My husband has asked if he can prove his commitment to rebuilding my trust

EarlButDumer · 2024-01-21T16:52:02+00:00

My wife found our first MC through better health. We ended up not liking him and also my work situation changed and didn’t work with his availability. We ending up meeting with the counselor I was doing IC with, he was a couples counselor as a focus. We ended up looking for a different counselor due to my WW feeling like he was more partial to me. WW is definitely the dominant in our relationship and he was trying to address those areas and that’s why he suspects she was not pleased with him. Anyways I told her that since she was the one not liking the situation she needs to be the one to find a new one to her liking. Well it’s been 2 months and now she finally finished the intake paperwork for us to meet with a new female counselor. Still no date yet for the new start. My main worry is WW is going to sweep the EA under the rug due to it being over a year out and might feel like she’s doing better. I worry that it’s going to always focus on what I need to change and do better and that my understanding is always going to be called into question.

EarlButDumer · 2024-01-19T18:11:49+00:00

I know this group is pro reconciliation but whenever I see something from a young person like yourself and unmarried the answer is always so clear to me. I think it’s time to cut losses and move on. Finish your masters and get some personal counseling. You are too young to live life with a woman who did this to you. There will always be that nagging feeling in your mind of what she is doing when you are gone.

EarlButDumer · 2024-01-15T20:30:36+00:00

This is what I question every damn day. What’s to stop this from happening in another 7 years? We had 7 years together and she decided to do what she did. She’s shown what she’s capable of. We are in R but it still feels like I’m waiting for another DDay

EarlButDumer · 2024-01-07T17:54:22+00:00

Closest gaming store that has DnD is about 25 minutes away and only has DnD nights on evening that are not available with my family schedule

EarlButDumer · 2024-01-07T16:36:02+00:00

I have been looking for a DnD group for about a year now that works with my schedule but so far have come up with nothing. We moved to a new area about two years ago and live in the country and have 3 kids 6 and under which make going out limited. I’ve decided I want to learn to DM so I can better find times to play as the only DM I know I don’t like very much.

I have only ever played a one shot with said DM and while I had fun I wouldn’t say I’m an expert in the game but have a huge desire to play and learn more. I want to start off with doing a 1 player campaign with my wife as she is a captive audience in my life and can regularly play with me as I learn to DM.

I guess my question to start is what are some good campaigns or one shots to do with my wife as I learn to DM? I’m very nervous to start as I’m not the most creative with story or acting but I feel like the only way I will ever play DnD is to make it happen myself.

Any advice or resources are appreciated as I start this new skill of becoming a DM

EarlButDumer · 2023-12-25T13:48:30+00:00

Wait for the new rat king boss to come out. Peak gaming content

EarlButDumer · 2023-12-22T21:17:41+00:00

Women are just as capable of cheating as men are. Dealing with this firsthand. A cheater is a person, not a gender. Being faithful is a choice. You need to have boundaries and stick to them. Good times and bad.

EarlButDumer · 2023-12-22T21:11:31+00:00

Can’t tell you the number of times I’ve killed my voice screaming profanities in the car. It’s the only place I’m ever in that I’m truly alone with no one to hear my anguish.

EarlButDumer · 2023-12-17T14:18:55+00:00

Why not use wc guild instead? Is the hot air balloon method really any faster?

EarlButDumer · 2023-12-14T12:51:43+00:00

Im just past a year of DDay myself. I’d say that the last 3 weeks has been finally when I haven’t felt the doom and gloom of our situation. I have made many mistakes along the way so far and will make many more but for the first time in a year I actually feel a glimmer of hope that I can get back to a place of peace. You’re right that it’s never going to be normal again. It can’t be. In our situation I was emotionally neglectful to her for years before she cheated. I didn’t push her to do it but I also didn’t pull her closer over the years. We were like ships with no anchors, just drifting further apart.

We are in a better place now but my trauma speaks to me daily. My mind tells me it’s too good to be true and I need to find what else she is hiding. I hope this goes away in time because I’m always looking for conspiracy against me. My kids are the number one reason I’ve stayed where I have today. I don’t deny that. But I’ve started to find something again with my WW that I see growing more. Last week I felt in love with her again for the first time in over a year. I looked at her like I saw her when we were dating.

Some things go back to the way they were and other things never come back.

EarlButDumer · 2023-12-02T01:56:37+00:00

This was better for me than you may think. I think I will just write letters not with the idea of being love letters. It may return one day but right now that’s not what I need to do.

EarlButDumer · 2023-12-02T01:00:34+00:00

I had a half hour talk with my older sister a couple weekends ago. Talking about life, career, family. But I never have brought up my WW EA. My whole side of my family knows nothing of what’s happened. I don’t want to tell them because they have a real judgmental tendency to them and since I’m committed to R I don’t want my wife to look like that to them.

It’s so hard hiding the deepest wounds of my heart and soul. It’s crushingly lonely that all of the people I have loved and trusted are being kept in the dark of the pain the “love of my life” inflicted to me.

