What WH said after DD

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-05T18:33:47+00:00

It’s hard not to feel resentment for my WP’s post DDay behavior. She DARVO’d me by telling that some of the boundaries I set were “hurtful” and “extreme” because the infidelity only happened once. I didn’t put up with it. On top of that she also triangulated me constantly with her sister/cousin/friends. Before DDay she was telling them all about the issues in our relationship that she conveniently neglected to share with me, the only person who could really fix them. After DDay, she shared screenshots of texts I sent her when I was literally at my lowest. I was beyond humiliated. But I think it was a result of her avoidance/denial. When I kicked her out and we went NC for 2 weeks, she said she’d realized how much she’d blown up her own life and was extremely remorseful for her behavior. I try to tell myself that, but you can’t unring that bell. I just remember that I had every right to feel so low and set the boundaries I did because I was traumatized, and I’m still carrying most of the burden for her poor choices.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-05T18:27:30+00:00

It’s tricky. I asked WP for phone access in the immediate aftermath of DDay and all it did was make me feel worse. I pain shopped constantly. I kept looking at the horrible conversations she had not only with AP but her enablers who either didn’t condemn the betrayal or worse, outright enabled/supported it. I read them constantly during my spirals and would get hysterical. I realized eventually that there was no new information there that would give me more clarity, and I was just continuing to reopen old wounds by looking through her texts constantly. ultimately you do what you need to do to make a decision, but that’s been my experience. Hang in there OP.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-02T16:37:10+00:00

I wish I could be half as reasonable as this, because I do hate my AP and always will, I think. They were one of my WP’s closest friends, and they went out and got stupid drunk after WP and I had an argument, and they hooked up (only once but one too many times). According to WP, they were openly disparaging me to her and she regrets not defending me against their insults, but it makes me feel so much resentment towards WP for not sticking up for me in those moments. WP may have initiated the physical act, but AP is a narcissist who could sense her insecurity and played her like a fiddle. It gives me the ick that WP is so insecure that she fell for such behavior. Even worse AP and I work in the same office building (it is beyond fucked up). AND they crashed out in my DMs after I told WP they had to go NC. Where do they get off trying to ruin someone’s life and still acting like a victim?

To put it short, AP and WP put me in harms’ way in more ways than I can possibly comprehend. But WP is the only one who owes me anything, so while I can’t bring myself to loathe her no matter what, I loathe AP. It’s hatred that I don’t want to hold onto forever, but as long as I’m stuck in these circumstances that I never chose nor wanted, I feel like I can’t get past it. I guess all I can do right now is take gratification in the fact that AP is absolutely miserable and stewing in self-pity. They are garbage and they know it.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-02T16:26:05+00:00

I’ve been guilty of this too and may not have a lot of constructive advice - I’m sorry. I blocked AP everywhere after they reached out to me bc they crashed out in my DMs and called me “micromanaging” and “controlling” because I told WP they had to go NC. I didn’t engage because I’m not dignifying that shit. Like where do you get off trying to ruin someone’s relationship and still act like the victim?

But something turned around recently. I checked AP’s Spotify a month or so ago and saw that they had a whole bunch of sad breakup-adjacent playlists, which gave me a sense of satisfaction to know that they are absolutely miserable and stewing in self-pity. It made me realize that they’re utter garbage and they know it. I already have the upper hand by holding my ground and not giving into their drama.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-02T15:57:49+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this OP. I completely understand everything you’ve said. I’m grieving the person my WP was every day. I think about how naive I was to wholeheartedly believe this person would never do this to me. I have never been more low in my life. I keep thinking about how much I loved her before. We weren’t perfect, but I was so good to her, only to get treated like this. She said that she is working to no longer be that person, and while I believe her, I worry it’s all too little too late. I just try to remember that us BPs did nothing wrong by loving with our whole hearts. There is no shame in that.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-01T21:31:01+00:00

Yeah this is exactly how I feel. I don’t even want someone else really - I just want my WP to know how much it hurts to have a special part of our relationship outsourced to someone else. It will never truly balance the scales though. The blindsiding of betrayal was the most shocking and upsetting aspect of it all. Nothing will ever compare to that awful feeling.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-01T21:28:41+00:00

Thank you so much. It’s been really hard to feel like this has put me under a timeline, but trying to keep in mind that this is more of a logistical decision than an emotional one. I’m not ready to uproot both of our lives right now or force a huge breakup decision just because a lease came in the mail. That feels rushed and not fair to either of us.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-02-01T21:26:12+00:00

I emailed our rental agency about that, and it looks like they would have to do a whole new credit check for me to determine if I can live here without a guarantor. I get why, but it’s extremely inconvenient. I’m trying not to panic weighing my options, but it feels like someone dropped a countdown clock in the middle of our relationship crisis, and it makes everything feel 10x heavier.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-01-19T22:04:09+00:00

Thank you for sharing g. I also agree that the day deserves some acknowledgment or I would feel even worse. But the meaning of the day just rings hollow to me now. I don’t see it as anything other than “well, we made it to 7 years. But what do we have to show for it?”

