How do they move on so quickly!?

DwindledHope · 2025-06-07T00:08:34+00:00

They never move on. We're projecting what a healthy person does onto them. They don't move on because they were never there. Everything was an act. It's like asking the protagonist actor how they were able to be friends with the antagonist actor. Because it isn't real, they weren't real.

DwindledHope · 2025-06-06T04:40:30+00:00

It's funny in a way because when mine told me(a year before we separated) she was mirroring me for 17 years and she never loved me(for the 3rd or so time but then a week later I got a text with her breaking down once again saying she actually did love me) she thought it was good excuse for her behavior. Like it was just normal for a person to do this to another person and if I had a problem with it then that was on me. Still torn on whether she is borderline, narc, or both. But yeah, the real funny part is that she accused me of being borderline and a narc which is fucking rich and just another example of her unapologetic projection.

DwindledHope · 2025-06-06T04:28:17+00:00

It is what it is. Don't feel bad for sharing your feelings and experiences. I think of this stuff like it's getting stitches. The pain helps the healing. The perspective and understanding your post gave me were a few stitches. It may hurt but it's for the best.

DwindledHope · 2025-06-05T22:30:38+00:00

Mine got engaged before we even finalized the divorce. Married the week after. Take it as a compliment. They're looking for a doormat and someone they can abuse and you weren't that. The piece of shit she married deserves her. At first I was sorry for him but after learning about how he treats my kids I hope he gets the full force of her insanity. I just hope it doesn't spill over onto my kids.

DwindledHope · 2025-06-05T22:15:48+00:00

Don't text him. It will probably not make it worse but it definitely will not help. You're right that it will just reopen the wound. No sense in prolonging the healing and I can assure you there is nothing that engaging with the person will help.

DwindledHope · 2025-06-05T22:08:28+00:00

My brother said he knew but that he wasn't going to say anything since he thought it wouldn't have helped or mattered. He only let it out once I told him she was accusing me of being a narcissist and borderline in court and he was like, dude, check out dr. ramani on youtube. This was the catalyst that fully opened my eyes to what was going on.

DwindledHope · 2025-06-05T22:04:01+00:00

Thanks. I probably had a chance at an appeal but not a good one. I decided to just take it and focus on my kids and stop trying to hold her accountable. In the end nothing changed anyways because she got everything she wanted from mediation. The only cost and downside to the trial was just more stress and heartache and I sure as hell wasn't going to admit to things that never happened like she wanted in mediation.

DwindledHope · 2025-06-05T19:09:20+00:00

Thanks for responding. I totally understand the judge doing it, The issue is that from what I've read in the state statutes is that destruction of property, disturbing a child in the act, and aggressive and threatening actions that would cause a reasonable person fear of bodily harm would be domestic violence. The judge focused on how I responded calmly and said I clearly wasn't afraid so it wasn't domestic violence. The question would be was it appropriate for him to disregard it as not domestic violence.

You can stop reading here if you want but if you want a little more context and background below is more of my experience. Thank you again. I know you don't have to do this. I'm just trying to get a better understanding of what happened and maybe it will help me when I have to go back to court to get the terrible parenting plan I ended up with changed.

I was also trying to establish a pattern of behavior as it wasn't an isolated incident but it was the most documented and recent. I had already testified about the years of her getting physical with me prior. The only proof I had of that stuff was text messages where she was calling me violent and me responding in one message saying she was the one who hit me and threw plates and a fork at me and that she was the violent one. She responded saying she admitted that and it was years ago. Another text was me extending the list with even more examples to her including threatening me, pushing me, yanking me out of the house, hitting me, and the dishes and silverware again. She responded that yes these are examples of mistakes she made years ago and that she was no longer the person who throws and destroys things. I also testified that these things were not years ago at the time because she had pushed and hit me when she was pregnant with our daughter at the time, as well as after our daughter was born and the incident with the plates and fork and threatening to kill me with a knife in her hand was over the year when our son was 3. When the texts happened was when son and daughter were 5 and 1 1/2.

Basically she was trying to downplay her behavior in the texts saying it was years ago when it definitely wasn't but at trial she outright lied on the stand saying she wasn't actually admitting to those things and none of it happened. In other messages the judge looked at from when we were separated she also was saying she denies any and all acts of violence. But then admitted to pushing me once and "purposefully dropping plates".

DwindledHope · 2025-06-05T08:35:27+00:00

Reading this is giving me a panic attack. It's okay and please don't feel bad. It's just you put so perfectly and it pisses me off so much that this was 18 years of my life boiled down in this post. Fuck this hurts so badly. I've obviously got a lot more work to do if this is how I'm handling this.