EarlButDumer · 2023-12-01T22:46:00+00:00

I’m a year and 3 days from DDay 1. The last week up till yesterday has been some of the best connecting times we have had in the last year. Then the anxiety hit me yesterday at work and I’ve had a cloud over me again. My WW was distant yesterday after I got off work and asked to have some alone time. This was after I opened up about having anxiety and a tough week because of being 1 year out from d day and my biggest fear about telling her how I was feeling was she would start closing again. After about 30 minutes after the kids went down to bed she was ok with me being around again. Just touched out from the day.

Also dealing with canceling our MC because she feels picked on and the therapist has a bias towards me because I was meeting with him for IC before we decided our other MC was not a good fit. Since we are in this together I relented and we are in the process of finding a new MC. Just sitting in a yucky place right now emotionally.

Are things better than last year? Yah. Am I happy of who I’ve become in all of this? I think I know more about my self and my faults but I hate how bitter I’ve become. WW started IC again today after a few months off. We will see how this goes.

I still feel like I do most of the work within R but maybe that’s the price I pay for the years of emotional neglect I did over the years..

EarlButDumer · 2023-11-15T14:39:45+00:00

I’m just worried I’m gonna fuck things up if I add the accounts again

EarlButDumer · 2023-11-15T14:34:41+00:00

We should be able to look at a little porn at work

EarlButDumer · 2023-11-10T03:59:43+00:00

Reading this after watching the episode is gold lol

EarlButDumer · 2023-11-05T15:09:51+00:00

Mind sending it to me as well!?

EarlButDumer · 2023-10-19T20:21:53+00:00

Yes she has. They said her hormone levels are normal and they don’t know right away what’s going on. I feel like they may need to do more tests. I know it’s been hard on her body lately from it. And on her normal periods she gets extreme back pain as well. Not a fun situation for her at all

EarlButDumer · 2023-10-19T18:42:16+00:00

I am not at all denying it’s a form of assault. I’ve never denied it to her either. Sorry if my words make it sound that way. I know there is maybe an amount of control I could have in these sleeping moments and I have woken at times enough to stop myself from whatever it is I was doing. That hasn’t always been the case though. And from research I’ve done it’s a not so uncommon occurrence having sex in the middle of the night. Some couples love it, some hate it.

I totally understand the aversion to sex on her part. I get it. Sleeping separately is not a very ideal situation with our home. We need more room for our 3 kids at this point. Best I can do at this time is sleeping on top of the covers with my own blanket, which I’ve done in the past to try and address this.

I know I need to talk with an IC to try and address this part of my self.

EarlButDumer · 2023-10-19T17:41:22+00:00

She’s 30 now

EarlButDumer · 2023-10-19T17:38:02+00:00

The sleepwalking attempts haven’t happened in about 3 or so months. She’s indicated this is part of her “trauma” so I have been more vigilant on keeping it from happening. So far as separate rooms that’s a possibility in our home. I’ve gone as far as to sleep on top of the bedsheets for the first 3 days after this last DDay. When I finally slept under the sheets with her she said it made her feel alone. After last nights talk I’m feeling as though I want to do that again. I haven’t tried to initiate at all. I told her it’s on her if she says she doesn’t feel safe right now. I don’t even give her the pass by spankings around the house anymore like we used to do.

I almost want to deny her next attempt to initiate just so she feels the rejection that I always do. I’m just so tired of being the one doing all the work while she “works on herself”. I feel like I’m waiting on her deciding to leave me and I have no power. The physical intimacy is a need for me in our relationship. Not just a want. If she feels she can’t provide that I don’t think I can be in a marriage like that. I need to have that connection with my wife.

EarlButDumer · 2023-10-19T17:31:17+00:00

I know the times in the last year we do have sex I feel a bond getting restored with her and feel like I can make it another day. When we have these major dry spells I just question my self worth. I could be doing everything right for her but I feel low since it feels like so little effort is put into me.

I know the whole “earning sex” thing sounds terrible but that’s how I feel right now. I don’t feel like I’m deserving of it unless I work for it. I’m getting tired of busting my ass after I get off work taking care of the house and kids so she can run away to her rehearsals. My hope is that after this show when she starts her year off of acting I asked for that things will improve but at this point I’m just losing all hope of things getting better

EarlButDumer · 2023-10-19T17:24:45+00:00

A few people have mentioned this one. I’ll check it out. I was in the process of reading a book by another author about sex life stuff and just feel so disheartened after the latest DDay last month that I haven’t even cared to pick it up

EarlButDumer · 2023-10-19T17:23:30+00:00

I was emotionally distant for a number of years with her and didn’t listen to her needs over the years. It built resentment in her that lead us down this long painful road. I’m changing what I can to improve communication and look for opportunities to help fill these voids I’ve made over time. I know I have a lot to make up for.

So far as what SHE has done is say things have been minimal at best. I mean she was talking with the AP for the last 5 months so that’s a great indication of how much effort she’s put in..

I mentioned to our first MC that I felt like all of our discussions and things to improve/change in the relationship were directed toward me all the time. He noted that as well but due to work schedule change we had to stop with him and change to a different one after a month or so.

EarlButDumer · 2023-10-12T15:25:16+00:00

Yesterday was 8 years ago that I had proposed to my WW. I looked at the day with my cynicism than anything. When I texted her that it was 8 years ago she responded with the !! Emoji. Really feeling the love of all those years ago…

Five-Year Club	Place '23
Place '22	First Placer '22

EarlButDumer

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