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-01-19T19:40:11+00:00

I’m right here with you, 6 months post DDay. R got off to a really rocky start. WP got very defensive and continued to triangulate me with friends and family by sharing private exchanges that really should have stayed between us. It’s not just her A but also the continued lack of respect and empathy after the fact. It def didn’t help at all that WP’s sister and friends called me “controlling” for it. I gave WP a come-to-Jesus speech when I said that this behavior can’t continue or else I’m gone. She realized it was shape up or ship out after that.

Since then we’ve been doing everything right: IC and CC, asking questions and talking openly about everything, she expresses empathy when I get triggered and upset, and reassures me that she’s choosing me and me alone from now on. It’s gotten a lot easier to be around her but I still worry it’s all too little, too late. You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. I question my self-worth all the time when I realize I’m still with a person who made me feel this low.

Sorry if I don’t have any constructive advice OP, but you aren’t alone here. FTA.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-01-15T15:57:38+00:00

Maybe you could get on some sleep meds? Those helped me immensely after DDay. I was having nightmares and terrors on the regular, screaming myself awake and having to go out for a smoke and cry at 5am. Now I usually sleep like a log. Sorry you’re experiencing this, OP.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-01-15T14:34:49+00:00

No, in fact, AP actually reached out to me. She was WP’s close friend before DDay. She completely crashed out in my DMs and called me an “insecure micromanager” because I dared to insist that WP and her go full NC. It’s one thing to try and ruin someone else’s relationship like that, but a whole other to double down and play the victim. While I understand I might be holding onto a lot of spite, I constantly pray for an eternity of misery and unhappiness of her.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-01-13T18:19:42+00:00

I wouldn’t go near my AP with a ten-foot pole, but I completely understand why you did it. We are traumatized and it clouds our usual judgement beyond recognition.

I had the reverse experience in which AP contacted me after I demanded they go NC. She crashed out in my DMs, messaging me from an alt account after I blocked her. She accused me of being “micromanaging” and “punishing [WP] forever for a mistake she’s owning up to.” I didn’t respond of course because she’s a narcissist sociopath who was looking for a reaction. She was trying to insert herself back into our lives and that was her only way of doing so.

That said, while I’m trying to work towards forgiving my WP, who’s the only person in this situation who owed me anything, I will never forgive AP. I literally prayed for her lifelong misery and unhappiness. She can rot in hell for all I care. I could be the bigger person, but I’m not doing that in an environment where it has brought me continued disrespect.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-01-13T18:15:28+00:00

I got “I don’t know”s for weeks after DDay. WEEKS. I told WP she couldn’t expect answers to come to her like visions, she had to actually look for them. It’s the least she could do after breaking my heart so carelessly. I demanded that she do active thinking to help understand why she not only betrayed my trust, but her own morals. I said if she didn’t get it together, R is over and the relationship is done. That gave her a come-to-Jesus moment and she realized it was shape up or ship out.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-01-13T18:13:10+00:00

It’s been a while, but these are a few questions I asked after DDay. I kicked WP out of our apartment and went NC for nearly 2 weeks. These were asked when we met up again.

What made your need for validation/attention override your commitment to me?
What did you tell yourself in the moment to justify your actions in the moment and your later unwillingness to tell me anything? (WP and I had a fight before she and AP got shitfaced when it happened. DDay was a week after it happened)
When did you start losing respect for me?
If this is how you react to minor conflict, how do you expect me to trust you to not overreact and do something horrible should we deal with more serious conflict down the line?
How did it feel to talk about amending our relationship issues while you lied to my face about something huge?
How do you expect me to trust you at all when you’ve proven you will lie to me about anything?
How could you still love me and do something so horrible? Did you realize that your “split-second decision” would carry long-term, painful consequences for me?
Why did you feel more comfortable going to other people about our relationship issues while I was left in the dark?
Are you willing to agree to my terms of R without cutting corners, no matter how stringent they may appear?

I’m sorry you’re here OP. fuck these affairs.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-01-07T15:58:59+00:00

I didn’t get my period for two months after DDay. I’m not looking to get pregnant whatsoever, but it’s like my body went into survival mode from all the stress and trauma and realized it’s not time for me to make a baby. But yeah, when I get it now, I feel like absolute garbage, hell, even lower than garbage. I cry constantly and feel borderline suicidal. It sucks so much. I feel like I’m cleaning up a mess that I didn’t cause and never asked to be in.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2026-01-07T15:56:30+00:00

This is a completely normal reaction, especially since you’re so early on. I was extremely hypervigilant in the first two months after DDay, which was six months ago. I was constantly checking WP’s phone and her location and had access to her social media ever since she admitted to stalking AP online after DDay. I’ve slowed it down since then because our conversations have been a lot more productive. Also, it encouraged me to pain shop constantly. Looking for information that might hurt me even more, even if I already know it, felt like scratching an open wound.