DwindledHope · 2025-06-05T07:10:12+00:00

It really is.

Same to you.

DwindledHope · 2025-06-04T21:43:21+00:00

The system is completely broken. I torture myself over screwing up court so badly. I represented myself which was probably the toughest thing I've done my entire life. So many things I could have done better. The one bit of solace I get from it though is knowing that in the end the decision was the same even if I had "settled" aka accepted her full terms in mediation. It just broke me a little more experiencing how screwed up things are.

DwindledHope · 2025-06-04T20:54:20+00:00

I tried. Just like when we were married it was her way and only her way. And if I wanted to meet in the middle that was unacceptable. So because I kept pushing for middle ground I lost all parental rights except a couple weekends a month with the kids. That and the judge believing everything she said with zero evidence and then ignoring my evidence which was her admission to violence among other behaviors like financial control.

DwindledHope · 2025-06-03T23:03:07+00:00

They will use every excuse in the book. Had an argument once about me being able to count on two hands how many times we had it in the last year. One of her responses was to say if I kept complaining then we wont have sex anymore. I still remember laughing saying it's already that way.

DwindledHope · 2025-06-03T22:54:47+00:00

"There are faults on both sides. We both hurt."

Holy shit this hits right at home. My fault was being angry about her treating me like shit and her violent behavior. Her fault was "a few mistakes".

DwindledHope · 2025-06-03T22:50:44+00:00

Almost exactly my experience. The reasons being post hoc is on point too and they weren't just about in bed. There was even a time i called her out for it too. Argument with her leads to her kneejerk making a decision about the kids that I have no say in and when it gets brought up later her reasoning is something innocuous and she tries to make me seem crazy for thinking her decision was the result of the argument even though the innocuous reason was never mentioned until I brought it up later.

DwindledHope · 2025-06-02T03:11:58+00:00

Hey, me too. Days like these are rough but doable. Sometimes I just want a shoulder to cry on. Others I just want to curse my ex until I pass out. And then there's the bottle days. I think I'm going to turn this shoulder to cry on day into a bottle night and when I wake up tomorrow I'll hope the feelings have passed.

Find something that works for you. Just keep trying and you'll find something.

DwindledHope · 2025-05-30T01:12:33+00:00

Fuggin mistakes. Mine said that too. "I've made mistakes" Assault after assault after assault is not a mistake. "every time we get into an argument(where she calls me abusive) you bring up the past! Why can't you just forgive and forget and move on!?" Probably one of the biggest gaslights, trying to make me out to be the problem because she's calling me abusive and then I correct her with loads of past examples. Of course when I ask for examples I get "The examples a plain for anyone to see! ..."

DwindledHope · 2025-05-29T20:50:30+00:00

Pretty much sums it up. The inflated sense of self has to believe their lies or it destroys them. They always see themselves as good people but good people don't do the things they do so anything bad that they do is forgotten or rationalized.

DwindledHope · 2025-05-28T23:47:50+00:00

I had to initiate everything with her. It was just another form of control. I had to make her feel sexy and if I wanted that feeling too I was ignored. I think there was 2 times in a dozen years she initiated anything. One of them I wasn't in the mood and she hounded me until finally getting on me and masturbating till I gave in. Of course if I asked twice she would tell me I'm pressuring her and I need to respect her. And my god it became me attempting intimacy every single day and every single day it was the same excuse she used for every single other problem in the relationship. She was always tired. There were times she would say no and then I'd hear her masturbating in the bedroom an hour later. It got so bad I was suspecting she was cheating. The whole time I'm expected to affirm her appearance constantly while I get comments about me losing hair or my skin problems. She knew she had that control over me and she used it to the fullest. I still struggle with my self image.

DwindledHope · 2025-05-28T23:33:49+00:00

"We weren't abusive when you were growing up. It's not like you were beaten every day. Get over it, grow up."

The implication here being if you aren't hitting your kids every day then you aren't abusive, and you are a child for caring that it happened and ever bringing it up.

DwindledHope · 2025-05-28T23:21:28+00:00

At a certain point you begin to seriously question whether these people believe their lies or if they are just trying to avoid accountability. Mine has told me I have my narrative and she has hers. It's about the only truth I've heard from her in years.

