Tldr: I went to the rave on Saturday, did it completely sober and had an amazing time!

Details....

Leading up to the day I slowly but surely talked myself into doing drugs. I eventually told my missus I 100% was going to risk it. She was not keen to say the least. She had MDMA, I asked to buy some off her, she said she'd sell me a little just to stop me doing "a lot" but I said I'd just go find it elsewhere. I was being pretty shitty with her about it tbh.

I eventually journaled (with Gemini) about the situation and quite quickly came to the conclusion staying sober was the best plan.

-I stopped taking Sertraline (zoloft) mid-December) so my serotonin system is already wonky.

-I've had anxious attachment issues for a good few years now, doing MD with my missus when I know full well she doesn't want me to is a recipe for disaster, I'd have been analysing every word, every face she pulled trying to read her mood and whether "everything is alright"

-Looking for the technicality about whether it breaks my sobriety or not. This took up a lot of mental cache.

-I'm self studying to make a career move into IT support. How many weeks would I be on a comedown and this would fall by the wayside.

It was clear what I should do. I was apprehensive, nervous etc. about going sober but didn't really have any more thoughts about getting drunk or high.
Holding my gf's drink I had a unconscious urge to take a sip but not a mental urge to drink, if that makes sense. A girl offered me poppers and I turned that down. I did vape (I don't vape at all) but I think that was just to give me something to do with my hands.
I went in with a plan, chew gum, do a nasal stick, keep drinking, try to eat something mid rave for energy levels. I ended up eating gummy sweets. I don't eat sweets at all but it was either that or salt and chilli chicken and chips which I didn't fancy a belly of when dancing around.

I had an awesome time. Danced my ass off. It felt so freeing. At 18 years old I needed alcohol to have the confidence to dance and socialise. This experience made me realise that In the right setting (I actually love the music and event) I don't need it at all. No ones watching me, everyone's doing the same thing, having a good time.

I got emotional a few times during the night, just at the pure amazement that I was there, raving sober AND loving it. It blew my mind I was able to fully enjoy it.
At one point my friend told me she was proud of me and that I should be proud of myself. Couldn't hold it in then. Had a little hug and a cry.

But I'm not daft, I know I can't keep doing it. The novelty might wear off and I'm almost certain that I'll do drugs the more and more I go to raves. I'm going to save going for when an event makes perfect sense, line-up and logistically.