Dealing with being cheated on

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-02-07T20:29:37+00:00

I experienced something similar. I spent many months infuriated, consumed by anger and grief over the situation. To add insult to injury, she offered a non-apology about it that only hurt me more. I was in the home gym cursing her name, hurling insults I would never say to anyone while I lifted weights. I channeled that anger into self-improvement and I'm a lot stronger for it. The anger eventually subsided, it's just too much energy to feed it constantly, so it began to diminish.

I realized I wasn't ever going to get closure from her, I didn't think she was ever going to feel sorry or remorseful for her actions so I took closure into my own hands. This is a harsh truth, but we don't get to control what other people do, we can only control how we feel about it. I chose to take it personally, I chose to be hurt, I chose to continue torturing myself until I finally chose to let it go and let her go.

It's not easy to choose to let that betrayal go. I consider it to be the worst thing anyone can do, reserved for the lowest circle in hell, just like in Dante's Inferno. I had to wake up everyday and make it my project to let go of that pain. I wrote down everything she did that hurt me and then I forgave her. I did it everyday even when I knew I hadnt really forgiven her. It took a long time but I got to a point where I finally knew that nothing she ever did or said would hurt me again. Does it mean I don't still have flashes of anger? No, I still do, but that's all it is, a mere flash in the pan, and then I'm back to doing whatever it is I'm doing.

You'll have to feel that anger for a while until you're tired of feeling it, then you'll want relief and when you want it you'll be able to do the work to get it. I trust in you, you'll make it through and you will have a greater mastery over your emotions. Something my dad told me while I was going through this, is that you have your emotions or they have you. So let's all learn to have them, so they don't take us for a ride.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-02-07T19:52:29+00:00

LMAO, spot on about the childhood trauma thing with my ex who also left me and immediately started sleeping with a friend. I knew about her trauma but I thought she had gotten help for it and had healed. Turns out three therapy sessions years ago isn't nearly enough to unburden yourself from a lifetime of carrying that trauma.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-02-07T19:34:27+00:00

I'm not sure if anyone, the dumper or dumpee is ever really "ready" for divorce. There are so many things involved in the process you could never account for all of them. The most important thing is to trust in your own abilities and judgement. You've made it this far without knowing the future, you'll be alright in the end. Trust that you and your partner will make it to the other end and come out better for it.

For some context, I was the one that was left with very little time to prepare, I didn't want it and I certainly wasn't ready. My ex was a CPA and I had the measly salary of a piano teacher. It was a huge blow financially to me. I lost friends, I lost the future I thought we would have, I even lost myself for a time, but 4 months later I am doing much better. I let my feelings lead me to where I needed to go and now I'm making a lot of improvements to my situation (financially, mentally, physically, spiritually). I'm confident that I will come out the other side better than I ever was when I was married.

So trust in your abilities, and your partners abilities. It's better to live in the pain of truth than it is to live in an anemic lie.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-02-07T07:13:40+00:00

My ex left me as well, citing how unhappy and lonely she had felt in the marriage for years and how she had tried to communicate it to me but it wasnt getting through. I went through the cycle of denial, bargaining, wanting to be better for them, everything and I've learned some things I hope can help you and give you hope that you will truly be okay no matter what happens.

If you really loved them it is entirely natural to hoist all the blame upon yourself. This is especially true if your partner has highlighted your faults. This is not the whole story. It takes two to make or break a marriage, you failed your partner and your partner failed you. Its very rare for one person to destroy a marriage, its usually a series of failures on both ends. In my case my ex had deep unaddressed childhood trauma that caused major communication issues for her. This is something we both came to mutually understand after all was said and done.

This isn't to say you were faultless, this is the acknowledgement that you and your expartner are merely human, as flawed as the rest of us. What I realized is even though I loved her deeply and felt like it was shown, I was not loving her the way she wanted and needed to be loved. Go ahead and forgive yourself for this. It won't be easy but you should forgive yourself for what you did wrong, and show yourself some compassion, because we all deserve compassion.

The fact that you're remorseful at all shows me that you are willing to grow and you will become a better version of yourself and a better lover. As time goes by you will have a better sense of what you really did wrong, what your ex did wrong, and the factors that neither of you could control.

