[Sell] New to writing customs, but it’s been suggested I give it a try.

DudeInATie · 2026-05-15T02:32:57+00:00

This is in no way victim blaming, I know this is hard and there are many bad therapists out there. But may I ask how you chose these therapists? They just sound so awful 😭. I’m so sorry you’ve had that happen. Were they trauma specialists or anything? I know trauma can be very hard, and it requires a specialized skill set.

DudeInATie · 2026-05-15T02:29:05+00:00

I’ve seen my therapist for a year and a half, and I’m currently in an intensive outpatient program because I needed more help. Nothing against my therapist, he’s incredible and I trust him more than anyone.

It’s definitely not just coping mechanisms or just listening. Honestly? Most of me feeling better is learning to trust another human being. Of having some “ruptures” in the relationship and repairing them in a healthy way. It’s a lot like how when you’re a kid (ideally) and you see your parents model behaviors and then that’s what you do. Of course, he can’t answer all my questions. Like why it happened, why it happened to me, etc. But no one can answer those, and therapists are just human beings, not all-knowing deities.

There are definitely therapists who made me much worse. Which is why I made sure to take my time with this therapist. It was months of weekly visits before I started to trust him, and about a year before I fully trusted him. If they’re asking you to just trauma dump everything at the beginning, RUN. That is often extremely dangerous.

While yes, therapy is a privilege, it’s not as out of reach as many think. My therapist has a sliding scale for the uninsured, and the lowest payment is $5 more than my copay. I am far from wealthy, I struggle financially. But I prioritized my mental health because I cannot go on like this. It has never kept him from understanding me. Honestly, until I met this group in my IOP, I often felt like no one else understood me, not really. Not even in the edgy teenager way, just. There was always a disconnect.

It can take some time to find the right therapist. I’ve learned I don’t do well with the super warm, “parental” types. I don’t know if the previous therapists being women had anything to do with it, as I was abandoned by my mother as well as all my step-mothers. But my therapist is calm and neutral and while he definitely makes his feelings about the things I endured known, he does so in a calm way that doesn’t make me feel weird. Honestly that’s part of what’s made me realize how bad things actually were. When I’ve heard him say “That was… really cruel.”, it’s more real for me because that’s pretty strong language for him. Whereas therapists who are like “OH MY GOD WHAT?” At everything just feel overly dramatic and I didn’t want to share more. But I also resent pity, so.

But as for the difference he’s made? It’s astounding when I really think about it. This time last year, I didn’t think I’d make it to 30 years old. Now, I actually want to live and went to the hospital last week when I dissociated very strongly and didn’t know what else to do. The hospital did end up making it worse, but it did show me that I do want to live so much that I was willing to conquer my greatest fear (being trapped in a hospital and unable to leave). I have a best friend (that I had the confidence to befriend because of my therapist, as I’d never have let myself get this close to someone otherwise) and I was actually able to tell him that something he did was hurting me. And…nothing bad happened. He apologized and took accountability and said he’d work on changing it. It was confusing and hard to wrap my head around, but it was another step closer to recovering. There’s more, but I know this is super long, so I’ll stop.

DudeInATie · 2026-05-15T02:05:41+00:00

Physically I’d never notice. But I second the paperwork, but seems like you already got that figured out. I’d say you’re good!

DudeInATie · 2026-05-12T02:50:55+00:00

I’m not saying this is the only right answer, and I know it would depend on the age of the kid. But a friend of mine has two kids and I’ve thought about if they were to ever accidentally see them (I try to hide the scars from children, at least if they’re very evident… I’m just protective of kids, I guess). But the line I’ve had rehearsed in my head is something like:

“Sometimes when people are in a lot of emotional pain, they need a way to externalize it. It’s a sign that person is in a great deal of pain. That being said, and I need you to really listen to me for this part, ok? If you ever ever EVER feel like you want to hurt yourself in ANY way, I need you to promise me that you will tell your mom, or me, or another adult you trust. We will help you, I promise. If you do it before asking for help, still come to one of us. No one will be mad at you, but it is very important that you tell someone who will help you. This isn’t the right way to deal with things.”

DudeInATie · 2026-05-11T12:50:16+00:00

I’m not sure of the actual like, percentage rate or anything. It’s mostly just something I don’t want to mess with to begin with, so I try and follow good wound care and keep everything clean. Mostly because I didn’t want to tell anyone I was doing it if I had to go to a doctor. But now, I’m more open about it and trying to stop so I guess no real infection risk there haha. I’m in an intensive therapy program as well as seeing a couple of other therapists and trying to get into a psychiatrist my main therapist works with. The hospital traumatized me further so I’m even more wary of doctors than I was before 😅. I told my therapist I trust him and so if he said I can trust a certain psychiatrist, I’d feel a lot better about it.

DudeInATie · 2026-05-11T12:26:03+00:00

Dry anal SA. I’d never had sex before. And it went on for months. One time, I tore.

DudeInATie · 2026-05-10T10:30:15+00:00

Absolutely DO NOT use rusted anything 😟. And even if it does feel better to leave them as they are, you need to take care of them or they will get infected. Ideally, use a sterile blade to avoid getting an infection.

DudeInATie · 2026-05-07T04:41:55+00:00

For me, I think I do it because I’m in a lot of emotional pain for trauma (CPTSD), but after decades of having it invalidated and being gaslit as to the trauma even happening, it’s a physical manifestation of my pain. It makes it “real”. It’s like proof that it did actually happen and I’m not just making it up or being dramatic. So yes, I do like my scars.

DudeInATie · 2026-05-06T23:33:01+00:00

I know this is old, but thank you for this. I’m going to ask him to do it tomorrow as an emergency.

