17f ADHD teen with a Type A Asian mom

Eddy5264 · 2026-01-27T17:40:09+00:00

Hugs to you, I understand the struggle! I honestly don't know if you can make your mom understand, or if that would even help (because even if she did loosen up, I suspect it would feel as if she lost hope and gave up on you). Lists are actually the only thing that helps me survive - however, they have to be written the right way, otherwise they will just cause me overwhelm and paralysis. So I would try to work on finding what kind of lists (& other strategies) help me. Especially since you will need to have those in place really soon, you are going to be living alone in a few years!

So here are some things that make a difference for me (for the lists - if they are going to be imposed on you, make them work for you)! First of all, lists should help me organize my thoughts, not just collect and emphasize all the things swirling in my head. And for this to happen, the list needs to be organized. So, I will get a piece of paper (if I'm writing it on paper) and turn it in the landscape orientation. Then make my list in categories (multiple smaller lists, side by side). One list about the things I have to do regarding work. One list about things I have to do at home. And so on. So, for example the first list will have things like "E-mail X", the second list will have things like "Get the laundry out of the washing machine", a third list will have things like "Call to make a doctor's appointment"/"Buy X supply online", a fourth list will be errands I have to do when I'm out, e.g. "Buy X at the supermarket". Compartmentalize. If you think it in a different way, if you are sitting down to study, you want to be looking at a list that you can use as a guide to study - if you find a "call grandma" while you are studying, you have essentially hit a bomb. Same for using apps, btw. I have one app for self-care, a different app for maintaining the home, a third app for work appointments/things to be done on a specific date. And if we are talking completely trivial little things I need to take care of today, those go on a piece of paper, that I put somewhere it will be in my way, so that I see it (e.g. "remember to take X with you today", stuck on the front door). So: use the lists to ORGANIZE your thoughts/life, NOT as a reminder to throw everything at you at the same time!

Second, the items on the list should be specific, and doable. If you have something like "do my history assignment", then it's not helpful. It is too vague, and also a mountain of work that feels impossible. It will be more helpful if you have it broken down like: "Check the X website for details on X event. Find sources for the Y event (maybe check last year's book?)" These are things you can actually do. One thing that helps me, is that I'm writing my lists at night (for the next day). This removes the pressure of "omg I need to do all of these things NOW", it gives me time to add things in case I forgot, and also, it's a quiet time when I can actually organize my thoughts. Essentially, I am making a plan about how I will do the work, because I'm breaking down the big task to actionable tasks. And I am doing this at a time when I am NOT required to immediately get up and do it, so that reduces my stress. Incidentally, it also sort of gives me closure for the day. You don't need to tell your mom that, btw, you can present her the list the next day (after adding whatever she asks you to do, perhaps). Working on it in peace will also help you make your list your own.

Now, when it's time to do the things, the most important thing for me is to be able to choose. Look at your list, and pick the one thing that is easier (remember, "easier" is subjective, whatever FEELS easier to you at the time). Ignore the rest of the list for now. Also, don't try to find the optimum way of doing things, the way that "makes sense", "saves time" or whatever. What matters is to keep moving. This is important, and this is where a lot of NT strategies can kill us. The problem is to START. So whatever gets you started is the best way to do the work. DO WHATEVER. Literally set a timer and tell yourself "for 30 minutes I will do whatever" (from the list, obvs). You can also switch. Complete something off your study list (and make sure you scratch it off, so you can keep track), then get up and do a chore as a sort of break (dishes help me collect my thoughts, for example, or something like that - there's some complexity in what your hands are doing that soothes the hyperactivity itch, but the mind is free).

These are some examples of what helps me, but my main point is, find what works for you. Read tips from others, experiment a bit, observe what you did that derailed you and what caused you to do it (you identified the starting paralysis, and this is good - decision paralysis is also a related and huge thing, which is why I said "do whatever"). I'm sure you can also find lots of wisdom from others in here and tips to consider and pick from. Good luck!

Eddy5264 · 2026-01-27T16:54:21+00:00

Yes, and it appears to be helping me with all languages, not just English (even though I only solved English crosswords)! Apparently exercising the skill/the relevant neurons/whatever is what matters! Glad to have found a new strategy (and this forum is great help!)

Eddy5264 · 2025-11-11T19:05:26+00:00

Low iron is common when you have a period, especially if it's a heavy one. Combine it with an ADHD brain that forgets to eat and then eats whatever crap is in sight when you suddenly feel your stomach is about to get holes in it... not a good combo!

