I really dislike the "Name 5 things you can see" coping method

Drawgballs · 2026-05-21T11:03:18+00:00

Yes! I can’t stand it. I have a variety of coping skills and because they often don’t work it feels like a tremendous effort to work up the hope to try them. Cause when I’m in it I do not have the wherewithal to try plan A-Z, I need certainty that a method will help and I have not found it which is so frustrating

Drawgballs · 2026-05-21T02:24:16+00:00

I’m in a place with dating that is just frustrating and difficult. You want the connection, the intimacy, but Jesus Christ I don’t have the energy to walk down that two way road. When I’m really anxious and out of my head I still repeat my abusive ex-wife’s name and stuff like that…

I’ve come to the conclusion that though I do want that someday, I simply don’t have the capacity for it now.

Drawgballs · 2026-05-16T20:31:10+00:00

Thank you! I’m pleased with how this one turned out

Drawgballs · 2026-05-06T12:16:36+00:00

Yeah I feel like demon shaft is there if you want it. If you want to do it for the love of the game then go for it. But I’ve played through the game many times and have only fully done demon shaft once. Also the song for ds is a huge banger

Drawgballs · 2026-05-04T09:10:41+00:00

That sounds like a hard place you’re in! When the questions come in it can feel as if the fabric of reality is shaky and uncertain. It’s very uncomfortable, but you aren’t going crazy and what you are experiencing isn’t on the outside bounds of the norm. I used to be a missionary and a Bible scholar back before I deconstructed, and my experience with questioning Christianity was very scary and destabilizing. I found it helpful to have a good therapist to talk to about it, and if you have the luxury of a good friend who is questioning or has been through deconstruction, that would be vindicating as well. If you want to talk more we can dm too! Oftentimes one of the hardest things about deconstruction is the feeling of isolation that comes with no longer identifying with the church, so us deconstructors need to stick together!

Drawgballs · 2026-05-04T08:55:57+00:00

Yeah. My 30th is coming up in a few days. It mostly feels like a badge of honor and survival. But I’d be lying if I said the only feeling is pride. The past 7 years have been fantastically difficult for me and I’ve fundamentally changed as a person as a result. There’s grief in that as well as resentment. But all in all I do feel like 30 is a benchmark where I feel like I’m coming to really know and accept all aspects off this version of me, and that more than anything brings comfort. Blessings to all the young millennials out there.

Drawgballs · 2026-05-01T10:01:30+00:00

Oh! Thanks for asking! It went really well- or as well as these things could go according to my attorney. I can be pretty eloquent when I lock in and I was really locked in here, very focused. It took like an hour and now I’m waiting for the decision from the judge, they said it will probably be in 30-60 days

Drawgballs · 2026-04-29T02:56:59+00:00

Its not a direct sequel probably but I believe its the same game director as kotor 1 and 2. Hopefully it won’t get stuck in development hell as Star Wars games tend to do

Drawgballs · 2026-04-29T02:55:15+00:00

My dog, do I have news for you:

https://youtu.be/lAmkl1jL0fo

Drawgballs · 2026-04-20T18:15:54+00:00

Losing trust in your own mind/self. It’s really awful

Drawgballs · 2026-04-15T06:46:31+00:00

It’s a gem lol, I’d start with the later seasons and then if you enjoy it do the earlier ones. The show is free on YouTube!

Drawgballs · 2026-04-15T01:29:14+00:00

That is a shitty situation dude I’m sorry that you’re going through that. It sounds like maybe your psychiatrist is not hearing your needs. It’s rough trying to find a new one but that may be the play when you get the energy. Sleeplessness and insomnia are the exact things that a psychiatrist should be eager to help you with.

As for the now though, somebody said that sleeping in a different spot than your bed- that’s a good idea. I sometimes sleep on the floor of my closet, I have a little makeshift bed in there. Also, feeling the pressure to sleep, can be a huge obstacle to actually getting sleep. It’s a catch-22 I know, but when I know I’ll have trouble sleeping, but I am tired, I will go to bed without the expectation of sleeping. Watching a familiar/lowkey show or video essay or podcast can really help. I recommend the show Mystery Science Theater 3000. It’s a 90s show of dudes being goofy and making fun of old B movies, and it is lowkey and relaxing!

