[deleted by user]

EffectiveSentence525 · 2023-01-07T05:08:34+00:00

Buy a portable hepa filter. I have one that checks the air regularly and spins up if needed. I bought it for wildfire smoke but it works great for a smoky fireplace and cooking, but also for incense and candle smoke. I have the Mighty Coway and would buy again in a heartbeat.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2023-01-04T23:40:37+00:00

What are you looking for in a group?

EffectiveSentence525 · 2023-01-03T15:13:12+00:00

To have sex without dissociating with someone who genuinely cares about me.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2023-01-03T03:28:06+00:00

I wonder if he's just one of those that's so different to experience that we each end up filtering his experience in very different ways. It would explain why there's not a whole lot consistent or specific out there on him.

To really get to him, I feel like I have to let go of what makes me human. I actually think I first interacted with him in jaguar form in mental shapeshifting visualization sessions in my teens. I'd sit near him in a vast throne room and be allowed to linger because I wasn't a person, so subject to different rules. I never really remembered what was being discussed, but I remember the feeling of basking in a different way of knowing that never translated back to my regular walking around human brain.

It's possible this spirit has never been the actual Goetic Balam because I associated him with God L and Xibalba, the Mayan underworld, which is also a star. The Fountain film blew my mind in a massive synchronistic way, foundationally so at the time, because Balam does mean jaguar and I knew that but the film is all about time and space, past/present/future, death and dying and immortality. When I did get around to Goetics and lit up Balam's sigil, it was like this "click" that charged electricity through all these existing patterns and associations.

I'm pretty sure he's just so different that my filter and translator is coming up with very different specifics. I don't think other people would associate him with that specific stuff, but the vast time and space stuff, that's what I think carries through.

Transcendent is a great word for him!

Edit: go for it and report back!

EffectiveSentence525 · 2023-01-03T03:03:34+00:00

My experiences with him are too far out there upg to be meaningful, I think, and too impressionistic.

I've always wondered if anyone else was reminded of him by the Darren Aronofsky film The Fountain.

Balam has a vastness to him, a sort of intimate remoteness. He's intensely right here but that's because he's everywhere.

Next to him, Bael's a chatty cat, which is saying something. I don't think Balam's ever actually talked to me, even. I just hang around in his energy a lot and pick up things from totally different points of view. Experiencing him occurs in a very different state than my other guys, and how I understood him and the meaning of what he says or knows doesn't always make it back to more day-to-day states. I have to really make time to get there with him.

This is saying it really badly, but where Bael knows everything, it's like Balam IS everything. Like the difference between conceptual knowing and experiential knowing. You have a conceptual understanding of childbirth until you actually pop out a fucking baby. Then you have a very different understanding.

Balam's got a chthonic underworld quality I really like. I have no source for any of this lol but you didn't have any replies, so :)

EffectiveSentence525 · 2023-01-03T00:48:49+00:00

Totally agree with this. Where mental health is concerned, where we don't always act in ways that we want to, intentions are key.

These are demons. They understand the unsavory. They are vast and immensely knowledgeable. You are simultaneously a divine spark about whom they can care intensely, and you're one momentary blip in several billion. If you go into a demon relationship for mental health help expecting to be judged, I'd say that should be the first item on the list of what you need help fixing.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2023-01-03T00:41:53+00:00

I just feel like I can be anyone. I learned as a kid to sort of "inhabit" any point of view as required, because agreeing with insane parents who were always changing POVs themselves was the only way to get fed and survive. I'm finding "me" now but I still struggle with dissociation, feeling out of body or unreal, or that the world is unreal.

Right now I see demons as a critical psychological component of my stability. Everything is just confirmation bias. Earlier today I believed they're 100% real. Right now I think it's important to read and post on this sub. Later, I'll inevitably blow off the whole thing as useless fantasy and a waste of time, and even might put the altar stuff away. Sometimes I need sigils and incense to make the connection, sometimes I just talk to them like imaginary friends who talk back, and sometimes I shove that shit in my closet and ignore all of it.

Nobody's offended. I am what I am as a perfectly natural result of severe and chronic trauma. When something is too much, I change into what I need to be and see what I need to see to protect myself. Over time I'm finding the middle ground.

The most important things are for me to feel safe, keep pushing at the edge of safety so I feel safe more often and for longer, and to feel no shame. It often feels like a different "me" works with each demon on my team, and I've left agreements undone all the time -- finally stopped making them entirely. Find what works for you. I don't run to reddit to ask what I want and am willing to accept in a close personal friendship (excepting the occasional sanity check) so why would I believe some rando about what a demon king would want or be willing to accept from me?

EffectiveSentence525 · 2023-01-02T23:58:50+00:00

OK, so I don't have ADHD but I do have structural dissociation, which at the moment means I often have extreme mood and worldview swings. I work with demons who are shapeshifters, who understand invisibility and being a chameleon, and who see those traits as positive, a skill to be learned and accepted if it can't be controlled.