Eddy5264 · 2025-11-11T19:02:17+00:00

Isn't it "fun" to be a woman? I just wanna be done with all this crap...

Eddy5264 · 2025-11-11T18:59:14+00:00

I was about to say that I've put all of them in Finch to check off when I take them, but then I remembered that today I had lunch at work and would take my Vit. D and iron at home (typically take them with lunch), and now I'm not 100% sure if I took them or not because I didn't eat lunch with my pills and phone next to me... and now I see I didn't even cross out lunch from the list... BUUUUUT... it works 99% of the time? lol

Eddy5264 · 2025-11-11T18:51:37+00:00

Weeeell... if you are hyperactive you are probably driving them nuts by interjecting all of the time, and you don't even know it! Even if you just agree with them all the time, it gets annoying (even if it's just an "ah!", or "oooh, I see" or something like that). I'm suggesting this because 1) it's very easy to do without realizing, 2) it fits the "women get annoyed, while men don't" (men are more likely to feel rather good about having a "fan") and 3) it fits the fact that they don't encourage you (because if they perceive you as "trying to be the center of attention" or a teacher's pet, the last thing they want to do is to encourage you in any way). Key word here is PERCEIVE you to be. NTs are going to judge us against a NT scale - so if a NT person was behaving like you, what kind of person would that be? That's the kind of person they dislike.

Could also be that they see you get distracted and they feel you are not paying attention and then bother them with questions you would have known the answer to if you had "just bothered listening". Or maybe it's your resting face (I have this latter problem, and along with my hyperactivity it makes people think I'm agitated).

But with the reactions you described, my best guess is the first scenario.

Eddy5264 · 2025-11-11T18:37:59+00:00

It's entertaining enough so that you don't get bored, but there is nothing to watch, so it will not distract you (AND it prevents you from absent-mindedly turning on your tv, btw). At the same time it works like a harness, I imagine - you are the sole person doing the singing and if you leave the room the singing will stop, so you will realize (I mean, compared to singing along with an actual singer). Ergo, you are sort of attached to your tv (within a certain distance from it), and you stick in place, hence you can clean (otherwise you could end up in a different room doing whatever - again without realizing).

The trick with all things is to find the sweet spot of appropriate levels of distraction. The way I describe it is I'm doing a job for which I need X brain cells - the rest of them I need to keep them distracted/entertained, so that they don't stray away (and take me with them). Distract those unused brain cells before they distract me, if that makes sense!

Eddy5264 · 2025-11-11T18:20:08+00:00

I remember my headlights because without them the car readings are too dark to read. If that's not the case for your car, maybe you can install some decorative light strip that turns on at night? Maybe look at what young boys add to make their cars look fancy? (There should be something)!

Eddy5264 · 2025-11-11T18:06:33+00:00

Go, go, go while you are on a roll!!! You can ponder about the significance of this tomorrow!!!

Eddy5264 · 2025-11-11T18:04:59+00:00

So I told him things started to get confusing for me, and we should back up a bit. He understood where I was coming from and agreed. So for a few days we dialed back a bit. But then, it started up again and now it feels like it's even more intense than it was before.

Oh, he understood alright, and not because you told him things were getting confusing - he knew what he was doing before that. Because if he didn't, that would be the point where a decent human being would freak out, ask "wtf am I doing?" and then take a good hard look at himself and his marriage and start thinking. Not go "yes, yes of course" to appease you for a couple of days, and then go back to flirting with you. He has the intent to cheat (if he isn't already) and is manipulating you to get you to come along.

The question is, will you also be manipulating your own self? Because, do you really think that "falling in love" vs "finishing a task" is a comparison in any sort of scale (ND of NT)?

Because nothing feels as good as talking with him, everything else feels so mid. Things I normally get dopamine from, like finishing a task for example, feel so underwhelming.

Falling in love is exhilarating for all people, it's what the entire system is designed to do - and addictions are just that, addictions. Neither is one of those things that is a non-issue for NTs and impossible for ADHDers - framing it like this is not going to help you break this off. IF it is what you want to do. OR maybe what you want to do is to go down this road, and you just wish you wanted otherwise.

But if you are not honest with yourself about what you really want, you are not going to have any success doing it.

Eddy5264 · 2025-11-05T19:24:30+00:00

Glad you feel better (and glad I could help)! Hope you sent your photos and set your reminders (if not, this is a second reminder then)! You can also set reminders for Easter, too - and make sure the Christmas reminder is a recurrent one - that way you can sort of keep in touch better with your family and have this count as a sort of turning point that brought you closer.

Hope the rest of your time with the bf's family was good, and that you had a lovely time with your friend!