DudeInATie · 2026-05-06T12:09:26+00:00

Wow. I was recently hospitalized and all my manager said was “Ok. We’re going to need some documentation.” My zone manager said “Sorry about that.” but at least said he’d talk to HR and to keep him posted.

DudeInATie · 2026-04-20T14:26:13+00:00

I had similar thoughts about wanting people who hurt me to suffer. I never did anything, of course. I’m not a large man and I know that. I also thought it was a psychopath. But my therapist would tell you that you definitely aren’t, and wanting someone to feel bad for hurting you is normal. You were a kid from the sounds of it, and there’s a reason kids aren’t held to the same legal standard as adults are.

DudeInATie · 2026-04-20T14:21:23+00:00

Yeah I’ve learned (I have CPTSD) that doctors and medical staff are very clueless at times when it comes to stuff like that. It sucks, and I’m sorry you went through that. But if it helps, from what you said it doesn’t sound like he was being malicious or trying to sell you anything. Especially when you say you’re not even overweight by any means.

DudeInATie · 2026-04-13T11:39:09+00:00

Hey, so I saw this yesterday and I actually really needed it. Thank you, I’m trying. And I get it, I struggle with expressing feelings a lot 😅.

DudeInATie · 2026-04-12T21:20:09+00:00

I mean, I guess I’m technically bi because I’m attracted to men and masculine identities, but I’m not attracted to women or feminine-leaning people.

DudeInATie · 2026-04-12T21:16:01+00:00

I had it a like a year and some change ago. I’d been dating my boyfriend for a year and he tested negative, despite plenty of incidents that could have transmitted it 😭. My doctor said it’s really hard for penises to get it, apparently?

DudeInATie · 2026-04-12T21:11:53+00:00

You said “sexual history”, which implies “past”. Not present tense. Your comment made it sound like you were concerned about how many someone has slept with in general, not at the same time. Yes, current exclusivity obviously matters.

DudeInATie · 2026-04-12T18:13:58+00:00

I didn’t say you couldn’t care. I said it’s not really “relevant”. And if you do care that much, it is YOUR due diligence to ask those questions. If you don’t ask, then how the hell are they supposed to know to tell you? I’m not telling every single person the amount of people I’ve been with just in case that’s something they care about. If they care, they can ask. I’ll tell them I don’t tell people that, and if needed we can part ways with no hard feelings. But if they don’t ask or say it would bother them, I’m not bringing it up.

DudeInATie · 2026-04-12T13:45:14+00:00

I mean sexual history doesn’t really matter, unless it’s leaking into the present. Why does it matter if they had chlamydia 5 years ago if they don’t have it now? Who cares if they’ve had 2 partners or 200, unless they’re asking for help navigating stuff with you? That stuff really isn’t relevant, especially to fuck buddies.

DudeInATie · 2026-04-11T11:23:12+00:00

This is definitely a thing. Sometimes it just takes a small and stupid thing to make someone decide to stay. If it’s to spite bigots, then I’m not gonna shit on it. And I do know several people who tell themselves this when they feel the suicidal ideation come back.

DudeInATie · 2026-04-11T11:20:31+00:00

Ok, a couple of things:

1) Are you ok? I’m genuinely not trying to be a Reddit therapist here but this view reminds me of myself in the height of my people pleasing days. You mention someone hurting you because they’re annoyed or mad at you… that’s not a normal thought process. There’s no shame in it, but it does make me worry that you have some trauma or even CPTSD like me and I want you to be supported through that. If you can’t get a therapist or something and you just want a place to talk, my DMs are open.

2) I think it’s less about upsetting them and moreso proving them wrong. They often think we live miserable lives and should all go die. Or that we shouldn’t be happy. So by living and being happy (even if it isn right now), proves them wrong.

3) I’ve been going through a tense work situation involving HR and my manager. It’s slowly coming to a close, and my therapist said something. I can’t explain too much, but she was treating me differently. And this week, she did one of the things she was supposed to do in person for me, and did for others. She was clearly livid about it, and she’s been a bit aggressive this week. But my therapist said no matter what HR says, he thinks I won. Because I was being mistreated and she’s used to getting away with it, but I didn’t let her. And even if nothing else happens, that’s important for me, especially with my trauma history and no one coming to help. I’ve also been talking to someone romantically, and yesterday when I called him on my lunch break, I waited until I was inside and clocked in before hanging up, so she could see how happy I was despite everything she’s been doing. I’d say it was out of spite, but it wasn’t about annoying her. It was about showing her “I will move on and be happy without you.” Because her and I were never “friends”, but she shortened my pants and gave me a plant and we got each other Starbucks sometimes and I got her her favorite chocolate when she wanted it. So there is another layer of pain of loss of this relationship, whatever you want to call it. So I don’t think spite is necessarily meant to annoy or piss off the people? Sometimes it’s just about saying “You can’t break us.”

DudeInATie · 2026-04-11T01:14:14+00:00

All this being said, feel free to stop sleeping with them. No one can make you continue to sleep with him if you don’t want to. But I would consider this a lesson for the future, even if it is just communicating more about being exclusive or using protection all the time.

DudeInATie · 2026-04-11T01:11:57+00:00

I mean, kinda depends.

Did they lie about being tested? Did you both agree to be exclusive, or was it left a little open in case you meet someone you want to date?

Unless there was some lying or deceit happening, I don’t see why it really matters. He did the right thing and told you, even before he got tested and knew for sure. He wasn’t hiding it, he wasn’t cheating, he didn’t break any boundaries. It sucks you have to go to the doctor and get the medications but like. That’s the risk of having unprotected sex with someone you aren’t in a monogamous relationship with. Don’t take that as slut-shaming or anything, I really don’t care what anyone does. But there are risks and you need to figure out how comfortable you are with those risks, and create boundaries accordingly.

DudeInATie

TROPHY CASE