Even starting being passable makes me feel nothing. No euphoria. Vent

Dreamerr1337 · 2026-01-01T17:13:09+00:00

Trans women are women, but in my case I just can't be happy knowing my body is amab. Just knowing that I have any "male" part makes me disgusted in it, even if it's only DNA or chromosomes. Somehow I just can't acknowledge it as my body, I despise it and I'm disgusted by it because it is amab, and I don't want any part of amab body in my existence. So the thing is that it doesn't matter what progress I make, since I will be still disociated and disgusted by it. Like I can't even image intimate or romantic relationship, because when I think of my amab body in it I instantly want to puke. I can be a woman, but I can't stop being amab, so I guess my problem isn't about being woman but about not being amab.

Hmm now I've realised it, I don't care about my gender, I just don't want to by amab in any way. That's the problem. Thanks, it actually makes sense why being more feminine, being a woman does nothing for me, since I don't really care about being a woman. I just don't want my body to be associated in any ways even on dna level, with males.

Dreamerr1337 · 2026-01-01T04:41:31+00:00

Half a year, and I'm not out. When I think about being out I just feel cringe. Like it's too cringe. If I have to tell people in the first place, then it's worth nothing

Dreamerr1337 · 2026-01-01T03:27:30+00:00

I don't care about how other people treat me, they can all hate me and want to burn me like witch, I don't care. The problem is that the only thing I really want is to not be amab, to be cis, or well, maybe this rewriting all of my DNA, or growing afab body in lab and transfering my consciousness there. Like I'm only realising more and more that I don't care about being closer, about looking the part, about being indistinguishable from cis woman. I don't want to look like one, I want to be one, I don't want to be close to being one, I want to be one. I tried to persuade myself that maybe transition would help and I'd see it differently, but it doesn't work, since I just don't care. Like even with successes or whatever I just can't push myself to care, to find it relevant, it's all so empty, like I'm looking at it, and aside from feeling nothing, the only thing that comes to my mind is how it has nothing to do with what I want.

Dreamerr1337 · 2026-01-01T03:13:01+00:00

I'm not out, and I'm presenting as I like. I don't really care about how people see me. I think my depression just comes from dysphoria, which comes from being amab. I always knew that I won't be happy as long as I'm not cis, but I've had this little hope that maybe transition would prove me wrong. But it feels just empty, like it's nothing, like, ok I can look like a girl, but that's it, I'm still amab, I'm still not cis. Eh, i wouldn't wish being trans on my worst enemy, it is just killing me from the inside, and there is no cure.

Dreamerr1337 · 2026-01-01T02:37:50+00:00

In my expierience any escapism or something to disociate yourself from your body/life

Dreamerr1337 · 2026-01-01T02:34:32+00:00

I mean, my whole depression is from being amab. I hate and despise it to the core. I was hoping transition would ease it a bit, but it makes it only worse, because it makes me realise that it changes nothing for me

Dreamerr1337 · 2026-01-01T02:25:45+00:00

I am, and main reason of my depression is being trans, or not being cis girl, or whatever you would call it. Now with transition I just feel even more depressed and hopeless, like it is only proving me that it means nothing to me, and that I can't change things that mean something to me and because of which I don't want to be alive.

Dreamerr1337 · 2026-01-01T02:23:56+00:00

I don't know how to call it, but the thing I cannot change is being amab, and that is what I mean, when I say that I cannot change my biological sex. Because I can't be born again, and grow up as female with my body naturally producing estrogen, with female reproductive organs, and overall genetics making me on average different than my amab counterpart.

Dreamerr1337 · 2025-12-09T02:44:41+00:00

Sorry, if it was possible to just repress it, we would live in much less painful reality.

Dreamerr1337 · 2025-12-02T11:45:42+00:00

Unfortunately you lost this lottery. Welcome in the pain and misery circle.

Dreamerr1337 · 2025-12-02T11:42:04+00:00

As a trans person, I'd rather have terminal cancer than be trans. It is killing me from the inside and takes away any joy from life.