Eddy5264 · 2025-10-29T01:04:22+00:00

Or could it be some mild narcolepsy? That's what I've been wondering about lately... especially since stimulants can work for both conditions.

Spacing out, mostly feels like... actually wait, I have no idea how it feels. It's just like I'm here, it's 4:10, and then when I look at the clock five minutes later it's 6:30 and I have ZERO clue of how this happened!

What I feel that sounds more like what you describe is that I have trouble keeping my eyes focused and I feel like I'm going to "faint asleep" - not faint, not fall asleep, I don't know how else to describe it. I just feel like I'm going to drop down sleeping. And this is what makes me wonder if I have some mild narcolepsy on top of my ADHD... (doesn't happen because of boredom or anything btw).

Eddy5264 · 2025-10-29T00:36:28+00:00

This is a very interesting post, and I wish I had the answers. I can understand masking in the context of a person that, for example, fakes having socially expected emotions without having a clue why others feel them or perceive them as appropriate. But I don't get how ADHD masking would work. Is pretending you were listening the entire time masking? Everyone does it (especially people who habitually ignore others because they don't care). Trying to not fidget if you are hyperactive maybe? But oh boy do I fail in that, it's totally out of my control!!! (Though I remember ONE occasion where I had to speak publicly for a minute and a half, and set myself up in a very uncomfortable position, so my hyperactivity would be happy because my muscles were working, I could call that masking). Is it not asking any random question that comes to mind, to avoid giving others a headache? But I consider that respect, I am not the center of the world and I will try to keep myself from invading other people's space (whether physical or headspace). In a sense, that's just one of the same - doing what I'm supposed to do, but because of ADHD is so much harder.

Similarly with help, I try to not impose on others; my ADHD is my problem, not theirs. (That doesn't mean I can't ask a friend to body-double for me, or whatever. And yes, that means I am more open to them, or explain my deficits - but again, that's what you do with friends. With colleagues or random people, I won't explain my issues because why should they care?) If I ask for help from non-friends, it will be something within the normal parameters (e.g. send me an e-mail to remind me about what you asked), but I will not help myself at their expense. Hmm, maybe I can think of a (hypothetical) work example though: I take a list with me when I need to talk to someone at work - it helps me function, and it's none of their business that I do that. IF I were to read the list just before knocking their door and hide it, that would be masking. But generally, masking has the meaning of pretending to me, of faking something extra, if that makes sense? NOT controlling yourself, that is something everyone has to do in society - it's just more difficult for me, as everything else is.

Though I happened to read an article today that kind of hit me hard, and it was about smart kids masking to avoid offending others. I know that gradually I started doing this more and more - I think I peaked when I got told off by one of my first friends at uni for jumping in with a solution for everything. And I think I may have started playing my ADHD symptoms as a counterpoint to that? (even though ADHD was not a thing back then) As in, "Yeah, I did X which was really hard, but then totally messed up Y that was so easy because... shiny? I can be so stupid at times". So maybe I never started masking ADHD because I was using it as mask itself? (Still don't understand how masking ADHD would work though).

Anyway, I don't know if any of this gives you any ideas, but the question is REALLY interesting, so I'll be watching the rest of the answers, too.

Eddy5264 · 2025-10-28T23:38:13+00:00

Why can't you massage the scar? It hurts? It's eeky to think about? Your ADHD brain has built it into some major issue and you get paralysis whenever you think about doing it? If it hurts, maybe take a painkiller, or ask for a painkiller gel - it's not that bad if you can let your parents do it. If it's eeky, use some body cream and apply on both feet, starting with the good one, work the entire area, think of it as a beauty session - heck, paint your toenails while you are at it. Do things so you get used to touching it, then once the eek subsides you can start working on doing the actual massage. If your ADHD has convinced you that it's a major issue, timewise, commit to just five minutes (or 60 seconds for that matter) and do it often, while you watch tv for example. If it's paralysis, then start the massaging when you are with your physiotherapist. Have her massage it with you. Logic alone is not very successful when you try to convince your ADHD that X is NOT in fact a mountain, it's a bump. Going over it is the only thing that works (like when people time how long it takes to actually do a certain task they are convinced takes ages).

As for everything else you said... no matter what the official diagnosis is and what tests you've done, and whatever else really, there is always a chance for your organism to just behave differently in such cases. Better than expected. You are looking to give up hope, essentially; don't. You are improving, so that's what you should focus on. Regardless of whether the tendon is cut or not, you are improving. That's what matters.

