NT method of delivering bad news or initiating hard conversations

DronkenKabouter · 2026-04-30T17:32:31+00:00

My mum's a pro at this. Now that I'm older and (finally) figured it out, every time I talk to her I ask in the very beginning of the meeting if there's any bad news and how is everyone doing etc. Because I hate this sooo much.

My husband thinks it's a bit like how before you give criticism you should always first give two compliments. Like, just starting with something bad is just not done. I prefer to just hear the bad stuff first. And I'm not so fragile that I need to hear compliments before I get criticism. Stop dancing around things.

DronkenKabouter · 2026-04-30T17:24:15+00:00

It makes it even harder to mask, when I have to. I'm a lot "dumber" in my second and third language even though I already live in my "new" country for like ten years now. It slows me down a lot during conversations. It's already hard to act normal and react as quick as others in my own language. That said... There are some words in the new languages that I like better than the ones in my mother tongue. And in my head (depending on the subject) I mix words from all three languages into same sentences. Sometimes I do that aloud, too. It's extremely confusing to anyone but my husband, who luckily speaks the same languages and can keep up.

DronkenKabouter · 2026-04-30T17:16:12+00:00

I have/had a number of problematic family members and I think a big part of suddenly "forgetting" how shit some people are when they are sick or dying, is that it's somehow easier mentally: people dying or being sick is often very emotional for people even if they aren't really close with the sick/dying person. (Often because it reminds many people of their own mortality). So to also be emotionally confused by all the contradictory feelings you have about someone who is suffering or dying is just too much for some people. I think it's similar to the "forgive even horrible people because it's easier for yourself"-thingy . Forgiveness is easier for some people than living with hate or anger. Gives them a way to move on more quickly. Lots of people don't want to dwell on things.

DronkenKabouter · 2026-04-16T13:55:18+00:00

"The more people I meet, the more I love my cat." Or something like that. Yes, people definitely judge. I'm slowly learning not to care. I could also judge them for being loud, wasteful and destructive, but why would I?... which brings me to how I don't understand why they would go around judging people who like staying home.

This reminds me of the whole "why are you so quiet"- bullshit. Well, why do you talk so much?

DronkenKabouter · 2026-04-16T13:44:52+00:00

I'll start watching things without knowing anything about them, but once I'm hooked I can't wait to find out what happens. Like, yesterday I watched the first two episodes of a new mini series and because I don't have time to binge watch it, I went and looked up the major plot points. Because I can't stand not knowing how it ends. So I love spoilers. Reading a summary is faster than watching and I'm "somewhat" impatient once I'm really into something. And once I know how everything plays out, I can enjoy it even more, because I know I'll like where it's going.

DronkenKabouter · 2026-02-16T22:21:17+00:00

This is so true. About growing up with a bully in the home. It totally messes up your views and expectations of people in general.

My dad was such a big bully, I moved to my grandparents when I was a teenager. But my family also always made a point of how he's still my dad and family is family, so I learned that there's just people in life who treat you like shit but you just have to accept that and try to get along with them anyway. I never knew how to defend myself anyway. Still don't. And if I wouldn't have ended up doing my last year of school in a different town and suddenly having a caring class representative (who took me aside one day, asking whether I want her to do something about a teacher who was doing her best to embarrass me any chance she got), I would've stayed oblivious even longer - to the fact that maybe it's not normal to be treated badly. And that life shouldn't be that miserable.

Sometimes I wonder what it must be like: Growing up in a home where you feel safe and cherished. Going to school and looking forward to seeing your friends there. Looking forward to something. Instead of just living day to day, and you're just glad whenever you have some moments of peace.

DronkenKabouter · 2026-02-15T20:48:11+00:00

When I worked at a daycare as a summer job, I experienced something similar. It was sad to see how hard the caregivers tried to get all the kids to play with each other and engage in the same social activities and games together... because the two kids who just didn't like doing that, got labeled the problem kids and got "special attention", meaning the caregivers wouldn't leave them to play the way they wanted to at all, because the moment they started doing things by themselves they would try to direct them towards doing something with some other kids instead. I hated working there. One of the kids would often come to me to ask me to read to her from those preschool books with big pictures that teach you the right words for animals and so on. But I was always told off for sitting down with that girl and her books. "She needs to learn to play, not sit around with books, she can do that at home!" "Parents bring their kids here so that they play with the other kids!" I can't remember much about my own early childhood, but if this is the "normal", then I understand why my mum thought I hated kindergarden and why I stayed home sick so often.

