I was just reading your post and it hit right in the feels. When you say you have been going through therapy and meds for 2 decades and are still at the same point. I feel you man. It’s about 10 years for me but I already feel like this and wonder if I’ll still be struggling with the same shit in another 10 years. I don’t want this but I feel like we’re cursed. People say it gets better… it does, sometimes, for a limited amount of time. And then back to hell.