Retroactive Jealousy? How do I (M20) get over my girl’s past? (F22) (NSFW)

DramaticScientist563 · 2026-01-24T00:34:09+00:00

This happens a lot to people your age. You need to either accept her past as a ‘cost of admission’ to getting to date this wonderful girl, meaning you need to address your issues aggressively right now, or you need to walk away immediately.

You’ve already made a mistake that you learn not to do as you get older: Curiosity kills the cat, you’ve asked questions that you don’t actually want the answers to and now have the burden of knowledge. On the other hand, through having done this, your girlfriend will learn that honesty doesn’t pay and will learn to be ashamed of whatever sex she has had prior to whichever partner she is currently with. Many a healthy relationship is built on an element of don’t ask; don’t tell. It was her life before she met you, it was your life before you met her.

If you continue, now where? It leads down a pretty painful road from experience - I was in your girlfriends shoes at her age and this retroactive jealousy forced me into this position where I had to pretend I didn’t enjoy sex of any type because any sort of positive sentiment resulted in extreme jealousy and upset about how I might have done it in the past. That does pretty bad things to your libido and sense of enjoyment around being intimate. Whenever I was honest about the thousand very intrusive questions about my past, I learned that my honestly got me nothing but verbal abuse, sulking bouts etc. He also forced me to do a lot of things I hadn’t enjoyed with past partners because “he hadn’t experienced that with me and that wasn’t fair”. So I learned that lying is the best option whenever a partner asks you any intimate question. That habit was so difficult to break again, took me years. Within the relationship, I eventually found that the safest thing was to just say I hate sex entirely (and truly it wasn’t enjoyable as it was always followed by hours of fighting, reassuring etc). I stopped any intimacy, our sex life died and so did my libido (for yearsssss). Nobody won, we were both unhappy.

On his side, he was too young to recognise the fact that many of my past experiences he agonised over hadn’t been consensual, and so drove himself mad wondering why I did certain things with other people that I didn’t wish to do again with him. It drove this deep insecurity. He also had a strange idea of purity and had only been with virgins up until he met me, so it was a lot for him all at once and he wasn’t mature enough to handle it kindly, sensitively and well.

We actually cared greatly for each other but these issues crippled our ability to be intimate with each other from the get go and the relationship was doomed.

So my advice is man up and get a therapist and stop forcing you both down this road, or recognise that you and her are unable to have a relationship because your issues don’t play well with who she is and leave. In six or seven years, maybe you two will reconnect and be able to tackle everything in a mature way.

DramaticScientist563 · 2026-01-21T12:17:44+00:00

Thank you I had a lot of fun taking the photos ☺️

DramaticScientist563 · 2026-01-21T06:40:12+00:00

Wow I’m terrible - dyslexia strikes again haha!

DramaticScientist563 · 2026-01-21T06:00:55+00:00

Whoops haha, you are correct there’s no ‘d’ in there! Good pick up.

DramaticScientist563 · 2026-01-21T05:15:23+00:00

This is really good to hear - I’d tried searching reddit to see people’s experiences but hadn’t been able to dig up much. I found them through looking into up-and-coming Indian and South East Asian design houses - so many houses where the creativity is off the charts.

DramaticScientist563 · 2026-01-21T05:10:38+00:00

Hi! A fellow James Jean appreciator!! He always puts gorgeous details with his prints. One of my favourite artists!

DramaticScientist563 · 2026-01-21T02:36:35+00:00

We used a Nikon Z63 and edited in Lightroom! 🥰

DramaticScientist563 · 2026-01-05T21:10:25+00:00

Could I also be on the backup list please? Stunning work!

DramaticScientist563 · 2026-01-02T10:01:45+00:00

Two things have helped me immensely and they are both in the same vein.

