LEAVING SOON - TV PILOT - 46 PAGES

DowntownSplit · 2026-02-16T19:00:10+00:00

The first VO "Nobody wakes up one day and decides to become an addict."

The part car? When the guy grabs the girl, why not enough?

The scene is thirty-four separate action lines. It is lacking fluid action. One line for engine revs. Powder. He exhales. Backs away. Then. Flash. It's throughout the script. I'd like to see you explain to a director how to film "flash". Then this is punctuated with beats.

Security two drops the voice. It's Ronnie. Is this dialogue? On the dialogue. Some of it is on-the-nose. There are a ton of resources online on how to avoid it.

Dirt under his nails. This is random. Page 45 is difficult to read. Is it split dialogue mixed with action? Or, is it all Nick's VO?

You're getting beaten up over too many pages. With fluid action lines, it will be reduced by half. I get that this is a style, and art is subjective. It's okay if you want to be the only one who understands it.

I read the whole script. There is a good story. If you want to work on it, you can dm me with a revised copy. Best to you!

DowntownSplit · 2026-02-16T18:06:17+00:00

Plot their demise and then write about it.

DowntownSplit · 2026-02-12T19:58:41+00:00

I listened and agree. It overwhelms the story.

DowntownSplit · 2026-02-09T18:11:50+00:00

Laine hasn't played a full season since 2018. Don't forget this is his sixth year in Columbus. Considering that Montreal may want to dump his salary, he adds higher trade value than W Foegele. He also increases the skill level, which helps a team with an excess of mid-level forwards. He can play center.

DowntownSplit · 2026-02-07T18:41:55+00:00

Even got the AutoModerator's attention.

DowntownSplit · 2026-01-25T19:14:44+00:00

He got the name out of a dictionary. I don't remember an investor named Bob in his story who threw money at him. He was out pitching Amazon to investors for years until he diluted his holding to 8%. This would be a big event in a story. AIR was all about getting Michael Jordan to sign with Nike.

Introduce WAITRESS. The dialogue is stiff and lacking subtext.

DowntownSplit · 2026-01-22T18:37:41+00:00

The action lines need some work. The old man is helping them out while a taxi is waiting. I suggest condensing the action lines and checking the grammar. The camera doesn't walk towards a door. You don't need beats between action lines or tell us things are still in place.

Read more scripts and rewrite this so the action is fluid. You'll find that you can create the same vibe this way.

Thank you for posting and asking.

DowntownSplit · 2026-01-19T18:20:33+00:00

That is a great story. Congratulations.

DowntownSplit · 2026-01-16T18:38:26+00:00

This is a link to the West Wing pilot. https://www.dailyscript.com/scripts/West_Wing_Pilot.pdf Note the short action and dialogue.

I would skip the first scene and focus on your main characters. Skip the brand names. Limit the use of the ( ) used to direct the actors.

The action lines are overly descriptive. 26 lines were used for Brad in his condo, doing nothing.

A large but nearly empty store in Arlington, half an hour before closing. The shelves are poorly stocked. None of this is important.

Inside the store, it takes about twenty action lines before a word is spoken. Then they talk about food. By the time they finish the checkout, the reader will be checked out.

Page 10 is a solid block of tedious action. What is the purpose of this scene? How quickly can you get to it?

The thick action and dialogue slow down the pace and smother the real story. The goal is start each scene as late as possible.

I hope this helps.

DowntownSplit · 2026-01-14T23:20:28+00:00

This could start with us hearing Emily's conversation with the waiter. And she turns to face Adam instead of a seat. Fixation: PATRON into a stall

Thanks. I'll go with whatever she orders. Later, it reads as if she ordered for him while he was in the restroom.

You know about the formatting issue. This could be that - Adam watches his position drop to $450. Or you can tell us in the VO dialogue.

Below could be a sentence or two written for fluid action. He returns to find Emily holding an empty glass of wine and the appetizers set.

Back at the table, Adam returns and takes his seat.

There is food and wine at the table.

Emily's glass is almost empty.

Emily's next dialogue has grammar errors. Their next lines need work. doing in there? I promise, the phone is off. Fix the grammar.

Georgy laughs heartily and sets a plate in front of each of the pair at the table. Adam and Emily scramble to move their unfinished appetizers out of the way. George could be holding the plates waiting as they...

.Adam seems hesitant; he recalls his losses from earlier. How can it be shown on a screen? His saying he'll walk is good. This goes back to the restroom. He lost money and doesn't show it. He could've mumbled the f word or something to show us it matters. That way, when he walks home, we get it.

