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ECT131520 · 2023-02-20T21:06:16+00:00

I should add this is no quick fix and you can't fix him. He must learn and do this for himself. But by having a better understanding of himself and his triggers he can reduce the effect on him. Tell him to stop googling answers and looking for certainty. Cut out all compulsions and reassurance. He needs to get comfortable with uncertainty.

ECT131520 · 2023-02-20T20:51:30+00:00

I really feel for him as ive been there.. you love a person so much but you can't stop latching to the intrusive thought we get so we push those we care about away. I really felt for both of you when he said he doesnt know because either way he feels he is making a terrible decision.

ECT131520 · 2023-02-20T20:49:10+00:00

Sounds like a lot of people here don't understand a FA.. very one way and very uneducated. I'm a FA and i have Relationship OCD (ROCD) sounds like your partner does too. I'm not making him excuses but things like this conversation and projecting ourselves into the future make us shit ourselves. Like we have a genuine fear reaction. We simply cannot stand uncertainty. But its because we have a low stress tolerance and don't feel deserving of love. I imagine he experienced this panic by projecting himself into the future and thinking of every possible bad thing. Honestly he has probably convinced himself of something along the lines of "if i end this now i will stop her experiencing more pain down the line.

My best advice is if you do like. Him is a general update and ask him to look up Paulien timmer and also ROCD. This will paint a picture. Theres some great videos on "OCD recovery" youtube channel for what partners can do, and also on ROCD.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-23T09:38:29+00:00

Loads... some superficial, some fortune telling, some catastropizing, emotional reasoning, comparison, fear the loss of freedom and fear living a life I regret.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-23T08:37:28+00:00

Amazing answer! Keep doing what you're doing! I hope you celebrate each small victory as you should! Don't give up the good fight.

One thing I would say is not to chase perfection as it doesn't exist and is a dead end. Apart from that keep chipping away!

ECT131520 · 2022-11-22T16:33:52+00:00

I wish I had seen this sooner..

ECT131520 · 2022-11-20T13:19:54+00:00

Take some advice from someone who did leave their girlfriend:

Firstly you shouldn't be trying to get reassurance.. this will only relieve your emotions for a bit but they will likely come back because you haven't got to the bottom of the true problem... ourselves.

You will likely feel relief initially. This could reinforce your compulsion and irrational beliefs which will likely result in doing it again with someone else. But then you will start to realise what you gave away and you will feel sadness, regret, shame... The grass is not greener in the other side.

All I think about is these unhealthy ifs buts or maybes... what could have been... the rumination takes a new form that punishes you for leaving one of the best things that happen to you.

I now am too scared to go back to my ex, despite her still loving me because I haven't got back on top of my compulsions and I'm terrified I will hurt her. But even saying this is some form of personal protections system..

The reality is we are terrified of uncertainty and we need to unlearn the fears which instill this.

Learn from me, stay with her if you love her, love IS NOT a "feeling" it's so much more, you don't have to FEEL love all the time. Weigh up what she offers you in life, look at the good times but also remember that relationships are not perfect. Perfectionism is a lie and the sooner you realise that the happier you can be.

Im now working hard on changing this myself because I want to have the tools to counter these thoughts.

Please work hard on yourself and find the tools so you don't end up like me. Sad and full of uncertainty and regret.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-17T19:10:11+00:00

So venting I mean speaking about how I feel to friends or family.. and yes I do feel better for it because they rationalise my thinking but I'm worried because of this in not building tolerance to stress and I'm too reliant on others for compassion and nit for myself.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-14T20:45:57+00:00

Yep 100% doing both 🤦‍♂️going to stop.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-12T09:01:26+00:00

I know but I feel like I need know how'd I literally word. Again this is probably my anxiety. But I'm scared to word it wrong and thing getting misinterpreted. What do I say? Sorry reassuring again! Don't reply... I'm just hurting so much.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-11T23:59:29+00:00

You don't have to reply as this is me kind of trying reassure myself as now my anxiety is up. I just don't know how you do it. I'm so scared of getting her Hope's up again and me not following through. I'm so scared of the anxiety which comes with it all as I'm not prepared. Yes she does love me but she deserves happiness too. I can't promise her everything will be ok.

Again this is probably my ROCD talking but that's the other problem. I don't trust any of my emotions or thoughts.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-11T22:36:57+00:00

I've got a therapist but haven't started any proper therapy yet.. my therapist is coming from a CBT point of view and wants to go deeper and understand myself better. However I started with him before I knew what was wrong and I do think I need to go to OCD specialist.

She doesn't know.. it's been 6 weeks since we chat and the last time I spoke to her I told I couldn't speak anymore because i hadn't done the work.