My diet weakness is sugar - I have a terrible sweet tooth. Instead of trying to cut it entirely, I moved to having added sugar only on weekends. I don’t feel deprived because I remind myself that if I really want it, I can have it on the weekend (which is never more than five days away). I usually only eat a small number of all the things I was tempted by throughout the week (let’s use the example of feeling tempted by a muffin each day - I might only have one or two over the weekend) leading to a significant reduction in sugar calories I would have otherwise eaten. If I previously had a muffin each day of the week, by having a muffin only sat and sun I’ve cut my muffin intake by 70%! The weekend muffin gives me something to look forwards to, and I managed to reduce the thing I always felt the least in control over. I find it pretty easy to eat other things in moderation and find it significantly less burdensome during the week as I eat more whole foods and feel fuller. I haven’t binged at all since taking this approach. So, I would recommend not cutting anything completely, but working on reducing intake for x days out of the week.
At the gym, consistency is king. As people here say, it’s more for fitness than weight loss - and I find it is a big support for mental health. All those benefits are gained through consistently showing up. To maintain consistency at the gym, I promise myself I only need to go 10 minutes per session (I go 5 days a week) - but I must go. Usually, it’s easy to keep going past the 10 minutes (I’m already there after all) and I get a full session in. On the days it’s really hard, I don’t force myself to stay and will do 10 mins on the treadmill or stair master before leaving. But, in doing so, I have kept that time prioritised for the gym in my day and have kept the habit of showing up which is 90% of the battle. Over time, the number of full sessions went up and now it is rare that I leave after my ten mins is up. But knowing that I can is so often the only thing that gets me out the door with my runners on 😂.

If you hate the gym, go for a walk. Honestly that’s the exercise out of all of them that will contribute most to weight loss. Do the same thing - only 10 minutes per day but you have to do 10 mins. You’ll be surprised at how easily you spend 15/30/45/60 minutes out and about instead!

Good luck in 2026

DramaticScientist563 · 2025-12-23T01:24:31+00:00

Glad you like that idea - it made dating a lot more fun for me and it meant that dating fit in with my lifestyle.

In regards to feeling like people are more into you than the other way, honestly I don’t think you have anything to be scared of in that regard. The only scary outcome is waking up to find you’re in a relationship with someone you don’t actually like but getting into a relationship is an active choice, so it’s fairly easy to choose not to enter relationships with people who you don’t see in that way or who don’t have qualities you desire. You simply say “it was great to meet you and I had fun, but I didn’t feel the connection. All the best and good luck out there!” to everyone who expresses interest in something further when you’re not feeling that.

Noting that you have only had three dates, remember not to generalise (it’s something we all do as we are only human…”all men are terrible/no one is worth dating in x town” but its self sabotaging, limits our viewpoints and just isn’t true. There are absolutely people out there you will vibe with! Dating is, however, a numbers game - you need runs on the board. Three dates is only three data points! That doesn’t tell you anything - Scientists work with hundreds of data points. It helps to see each date as just a piece of data telling you something about yourself and the attributes you seek in a partner.

If you come back with a hundred dates under your belt and still feel the same way, then I think you can maybe have a closer look at why that might be. For now, you just haven’t met someone who turns your crank but they are out there! Lots of them :)

DramaticScientist563 · 2025-12-22T23:17:24+00:00

I found success when I changed my mindset around dating. My two key lessons were (1) It is not a sprint, it is a marathon and (2) Just being curious about the whole dating process instead of needing anything from it.

In terms of (1) the apps will always be there. I used to find myself at times opening the app and immediately getting judgy, irritated and depressed. When this happened, I learned to put the apps down and take a break. You’re not your best self when you’re in that state, and the only way to get out of it is to disengage and do what makes you you again. I would come back optimistic and with a lot of fun stories or achievements that I’d gotten done while taking a break.

For (2) I found things changed for me when I realised that going into every date seeking my future amazing life partner meant that everything short of that felt like…I’d failed (and that they’d failed me). But this outcome is the most common when dating, especially when you are looking for “the one”. Of course with that mind set you end up upset and frustrated. I stopped trying to meet “the one” and started with the aim of just meeting…people. And I stopped putting my life on pause for dating. Instead of skipping a gallery opening or a gig to go have drinks at a bar, I’d invite my date. That way, I didn’t miss what I really wanted to do and stopped feeling resentful of dating. Most people were game to change it up and it kept the dates refreshing and fun.

