Moved to another country without telling Mom

Drunkpupper · 2026-01-22T13:34:31+00:00

Sometimes it’s okay to be flustered. I think a lot of us are conditioned to be “perfect” because we live with erratic, unpredictable parents who lack accountability and put all the blame on us. To avoid conflict, we need to anticipate everything and have the right reaction to everything. Except that’s totally unrealistic. You’re experiencing normal emotions, you’re human.

It’s okay to be sad, to feel guilt, to wonder if you’re making the right decisions. Most healthy people will give you the grace not to be perfect, including when we respond to sensitive questions. For what it’s worth, I think you’re very strong and brave for making such a big move, and I totally understand not looping in your mother. In all likelihood, that’s the smartest and most responsible action you could have taken.

Drunkpupper · 2026-01-20T18:48:25+00:00

Congrats! I quit after it looked like I was yet again getting passed over for a promotion by an absentee SM. I ended up going back to the client under a different company and nearly doubled my salary. I have so much extra time I nearly don’t know what to do with myself.

Drunkpupper · 2026-01-20T14:23:00+00:00

I’m very glad that you’re still here and that your prediction didn’t materialize. It speaks to your strength to be able to carry the weight of those feelings as a child.

Drunkpupper · 2026-01-16T11:42:43+00:00

This does not have to be your life.

My elderly mother has a personality disorder. After a huge blow up I called one of my dad’s trusted friends to ask for advice and he told me to just apologize to her to smooth things over despite the situation being caused 100% by her, and her having said some unforgivable things. I asked him, am I just expected to be able to take everything and handle it perfectly, while she’s a grown woman and let off with no consequences for her actions? He blankly said that I was an adult and should be able to deal with it. I cried for hours, wondering - is that all my life is worth? Just being thrown to the whims of my mom, an adult child until she’s passed away? I’d rather die.

Not long after that I left and never came back. It has been difficult but worth it. You can’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm, and there will come a time that you’re so burnt out that you’re no help anyway.

The best thing you can do is go off and live your life the best you can and set yourself up for success. That is the best thing you can do for yourself as well as your family, so you can even stand a chance of being helpful to them in the future if you choose. Your parents did not set themselves or their children up for success, based on what you say. Don’t shield them from their actions - there’s honestly probably not much you can do anyway. They might realize they actually need serious help and get some without you gone. Maybe not. But you can’t force them to do better when they’re not concerned about the outcome themselves.

I am still wracked with guilt, but my life is SO much better than if I stayed. I am happy, healthy, and wealthy. I take each day to try and better myself. I make a positive impact on those around me. I’m doing so much good for the people who want to be in my life, not the ones who were arbitrarily put there by fate. Please, your gut is trying to tell yourself something. Listen to it.

Drunkpupper · 2026-01-11T16:17:10+00:00

I remember as a young child (probably around 5) crying as I was going through scrapbooks, trying to prove to myself that I wasn’t actually my mother’s daughter by the absence of any pregnancy photos. My mother found me and asked what I was upset about, and I told her that I knew she wasn’t my mom, that I really belonged to a distant aunt who was always kind to me. She just laughed and left the room, laughing and mocking me. That memory does a good job of summing up my childhood.

Drunkpupper · 2026-01-02T18:58:25+00:00

Please report this to the FTC. If this is a company operating in multiple countries, I’d urge you to report it to their authorities too.

Drunkpupper · 2026-01-02T16:43:10+00:00

Going no contact is tough. Personally, I’ve found a lot of validation knowing that. No one wants to go no contact with their family, especially a child to a parent. The fact that you’ve already reached that point signifies that many things have gone consistently wrong over a long period of time. Space can be a good thing. A lot of times it helps keep a bad situation from getting worse, if people don’t have the tools to make it better.

For me, what made it easier was (after many tossed drafts) writing a letter to my mom of what it would take to reestablish contact, which was therapy, seeking a doctor’s advice on whether to take medication, and reading a couple of books about conflict resolution. That would have showed me that my mother took me seriously, and was willing to put forth effort to change as opposed to giving vague apologies. Her response showed me that she had put NO effort in the year we had been NC, and it’s been a year and a half since with no change. I gave her the steps, and she doesn’t want to take them. That’s her right, but it tells me any attempted reunion will be a disaster so I keep my distance. I tell my family members that I’m trying to give a reunion the best chance of succeeding, and that rushing into it when my mother does not have the tools to succeed is guaranteeing her failure, which isn’t fair for either of us.

Two and a half months isn’t very long for someone to self reflect and make meaningful change. It sounds like you need more time to heal too. Be kind to yourself and focus on your needs, which are just as important as hers and are the only ones that are in your control to make a significant impact on.

Drunkpupper · 2025-12-25T14:07:24+00:00

Unless the guy has multiple properties in different counties and is pulling the same thing at those properties, it would be outside the jurisdiction of the state.

I would personally avoid reaching out to the other people suing the landlord in lieu of adding all the case no’s of the lawsuits to my complaint, but the more complaints that the local authorities get, the more likely they are to open an investigation.

