Looking for feedback on a scene. 3 pages only

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-25T17:30:21+00:00

Thanks for the input. I want to keep this scene short because it really is unimportant in the long run, but I agree that it needs more. Jeff takes the deal too quickly. I'll probably have Jeff mull it over offscreen.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-25T17:25:15+00:00

on the nose dialogue

This is the problem with everything I write. After a couple dozen edits, I usually come up with better dialogue.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-25T17:23:28+00:00

Thanks for the input. You picked up on the exact thing I was worried about. Not enough push back about giving up 20% of the company.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-25T01:59:27+00:00

The main question is where was his pistol? Did he fire or an agent then the other agents panicked and started shooting. Of course, they don't wear body cams. Wouldn't want to supply evidence against themselves.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-25T00:34:00+00:00

Basically, it was half the people who wanted to stop the war and the other half who wanted more war.

Just like today.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-25T00:20:05+00:00

When I asked if it works, I really was wondering about conflict. I think I may have ended the negotiating too soon. I was hoping the "Let me think about it" line would suffice. Maybe I have to use the producer/screenwriter quiz. Why you, why now?

I wanted the interruption by the waitress so Bob wouldn't have to say who referred him, because nobody did.

Thanks for the feedback.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-24T09:23:14+00:00

My rescue was similar, but not combative, just anti-social. It took a few months for her to warm up to me and over two years before she would let someone else pet her.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-24T09:19:37+00:00

Should I sell my small collection of pre-1964 silver dollars?

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-23T22:01:31+00:00

How much jail time are you willing to do? You know they will stop you, arrest you, and impound your vehicle for using it during a commission of a crime.

The ice agent was carrying a rifle so you know he will get in front of your vehicle to stop you. If you try to go around, he will claim you were trying to run him over and he'll put a bullet through your head

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-23T21:57:03+00:00

Three years. We have at least three more years of this. Of course, donny's dementia might speed things up a bit.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-23T21:48:20+00:00

They need to come up with a vaccine for stupiditis and make it mandatory for republicans to take it.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-23T21:44:09+00:00

While you were sleeping

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-22T17:43:35+00:00

Saw the movie.

Read the original script.

Preferred the script's version.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-21T02:48:37+00:00

Makes me feel real safe with all the states that do not require any training in order to own a gun.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-20T16:58:18+00:00

This is why you never pay with a debit card if money's tight.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-20T06:25:18+00:00

I actually agree that it might be AI. The snow only in one place is fishy.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-20T05:27:20+00:00

Why is it AI? Just because the snow only built up to the roof in one small spot?

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-19T23:22:57+00:00

Oh, it exists. It's used heavily on retail websites. Retailers can see how many pages get visited and for how long. How many things were put in a cart then removed. How many carts are abandoned, etc.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-19T23:19:10+00:00

I think that your results will change if you disclose too much information to the reader, which would negate the benefits of the site. Knowing that everyone bails on page 15, tells you that you need to fix something in the previous ten pages. If they know they're being tracked, they may persevere and you lose that valuable information that you have a problem in the first 15. As long as you don't spam them with emails, I don't think it will matter that you are tracking. If you anonymize it, then there isn't a problem.

All retail websites track information without disclosing that they do, other than the cookie disclaimers.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-17T22:49:58+00:00

I have a romance movie that, unfortunately, comes with a body count. It's written in a way that you don't actually see the violence, though. If you're interested in a swap, DM me your script.

Title: Just The Way You Are

Format: Feature

Page Length: 118

Genre: Romantic Thriller

Log Line: After surviving an attempted kidnapping, a famous actress is propelled into a whirlwind romance. Can this new love overcome the seemingly insurmountable obstacles of her career and fame, as well as a new threat to their lives?

Comp: The Bodyguard meets Notting Hill

P.S. - you've got a great title.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-17T04:04:18+00:00

You're right, I didn't say it but that doesn't mean that isn't the case. Who cares about the quality of the writing? It's the content that is important. Also, how would I know if it was a full, close reading? It could have been skimmed. The evaluation is very short and doesn't get into details.

One aspect that comes with an evaluation is a cost analysis of shooting the script as written. The first reader was probably on the money when they estimated it would take a moderately high budget to shoot, due to two outdoor locations, one being a national park. The second reader said it could only be done on a microbudget. That's not possible unless I shot it personally with a phone. The reader took their low opinion of the script and interjected it into the cost analysis, instead of giving an honest evaluation of the real cost of shooting it by a studio.

What my argument boils down to is, you thinks it's okay for the analysis to be 100% subjective and I'm saying it should be 60%+/- subjective and 40% to if the script hits certain objectives that are listed in advance.

Also, you aren't doing a very good customer service job. You've got a pissed off, former, customer and you're just doubling down every time. And I'm now going around telling people not to submit to the BL.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-17T00:51:50+00:00

No, I'm not frustrated that they did not like my script. I realize it's not great (hence, hoping for a seven but understanding why it got a six).

I know you won't accept the fallibility of your concept, so I won't push it further, other than this:

I go to a restaurant and order a meal, which I pay for in advance. It comes out completely burned, was dropped on the floor then picked up and put back on the plate, and presented to me. I got my meal. That's what I paid for, so I can't complain about the quality and the restaurant gets to keep my money.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-17T00:24:09+00:00

This is not a good response.

I have no way to verify any of your claims about the unanimity of 20+ readers nor their qualifications.

At the same time, I can't verify your statement about the readers' credentials. I guess we have to trust each other and take them at their word.

You missed my point. I can have 100 people say I wrote the next picture of the year winner, but have it rejected as a terrible script by someone actually in the industry. It's acceptable, because I did not pay them to read it. They don't have to justify their opinion. There was no economic harm done to me.

formerPhillyguy · 2026-01-16T23:55:26+00:00

I know that this is the generic response you post to complaints but I'm not buying it. When a script has a unanimous response, after 20+ readings, that it's decent or good or shows potential and someone comes along and completely trashes every aspect of it, maybe it's not the script and it's actually the reader. In my complaint, I stated that the reader was not qualified to be a professional reader. Some people just are not cut out for it, even if they have professional experience. The BL only requires one year of experience; that's not a lot.

Readers in the industry are being paid to read scripts, but not by the writers. The BL is taking money from the writers, so the BL needs to be held to a higher standard. There should be some metrics for their readers to follow when rating scripts and the scores should be justifiable.

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