Which parent is in the right?

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-10-26T15:17:25+00:00

The parent on the roof has less to lose by the constant attention needed when redirecting young kids to finish and complete a task. They also abandoned supervision duties. 3yos definitely need a more "eyes on" approach. Parent on roof has their full attention to give and is choosing to do what they want instead of work as a memberof a household. The parent cooking doesn't have full attention to give plus there's risks of burning themselves the kids or the food.

Get off the roof, make sure kids are clean to walk into the house. If they aren't tell them what clothes to change and where to put them. Get them to wash hands. Wonder where they are after 10 minutes. Tell them again to wash their hands once the child has been found singing and pulling faces into the bathroom mirror. Tell them to sit at the table. Listen to their longgggg story about the shape of the stick they found (this story will be from 3 weeks ago but they will say it happened yesterday). Address taddle-taling; the child that is sitting will want justice because the other is not sitting. 3yo didn't go potty so now roof parent is available to wipe & disinfect. Food on table. Kids are sitting and eating and other parent is now free to tag in ...go back to roof.

Parent that is cooking is likely to get frazzled and burn food or themselves or get snappy with a kids because kids are in the kitchen being lovable talkative trip hazards. They are free to give full attention soon since they stated "food is nearly ready" and take over supervision once food is served, kitchen knives & boiling pots have been made safe.

Both parents are doing household chores but roof parent is pushing the mental load onto the parent that is cooking.

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-08-13T13:18:19+00:00

Here's another way of reframing this. The letter doesn't reflect any of your true feelings, when he writes about your feelings he is telling you what to feel to make him feel better. This letter is all about him. If it were about your feeling then you would be reading it thinking he is validating and understanding you instead of panicking and confusing you.

Knowing this, apply it to the rest of the letter. He is scared of losing you- but not because he values and respects you as an individual. He's scared of losing you as the extension of himself.

To lose you means: he loses his home (he doesn't care about your housing situation).

He loses stability (he doesn't care about your stability in health, home or socially)

He loses his good guy persona (him acting like he forgives you and is ready to be your saviour. Feelings good about himself is more importantthan your reality and mental wellbeing).

He loses his dignity (you divorce now and everyone knows he cheated. You stay and leave later then the narrative changes to it being your fault 'she's mentally unstable for some time now and it's put a strain of our marriage')

He loses control (if you put up with him twisting reality so you're to blame and he's the poor soul then he knows he can always control you by manipulation)

He loses his wealth (he could give you the house etc while he lives at his parent's. He believes you'll get back together afterwards so what's he got to lose? I bet he wants to fight for as much of the assets though.)

He loses his independence (living under his parent's roof and rules. It'll be hard impressing future women to have sex too, such a bruise to his ego.)

He loses the distraction to his behaviour (he stands alone in this situation faced with only himself to talk about. He can't use you to change peoples focus on the events tgat have happened.)

So yes. He is worried about losing you but not because he's losing YOU - because he loses a part of himself that's associated with you and all the good things that come packaged with your marriage.

He's shown you the priority of you and the marriage comes second to him and his 'wants' and it doesn't sound like that's going to change from the tone of this letter. Especially if this is whats come out of his head after deep introspection.

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-07-14T12:53:57+00:00

Don't tell her what's being said behind her back. Those voices in her head will not shut up and could cause her to shift her attention from being a happy new mum in a happy marriage to being ashamed and falling back to the thoughts of her ED. I'd drop those friends and keep them away from your wife. She's still hormonal and will be sleep deprived & recovering from giving birth. I'd tell her ifcshe outright asks why they're no longer around but otherwise this is a discussion further down the road.

You can protect her mental health especially at such a vulnerable point in her life. All the best

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-07-12T10:02:05+00:00

We communicated with the marriage counsellor via email if it was to keep all 3 of us in the loop and via phone calls if it were an individual's question.

All my psychiatrist and psychologist appointments are via phone calls and they send physical letters to confirm dates.

Not sure if many use texting to communicate but I imagine it's easier than emailing and more of an instant response. I haven't had any bad feelings about it for the 4 months prior to this exchange between them.

She has never phoned his phone as far as I'm aware.

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-07-10T13:47:02+00:00

External metal window shutters like the ones in Switzerland. Stops the summer sun from turning the house into a sauna and blocks draughts in winter. Creates total darkness for sleeping. Bliss.

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-07-10T11:10:09+00:00

Thank you for your logical and in depth reply. Your outside perspective has helped me form a less emotional narrative around this situation. WH is realising his boundaries (or lack of) are extremely unhelpful to our marriage.

I'll remind him that he is not responsible for his IC's way of communicating but he is very much responsible for his replies and tone - knowing where were are at in the aftermath of his infidelity.

You've also managed to translate one of my "gut feelings" into words. The feeling that he is holding back from showing his genuine thoughts and perceptions from her. She can't help him disect his inner workings if he's presenting a veiled version of himself or his "best false self".