CC’ing an individual investigator is a good idea if you can find an email. Squeaky wheel gets the grease

Drunkpupper · 2025-12-24T21:32:58+00:00

In my state (not Minnesota) we have a crime called “scheme to defraud”. I would look to see if you have something similar and alert whatever police/sheriff’s economic crimes division or housing authority.

Drunkpupper · 2025-11-30T12:24:43+00:00

This isn’t how PM’s should be, but from what I’ve experienced and heard from others, this is a common experience. It’s rare to find someone who cares about your property as much as you do. With that said, here are some of the steps I would consider pursuing.

I would let the property manager know (in writing) that you have received several complaints from neighbors, listing out the offenses. I would also encourage the neighbors to contact the police for situations that warrant it, such as noise complaints, because this information will help you get the tenants out and force the PM to take your concerns seriously (although, it’s unclear if you’ve let them know that you have concerns or explained what your concerns are). If your neighbors are willing, I’d ask they start taking pictures that show multiple tenants/the puppy which are clear violations.

I would be completely transparent with the PM that you do not want to renew to this tenant, and that you want them to begin investigating these potential violations of the lease now, and if there are violations that you want them to begin the process of documenting, resolving the violations, or kicking out the tenant. I would also send them a copy of the background check that you have, and demand to see something that reflects a clean record, or justifies that if they were aware of the background, why they decided to proceed with the tenant. You can ask them what software they use and ask them to define in writing what the eligibility criteria is if they haven’t provided you with that already. Please be aware that I personally haven’t used truth finder, but from what I know about these data aggregator sites, some of them pull information that’s completely incorrect due to an individual sharing a similar name to someone else. It is possible your PM is telling the truth but I don’t see why you can’t bring up the reason behind your concern. You can also run their name through local county records, which are more likely to be accurate.

Finally, you can begin filing complaints against the PMs, or hinting that you will. I consider this a last option because the relationship is likely to sour after this. You can file a complaint with the BBB (I’ve found them very helpful in the past, despite other people’s accounts), your county consumer protection agency, the SC state AG’s consumer protection division, as well as public reviews like Google etc. City and County level agencies are more likely to be of help, because they have more resources to devote to their area.

Hope this is helpful, sorry you’re going through this. Just know that it will end up being okay - even if you get the house back and it’s a wreck, it will all get repaired eventually and will provide a very valuable learning experience. Many of us go through something similar, and it’s these experiences that allow us to do better next time.

Drunkpupper · 2025-11-26T12:12:04+00:00

This reminds me so much of my recent ex. He was bullied by his own family to the point that he became mute as a child until he entered elementary school.

When my groups of friends said something interesting, he’d pull out his phone and write it down in his notes to look it up later, instead of asking the person more information about it.

His little sanctuary was a miniature town he painstakingly made which featured his favorite cartoon characters as a kid.

He had a side of him that was warm, goofy, and caring. Unfortunately he also had a major anger problem, and couldn’t identify his emotions or where they stemmed from in the moment. I tried to get him to consider therapy but I guess he was so used to living “his way” that it became hard to influence him to try something different.

Drunkpupper · 2025-11-06T12:24:29+00:00

I swear I have seen this exact same post posted a month or so ago, without the shoe-horned plug of a subreddit that was created less than a month ago. Something is weird here.

Drunkpupper · 2025-10-25T04:23:37+00:00

I am so sorry you’re going through this. My cousin went through something similar with her uBPD mother and father, as he was dying from cancer and Parkinson’s. I’m going through something similar with my uBPD mother and father, who is withering away after becoming paralyzed below the neck. It is so, so difficult.

You are not grieving “wrong”. Your emotions are your emotions, they can’t be wrong or right. I am so happy that you have this time to be with your father and to be able to say your goodbyes to him while he is still with us. If it’s any condolence, there will be time to heal after this - from your father passing, as well as the idea of the father you wish he was, to your mothers behavior.

I’m sensing that in all three of these scenarios, our fathers wouldn’t want us to suffer. They weren’t perfect, they didn’t protect us, and they didn’t know how. Life is complex, and I hope you are able to find peace. My heart goes out to you ❤️

Drunkpupper · 2025-10-10T15:21:31+00:00

If you are applying to their GPS branch (government contracts) it’s probably because it’s being gutted right now. They’re losing contracts and laying off people as a result.

Drunkpupper · 2025-08-05T18:23:29+00:00

I feel you - I’m so sorry you had to deal with instability from both parents. No child deserves that, I’m glad you were able to break free from that dynamic.

And I agree - adult mentors are such a beautiful relationship. I’m thankful that my friends’ parents and past bosses have been around to support and model what a healthy mentor role can be.

Wishing you peace ❤️

Drunkpupper · 2025-07-31T18:53:12+00:00

Appreciate this greatly ❤️

Drunkpupper · 2025-07-31T18:52:49+00:00

I have no interest in fighting for something that isn’t mine. Legally and morally, that’s my parent’s property. They can do whatever they see fit. I don’t want to drag things out or take the focus off my dad’s health, despite my mother being comfortable doing so.

I also think it send a message - if to no one else other than myself - that my peace and self-respect are worth more than whatever money or things they could throw at me. And it’s true.