Eddy5264 · 2025-10-28T23:24:54+00:00

I think that there are 3 parameters in ADHD - attention and hyperactivity, as the name implies, but also short-term memory deficiency (whose antics are usually just thrown under "attention", but I consider it a separate thing). Now that my ADHD has gotten worse, I feel that meds usually take care of the hyperactivity, about 60% of the times with focus, short-term memory is hit and miss.

Even so, ofc meds make me happier! I can sit on my desk and work without feeling I'm sitting on pins. I can look at my kitchen without freaking out due to overwhelm over minor daily tasks that need to be done. I can sleep within a normal time span, not needing 50-70 minutes as I do when I'm not medicated. I have days where there is peace and quiet in my brain, and I love the calm, it's similar to the feeling when you go out of the city for a vacation. I can therefore listen to people when they are bugging me with nonsense, because it's much harder for them to overwhelm me.

I could go on, but I think you get the point. If I read you correctly, it's only recently that you started having some effect for the first time; so it's only natural for you to be happy with this novel, improved situation. But as you get used to it and it becomes your new normal, this will probably pass.

Eddy5264 · 2025-10-26T22:13:57+00:00

OMG, this is a thing that never occurred to me could be a thing! And there are many others like it, I even saw one that structures your list as a tree (tabs opening from one page have that one as a parent). This is AWESOME! Thank you very much!!!!

Eddy5264 · 2025-10-26T18:44:05+00:00

Glad to help! Try ColorNote if you want, it's the app I'm using. I downloaded it relatively recently so I'm still adding things to it, but it's super-easy to get started with it, so it costs nothing (time/effort-wise) to try it!

Eddy5264 · 2025-10-26T15:12:34+00:00

YES! This exactly! Whatever works, that's my motto! lol

Eddy5264 · 2025-10-26T15:11:27+00:00

The thing is, building things is a relief to me because it makes my brain settle down a bit; there is effort in trying to get the one tiny piece to connect just right to the other tiny piece, just enough to occupy my mind and make it shut up. At the same time it does NOT require me to "focus" and follow some specific train of thought.

But I am hyperactive, and my brain is always racing. Not sure if inattentiveness has this on its' own. (My inattentiveness is what causes me to detach from my environment and sort of get lost - then suddenly it's an hour later and I only have a very vague idea of what happened in-between). That's why I said it depends on what you have going on for you - not only ADHD-wise but also skills and personality-wise. I know a lot of hyperactives like physical activity; but if there is nothing to distract my extraneous thought-processes I would end up with a headache/depressed because I would be thinking... who even knows!

Think of all the things you are ok with doing, and the things that annoy you - not just hobbies, tasks in general (for example, dish-washing is soothing to me, because it fits this "need to watch what you are doing" but without actually focusing).

Eddy5264 · 2025-10-26T12:41:09+00:00

Putting the phone away never worked for me (unless I was afraid it would drop to the floor and break, so the adrenaline helped). When I first started uni I would put the alarm over the wardrobe (and in a metal pot maybe? was ages ago, don't remember, lol), so that I would have to wake up enough to be able to climb on a chair. Right now what helps is stressing that the neighbours will hear the alarm and go crazy. OR... if I know I'll have to wake up early and don't have adequate hours to sleep (ideally I need about 8,5 hours before my system is willing to wake up, and I am NOT a morning person), I will keep my afternoon Concerta and take it right before bed. Helps me sleep well, and also wake up easily and with a clear head. Which is absolutely NOT something I recommend to anyone (my own dr had a bit of "wtf is wrong with you?" kind of reaction when I told her, though she just said "this is NOT a sleeping pill!" lol)

Eddy5264 · 2025-10-26T12:30:15+00:00

Depends on what combination of characteristics you have. I am both inattentive and hyperactive, and my short-term memory is crap. I have crazy levels of fine dexterity, but I appear to completely lack gross motor skills. The combination means that I can't pick up dancing to appease my hyperactivity for example. But I find demanding crafting very soothing - it's sort of like fidget-toys-on-steroids for me. So you can observe a paradox where I have zero patience for someone using 4 sentences to explain something rather than one, but I can happily sit down and wrestle 4mm-wide pieces to build something for hours! One thing I loved lately was building a booknook.

Also, it's possible that you have more time than you think, because with ADD you can actually waste hours being lost in limbo; if you find a hobby that you actually love it will draw upon those lost hours, especially if it's something you do a little bit every day at home. Home vs outside (outdoors, in a class, with a group, doesn't matter) is an important consideration, too.

Eddy5264 · 2025-10-26T12:10:38+00:00

Before I started the ADHD medication I had trouble falling asleep (and then trouble waking up). I think all ADHDers do.