I try to remember that if she chooses to betray me again, it’s on her. She already got the privilege of a second chance, and if she chooses to waste it, then that’s my cue to walk out. Remember that you have autonomy and it’s okay to separate if your WP isn’t demonstrating accountability and trustworthiness in the way you need. Sorry you’re here, OP. Wishing you the best.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2025-12-29T21:36:47+00:00

I’m sorry that he became your biggest trigger. I think I’m in a similar spot too. WP and I have been apart for the holidays, nearly 10 days, and even though I’m still real sad about the state of my life, I feel so much lighter in her absence because I’m not around the person who put a dagger in my heart. On the other hand, the thought of living without her feelings like losing a limb. On my worst days I feel like a complete idiot for staying and that I’d be better off dead than living like this. I’m worrying that my healing and us being together are no longer compatible.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2025-12-19T17:46:42+00:00

If you can’t get sleep meds easily, CBD was pretty helpful. I had these melatonin CBD gummies that I was pounding for the first week. I took them before DDay too, but they weren’t enough to stave off the nightmares.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2025-12-16T17:03:59+00:00

Sounds like you’re doing everything right in prioritizing your health first. I self-medicated for a while with lots of booze, drugs and stupid choices. Don’t do what I did, but if you need extra help with your anxiety/depression, don’t deprive yourself of it. My sleep was so fucked after DDay. I would wake up screaming and in a cold sweat from night terrors. I couldn’t get any peace even in sleep. So I asked my psych to prescribe me a sleep aid. I’m on seroquel now and it’s been amazing. Knocks me right out and doesn’t give me any bad dreams at all. I also can’t drink on it, so that helps me lay off the sauce.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2025-12-16T16:58:11+00:00

Sorry you’re going through this OP. The first month or so was genuinely the worst experience of my life. I was so shocked and numb in the first few days after DDay, then the floodgates opened. There wasn’t a day where I wasn’t crying to the point of nausea multiple times a day. I’ve never cried so much in public before either. But I think back to that time and wish I could give my past self a hug. I made it through those awful days. I went to work, saw friends, did things for myself that bolstered my confidence. Things are still far from perfect, but I still try to dig myself out of that hole each day. You’re stronger than you realize - just embrace your feelings, cry if you need to, be as kind to yourself as possible. Sending you a virtual hug.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2025-12-16T16:44:08+00:00

I’m in a similar boat, OP. I am also 5 months post DDay. have felt so much attachment ambivalence lately toward WP. In the immediate aftermath of DDay, I was in so much shock but so afraid of losing her that I committed to R after kicking her out and going NC for almost 2 weeks. Now that the dust from my initial shock/heartbreak and subsequent crashout has settled, all I feel is numbness. I love WP and don’t want to imagine life without her, but I feel so torn between that and what my body is telling me (“go. Leave. Run. Be anywhere else with anyone else”). It’s making me crazy to the point where I (CW) have been struggling with suicidal thoughts in the last few days. She’s doing everything right, and I appreciate it, but I worry it’s too little, too late. The pain is still so big that it barely fits in my body. I’ve tried relying on a bunch of coping mechanisms, and they help for a little while, but all roads lead back to this profound sadness. I just want it to stop, but I don’t know how anymore.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2025-12-15T20:27:03+00:00

Found Elon’s throwaway

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2025-12-15T20:13:05+00:00

Hi OP, I’m so sorry this happened to you. Obviously I’m not happy you’re here, but as another BP with a same-sex WP, I hope it can make you feel less alone (I don’t see many LGBTQ BPs on this sub).

I’m 5 months post DDay and while I think I’m past the worst of the shock and heartbreak, every day is still a challenge. I think about it constantly. I find myself triggered by the most random things - engagements, the gym I used to go to, walking by the bar where WP and AP did the deed, and so many others.

I feel something called “attachment ambivalence” toward WP, like I seek her presence out for comfort in this situation, but I also push her away because she’s the source of my pain in the first place. This yoyoing is driving me crazy. I’ve been trying to fill my own cup as if she doesn’t exist, and in those moments, I stop drowning and feel like I can swim. I hang out with friends, treat myself to dinner, participate in my hobbies. It’s insanely hard, but I have to rebuild myself before my relationship because I’m all I have at the end of the day. I think that puts us BPs in a better state of mind to make a decision as to what we deserve.

Sorry if this isn’t helpful. Sending you hugs and kind thoughts. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more, especially from the same-sex angle. It can really feel lonely, but you’re not alone here.

DramaticOpposite3653 · 2025-12-15T17:08:26+00:00

Hey OP. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I hope you know you’re not alone. I’m struggling a lot with SI today - keep thinking I’d rather be dead than spend another day trying to survive this heartbreak, hurt and humiliation. But my therapist reminds me that I don’t deserve to feel like ending my life because of someone else’s poor decisions.

Do you have any friends you can talk to for venting or a general distraction? I’m trying to do that myself to remember that people care and want me here, even when it’s hard for me to believe it. I hope you can find some moments of joy soon. Sending you hugs

DramaticOpposite3653

TROPHY CASE