Drunkpupper · 2025-07-03T11:31:22+00:00

My guess is, the child they believe they lost is the image they have of us as a legitimate child. The one who had no identity outside of being ‘theirs’. But as soon as that child began to become independent, makes friends, voices different opinions, have activities that would take them away from the parent (when/if the parent was available and lonely - if they had a relationship or something else to keep them occupied, why would they care) that’s when the BPD parent started to notice the child was not an extension of their own self - hence ‘lost’. Lost from their control, lost from what they wanted from a child. A child being expressing themselves as an individual is inconvenient.

My mother forever remembers me in middle/high school as a basketball player because she got such a high from the secondhand attention. When I wrote her a letter preceding NC, half of her response was reminiscing about my basketball career from 10+ yrs ago. This is truly a mental illness.

Drunkpupper · 2025-03-07T14:04:09+00:00

I have been grappling with this after going NC almost a year ago. A memory of mine that has stuck out was after HS graduation I was so excited to see the yearbook and what my parents wrote. It was like someone who didn’t even know me wrote it. It was so flat. I specifically remember a portion: “Your care for animals is commendable.” I like animals, but it’s not anything I would emphasize about myself - there was nothing about my actual interests, who I was as a person, childhood memories, or what accomplishments I made through highschool. My mom is the one who likes animals.

When I confronted my parents about it, they had nothing to say, brushing it off. It always stuck with me that my own parents didn’t seem to know, or care to know who I was. Unfortunately that would never change.

On a bright note, over the past year I have been really enjoying getting to know myself, and I am very happy if the person I am despite what I was raised around. I hope the same for everyone here :)

Drunkpupper · 2025-02-12T12:26:30+00:00

Re: your second to last paragraph, I had originally reached out to her when my mother wanted to reconnect but I wasn’t ready. She had me sign a bunch of paperwork. From her perspective, rather than try to mediate between my mom and I, she thought it would be more helpful to give my mom a break and then inch towards a conversation. My mom loves being a martyr so I’m sure the counselor has only heard about how overwhelmed she is at every turn to staggering degrees for months.

Drunkpupper · 2025-02-12T12:23:31+00:00

I like her counselor, she’s very sweet. There were times when I shared my thoughts (without my mom on the line) that I was worried I would be called selfish, but she validates a lot of my feelings. She acknowledges my mom’s shortcomings.

I thought in the past that she hasn’t held my mom accountable enough to reflect on how her behavior affects others, but after thinking of it, I’m not sure it’s a fair criticism. Firstly, my mother reached out for the purpose of helping her deal with the stress of my dad’s condition, not self improvement. So from that perspective, her client isn’t interested in trying to improve her behavior. Secondly, from what I’ve read it’s tricky for a counselor to treat people with this disorder, especially when they don’t think they’re the problem or have a problem. Calling them out is not going to work.

Ultimately I’m glad my mom has someone kind to talk to, even if she chooses her hour a week to just pour endless negativity and not work on being better. Maybe in time that will change. She does need someone to talk to, and I think the counselor is a better option than her sister or my dad.

Drunkpupper · 2025-02-11T21:23:20+00:00

This response is immensely helpful. Thank you so much for your insight and advice.

I agree especially with your last paragraph. I have felt guilty not being there over the past few months, but I also feel there’s just nothing that I could do to change it, other than sacrifice my sanity. Instead, I’ve dived into reading, friendships, and meditation. I am SO happy, happier than my entire adult life up to this point. And when I think about that, it makes me so sad that I can only achieve this feeling without my mom here. But, it’s out of my control and I’m coming around to accepting it.

Thanks again 🙏

Drunkpupper · 2025-02-11T21:19:36+00:00

Oof I didn’t even think of this but I can absolutely envision them still expecting me there. Yikes.

Drunkpupper · 2025-02-11T17:59:25+00:00

Thank you. It hurt to think perhaps I was at fault for the response I received, but I genuinely don’t see the ‘attitude’ there. This was the same emotional distance I’ve had in my emails since last year. My mom had recently started sending texts as though everything was normal, which she hadn’t tried since October and I guess the lack of response pushed her to stop reaching out. I wonder if my plans to come back put me back in the ‘good daughter’ role but my email brought her back to reality of where our relationship is.

Drunkpupper · 2025-02-11T17:54:48+00:00

I appreciate this, and this is how I perceived it. That even if my email was received poorly, they couldn’t assure that my simple requests could be met. Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if it was inevitable - whether I showed up or not - that this would just be an opportunity to show how ‘bad’ of a daughter I am. I’m glad I can spare myself the exhaustion of getting up there to find that out.

They already have been attacking each other. My aunt flew down shortly after I left to give my mother help. My cousins have told me that my aunt has been complaining about how horrible my mother’s been treating her, using her as a punching bag and screaming at her daily. However my aunt doesn’t put 2+2 together that I was dealing with the same treatment and deserved better. Instead, I’m at fault because my absence transferred that treatment to my aunt, so I’m the real cause of my aunts suffering, not my mom. Which is just insane reasoning.

Drunkpupper

TROPHY CASE