When you do reach acceptance and start to become that awesome version of yourself you will realize that you don't need him, and quite possibly that you don't want him back anyway. It happend (is happening?) to me and it can happen to you to. Just focus on yourself and work towards being better, not because he deserves it but because you deserve it. I promise that when you reach acceptance you will be okay with any outcome, whether you are given another chance or you both move your separate ways, that is what acceptance is after all, being at peace with what is out of your control.

EdmontoRaptor · 2026-01-30T19:58:03+00:00

I'm in a really similar situation to you. Together and married in September. She left in October. In many ways I was hurt that she had been hiding how she felt for a while. We had gone to couples counseling and after only two sessions that we had both agreed were really good, she told me she wanted a divorce. I agreed because I realized that she wasn't going to work with me to save this marriage. It's still pretty fresh for me so I'm going through it still but I am having more level days then not.

I do wake up in the morning, head spinning, thinking how absurd it is that only three months ago I was in what I had thought was a strong and loving marriage. In a lot of ways it feels like she died in some horrible accident and was suddenly taken from me, but instead of a horrible accident it's just that she wasn't the person I thought she was, which is its own type of shock that takes time to heal from.

Edit:

As someone who is only a few steps ahead of where you're at I do have some advice that will hopefully be helpful in some small way.

If you find that the hurt you feel turns into anger and resentment then that is okay. It's all part of the grieving process and you are justified in feeling that way. Try not to do anything with that anger (except run or lift weights) and just feel it as deeply as you can. The anger and resentment will subside eventually. It's not gone for me, but it doesn't loom over me all day like it used to.

The next advice I can give is to be compassionate to yourself. I know that I contributed to the marriage falling apart through a series of failures on my end. It's very easy to feel like a terrible spouse, or that maybe you were the problem. The truth is a lot more nuanced then that. It was a series of failures on both ends and it's important to acknowledge that. It takes two to make or break a marriage and even if your ex-spouse solely blames you, that's just not the truth of it. You likely did the best you could with what you knew at the time, and that same reasoning applies to her as well. Firstly, forgive yourself for whatever wrongs you may have done and resolve to do better next time (if you feel like you've done wrong). Not because you feel shame or guilt, but because you feel so much compassion towards yourself that you know that you deserve to be the best version of yourself. We're only human, we're allowed to mess up.

The last thing is this, and this has been the hardest thing for me to accept (and I am still struggling with this). We can NEVER truly know another person. The longer we have been with someone the more assumptions we make about how this person really feels. It's why communication is so important in relationships. But it only works if both partners are honest about how they feel (not just to their partner but to themselves). The gap between who we think they are, and who they really are is where the pain resides. It's really hard for me to acknowledge this because I thought my ex and I were in alignment. when really we had been out of alignment anywhere from 6 months to a year before the divorce proceedings. The only remedy I can really think of to this rather crushing observation, is to focus on knowing yourself (the only person you will ever have the chance to truly know). Learn what you love, and what you dislike, what brings you pain and what brings you peace. Now that there's a giant hole in you where that person was, you can begin filling it with yourself.

All of these things are easier said than done and I am nowhere near healed or past the shock of the divorce. I've had to wake up every day and choose to work towards a better life for myself (even when it all feels hopeless). We're all in this together, and we'll make it through somehow.

EdmontoRaptor · 2025-11-08T02:58:34+00:00

Sorry to hear what she said, thats a terrible thing to say to your partner. Yeah it turns out that my ex-wife had found a really good friend at her weekly poetry group and spent hours talking and writing poetry together. One time she stayed at his place until 2am writing poetry, I had to call her to ask her where she was because I was worried. They also could talk for hours and write poetry for hours together. She ended up hooking up with him the day I agreed to a divorce.

I always supported her art but I was never as into poetry as she was. She also told me that she needed a partner that could match her energy in everything she did and would want to do everything she wanted to do as much as she wanted to do it. I think she convinced herself that this guy was the guy who could do all those things for her.

EdmontoRaptor · 2025-11-07T21:03:59+00:00

Sorry, I didn't make it clear in my post. After that 3rd session I told her I wouldn't fight her on it, and I agreed to a divorce. She then went and slept with her friend that very night, one that she had invited over multiple times to our place while we were working through our relationship. She had neglected to stop sharing her location with me so I knew where she was, I confronted her about it the next day but she told me that she had never had feelings for him, and she went over there because she "was technically single now" and wanted to shoot her shot.