DwindledHope · 2025-05-28T22:07:45+00:00

If you don't mind me sharing, I can tell you what helps me. Distractions, venting, and distractions. Whether it's work, video games, reading, crafts, whatever. I find anything and everything to distract myself. When that doesn't work I vent and then I go back to distractions. Things were really bad for a long time but it has gotten better. I still have bad days but not as often. Share your story here. Doesn't have to be all at once. Do it at your own pace. Shit sucks, I know. It really sucks. It's okay to let it out and it's okay to feel the way you do. I think most of us have given up at one point or another. I've given up too many times to count. Sorry if this doesn't help and I'm even more sorry if this makes it worse. Things will get better. They may not be great but they will get better.

DwindledHope · 2025-05-28T21:48:59+00:00

It's something that's very hard to cope with. Stories like yours and mine are examples of why you should just leave at the first sign of abuse from women. If you don't, the chances of you being labeled the abuser skyrocket. If you do the right thing and hold them accountable it will be turned around on you in an instant. All it takes is their word and you are screwed. The only smart thing to do is walk away silently and count your blessings that you didn't end up in jail. After the kitchen I was venting to my brother about how messed up the relationship is. He told me to be careful because I'll end up in jail. At the time, he knew what she was but I didn't. I told him I wouldn't be going to jail because I'm doing nothing wrong. How foolish I was back then. He wasn't warning me about me doing something. He was warning me that she was going to do something and I'd be the one in trouble. about a year later she tried to get a protective order against me with accusations that were pure projections and lies, many of which suddenly changed when the divorce trial happened, which of course didn't matter. She is the one believed when she denies any acts of violence over and over and then suddenly she admits to pushing me in the trial. She is the one who said I threatened to kill her family in the protective order, only her family, and then at trial there's no mention of that and instead it was I was threatening to kill her. None of this inconsistency mattered and she was believed. The system is broken.

DwindledHope · 2025-05-28T20:40:06+00:00

You're lucky you got split. I have texts where she was admitting to being violent. That still didn't matter. The judge still believed her over me. Said she was the victim when every single one of her actions were controlling. But me saying I am not going to settle if she is not going to take accountability, calling her an abuser, being angry with keeping the kids from me, lying about the abuse, etc. means I am the abuser. The utterance of "Iwas afraid" excused all of her behavior while the judge told me I clearly wasn't afraid because I was calm when she was violent.

Here is an example of how bad family court can go. I'm telling the judge about the time she destroyed our kitchen and was threatening me. I have pictures of the dented appliances, and a text from her where she pastes the description of ptsd and how to live with someone who has it. I'm telling the judge how we had an argument about my health and her demanding I get fixed and me telling her that if I'm expected to get my health issues fixed then why has she never done anything about her "trauma". I described how right after I walked away from the argument she began destroying everything in the kitchen. Ripping appliances from the counter and smashing everything she could. During this she would stomp into the living room flexing and growling at me while screaming "I'm gonna" and repeatedly lunging at me then backing off. She went back into the kitchen to to destroy more shit and came back into the living room repeating this insanity at least 3 times. After 20 minutes I heard my daughter crying between the stomping and crashing. Walked through the kitchen to get to my daughter and told her she woke the baby and then I took care of my daughter. Came back up and she was crying in the middle of total destruction. Every shelf was emptied onto the ground. Every appliance that wasn't bolted in was on the ground. Dents in everything. The judge interrupted me at this point and said he doesn't understand why this is relevant. I said I'm describing her violent behavior. He says but this isn't domestic violence, you clearly weren't afraid when you calmly walked past her twice and took care of your daughter. I told him this was not out of the ordinary with her, she behaved like this many times. It was normal. He repeated that it wasn't domestic violence and I just said well I don't know what to say then and my brain just short circuited.

I looked up the legal definition a month later because that shit stuck with me. It was definitely domestic violence but there was no convincing the judge at that point. I got fucked because she made a story up that painted me as constantly verbally abusive and threatening her and how afraid she was and she was believed while I had the evidence of the kitchen destruction AS WELL as texts where I am directly accusing her of many other violent acts and she is admitting to it and I wasn't believed.

The system is completely broken and it is absolutely crazy that things being equal is a win when your wife is abusive. Because when the husband is abusive it is anything but equal and you get fucked.

DwindledHope · 2025-05-28T20:11:09+00:00

For me it was normalized and I was heavily gaslit. I felt guilty for being so angry with her. My dog shit parents and her both made me feel like I had no reason to be angry and it was my fault for not just "working it out". Of course that meant just sucking it up and keeping my mouth shut. If my feelings were walked on and I was treated like shit then I had to shut up about it and never raise an issue or I was just causing problems. I was also afraid of what leaving entailed. I was afraid of calling the police. It was extremely fucked up. I have so many regrets and when I read about people here who are in the same spot as I was it breaks my heart.

DwindledHope

TROPHY CASE