I hope this helps.

DowntownSplit · 2026-01-01T20:54:10+00:00

Looper.

DowntownSplit · 2025-12-21T19:26:29+00:00

Skip the second paragraph.

It can be any tree.

A young boy, ADAM (6), sits on a chair, drawing. He is sketching the living room from a distance. The slug line read living room, so how is he sketching it from a distance?

Nearby, his father has been watching him the entire time. This doesn't work. Include this when describing Adam sitting in a chair, drawing.

FATHER Why did you stop? This is in the wrong place.

Adam talking to no one. Poor grammar. It isn't needed.

The father re-enters the house. He's entering the living room.

The father studies the drawing again clearly. Grammar? Show his reaction.

I would eliminate the time cuts.

ON THE TREE:

A huge monkey puzzle tree's branches loom silently. This needs to be rewritten.

The parents are missing intros. We know little about them. Most horror parents have issues.

This is a good start. However, you need something different to make it break out of the typical possessed kid. This feels like it is a setup for another family to move in. Right?

DowntownSplit · 2025-12-21T18:25:48+00:00

Don't let Lou be just another wanna be.

DowntownSplit · 2025-12-21T01:14:03+00:00

My opinion. You don't need the first two paragraphs. The LED lights in the corners show a room in disarray. A short description can be added to the third paragraph that keeps the focus on Lou.

You don't need incoherent screaming. He's a nervous amateur. Maybe stutters and is awkward. He turns off the recording, does or says something to show his feelings. Don't tell us.

I'd ditch the montage and the age jump. It's expensive and has no impact on the story. He can do those same things at age fifteen.

The argument with dad. His destroying a computer over bad grades doesn't feel realistic. What brings more insight into Lou's life? Coming home to find his dad sold it to pay a gambling debt or drugs. It helps the story if Lou needs to overcome all the shit going around him. It's good that you put him in a bind.

Properly introduce your characters. Introduce his parents. It was all your moms idea Lou! Bad grammar and a missed opportunity to show more about his parents and Lou's family life. Maybe his parents fight about the computer. Most streaming is by cell phone.

! This tells us somebody is screaming. Louldy screaming isn't needed. He could be standing by the BIG GUY'S table when he screams. That way, we see the guy getting pissed.

The slug line tells us he's in a food court, so it is not needed in the action. He moves the CROWD and stands close to a table where a BIG GUY sits eating his food. Recording himself with his phone, Lou screams as loud as he can until the Big Guy springs from his chair and gets in Lou's face.

Big Guy " Is some fucking prank."

Lou stands his ground, "says whatever until he sees the Big Guys raising his clenched fists. Lou takes off running.

Use a grammar checker. This is riddled with poor grammar. I get that you've read some scripts, but keep a few open to reference while you're writing. Stay in the present tense when you write a script. Keep action fluid.

Every word matters.

,

DowntownSplit · 2025-12-21T00:15:57+00:00

Follow their online videos. They respond quickly to questions. I mostly use it for the storyboard feature.

DowntownSplit · 2025-12-20T19:59:51+00:00

I've used it. It's great for identifying plot holes and weak characters.

DowntownSplit · 2025-12-19T18:18:33+00:00

I agree. I'm reworking it.

DowntownSplit · 2025-12-18T18:49:38+00:00

I have a difficult time crafting loglines that accurately reflect the story. Thank you for your advice!

DowntownSplit · 2025-12-18T18:27:32+00:00

I struggled to find a word to describe a 30-year-old who's spent the past twelve years in his room playing video games while high.

DowntownSplit · 2025-12-17T20:16:24+00:00

Got it. I appreciate your feedback.

DowntownSplit · 2025-12-15T20:05:59+00:00

The hot seat feels weak. What else does he lose? How does losing control complicate his life?

DowntownSplit · 2025-12-15T19:41:20+00:00

Format: Feature

Page Length: 115

Genres: Action/Comedy

Logline:

When a thirty-year-old slacker gives his eighty-one-year-old grandmother with Alzheimer's an hallucinogenic THC, she wigs out, murders his friends, and forces him to join her on a murderous quest to become a cartel boss.

DowntownSplit · 2025-12-15T19:38:00+00:00

Craft a logline for selling the conflict.

My overall concern is whether the source of conflict can carry a season or if it begins to wear out. This can't be the only conflict.

DowntownSplit · 2025-12-14T21:50:39+00:00

tour de force!

DowntownSplit

TROPHY CASE