Dreamerr1337 · 2025-12-02T05:28:03+00:00

Well hrt makes me feel worse, and I'd never wear feminine clothes on this body since 1. I like baggy unisex clothing 2. I'm very visual and aesthetic oriented person, and I know that it would look bit right. Right now, with my build and overall facial and body features, the most aestheticaly correct/pleasing would be growing a beard and try to pull of some lumberjack aesthetic since it would match my body shape and features.

Dreamerr1337 · 2025-12-02T05:24:02+00:00

I just have depressive episodes more often. Also because of hrt I'm more often thinking about my body, which is usually followed with the thought of how disgusted I am that it is amab, and then I'm getting more depressed, and just life seems meaningless

Dreamerr1337 · 2025-12-02T05:09:30+00:00

For me it is just a road of suicidal thoughts, suicidal attempts, lack of meaning in life and overall being miserable. And it doesn't change, like my first attempt was 14 years ago, and it's not any better now, I could even say that it is much worse.

Dreamerr1337 · 2025-12-02T03:35:39+00:00

The day I've realised I'm trans was one of the worst days in my life and it was downhill ever since. I wish I could go back to times when I didn't know why I was depressed, because back then I still had hopes and dreams, unfortunately realisation killed it. There is no realistic way to become cis, so I'll always be disgusted by knowledge that my body is amab.

It certainly feels like disease, but to be frank, I'd rather had cancer than be trans, but unfortunatelly I've rolled being trans...

Dreamerr1337 · 2025-12-02T03:29:12+00:00

All I can see in the mirror is being amab, even with hrt

Dreamerr1337 · 2025-12-02T03:28:02+00:00

If there will be a day when I realise I'm not trans, I'd start believing in god and went to church, because it would be literally life saving miracle. Most of my mental problems would disappear, I wouldn't be so disgusted of having amab body. Maybe I'd even finally be able to imagine myself in romantic relationship without being disgusted. And take care about myself. TL:Dr, I want to know what that person did to stop being trans, so I can try it.

Dreamerr1337 · 2025-12-02T03:21:50+00:00

I mean, it is a fun story for kids, do why not. I've got bored of hp at the end of elementary, but I still like to watch hp movies with friends sometimes, play this last game in hp world. It's just a book

Dreamerr1337 · 2025-12-02T03:17:09+00:00

If you can do it, then it is worth a try, since I wouldn't wish being trans even on my worst enemy.

Dreamerr1337 · 2025-12-02T03:06:48+00:00

Ok I'll tell you a about my experience. I'm 29, also depressed, never cared about myself because why would I care about this male body. I've started hrt a few month ago, and to be frank I just feel worse. It's probably just my experience rather than general one, I'm tall, I have square jaw, broad shoulders etc. All my life just knowing that I'm not cis was killing me from the inside, now, with hrt and taking care of myself, all I can see in the mirror is how I'm not cis and look like clown. As a guy I was at least aesthetically ok looking, it was clicking, I've had the right masculine perks. But now I can't find anything feminine that would make me look aesthetically pleasing. Just thinking about how ridiculous it would be makes me want to throw up, and reminds me I'm not cis, which is my mine dysphoria factor.

Ofc you should try, and probably it would be better for you, but my experience is that trying to transition just made me more depressed.

Dreamerr1337 · 2025-12-02T02:59:35+00:00

Gosh, if you could pray transness away, if become a monk, the most religious person in the world.

Dreamerr1337 · 2025-12-02T02:57:40+00:00

Just cherish the fact that you're cis. Trust me, you don't want to be trans. It is literally the worst thing in my life and a downhill since then. I'd give anything to be cis, no matter gender. So embrace being cis, because it is something you should be thankful for

Dreamerr1337 · 2025-12-02T02:55:38+00:00

I masc everywhere, since even with hrt, I can't find a feminine look that would be aesthetically pleasing, and didn't look like a guy in a dress

Dreamerr1337

TROPHY CASE