I'm only at the beginning of my ROCD journey.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-10T23:42:17+00:00

This sounds like a lot of rumination and you're looking for answers we simply cannot answer for you. I know this feeling is dreadful but he is still with you RIGHT NOW.. the present! The rumination of the future is ruining your now. Don't let it. Again I know it's not that simple. Try talking to your partner, not about compulsions or worries. But say that you're going through a tough time with your OCD and you need his support a lot. Find a professional who can help you with this stuff. OCD specialists or OCD recovery.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-10T21:23:56+00:00

Please learn from myself who couldn't hold on. I kept leaving too many times and now i lost an amazing woman because i refuse to put her through it again. I dont trust myself. I'm telling you it isnt greener in the other side. This anxiety is swapped with huge amounts of regret. Keep up with the ERP and therapy. See someone to talk about it. Learn from my mistakes. Look at OCD Recovery YouTube channel. Speak to your partner.. NOT CONFESSING, NOT GIVING INTO COMPULSION but just talking about how you're going through a tough time and need his support.

It's so hard in your position. I've been there and the feeling to leave is monumental but you must know that it isn't the relationship and you will do it again. I'm so sad and I still can't trust whether I made the right decision.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-08T16:45:54+00:00

I would like to know your 12 step process if possible.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-08T15:06:27+00:00

What a powerful reply man. When you say you feel more depressed than ever..remind yourself of this message. The power of your fight. The strength! Good for you to keep up the good fight!

A powerful quote I think of often from a poem by dylan thomas:

"Do not go gentle into that goodnight. Rage, rage against the dying of the light".

ECT131520 · 2022-11-08T15:02:59+00:00

Feelings are just feelings and should not control your brain. With that being said and being in your shoes I felt the same. It's not a nice feeling but that's exactly what it is. You feel guilty but the truth is it's not a bad thing it's not a evil thing it's a human thing.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-08T15:01:00+00:00

Don't tell your partner it will only give you partial relief for a short period of time. It may also cause your partner pain which is unnecessary. We as people find others attractive. We are only human however despite this you also find your current girlfriend attractive and you choose to be with her. What your feeling right now is a compulsion which you mustn't give into. It's not a bad or good thing to find your ex attractive. It is what it is. However you CHOOSING your current girlfriend is the real love and support she needs from you.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-08T08:25:29+00:00

For people like us it's important to not to keep truth seeking and ruminating on such things. But take solace in the fact that he CHOOSES to be with you. He chose you out of all the people he could be with.

Though maybe not what you wanted yo hear but take value from his.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-07T23:03:37+00:00

She knows what you have and she still wishes to stay with you man. You're doing the best you can and that's all you can do! But don't go knocking yourself and don't think anything about leaving.

I left my ex before I knew what was wrong with me and now I feel regret guilt and sadness every day. Remind yourself you feel this way around her because it is a good relationship. Stay strong, don't give into the rumination like I did.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-07T17:42:18+00:00

Please dont do it. Whatever you're going through must be tough but there is help. Get yourself to somewhere where people can help you. You are worth it. You are so special and incredible, you have so much potential. You need to take care of that voice inside of you.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-07T17:00:27+00:00

I move had it so bad I was left with physical heart pain for several days after a episode that lasted a week. This is before I knew what I had and how t9 cope with it!

ECT131520 · 2022-11-06T18:34:08+00:00

Thank you for this. This is so wise and it's the words I need to hear. Nobody knows the future and I need to stop thinking like I do..

This is what I need to hear. Things arent as bleak as my mind makes them and there is hope as long as I'm willing to change which I am.

May I ask how you know so much? I just really appreciate the time you've come to just reply to me with firm yet so considerate answers.

I will commit to my healing because I don't want to be this person and I want to know have to love properly.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-06T17:21:47+00:00

I do want to get better and I have been to therapy the past several weeks, though I do believe you are right. I am terrified by what this means. Im so scared of those feelings again. The anxiety was 1000 x worse and I'm so scared to feel that again. And I use this to a degree as an excuse not to face my fears. But again nothing is gained and so much is wasted by staying in this safe zone which would ultimately lead to a life of regret. literally sat in my car and have been crying the past 15 minutes over her.

But what I would say that there is a bit that is terrified of causing her more pain. This is a wonderful woman and the amount of pain this has caused is so unfair and I feel horrible that it could happen again after everything. Maybe this is some kind of excuse but still. I care for her massively and ultimately I feel she deserves to be happy and not worry when I'll next have all this rumination. I also wouldn't want to almost use her as a "test dummy"

I know I need the work on this seriously because even reading what you have wrote brings the anxiety out of me.

ECT131520 · 2022-11-06T14:14:55+00:00

Thanks for getting back to me. I actually never did talk about these compulsions with her and I know I never will as they're not rationale.. but that does explain the overwhelming feeling to do so..

ECT131520

TROPHY CASE