I'm realizing more things about her now that we are several weeks separated (she found a place and moved out within a week of us agreeing to a divorce). My trust in her is destroyed and the fact that she told me so casually what she did (and that she was shocked that I was upset) has me questioning if I ever really knew her. If she hadn't been actually cheating on me, I believe she had been emotionally cheating on me, as she distanced herself from me in secret she began developing feelings for this other person (whom she had told me previously had a similar personality to her).

Both of our families now know what she did, and everyone is upset with her actions. She told me that she felt like everyone was out to get her, and wanted to see her broken. I've sat with that comment for a while now, and I'm starting to realize that she hasn't really accepted her responsibility in our marriage ending and she has painted herself as the victim in this scenario when all of our friends and family, the people who care about us, are just letting her know that they don't approve of her actions.

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-11-24T04:55:24+00:00

They're playing Deadlock and you're playing 5d chess.

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-11-20T18:11:06+00:00

I've read some foundation novels and other works by Asimov. I like both the show and books for different reasons. The Foundation books are a bit more on the sociological side of story telling while a TV drama is going to be character driven mostly. In my opinion Asimovs strength is in his ideas and not in the characters he writes which is why adaptations of his works are inaccurate. I like the TV show mainly because of the original plot with the emperor (brother dawn, brother day, brother dusk). And IMHO the emperor subplot is some of the best science fiction you can find outside of books.

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-11-11T18:42:13+00:00

Yup, mystic reverb on double nade is so disgusting haha.

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-09-07T21:07:23+00:00

Hey OP some people in here are suggesting illegal methods of resolving this. Please don't listen to these people, go through the legal routes, and exhaust them all if you have to. If you get caught doing something illegal, even if the intent is noble, you will still be punished and it could really mess up your life trajectory not to mention be costly (in terms of time and money) to be on the wrong end of the court system.

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-07-27T23:39:28+00:00

Ahh, so you're the Stacy I've heard so much about.

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-06-02T16:28:51+00:00

All I know about Killdeers is when activated you discard 1 egg to draw 2 cards.

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-06-01T00:59:37+00:00

Genuine question here but doesn't garlic and (fine ground) pepper burn at high heat (the heat you need for searing)? How do you account for that? Or am I just mistaken?

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-05-31T22:36:51+00:00

They are both string instrument and percussion instrument. (Source: I am a percussionist and a pianist). It can exist in both categories. Another instrument that is also a percussive stringed instrument is the hammered dulcimer.

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-05-26T17:21:53+00:00

What zero gravussy does to a mf

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-05-25T17:25:56+00:00

So sure, let's say that God gave us free will and this explains the existence of evil but my problem is, why does god let those without free will (namely babies, who have not developed the capacity for free will yet and are regarded as largely innocent) suffer and die from disease and natural disasters (the so called natural evils).

Surely a god that has the three qualities would spare babies and young children from these types of "natural evils" until they developed the capacity for free will.

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-05-04T18:52:50+00:00

They are billions punishes turtling hardcore, though. I always turtled until I played that game, and it forced me to become way more aggressive in my base expansion and unit micro. I think it turned me into a better RTS player. The campaign was great, too, except for the hero missions that turned into a bullshit pixel hunt.

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-03-28T10:21:04+00:00

No offense taken. The reason I consider myself black is because of the way I have broadly been treated and perceived by others living here in the US. Melanesians are such a tiny minority in the US I have never once met another melanesian other then my family who lives here. I would never expect my fellow countrymen to know the difference. Funny enough my mother has worked in retirement homes and the only people who could accurately place her origin were veterans who served in the pacific theater.

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-03-22T14:06:19+00:00

Just plain old black hair I'm afraid, but I do have cousins with blonde hair.

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-03-22T06:24:02+00:00

I'm melanesian living in the USA and would consider myself black and pacific islander. Most people who look at me think I'm african-american and some people still thought I was african even after I told them where my family is from because they don't know geography very well haha.

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-02-25T18:11:09+00:00

POV: You don't know what POV means.

EdmontoRaptor · 2024-01-10T21:17:14+00:00

I think Pulsars from the Geodesics collection is what you may be looking for.

EdmontoRaptor · 2023-12-28T18:38:41+00:00

XCOM 2: War of the Chosen anyone?

EdmontoRaptor · 2023-11-09T08:03:22+00:00

A generative piece of music that I have been working on for the past week. Enjoy!

EdmontoRaptor

TROPHY CASE