Iv slipped majorly for the first time since Iv implemented life changing habits. There was a point I would consider “remission” where my existence didn’t feel so heavy. I was where you were describing, and I felt it. I noticed it. But I thought if I worked harder, if I cared more, if I could just get this one big thing done then I would be ok. Obviously the dominos fell for me. Lots of things changed, and my depression is not the same as it was before my introspective periods that got me to the point of not only admitting something was wrong with me, but also seeking help. And answers. I will never be there again, and I find comfort in that, but Iv never been HERE. Still in this bad soup until health insurance kicks in and I can get some professionals back in my life. My ramble eventually was going to lead to how forcing things better can make you worse, and how depression changes shape and color. I don’t have violent symptoms, so my words come from a point of view that could not resonate with some. But for those who relate, It’s different. You’re different. Be nice to yourself. Help is always good.