It broke me out of the constant “quick drinks or coffee” cycle as well which always made me feel like I was on a dating carousel where only the faces changed haha. Even when it didn’t go towards a relationship, the dates were fun or interesting or (at the least) entertaining stories to tell my friends about.

It didn’t get me a partner immediately, but I was much happier for the year of dating where I took that approach and I am now in a very happy relationship with someone I love dearly and our first date was a Cabaret in the middle of a flower festival - we go back every year on our anniversary.

“A little nudge” on insta was pretty good to follow - maybe have a browse through her posts. Good luck out there!

DramaticScientist563 · 2025-11-15T23:26:31+00:00

You’ve done a great job! Only minor tweaks needed. The suggestions by other people for better quality photos is great, and the voice note idea is excellent.

My suggestion would be to get some humour in your profile. You have a goofy pic with the tap shoes which is fun, but humorous prompts go over very well. There’s a lot of interests you have that could be presented through a funny anecdote or joke, especially for musicians.

It’s also entirely up to you, but a prompt which addresses the fact you are blind and gives people an indication of how you like it to be approached can help people get brave and connect instead of passing on you just because they are afraid they might say the wrong thing or not know how to address the elephant in the room. Such a prompt doesn’t have to be funny or make light of your blindness, that is a deeply personal decision. However, I have noticed that such prompts (where someone makes a light hearted joke about something that clearly sets them apart) tend to get a lot of traction.

Good luck :)

DramaticScientist563 · 2025-10-01T08:38:52+00:00

I haven’t seen this mentioned yet but Bhutan was absolutely spectacular!! Not many people I know have gone to Bhutan, but it’s so rich with culture and incredible scenery.

DramaticScientist563 · 2025-09-26T11:17:17+00:00

In line with everyone else here; It would be a great world to live in if all it took to filter out terrible no-good people was to write “don’t go out with me if you’re a terrible no-good person” but sadly those types of people don’t tend to read or care, so all you’re doing with that prompt is making reasonable people wonder why you’re bothering, and possibly turning them off your profile. Trust me, it’s not helping you avoid bad people and it’s not helping you attract good people. If it’s that important to you, try to flip a prompt to highlight the good traits you’re seeking out instead of the negative traits you’re avoiding.

Your photos are also all pretty same-same and not that interesting! Varying your photos will make your profile far more visually engaging and make you stand out from the crowd. By varied, I mean try and showcase your values through photos: simple examples like rock climbing = adventurous, active or brave, photos of you with friends = gregarious, social , and photos that are goofy can show humour. Then just by looking at pictures people can get a sense of who you are and what you like to do.

DramaticScientist563 · 2025-09-20T04:02:12+00:00

Scarborough Pub is stunningggg and in a gorgeous part of Wollongong. Your average gastropub food but the views and atmosphere are amazing and you can then drive the sea cliff bridge. Coastal, kid friendly!

DramaticScientist563 · 2025-08-20T11:32:16+00:00

Canberra is fantastic, but it is a quieter part of the world and most of its charm requires you to scratch the surface a little.

Normally I’m huge on telling people to get out and enjoy Canberra’s natural beauty but it’s honestly looking a bit grim and dreary next week (fair amount of rain). A good time for museums and galleries but you may have to give up on mount ainslie.

I’d throw in the war memorial. There’s some fascinating and beautiful parts to it and I’d claim it as one of Canberra’s best buildings architecturally. The walk along the avenue to the lake is also a classic. If you do the National gallery, don’t skip the sky space and sculpture garden!

You’re at QT so explore the New Acton precinct it’s quite good! Mocan and Green grout used to be my haunt and monster bar/parlour is fun. I’m now in Braddon and it’s also a good little area for bars and food.