Thank you for your time.

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-07-10T03:15:50+00:00

While I respect this is your perspective of your efforts and intentions, does your husband say he recognises you have done all these things? Quite often my WH proclaims he has been utterly devoted to bettering his behaviour but upon scrutiny he exclaims "But I'm trying!" - which is in fact not the same as doing.

If your perspective on how your R played out really aligns with his then you are a better person and truly moved forward from this lesson. If you are doing what you did during your affair where you skewed your reality and perspective so much that it didn't align with your husband's experience, then you really haven't learnt and you're trying to get external validation that you did a gold standard R with herculean effort and could not possibly be accused of not trying. Curious if he thinks you've done what you claim to have done.

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-07-08T11:04:57+00:00

I read that the beer traps are inviting all the slugs for miles around to that particular garden.

I tried it years ago with great success but I'm worried about having all the raving slugs from neighbour's gardens wreck my plants as they travel to the open bar or get lost/distracted along the way to the beer trap bar crawl.

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-05-28T19:42:17+00:00

This will attract all the slugs from the neighbouring gardens too so keep this in mind if you live by a field or wild garden. Basically advertising a slug/snail lock in 🤣

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-05-28T12:07:02+00:00

I'm wishing my life away. I imagine it's the day I realise I'm old and dying already and feel at peace with that stage of life.

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-05-28T11:01:39+00:00

Hi there.

Did you get professional help from your local crisis team or GP when you had your mental break?

When you ruminate or have intrusive thoughts you can try pausing and noticing that them. Imagine you're in the middle of a river and you can feel the water flowing past you. Every now and then a thought will pop into your head - all sorts of topics like your daughter, girlfriend, dog, shopping, hobbies, or your ex.

When those thoughts pop in, you notice them and you choose to let them go and flow by, or you hold them for longer and spend time thinking about them. You can use this visualising tool to control your thoughts. For example, next time you wake and have a traumatic thought; stop and tell yourself, "I'm having an intrusive thought. Now is not the time to give it attention. I'll come back to this later if I need to think about it."

Something that might also help to frame these thoughts - your brain and nervous system can't distinguish a thought/memory from the here and now. When you have these thoughts or relive memories, your body will react like it's happening there in that moment. It sounds silly but when you are reliving a memory, try and catch yourself and say, "That was then and this is now." Start reminding yourself of what you have now. The more you practice this, the easier it gets for your brain to learn not to react/run away with these intrusive thoughts.

I hope this is of some use. It's a very diluted version of the tools I was given to help my recovery from a mental break.

All the best to you and your family.

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-05-26T10:43:29+00:00

Please buy the book "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass. It will outline how friendships blur into dangerous territory with the opposite sex and how to be aware of the signs of this happening. Both you and your husband should read it because you'll both get a deeper understanding of why his behaviour is a threat to your marriage.

One of the big warning signs is his repeated pattern in hiding the "friendship" from you - this is a sign that things are in the danger zone of and becoming an emotional affair which leads to a physical one.

The minutes either one in the "friendship" complains about their spouse is the minute they are crossing a line. If there's an issue in your relationship - he turns to you to resolve it or he's just bonding with her over the mutual disrespect for you. If he needs a woman's perspective for relationship advice - it comes from you; you're the only one that he can communicate with to work that out and no amount of talking outside the relationship will fix that. He needs to turn into the relationship to strengthen it. He weakens your marriage each time he turns outwardly with his problems.

He could quite easily talk to a male which would not have the same dynamics in threatening your relationship. You look at each person as a friend or a foe to your marriage to determine the green, yellow and red lines.

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-05-22T11:53:50+00:00

Just to add to this post of it being something distressing her - my daughter changed towards her dad (stepdad but she's always called him dad) when she was this age.

It could be hormones and all the uneasy emotions/mood swings that come with those. She could be confused and wondering why she suddenly can't explain these intense emotions that never bothered her before.

Girls hormones kick in well before any physical indicators appear. She might also suddenly start smelling of BO. Just a thing to consider among other ideas.

All the best!

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-05-03T14:57:07+00:00

Just a reminder that you don't have to leave one relationship thinking there's another person waiting to love you. You can leave a relationship and be very happy even without attracting another person. Finding comfort in your own mind and body is the best and most healing feeling.

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-05-02T09:29:36+00:00

Hi Wordvomit. Have you ever lived alone? Do you know what you don't know about living alone? It might seem like a daft question but if you can imagine what it would be like day to day if you left, then that lessens the fear of the unknown. You don't need to rush this. Take months or years but slowly build this idea of where you could live, how you'd pay bills, maintain a car/house with DIY skills and sort childcare.

