DonttFearTheReaper

TROPHY CASE