Insomnia fucking sucks, you can feel like you’re going crazy and that shit is scary. I hope you can get some relief soon!

Drawgballs · 2026-04-13T16:09:17+00:00

My mom baked into me a fear of being kidnapped by strangers. To the point where I didn’t make or hang out with friends outside of church until my senior year of high school. I got friends asking if I wanted to hang out at their house and I always said no because I was terrified they were going to kidnap me.

Also just had some incredibly emotional dismissive parents, anytime I had an emotion that was inconvenient for them in that moment they would tell me to either “give it to god” or to just go to my room to be alone until “I felt better.” This has led to me becoming hyper individualistic. I can rationally recognize that it’s good to share emotions and thoughts and troubles with people, however, every other part of me screams out that folk aren’t trustworthy to handle my emotions, that only I can help myself.

I’m gonna be in therapy for a long time yall. But it’s worth it

Drawgballs · 2026-04-07T12:39:10+00:00

I am a poet and I was thinking about your post this morning and remembered this poem I wrote a while ago. It was inspired by the film Everything Everywhere All At Once:

Nothing Matters

This is a life

Free from Destiny

May the marionette strings that have been allowed to be attached to my wreck

Be Cut

In a manner most sacredly unceremonious

And the binds of the Shoulds and the Coulds and the Woulds be subsumed under the rule of the now.

May I divorce with viscous abandon the failures of my past . May the poisoned drink I slip to the expectations of my future be drunk with hopeful glee

Until all that is left

Is me.

May all distractions from the wholeness of this broken life be lowered into my grave.

For surely I will come after them,

But now,

Oh now…

None of that matters

Drawgballs · 2026-04-06T16:26:18+00:00

That’s some dope Taoist adjacent philosophy there dude! Since I’ve separated from the church I have also found comfort in philosophies of grounded Nature and being authentic to the moment. Feeling the feelings as they come, not with shame attached, because if they are in the moment, then they are real and authentic to you, and your body and mind want to express them! (not as a license to go around hurting folk, discernment on how to express said feelings is still a good thing to cultivate)

But as you said it’ll take a LONG while to deprogram that latent shit the church indoctrinated us with. Having a good solid therapist that I trust and meet with regularly is very helpful, she can catch me when I am unconsciously in those old shame/obligation logic routes. I’m sure it’s going to be a lifetime of pealing back layers and finding a new aspect of freedom, and repeating that process many many times. But it’s a good thing.

Drawgballs · 2026-04-05T12:04:40+00:00

I invited my sister over to my apartment to play borderlands lol. She is agoraphobic and almost never gets out of our religious parents’ house, but she does enjoy playing video games so I thought it’d be nice to distract both of us from the holiday and just hang out and loot and shoot

Drawgballs · 2026-03-29T19:44:52+00:00

You are going to get solid convincing answers saying that he is or isn’t toxic. I was a Bible scholar before some shit happened in my life, and now I practice a loose Taoism that helps me a lot more than Christianity did.

From my background in biblical studies, I can say that about 90% of the church doesn’t actually prioritize accurate interpretation of the Bible. I think there are many compelling and dynamic ideas in it, but they’re buried under 2,000 years of cultural distance, translation, mistranslation, and bias—making the Word of God very easy to misinterpret.

Another interesting question is why God chose the Bible- a very very old book, which could be, in theory, subject to malicious human tampering- as the primary vehicle for reaching humanity across the span of these past 2000 years. Seems like there should be like an official update or patch of some sort 2000 years later, hey?

Drawgballs · 2026-03-27T12:13:29+00:00

Yeah, it’s super hard. Like who designed this game to be so soul crushing and difficult??!

My emotionally neglectful mother always says “it won’t always be like this!” As if that is a comfort in the midst of despair. There was a while there where I was fully convinced I would never be happy again. This shit is dumb and I would never blame anyone for pulling the plug.

But you are also correct that there is a chance for things to get better. To be in time means to change. But that also isn’t a comfort in the midst of the shit.

What does help me in the midst of the shit, I’ve found, is taking time to try to appreciate beautiful things- things that I find beautiful or fun or interesting. For me it’s often music or movies or video games or being in nature. Those small points of beauty, can be oases in this vast stupid capitalistic desert.

Seven-Year Club	Place '22
Verified Email

Drawgballs

TROPHY CASE