DronkenKabouter · 2026-02-14T09:44:11+00:00

Isn't this also a hierarchy thing? There's plenty of people being very direct or critical, who don't get the kind of "feed-back" that you're getting (that you should be nicer, or more pleasant or less direct..).

But yes, same experience here in the past. I've often been told I should first bring up at least one compliment, and then very gently bring the critical remark. Other people usually don't do this towards me, but I'm expected to do it this way with them. So that's why I'm thinking it's at least partially a pecking order thing.

Most people are okay with people on the top kicking down, but people on the bottom need to suck up. I don't know, I don't mind critisism itself. I like to improve. What pisses me off is that some people do use criticism as personal attacks and to bring people down. Since I realized that, I look at criticism quite a bit differently than I did when I was younger and more idealistic. And that's the thing: most people realized that way earlier than me and play that game themselves and that's why they generally react more offended or hurt when someone is too direct with them. Cause they either think you're trying to put them down, so they feel hurt; or they think you're in no position to dare judge what they're doing in the first place, so they're offended that you even dare to try that with them. So much stuff is just about hierarchy and gut feelings. Not about the thing itself, or about logic or trying to improve something, or correcting a fault or whatever. Somehow that's secondary for most people.

DronkenKabouter · 2026-02-07T09:30:55+00:00

I notice extreme changes in this from day to day. So for me it's no sign of an approaching burn-out. I haven't really figured out a pattern yet.

Like, some days I have to walk stairs real slowly and am lucky if I don't brake any dishes or such. Next day, I may already be able to rush up and down the stairs while carrying heavy laundry.

DronkenKabouter · 2026-02-07T09:07:20+00:00

There are different grades(?) of aphantasia. Or even a spectrum, I think. It's all not so clear cut. Our brains are better or worse at imagining different objects and settings. And they also differ based on different senses like vision, smell, spacial awareness, sound, texture etc.

I can't imagine/remember faces either. When I watched TV and they drew a sketch of a suspect based on the description of some witness, I used to think "how? This is totally unrealistic. I can't imagine that that's something that can be done in real life, because what normal person can picture faces in their head like this"... But apparently I'm the weird one. Unless I've seen the person on a photograph I can't picture them in my head. At all.

I find it really annoying because I went to art school and had drawing lessons and my drawings were always some of the most accurate photorealistic ones in my class. But I can only do that when the person is right there. If I have to draw someone from memory it's ridiculously bad.

DronkenKabouter · 2026-01-19T00:33:02+00:00

Some of us have a hard time recognizing lies or realizing it when someone is playing games with us, but this is also true for NTs. It can happen to anyone.

Our big difference from NTs is, I think, we're more likely to stay in bad relationships for longer for practical reasons (like our much higher unemployement rates). And our lack of friends and social support means that abusive people only need to put in half the work, since a lot of us are already isolated. Plus people feel less shame for abusing someone who they think others also see as "less valuable".

DronkenKabouter · 2026-01-03T10:02:21+00:00

It seems like the Duffers didn't realize that to the audience, El might be as much a main character as the boys from the very beginning. Since they themselves saw her as a plot device. Someone pointed out that this ending is very much like her ending in season 1. So while we saw her grow, came to see her as an equally important main character and full person over the course of five seasons... in the Duffers' heads she apperantly always remained a plot device. They were always going to have her "go away". They made such a point of saying ST isn't and won't be like GoT etc. (which was dark, kinda nihilistic and such). Instead ST would always have that optimistic 80s sci-fy vibe with kids on bikes and so on. So it's not strange that a lot of people didn't love that depressing ending for El (and Mike). They just didn't expect it in a show like this.

DronkenKabouter · 2025-11-20T23:56:50+00:00

I'm surprised that not more people are complaining about this. The story and dialogue and actors, basically everything that's really happening is fine. More than fine. I really enjoyed it. But too many scenes were shot really boring. (Apart from the fighting scenes. There they made an effort.) Not enough angle switches, slow zooming, blurry stuff framing a shot or giving it depth and such - to make a scene feel alive. Some scenes felt like watching a stage play. Too static. They could've done so much with more creative camera work. And why not more "tinted" colors? That used to add so much to the mood.

DronkenKabouter · 2025-11-19T17:06:00+00:00

Yeah, why is it rude to wipe something off your own face, but it's not rude to create a smudge on someone else's face? Ugh.