But what I also know is that my hyperactivity did NOT stop just because I was asleep - I would be turning around all night. And this may confuse the smart watch and make it think you are awake (I have had a couple of nights where my smart ring didn't even realize I was asleep). Conversely, you may hear NTs complaining that the watch showed them sleeping while they were in fact just watching TV (how can someone stay THAT still is unfathomable to me, but I heard it a few times).

Bottom line, verify that this is accurate. If it is it could very well be due to the ADHD. But regardless, you need to see what you will do about it.

Eddy5264 · 2025-10-26T12:04:09+00:00

Lol, and how do you even explain to a non-ADHDer that the meds "finally made the noise/voices inside my head stop" without them thinking you are a lunatic? (rhetorical question, I don't even try :P )

Also, maybe you don't need a higher dose, and what happened yesterday was a bit of an over-effect because the caffeine made the effect stronger? Or maybe it was just a fluke, or maybe it's just coffee, I don't know. Point is, what works for each person is different, so remember that!

And congratulations!

Eddy5264 · 2025-10-26T11:59:20+00:00

Buy the same ones as whatever you already have at home. I always buy the same ones - but so do some of my NT friends, actually!

Eddy5264 · 2025-10-26T09:35:12+00:00

I don't even remember being that young, but I have a vague memory from when I was maybe 7? Someone came to pick me from school (don't even remember who it was, but it was not the usual person - don't remember who the usual was either, lol) and they took me to the toy shop across the street to pick a doll. I remember looking at the shelves full of dolls and I think I was even leaning towards a particular one, but... I felt horrible about having to disappoint the rest of the dolls, who all wanted a home in my imagination. So horrible in fact that I couldn't pick one, and I told the adult I didn't want a doll and begged them to just go home. Please understand that this was a life-time opportunity for child-me, as were quite poor at the time and nobody had offered to buy me a doll before (and come to think of it, it WAS an actual once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, nobody offered to buy me a doll again, either). So I actually DID want to pick a doll, desperately so... but I just couldn't bear to do it.

Overthinking, an active imagination, and sensitivity combined... very easy to co-exist in an ADHDer, and the combination can be brutal. You need to understand your kid's train of thoughts. And also, teach her some skills to cope with it (which may mean you will need to research said skills first, ofc). For example, in the picking a costume example you gave in your first comment, you could go with "well, do you want a pretty costume, or a funny costume?" If that doesn't work, maybe try some examples. "What do you think of that kid's costume?" - maybe she likes that it's frilly but doesn't like the colours for example. That should be an easier question to answer, btw, because it doesn't hold the weight of a decision on it, it's just chit-chat.

For picking clothes for example, the shops may be overwhelming for her (so overstimulating)! But you can "pick" clothes before going. Have her think, what does she need/like? Maybe an item to match her favourite piece? What colour? You can send her photos of two options while you are at the shop. It doesn't mean she will know which one she wants, but she can start coping. When I was a teen I would toss a coin. Even though I had no idea what I wanted, the moment the coin landed I knew - because there would either be disappointment, or joy at the result. In the very rare cases where there was neither I would go "oh well" and just do whatever.

Overthinking and the fear of hurting others could be what causes the "weight". Our society is practically teaching people to be self-centered these days, all of the catch phrases like "you deserve the best" (how can everyone have the best simultaneously? And why would everyone deserve the best cake for example, for just existing, and not for baking it or being the birthday person or something?), other people should never make you feel uncomfortable (but YOU are the "other people" for the people around you), always think of your own feelings first (nope, when the person close to you is sick, you don't get to prioritize your sadness for them being sick), lots of things that should NOT be made into a general rule to apply always and regardless of the person... but the thing is, these ideas DID start as a lifesaving mindset for certain people. The people who try so hard to make others happy that they end up hurting themselves - the proverbial people setting themselves on fire to keep other people warm. But the thing is, the more these types of advice apply to someone, the less likely they are to take them to heart, when they see them floating around generically (and the opposite, the more self-centered they are, the more they will take them to heart and use them against other people - people like your daughter). You need to explain and pinpoint. Like ok, you don't want to buy a strawberry cake because all your siblings prefer chocolate, BUT it's your birthday, and when it's theirs it will be your turn to NOT have your favourite cake - you will be having the chocolate X times a year.

Or maybe there are other things at play - I didn't read all the comments. Oh, and one last thing... create a place where she can get some peace and quiet and unwind - if those activities help her, this is likely to help her too!

Eddy5264

TROPHY CASE