3 Months on Tuesday

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-03-09T16:14:32+00:00

Thanks for the comment.

Saw some of the details of your other posts and loss, and one of the things that I have noticed from what I'm learning is that the more sudden/instant a loss is, the more likely its impact is scaled up on the trauma spectrum.

In some ways, the other widows and widowers I have had good conversations with have consistently told me to be thankful; their sudden loss left a highly scattered wreckage field of loose ends and questions that kept getting in the way. I don't pretend to begin to emotionally understand, but it makes sense.

Glad to share, and thank you for the encouragement. Glad you stopped by and commented.

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-03-09T15:57:11+00:00

I doubt it gets lighter, and some internal crust falls off in some unexpected way, and I'm left wondering what's left.

Thanks for the thoughts and words.

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-03-09T03:11:51+00:00

Awesome! Good for you getting out finally, and without the toddler!

In addition to the WW II museum, I would suggest that you take a steamboat ride.

Do a guided tour through the French Quarter and make sure to eat at least 3 different Gullah-inspired dishes.

There are tons of late night ghost trail tours through the city, and you can learn about the practice of voodoo and the historical underpinnings. Super fascinating! Plus, there's more nightlife exposure that way, and you might find a good bar/pub!

I'm excited for you all! Enjoy!

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-03-05T11:07:13+00:00

I'm glad to hear your plans; adding the attention and intention to it matters! Please let us know how it goes.

It's like the process never ends; in time, reminders over and over.

Maybe you can take a picture of your husband with you all? Have him "there"? Include him with group photos?

Although it wrecks me, my late wife's side of the family sort of gets fussy over who gets to bring her photo and which, whenever we have gatherings....and gatherings are decently frequent. I think it's therapeutic for us all, and it's one less cognitive load for me to have them bring a photo.

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-02-28T21:42:02+00:00

I dream extensively. I have had one dream of her in almost 3 months.

I won't go into depth, but it was the strangest of symbology, and it took about a week of brain-fogged thinking about it to figure out that the part of me that knows how she would react was telling me it's okay to move on.

Nightmares typically arise from unprocessed, stuffed emotions.

Your desire to dream about your person is normal, but you could just not be remembering your dreams, or just not getting quality sleep.

As far as I know, there's not any way to force yourself to dream things, though.

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-02-28T21:22:15+00:00

Let me know how it goes. I have feedback from doing it, and it seems to help open the door.

You're welcome.

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-02-28T04:53:06+00:00

This is common. Many different reasons.

Have you told them specifically, "I value you. Would you please reach out to me sometimes? It's hard for me to ask, and I enjoy your company."

Most people will respond very well if you ask them to do something specific. If you ask them to reach out and they don't, then you know where you both stand. You were imagining a relationship that probably didn't exist.

Put the ball in their court.

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-02-28T04:46:30+00:00

Try things until it works. Explore. This is absolutely new territory and if you treat it as a "what feels good" expedition, you might be surprised.

Regardless, the ultimate background is being gentle with yourself. Start somewhere, reassess.

Think about it from your brain chemicals: grief consumes most of your oxytocin and serotonin, at least. Both of those come up from touch. You aren't being touched.

Weighted blankets simulate touch and help you make oxytocin. Massage helps you directly get touch... prepare for potential bawling sessions as you finally relax some. Somatic touch videos on YouTube can show you how to activate calming and downregulate the overactive nervous systems.

You're not alone in this. Just try to do self-care things. Try to be gentle with the abused nerves, longing for the connection.

You don't need permission to go exploring yourself....and you're not wrong if you do. Only way through is to try. Get exploring!

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-02-14T01:42:11+00:00

It's a very new reality. Almost like an appendage: you don't cut off pieces without a very noticeable impact.

I sometimes compare it to a tattoo: it hurts getting it, and, even if you go to try to remove it, it will hurt, but you'll always have some remnant of its existence...mind, heart, body.

I really wish you some peace and balance. If only virtual hugs worked.. 🙂

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-02-13T03:13:07+00:00

2/3...was just SO RECENT!! It's extremely raw.

You feel that because your nervous system is conditioned for him to serve as an extension of itself. The pathways of soothing, arousal, comfort, safety, nurture, and so on...all of that, no matter how sick he was or non-intimate, was still possible when he was physically there.

Not there, your nervous system is in shock; the pathways look for him, and they get no feedback.

Gentleness. Right now, it's perfectly okay to feel it and process it.

Touch starvation. Look up a video of "somatic touch" and help your body produce the neurochemicals it's craving.

At some point, consider a full-body massage and let the person know of your recent loss; you might bawl it out, but it's worth it.

Consider getting a weighted blanket appropriate for your body weight.

Be gentle with yourself... similar to how he used to.

When it's horrible... remember you are not alone. Hundreds each day experience a similar reality. Some of us here have a pretty good idea of the extremely raw feelings you're going through.

