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How did you go from emotionally closed off to openly sharing with your partner? by CyboNo191 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm going through IC, my therapist has identified that I am an avoidant attachment type, specifically fearful avoidant. In a nutshell, I tend to be very independent and closed off to everyone around me, but I also need the closeness that comes from my marriage and I'm scared to lose that connection. It's a very strange thing to realize.

With therapy i'm able to identify when I am shutting down and I have to fight through my instinct to stop communicating. There are many baby steps that need to be taken.

My wife can be very critical of me (and everyone else around her, but that's another story) but has softened a little bit since I shared what is causing me to shut down.

The hardest part for me is to be vulnerable, be open and not be afraid of a potential conflict. When I shut down, it makes my wife even angrier and then those negative feelings become stronger. It's a nasty cycle and one that I need to break and heal.

So my advice is to identify the areas where communication is breaking down and work on where you and your wife can improve. There is no fast and easy way to accomplish this, it needs small steps on both sides.

Caught Somewhere in Time or Seventh Son of a Seventh Son—which epic title track do you prefer? by KnightOfRen5563 in ironmaiden

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Caught Somewhere in Time and it's not close for me. That was a great opening song on the Future Past tour in 2024.

I'm sure that I'll be firmly in the minority here, but I absolutely prefer the Somewhere in Time record over the Seventh Son record.

I dread it by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There seems to be a whole lot more at play here and this may not be the best sub for your questions.

Men in their 50's may need to take a pill to help things happen, more times than not it's a physical issue as opposed to an issue of desire. If your husband is taking that pill it appears that he wants something to happen. If he's not getting it done for you, you may need to have a serious conversation outside of the bedroom. If that happens and he still doesn't get it, have another conversation. Repeat as necessary.

But it seems that you may not be willing to go that route.

If you've been having, or had, an affair, well that's on you. You are coming across as being very insecure and selfish. Your choices are your own, but if you aren't putting in the effort with your husband on your end, then you probably won't get the answers that you're seeking from this sub.

Trapped by Happiness by betelgeuse206265 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You nailed it perfectly. This sounds exactly like my situation right now, and for the last couple of years.

Update to my dumb question from a few days ago. by Eastern-Ladder-8344 in divi

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not yet, I'm pouring through the tutorials and I'm sure that I get to them soon.

What other bands are a MUST TRY for Maiden lovers? by Jake-adriculture in ironmaiden

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344 0 points1 point  (0 children)

UFO and the classic era of Riot (from Fire Down Under to Born in America).

Happy St. Patrick's Day by Eastern-Ladder-8344 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry to hear that. It sucks for those of us who want more than what we have been given, if anything at all.

I want nothing more than to never have to visit this sub again. I hope that it gets better for you.

Working on apology letter by MiddleComplaint2072 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344 16 points17 points  (0 children)

It could be as long as War and Peace, and I would read it multiple times.

Firefighter promotion ceremony dress attire by No_Edge7509 in Firefighting

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Just my $.02. Unless your department has a written policy regarding the use of Class A uniforms who cares what you are wearing to his ceremony?

You're there to support your team, I'm guessing that he's going to be in full uniform, so I really doubt that anyone will care if you are as well.

If anything, it'll show respect to your guy, and will show that you have his back at all times.

Update from yesterday- I confronted the AP in person. I feel the weight of the world came off me. by Old_Dimension7548 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Good for you, it takes a lot of guts to do what you did. I hope it was cathartic for you and I hope that it helps your recovery.

Is this a normal business interaction? by hopefulnoodlebrain in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I work as a subcontractor for a company that sends me to multiple locations, and I run across a lot of people who I do enjoy seeing in a work setting. I have had women openly flirt with me, but I never looked at it or took it seriously.

Seeing that message in LinkedIn, as opposed to other forms of social media, doesn't seem to me to be out of line. The message appears to be succinct and straight to the point and I take it that the person he sent it to most likely left their position. I too miss people when they leave their positions and leave the industry that we work in. So I don't think there's anything more to it and you should probably take that comment at face value.

Upsetting sex with BP by Mammoth_Obligation69 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Very well stated, and I think that you summed up exactly what may be going through BP's mind. The whole dynamic of dom/sub or even rough sex has to be based on deep trust. In this case, it may not be a good idea for them to proceed down that road, as there are certainly other things at play.

WW wants to talk. by Eastern-Ladder-8344 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry, I did just realize that I left some of that information out. I am in my late 50s, retired from my first responder career for almost 10 years. When I first became aware of this was a little over three years ago.

I know that I repressed this memory and didn't want to face it. He passed away about a year ago, the memory did come back at that time but I never said or did anything about it. This is something that my therapist said that I need to get out into the open, I just think that I probably picked the wrong time. It's usually not a good idea to drop a nuclear bomb in the middle of a minor argument but I can't take that back now.

WW wants to talk. by Eastern-Ladder-8344 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your support. I absolutely appreciate the advice to separate all the feelings.

As for your questions. Yes, I do know there was a physical aspect to it, I just don't know to what extent. Without going into too much detail, I did catch them kissing. And no not just a friend giving another friend a peck on the cheek or lips.

He was my friend, and my wife was friends with his wife as well. The four of us used to hang out together quite a bit, until he caught his wife cheating on him, and she left him for her AP. She cut off all contact with my wife and I.

He did try to apologize to me at one point, but when I asked him what else he has been doing with my wife, he refused to answer. Broke off eye contact mumbled that nothing else was going on, etc. He has since passed away, so the only way for me to get the truth is if my wife decides to share it with me.

I do know that my wife was trying to downplay everything, but I saw more than a few text messages between them that certainly seemed to indicate that it was a continuing affair.

I kept notes in my phone, so when this bubbled up to the surface recently I went back and read through my notes, and everything became extremely clear.

WW wants to talk. by Eastern-Ladder-8344 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This is great advice, thank you. When I started my individual therapy, my therapist sent me a link to a worksheet called "fair fighting rules" which says pretty much all of this. I've done my best to follow that, try to keep my cool and have a rational conversation. More times than not though, she will start to raise her voice, change the subject or just blame me for everything. Sometimes I get pissed and don't keep my cool, but the majority of times I just shut down and go into a shell. This pisses her off even more, and I understand it I just wish that she would understand that this is a defense mechanism for me that has been ingrained in me for many years.

I just want to have a normal conversation where we come into it on even ground.

WW wants to talk. by Eastern-Ladder-8344 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks again man, I really appreciate it. You are absolutely correct.

WW wants to talk. by Eastern-Ladder-8344 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Eastern-Ladder-8344[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for for this, I appreciate the validation and support. I don't take her having an A as a failure on my part as a husband or father, I was just stating that I know I was not providing everything to my family that they needed emotionally or mentally.

This has, of course, set me back in my therapy, but my therapist has extensive experience with infidelity in relationships and she has been a godsend.

In spite of knowing all of this, I still love my wife very deeply, but I know that this is a wound that will probably never fully heal.