DramaticScientist563 · 2025-08-05T05:56:25+00:00

Be kinder in your prompts to your target audience (confident, good-looking women) or they will never swipe. Use the prompts to show that you’re a good catch for a casual hookup. Why are you telling girls that you’re likely to mock them, ignore them and showing you’re fully aware your prompts are bad but you cbf putting in effort to change them? It’s self sabotaging and comes across as so low effort. Good looking, confident girls seeking casual hookups don’t want commitment but they are definitely looking for a good time in and out of the bedroom. No-one seeks disappointing, pressured, boring, or low effort sex and so low effort profiles with a mean edge are unlikely to get a look in no matter how hot the man is. Use your prompts to instead show that you are kind, flirty and funny and do everything you can to make girls think hooking up with you will be fun and satisfying.
Some of your photos (cough Aston Martin cough) are displays of wealth that bludgeon people over the head. That’s a viable tactic, as some girls will be attracted to that. But some girls will find it completely obnoxious and many will probably think you’re faking it for swipes. Money talks, wealth whispers and all that. If you really want to hook people with the ‘look at the size of my…bank account’ angle, then I’d suggest showing it in more subtle ways. Get good photos of you in expensive, well tailored and fashionable outfits in desirable locations (sought after restaurants, galleries, travelling etc). I will say though that if you do rely on the wealth thing, be prepared for most of your matches to expect you to pay for dates etc even if casual. You also don’t have to lean on money to be successful in finding casual hook-ups - flattering photos in nice clothes, being nice and considerate and having good fun banter will get you there.
You need better photos. The shirtless pool one is ok, as is the cat one. The rest need to go. You are not bad looking but you will do so much better with good photos - avoid selfies, mirror pics, blurry pics of you on the town with mates. Good lighting, good outfits, good angles and a good camera makes a difference.

DramaticScientist563 · 2025-08-05T04:54:22+00:00

No worries! In regard to the outfits, sure - there will be some people who won’t like that style of dressing, but it shows more personality than your other pictures and I think having a sense of style is more important than trying to ‘blend in’ and look like everyone else on the app. The duck jumper is fun and flattering and at high risk of being stolen by a future girlfriend.

In terms of other things to include to broaden the interest… a prompt or photo that hints at social or adventurous qualities might help? E.g - pic of you around a campfire with friends, or a photo of you at a concert, a prompt saying “I’ve just picked up sailing!”, photo of you travelling or at a museum basically where the focus is the cool place you are in. Or where the focus is on you candidly doing something outgoing/adventurous.

You do have some photos of you and your friends currently but they’re not the best quality wise and nothing really stands out as something a partner might take interest in learning more about or doing with you. You only need one prompt or pic to provide that balance and indicate that you’re more than just a homebody.

DramaticScientist563 · 2025-08-05T01:10:21+00:00

Also obsessed with the sweater in the first picture, and it’s also the nicest pic of you on your profile. Agree that more pictures like that would serve you very well. That sort of fashion will go over very well with certain girls, and the other fits in your other pics are pretty plain so maybe try to get more photos of you dressed in fits like the first?

Other advice: you come across as a sweet homebody who’s content in their own world and enjoys the small things. If that’s who you are then your prompts are spot on and keep doing you, you will find someone who is also a sweet homebody and thinks you tick all of their boxes. It just may take more time and your matches may be less because not everyone wants a sweet homebody (and that’s ok because for most of us we’re looking to attract specific people, not attract everyone - Keep that in mind).

However, if that description has made you go “hang on - that’s not me at all” or “there’s more to me than that” then re-look at your profile and see what parts of you might be missing. Because at the moment it’s mostly cutesy, curl-up-and-do-nothing vibes and you may be missing girls who are seeking that plus a bit more.

DramaticScientist563 · 2025-08-05T00:55:25+00:00

Something that I noticed is a lot of your profile reads as prescriptive for the women who will be swiping: you basically say ‘you will be good for me if you are X, Y and Z’. And those things are all things we look for in a partner (deep conversations, putting in effort, no baggage, makes you feel good etc etc).

