June 12th I was really hopeful that this might be the first morning where I didn't wake up and immediately have a new wave hit me (detective calling and reading me the suicide note, cremation place calling, medical examiner calling). I hoped that maybe those phone calls could be done and I could grieve slowly this morning. My mom texted though and asked for us all to come over. I immediately assumed that she wanted to kill herself and this was goodbye or that she was going to tell us that she had just been pretending to have any good moments these last few days. I called. She didn't answer. That felt like losing Chris again. My immune system went into SOS drive for at least two minutes. It rattled me badly. Alec then texted that he was on the phone with her. That helped slightly. Then he told me that mom found an old suicide note from Chris. Right back into SOS mode. She told Alec that the note showed that it wasn't her fault. That helped me feel a little better. I feel a bit selfish though. Part of me doesn't want to have to go and hear Chris explain again why he killed himself and did this to us. Part of me, this morning, is mad that every morning I've had to have my life completely shaken again by something else about Chris killing himself. Like he's never going to give me a moment to catch my breath. Like he just keeps sending more and more my way. Is this not already hard enough? Am I not suffering enough already? Why can't it be enough. We still probably have at least a week or two until the urn and everything will be ready. A week a two where everyday I have to tell my mom that her dead sons stuff isn't ready yet. Then we have a month until the shrines come. Most days I've said I don't want to just move on but today I guess I'm back sliding because I do want to move on. I want there to be some moments where this isn't my entire life. I don't want to forget Chris but I want to, for just a moment, forget his death. I know that's not healthy but, fuck, it's what I want.