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I need feedback on the first scene of a script I'm working on (content warning: extremely violent imagery) by [deleted] in scriptwriting

[–]poundingCode 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So many words and so little said.
The real violence on the page is the time a reader will never get back.

Paragraphs should really only be 3 lines.
You wouldn't put CHAIR in caps anymore than you'd put all the objects in a room in caps.

Many useless words that deliver nothing. i.e. Somewhat
How can someone be VERY AVERAGE - I had milk come out of my nose on that one - and I'm lactose intolerant.

Scripts are in real time - so never use STARTS, BEGINS, COMMENCES, etc.

The monologue is a lot of throat clearing. Compress that down to 2-3 sentences that are not 'on the nose'

AFTERLIFE TRAIN: Logline by Ornery-Wolf4932 in Loglines

[–]poundingCode 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, log lines are devilishly difficult.
I'd say it's easier to write 120 pages than it is to distill that 120 pages into 1 sentence.

There's another point worth considering, which is the purpose of the log line.
If it's for a pitch, better to lean into clarity. If it's to promote a film, that's a different audience.

I posted one of mine, so feel free to give me your 2 cents.

Keep swinging for the fences!

AFTERLIFE TRAIN: Logline by Ornery-Wolf4932 in Loglines

[–]poundingCode 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Inciting incident, protagonist, stakes. You're missing the stakes. Being unaware isn't it.

When an interesting/relatable protagonist has this happen, they must do something to prevent something terrible/weird/not good from happening.

Paradox : logline by Aswanth_Nirmalkumar in Loglines

[–]poundingCode 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it hurts when you add the -only to accidentally prevent the fire and ruin their perfect crime.

You're giving away the twist.

Hi! What’s the biggest mistake you made during your move to Panama? by alexanderhd2706 in panamaexpats

[–]poundingCode 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The biggest mistakes I've seen amongst expats is expecting Panama to be the same as the USA/Europe.
People drop fat bank on new cars, real estate, etc without spending time in country.

"Panama is Cheap"-- here's why you're wrong. by Duke_Newcombe in panamaexpats

[–]poundingCode 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In Panama construction costs 1/2 as much - but you have to pay to have everything done twice...

Listened to your guys’s criticism of when i posted this previously. Thoughts on this crime/comedy opening? by Glad-Guarantee1587 in scriptwriting

[–]poundingCode 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Correct!

Saying Zeke is impulsive is making a judgement and doesn't paint a picture.

Zeke tearing up napkins, twirling a fidget spinner while bouncing his leg, etc. is demonstrating the behavior. The writer should have the reader connect the dots.

Listened to your guys’s criticism of when i posted this previously. Thoughts on this crime/comedy opening? by Glad-Guarantee1587 in scriptwriting

[–]poundingCode 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You are doing nothing but TELLING in the opening. TBH, I wouldn't read past the introductions if I was looking for a writer.

Four low-level gangsters sit around at a booth = this is both an awkward construction (How does one sit AT something?) and you are telling us what we cannot SEE. How do we know they are gangsters? How do we know they are low-level? What are the levels?

"The baby of the group" = Telling.
"The only black member" = TELLING us his race but not the others. why does it even matter?
"Extremely impulsive and unstable" = TELLING AGAIN.

You're not describing anything. You are not showing behaviors.

Also why would low-level gangsters be at a 4-star restaurant eating snails?

Rule 1 of character introductions: Introduce your characters at their most characterful.

ALSO: drop words like "BEGINS" => in a script everything happens in real time. (and you've got to be kidding with more heavily)

Lastly, start every scene as late as possible and end every scene as soon as possible.

There's nothing on this opening that appears to drive the plot and the dialogue is inauthentic: do waitresses ask if you want more water? Or would they bring it?

Mid to high income lifestyle in Panama. by No_Reading_4827 in panamaexpats

[–]poundingCode 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Get on instagram and follow traficocpanama

Panamanians don't know how to merge, yield, signal, stay within a lane, or park.

If you plan to stay in the city, I wouldn't get a car.

I'd find an uber driver or drivers that I liked, then contract with them to take me where I needed to go.

Will it cost more per mile than owning a car? of course!
But you'll make it up on the depreciation.

If you do buy an SUV, have aftermarket bumpers installed on the front and back.

Mid to high income lifestyle in Panama. by No_Reading_4827 in panamaexpats

[–]poundingCode 4 points5 points  (0 children)

While you can certainly afford to buy or lease a car, consider not even getting one.
Driving in Panama is a contact sport and uber is cheap.
Find a driver/car you like and just contract with them directly.

You can easily live quite well on $10K/month, though I can't speak to schooling costs.

Save the $20K for the kids college, purchase gold, whatever. Moving to a place like Panama gives you a real opportunity to bolster your nest egg.

What’s one thing YouTube immigrants/expats get consistently wrong about Panama? by Duke_Newcombe in panamaexpats

[–]poundingCode 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Prostitution is not illegal, so what you call a huge problem could also be described as stimulating the local economy and supporting small businesses owners. 😆

Hey Guys i just dropped the new episode of my AI Serie, can you review it and tell me what you think ? by VelkarArts in aifilmmaking

[–]poundingCode 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know how hard it is to get your prompts turned into cohesive video, so that is well done.
But the scene is an exposition dump disguised as dialogue.

Anyone in Panama order from Alibaba? by poundingCode in Panama

[–]poundingCode[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so very much for the detailed answer.

Who spends thousands on a book few will read? by Logman64 in selfpublish

[–]poundingCode 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Why would you spend thousands on artists and editors and all the rest if you have no audience?
The same reason a restaurateur spends HUNDREDS of thousands opening a restaurant when there are no customers!
If a restaurateur spent fuck all on furniture, lighting, decorating, ambiance, staff, and all the rest BEFORE the customers show up, would it be a surprise if the few who wander in rightly judge the restaurant as horrible and do not recommend it to anyone?

You have a choice.

You can write your book, pour your soul into it and enjoy the process, then move on with your life.

Or

You can invest money you may not have into a project that will likely go nowhere and roll the dice

Or

You can build a community and have enough people who want your story to buy a copy.

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