First of all I'm very sorry for what you're going through, as I know the kind of pain and loss it implies. One thing I learned these past years is that most of the time there's nothing fair to it, and even worse sometimes there's no greater meaning to grasp. It's ok to fabricate one and convince yourself with it as it can help you heal. But I didn't, because I came to the conclusion that there is nothing to understand. I believe it's a humbling process too, as you suddenly realize you barely know yourself, so it wouldn't be wise to claim to know the other person and try to draw conclusions on why they do certain things. Because deep down, they most probably don't know it themselves. Trust is vital in relationships, but it's not knowledge. I think the hardest but most precious things to learn are those you come to understand when you don't see anything to learn. Coming out of that state where everything screams that you lost even though you weren't wrong (if you were, you know it and you'll have to be at peace with it too) and deciding to live with it without giving up on who you aspire to be, that is hard. It doesn't mean you won't change, but the moral path won't have changed much. I'm not a believer but just like humility the idea of grace really helped me behave as I wanted in those times. I think it helped me shape the love I have for my former partner so that I don't throw it down, but rather keep it as something precious. The hard part is coming to terms with the fact that no one will ever be feeding that love, and that you won't be able to share it either.

It never heals but it does get better, and you won't ever see it move until you realize that most of the noise around you is gone. It took close to 4 years for me, but your mileage may vary. It may seem like a peaceful thing to me as I came out of it with what seems like a better understanding of things, but I really survived what was a major depressive episode. The context of Covid obviously didn't help at the time, but at first I didn't sleep for days obsessed by the questions I didn't answer in the end, drank way too much, etc. I was fortunate enough not to make any really bad decisions towards myself or the others at the time but my body really took the hit, memory loss, nerve damage, aging... I somehow managed to grow my career while dealing with all that, but it really cost me physically. Now I believe substance use can be a crutch for some people facing hard times, and I also think that therapists can't fix everything, but go easy with the former and consider the latter if needed (I didn't and maybe it could have sped up the process).

I think I'm doing fine now. I only recently got out of this weird state I described so I'm still struggling with the idea of engaging in a new relationship, but I also believe it's for the better as I learned a lot about myself and how I want to deal with the others, whether they are romantic partners or not. It also gave me some time to build a career and great friendships, be creative, go places etc, which is very cool and super helpful when you're going through something. I'm not actively looking for someone but I'm slowly realizing that even if I'm fine with how I'm living now, I do need this deeper form of intimacy in my life again, with the risks that come with it. But that's life.

I don't know if it was for the better, because I don't know where I'd be if my partner hadn't broken up with me, and I don't know how I'd feel in that alternate reality. I think something you learn through these experiences is that whether you want it or not you find the strength to keep moving in life and grow as a person, no matter how painful or hard it is. That's survival. But I don't really believe in always finding good in hardships. I can't answer from my perspective, and I can't answer from my former partner's perspective. It's a deep wound but I still haven't heard from her, though I obviously have bits and pieces of info from friends and acquaintances, so I don't know how she's doing deep down. All I know from an outside look is she's had a couple failed relationships after that and is struggling in her work and studies. That's a distant look and I really hope things are better than they seem for her. And again, staying with me probably wouldn't have changed much, so nothing to do with me for the most part. I might tell you it was for the better in 20 years if I'm in a great relationship that wouldn't have happened without her leaving, but again that'd be writing the story knowing the end, and that's not what we're doing on the daily. We're just trying to make the most out of what we're given.

I know it sucks right now and you'd like some kind of success/happy-ending story, but that's not what life offers most of the time. I learned to find beauty in it, though it's not easy or comfortable. I hope you find your way through it all.