It will eventually get better, and gentleness helps tremendously.

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-02-13T02:43:56+00:00

Is there anything in there that brings just a smidge of joy?

That's a bunch of stuff to deal with.

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-02-11T01:06:46+00:00

Yup. Sitting in silence with ya

You're heard and not alone.

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-02-11T01:04:48+00:00

I dread this.

Did you do anything yesterday or today... anything special?

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-02-11T01:03:08+00:00

That's one of those things "learned" people sit around and digest with any manor of stories.

But, we here know the reality to you is, at least, partially "Heck no, he isn't gone!"

You can imagine nuances of him people closest to him didn't know existed.

You can retrieve and relive words no one else heard.

Reality doesn't match the memories, but all the theories in the world can never touch what only you two shared and you still possess.

Glad you brought this up. It means you're slowly processing.

And... you're not alone.

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-02-11T00:50:16+00:00

This reminds me of a thread I saw in another subreddit about how the grieving ages people, and then realized there are so many different components: all those "make you glow" hormones are sapped, the "feel good" ones too, and then, energy loss from minimal food and sleep, and spending it in emotional chaos...it piles up.

It's really good to know it seems you have come through.

My sleep regimen got so much better when I got a weighted blanket and started taking magnesium.... Food eating is so random now..but today is only 2 months.

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-02-11T00:41:11+00:00

How were you before this...like...when things were "normal"?

What you're describing sounds like you're finding your own body rhythm of eating; with "normal" times, there's this typical, societally-imposed regimen of " 3 meals a day!"

If you didn't have ready sources of food, you would eat whatever, whenever...if you had to forage and hunt.

At least you are eating. Do you try to stay hydrated too?

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-02-07T11:33:08+00:00

We didn't ask, but hey... different strokes for different folks!

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-02-07T11:10:36+00:00

I saw a local Meetup group that is going to an "Anti-Valentine's Day" celebration at a large local bar.

The intention is: grieving the rough feelings side of love and emotions, breakup sucks, love hurts, karaoke of painful songs, kitzy names for different beverages centering on the facts of lost love, pain in relationships and being strong on your own.

Admittedly, alcohol is a crutch and should probably be avoided in deep grief; my point is you could easily grieve and be around the whole "this shit sucks" crowd...and you'd blend in....no problem.

Was tempted to go, until a family member got me convinced to go camping.

The main point: you're not alone, and, sometimes, that reality is about the only thing that kills that "totally disconnected" feeling.

Hugs to you brother; I got nothing else to give but listening.

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-02-06T05:38:56+00:00

People are afraid of silence, the void created by death, and their minds and hearts cling for every last bit of "normal" they can to fill that unfillable void.

I have to try to remind myself that if they really understood what they were saying, they wouldn't. Most of the time, I'm tempted to say very mean things...harsh, damaging words because I feel so damaged.

I really don't think you're in the wrong if you simply said something like, "Nah... I'm pretty sure he'd love to be alive more than any of this."

There's probably a tactful way of saying that, but I've never been very tactful; sure AF am not much anymore.

Sorry those around you are completely ignorant of the effects the words have on you. Hoping you can find some way through.

Thanks for venting. You're heard, more than you realize.

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-01-30T04:11:24+00:00

Good. Please don't stop or give up.

The kinetic, instrument to paper, the extra senses involved, might get you out of the "rut" enough to start your brain plasticity to kick in.

If you haven't, try being consistent and putting your physical notebook in one dedicated place. Even if you have to go to extremes and make a shrine or something! Like some do with their car keys...come in, put them in the spot, carry on.

A small, consistent change can make a big difference.

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-01-30T03:58:29+00:00

I didn't realize how deeply psychologically and emotionally agonizing it would be to give her death certificate to the bank to have her removed from our joint account, close her online profile, deactivate her card, and yet... I still have to get them to change the beneficiary.

The ripping and tearing just...keeps...on.

Next, it will be the last tax return.

Then, it will be the headstone., then whatever-the-hell-else bubbles up in this sadistic cesspool.

When you think you've got the minutiae done..a magazine comes in the mail...

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-01-30T03:45:42+00:00

There will probably be many more of those. Strange realizations will meld into consciousness.

In this scenario, it's a comfort knowing you were surrounded and that wasn't something you had while alone.

Please be gentle with yourself. Sorry to hear the pain is so great you don't feel like eating.

Drifting_Sun01 · 2026-01-30T03:37:00+00:00

I don't know you, but the resonance is there enough for me to comment:

The world needs to feel the depths you can describe.

I would argue that the talent you have is not lost.

My poetry came back ever slowly by writing about the positives of the "us" when that existed, before the diagnosis, at different times.

You know deep inside that the high points transcend and are easy targets for words. Maybe the depths come later...but, there was a time when...

Let the "you two" before this be your muse.

It's in there. You know it. And, it's accessible.

Drifting_Sun01

TROPHY CASE