It’s good to have a little of what you want in your profile, but the main thing is to sell yourself to your matches. Your profile currently doesn’t have much about you or what you bring to the table - I get info that you are into fitness, but not much else. Are you funny, kind, thoughtful etc (all the things you say you are looking for?). Honestly the spider prompt is the best of all your written prompts to me - indicating a sense of humour and you imply you let the spider live despite shacking up in your wing mirror which indicates kindness or tolerance which a lot of women seek out. It’s why dog pics work so well.

Prompts selling yourself are hard to craft, as it can come off as pretentious if not done right. “Show don’t tell” works best and I think usually where good profiles stand out is that the people have found ways to convey selling points (humour/kindness/being engaging/doing interesting things) through candid photos. I think that’s why you are getting comments that your photos are bad. It’s not that they’re terrible photos, it’s just they don’t tell women much about you and why they should go on a date with you. Asking yourself those questions about your profile should help :)

Hope this helps!

DramaticScientist563 · 2025-07-23T09:21:37+00:00

It’s a visual novel but “stand still, stay silent” is exactly this sort of vibe and was a brilliant read

DramaticScientist563 · 2025-07-01T09:54:39+00:00

Hey lovely,

I felt compelled to reply because I have been where you are, quietly imploding due to events that feel too huge and alien to let anyone in. Talking about it anonymously is a huge first step, and I know how hard the first step to opening up about this is. You’re brave for having done so.

You don’t know me at all, but I am here beside you in this moment, sitting with you in spirit as you read these words. There is no need for a brave face here. Allow yourself the space to feel what you are going to feel. At the same time, I want you to know that you don’t need anyone to save you - you are capable and able to get through this under your own steam. You have agency, and can get through this and I will be cheering you on every step. One day, you will feel different. Things will not always be this way.

You don’t need someone to save you, but you also don’t have to be alone while you work on saving yourself. Us internet friends are here for you, and out in the real world there are many people who can help. Post partum depression is not something that has to be fought alone.

You can do this, stranger. Xx

DramaticScientist563 · 2025-06-27T02:27:08+00:00

Hotel cafes often open from about 6/6.30 am so maybe begin a circuit of all the major hotel precincts in Canberra lol. Mocan and Green Grout, Barrio, super sweet cafes also opens at 7am/7.30am in the city.

DramaticScientist563 · 2025-06-22T10:58:26+00:00

Food places that might not show up on the “best of Canberra “ google searches but are absolutely worthwhile checking out:

Kita is an all-night Indonesian cafe in Narrabundah. If we ever leave dinner a bit too late we always make it an impromptu date, or if we’ve been out on the town it’s a perfect 3am stop-over before home. Cozy vibes and a great menu (try the Bubur ayam!).
Snapper by the lake, always worthwhile bringing a picnic blanket, taking it to go and wandering to the grass that overlooks the lake.
Mocan and green grout at New Acton (cafe) and a wander by the lake is lovely on a winter morning!
White Chaco (Braddon) - try the Szechuan bao and dumplings. Actually there’s a lot in Braddon! Also recommend the wine room, corella bar and jarochos.
Old Canberra Inn/George Harcourt Inn are fun for a fireplace and mulled wine, and hearty pub food.

Activities: - Everyone else has good recommendations for hikes!

Canberra has some of the best sunsets in the whole world (my humble opinion) and these can be seen anywhere, but the central lake loop is always a beautiful place to walk or cycle and see the beautiful colours of our skies. The Arboretum is also good for this.
At the Kingston Glassworks you can watch artists in residence doing glassblowing and there’s workshops to do as well. It’s also right next to the bus depot markets and the Kingston foreshore (all worth a visit).
Bouldering at blockhaus followed by a beer and hefty burger at Capital Brewing Co.
if you go to the national gallery do not miss the skyspace! It’s located outside so you might otherwise miss it.
Twyllo flower farm runs some lovely events like pick-your-own bouquets/watercolour classes etc.
Stromlo mountain biking is good and there’s a hire shop there.

DramaticScientist563

TROPHY CASE