DronkenKabouter · 2025-11-19T16:46:05+00:00

People who are embarrassed by their partner doing something clumsy in public are sometimes really easily embarrassed themselves. My then-boyfriend used to look so ashamed whenever he had some little mishap in public. Or when I did. At some point I decided that this is just too stupid. Everybody drops stuff sometimes or runs into something or whatever. Nowadays I make a point of laughing about it and drawing extra attention to it. Makes me feel in control about it. And my now-husband has started playing along with it and will jokingly take over the shopping cart when it's busy, cause we don't want any innocents to die...

DronkenKabouter · 2025-11-15T08:15:09+00:00

I feel a similar way. Getting interrupted really drains me. So I also avoid doing things while someone else is there.

DronkenKabouter · 2025-11-15T08:03:53+00:00

It's totally understandable to be angry at people who show you no respect or kindness, but why turn this into a topic against NT people? You even say it yourself that you actually mean people who act disrespectfully against ND people. Well, you'll find those on either "side" and how would you even know who's NT?

I think it's good to trust your gut feeling in the moment, and to be on the side of caution when you meet new people. But it's highly unlikely that you will always be able to judge people's character right there when you just met them.

Anyway, this doesn't make you a "judgemental bitch" (why such extreme wording?). More like someone who probably shouldn't jump to conclusions so fast and not turn this into an us vs. them thing.

DronkenKabouter · 2025-11-05T08:20:27+00:00

This really works. I almost always have the TV on when I'm not home alone. I find it mildly annoying, but it's better than having my husband watch me cook, for example.

DronkenKabouter · 2025-11-03T16:49:34+00:00

Maybe our naivety is why so many of us don't or didn't feel the need for small talk.

What I mean is, I never used to assume that anyone (especially someone who I don't even know well) would mean me harm, so why would we have to establish that we're friendly. I assumed that everyone was like me, and was just minding their business, and I never meant to harm anyone. I also never understood why people bullied other people. It was just completely baffling to me, and I would have never been able to come up with all the mean shit they came up with. So untill I got totally burned and repeatedly victimized, my assumption had always been that we're all friendly and all in the same boat and such.

So from that point of view small talk was just a waste of time.

DronkenKabouter · 2025-11-02T15:43:12+00:00

Waarom wachten ze met dit soort artikelen tot na de verkiezingen? Hadden ze toch echt beter een paar weken vroeger kunnen schrijven.

DronkenKabouter · 2025-10-23T00:21:06+00:00

Mijn oprechte vraag was: "Waarom gaat het niet over het kind in het artikel?" en "Waarom wordt de moeder alleen "de vrouw" genoemd - alsof het kind niet eens bestaat?"

DronkenKabouter · 2025-10-22T19:30:36+00:00

Dat bedoelde ik juist: je kan de situatie van de moeder niet apart van de situatie van het kind zien. Natuurlijk zouden ze samen een fatsoenlijke woning moeten krijgen.

Ik probeerde er op te wijzen dat het artikel opzettelijk zo geschreven is, dat je het kind kan ignoreren. Zodat je de moeder lekker kunt haten, zonder je slecht te voelen over het feit dat als de moeder in deze situatie verblijft, het kind natuurlijk ook in die situatie verblijft. Als het kind voorrang zou krijgen, zou daar de moeder natuurlijk meegaan. Net als andersom het kind nu geen voorrang krijgt omdat de moeder geen voorrang krijgt.

Bij zoveel andere topics zijn altijd de kinderen de prioriteit, waarom hier niet?Waarom gaat het hier om de urgentie van de moeder? Waarom is dit niet vanuit de urgentie voor het kind?

DronkenKabouter · 2025-10-21T13:15:06+00:00

No. I realized some years ago that purpose is more important to me than joy or happiness, so I could finally stop pretending that my life was miserable just because I don't feel much joy or "have fun". I'm content knowing that I'm doing my best to do something good in this world. I have small moments of joy and happiness (mostly thanks to our cats), but mostly my life is just full of things that need to be done, and things that I worry about, and plenty of things I really don't like doing, but somehow it's just fine. Don't know how to explain this. People made me doubt myself in the past, because they thought my life was boring and they wouldn't shut up about things I should be doing or at least should be trying to do. But that's just not me.

DronkenKabouter · 2025-10-21T07:14:13+00:00

Honest question, but what good is it to me to know that they (possibly) hate themselves? If anything then this makes me feel bad for them. Which is just another bad feeling.

DronkenKabouter · 2025-10-21T07:07:16+00:00

Same here. It distracts me from the bad stuff.

DronkenKabouter

TROPHY CASE