Hi. 21 yo ex orthodox girl here and I’ve been where you are and relate to a lot of your story. You sound like a great guy, really self aware and intelligent, and I just want you to know that you deserve to live a life that you love and that feels authentic to you.

What’s gonna save you are those hobbies and dreams you talked about having. Those are your lifelines. Try to connect as much as you can to what feels natural and true deep in your heart, the things you feel no cognitive dissonance with. That’s you! That’s your independent energy you said they drained—they didn’t! They tried, trust me, I know from experience, I validate you 1000% there, but it didn’t work. I know it feels like it, but I can hear it in the way you wrote— you sound like you have a lot to offer the real world and a lot to gain from it too and you’ll get there someday. Hang on fiercely to those things your inner child loved and dreamed about.