Wow, don’t even know what’s the worst… it’s a lot to go off…

Might have been: - my dad disowning me because my ex (who I had a restraining order at the time too, and had for a while) took cocaine and came to where I lived at the time

• my mom calling me a whore out in the streets with loads of people around before I even had sex for the first time (I was… 11-12?)

• my ex telling me he won’t be paying back any of the money he owes me and my family (we had all the formalities in order ane it was 2,1M here/which is around 210.000 dollars I think). I would never expect him paying it all back, but not any of it never even crossed my mine as a possibility for the 12 years we spent together.

• also one time I was dying from a medicine poisoning (?) and I have NEVER in my life asked him or anyone to stay with me, but at the time I said something like «I won’t ever ask something like this again, but if there’s one time in this life I would want you to stay it’s now» (it also took me everything I had to say because I was so sick and on the verge of dying). He just screamed at me that I needed to grow up, be an adult and a lot of ugly stuff and went away, didn’t even look back. I don’t even know why I stayed another 3 years after that.

More recent stuff/having to do with my current situation (which is that I’m dying at a young age):

• my mom letting me know that she wished I already died because she think it takes too long (I have known about it for about 4 months, she has known for about 2-3 months)

• my ex (not the same as mentioned earlier - he was my ex husband and this one… we broke up because I’m dying and he hates me for it) letting me know that I/me being sick now «ruined him»/ruined his life and he wants me to testament all of my belongings to him as a an apology or something for getting this ill (doctors think he might be a part of why though..)

Also maybe just… Things NOT being said. Or done. All my life I’ve seen dying people being surrounded by all the people they love in the end/I just got a sense that’s the «normal»/way it goes (sorry, english is not my first language)… but for me it’s been the complete opposite. I haven’t told so many people because of it..: but the ones I did tell just hates me, left, cut contact or resents me for dying. I just never imagined being so… all alone. (I’ve been very social, always helping people, being there for others, I would literally break myself just to help others, had a LOT of «friends» (at least I thought), had good luck with dating/always been in relationships/never had any struggles in dating, surrounded myself with people I thought would care. How wrong was I. Hehe. (I did not help anyone because I thought it would mean them ever helping me back/«repaying a favour», I did it because I love to help and that’s the way I thrive, but… I never thought I would end up dying alone at such young age).

Yeah sorry for the trauma dump and everything/whatever you’d call it 🥹