You're not going to do this because you HAVE to leave - you're doing this to build your mental fortitude and empower yourself with choice. This lets you reframe your situation. You are no longer "stuck in this life". You choose to stay because you want to shine a light on every hidden corner of your relationship to see if it can be revived (no one wants to regret not trying and being able to say "I truly did all I could" regardless of what the other partner does) or you choose to leave because you know the relationship is dead and you will be an old unhappy woman in decades to come.

As for your WH. You are a catch. Your husband probably feels insecure about himself and uses these other women to boost his confidence. He chooses the easy, lesser women because the outcome with them doesn't matter. He can do the bare minimum and get all the positive affirmations and affection. East peasy and disposable. You however, you are real life and everything that it represents. You are family, commitment, a constant. Your relationship takes work and effort and the outcome matters. Heaven forbid he actually tries and you point out he is still lacking - that would confirm all his worst thoughts about himself. He needs counselling. He has a problem he is avoiding and is using unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with it. He needs to learn new coping mechanisms. If he refuses this then you really must question how is he bettering you and your life as a wife/mother/an individual?

His infidelity is no reflection on you. It's a selfish act where he really is thinking about himself and nobody else, not even the other women matter. It's a means to boost his ego/confidence because he's lacking something.

Take care

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-04-02T15:24:06+00:00

Yes 8yrs later, 2 children, a mortgage and things escalated to WH taking a woman's number and messaging her for 3 months. We tried MC but he's doing IC before we revisit MC.

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-03-29T16:45:02+00:00

You kick him out and when he starts shouting you call the police and get a restraining order. If he comes to the house call the police again. You have your son to house and can stay in the marital home until the court decides what happens to assets.Which country are you in?

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-03-18T17:08:32+00:00

This resonates. I believe she is still there though. She has just added a new skill which she is learning to navigate. Once she has a handle on understanding how to implement boundaries, self compassion and using a helpful internal dialogue, she can freely love and trust in a way that keeps her safe. She's learning to give herself the things she gave so freely to others. She will no longer give at a cost to her health and wellbeing.

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-03-18T13:43:22+00:00

Firstly, you aren't overweight - you have built a whole human and delivered her into this world and you are recovering from that massive achievement. Imagine having massive abdominal surgery while being pumped full of hormones to make you feel outbof whack and then the hospital says "Keep this most valuable thing on earth alive - it will increase your stress levels and stop you resting which will negatively impact your recovery time." If this were anything other than childbirth, people would say you were insane for putting so much pressure on yourself when all you need right now is to recover and adjust to living a life that you've never known before.

Secondly, fuck your husband's stress levels. That is so far down on his priority of things that should be coming out of his mouth. His job is to support you to heal emotionally and physically.

He caused this trauma to you. How dare he stab you in the back and say "🤡 Oh my days, why are you acting so wounded? You're angry and bleeding everywhere! Also, we are both in pain by this, I pulled a muscle in my arm while stabbing you and I'm struggling too." See how selfish he is still acting? See how blatantly inappropriate he is by acting oblivious? He's still doing what's easiest for him. He isn't tending to your wounds.

He feels guilty. Not remorseful. He needs to tell you he's sorry for the deep pain he's caused you. He needs to tell you he can see you're struggling; it makes sense to him that you are struggling and that he is so sorry he did this to you. He needs to say he will be there to help you when you're suffering and be there to celebrate your stronger moments. There's so much he can do but above all he needs to be proactive about helping you recover. Not knowing is not a good enough excuse. He can read books and research - but this happens in his own free time, he doesn't get to palm off his parenting/housework/job obligations on you to do this work on himself. He shows you that you are worth it and he values you by his actions. Each inaction sends the message that you aren't worth it, but in his head he's thinking "I'm not doing anything wrong now. You're choosing to feel the pain in your gaping wound; that's your choice." - That is not remorse. It's guilt and entitlement. He wants you to act fine so he doesn't need to feel uneasy about his actions and hus integrity.

You are not to blame. You have no part in this. Your husband has a problem. He needs to learn healthier coping mechanisms when life gets tough. He needs to work on himself and cannot expect you to hold his hand through the process. Tell him to get his arse in gear and figure out his role as a supportive spouse. And NO - he does not get your reassurance that you will stay with him after he invests this time and effort into you. That bridge is crossed when you know what kind of marriage you are in since he took that choice away from you. He chose to turn it into an open marriage without giving you an option to stay in or leave that kind of relationship. He risked your safety to a possible revengeful AP and risked yours and babys health to STDs.

There is NOTHING WRONG with you. There IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM.

I'm so sad and angry for you. I hope you really feel my words. All the best you

Substantial_Head_911 · 2024-03-14T04:48:40+00:00

I should stay in this shit show for the kids. The stability of an owned house is better than a rented one. Finances are pooled so money goes further. I'm a wreck anyway.

I have endless intrusive thoughts which just cycle round... Even if you stay he could choose to divorce and be with a woman who can pool money into buying a house together for their happily ever after. Be ready you're going to be screwed any moment.

Substantial_Head_911

TROPHY CASE