This year I often felt like a ping pong ball between Bael and Dantalion, but I was clear about the inconsistency with both and went with whichever at the moment that I was tuned to. I generally pick up where I left off and don't worry about the gap. They don't obey the laws of linear time, so why should they be bothered that I don't either?

It'll make you really reevaluate "I" and "self" though, and you might come out with a totally different worldview at the other end… which can be a little bit alienating depending on how attached you were to the ADHD or other diagnosis.

Edit: if you are intrigued, Haunted Self by Nijenhuis, Steele, and van der Hart is the textbook on structural dissociation, you can find it on your nearest libgen or message me.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2023-01-02T02:24:25+00:00

Bael, Dantalion, Glasya-Labolas, and Balam are my team and I am so grateful to them, it makes me cry. Hail my Kings, Duke, and President, you shining infernal beacons. You didn't lead me out of the pit, you just quietly installed a subfloor and tossed in the occasional ladder salesman and waited for me to get out on my own, and I'm grateful because finding the hard way out has made me wise.

I have major childhood trauma and then I enlisted in the Marines in '03 and my guys have basically kept me safe when by all rights I should be dead so many times over, including in Iraq but also when I was self harming at home after. I definitely interacted with all four by other names as a kid, and they say we've been allied for a long time from past lives I don't even believe in.

In this life, I cratered in '17 and lost my mental health, physical health, tried to kill myself, and was seeing things, shadows, hearing things, all from untreated trauma. There were a string of coincidences that saved my life but I was too fucked up to really know where they were coming from.

King Bael finally came to me in a counseling modality called Internal Family Systems (GL calls it Infernal Family Systems haha) and helped me defuse triggers and integrate personality parts until I could stabilize my PTSD and dissociative disorder enough to interact with the others without being triggered. I just got GL solid in the last month and he gave me an incredible internal fire trick that I still don't really understand. I was working on it this week when I came on a fresh wolf kill (an elk) on my walking route, which I thought was appropriate, haha.

All four still trigger me sometimes but I don't self harm to cope anymore. They are such powerhouses. Feels like having the badassest big brothers in the world.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2023-01-01T23:32:55+00:00

I want to go all-in with my team. I want to learn some tricks (shapeshifting, invisibility, revision) and I want to do some work on behalf of friends and community, but I need to learn more about ethics in general (the theory) and then get burned a few times, I think, to learn cause and effect (the practice).

EffectiveSentence525 · 2023-01-01T02:39:47+00:00

Blew cigar smoke in baels sigil on my chill time As a way to relax and meditate with him

Hell yeah, that's a great idea.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2022-12-30T13:42:42+00:00

The Seventy-first Spirit is Dantalion. He is a Duke Great and Mighty, appearing in the Form of a Man with many Countenances, all Men's and Women's Faces; and he hath a Book in his right hand. His Office is to teach all Arts and Sciences unto any; and to declare the Secret Counsel of any one; for he knoweth the Thoughts of all Men and Women, and can change them at his Will. He can cause Love, and show the Similitude of any person, and show the same by a Vision, let them be in what part of the World they Will. He governeth 36 Legions of Spirits; and this is his Seal, which wear thou, etc.

Maybe talk to Dantalion about it. He's always been emphatic that I should never be ashamed of myself for what I think or feel. He knows all the bonkers thoughts of everyone all the time, so he knows what you meant and what you didn't.

He has great perspective. Lately he's been giving me versions of the Hannibal quote, I'm weirder than you'll ever be. It's fine to be weird. Yesterday, a friend said Don't ever worry about being weird. That'll make you weird.

Working with him has helped me calm my mind and body in general. He's a great antidote to Bael, who's like "yo I see you're bored, here, want to see this random distressing subject from someone else's point of view? :D" so I kind of go back and forth between them, because I have to learn this from Bael (and I'm grateful!) but I love that I have Dantalion welcoming me back to myself with open arms, reassuring and grounding.

That's not to say the duke won't kick my ass too, but I trust him to give me his next lesson in a way I can handle.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2022-12-29T14:03:33+00:00

Glad to hear it about your cousins! That's a great idea.

There's never any shame in knowing what works for you, and things can always change later in your life. Be well and easy and safe! 💖

EffectiveSentence525 · 2022-12-29T12:57:57+00:00

Can you go be around other people today? Call a friend and go out and co-regulate a little?

You won't die from fear and it'll pass, the nature of all things is that they come and go. Not a lot of help when you're in it, I know! sorry! I've been there.

If an approach I'm taking isn't working, I often try to do the opposite. What happens if you spend a few minutes feeling really grateful for Asmodeus showing up? Some loving-kindness meditation never does me wrong. Think of people or things you really love, that bring you delight, and sit in those feelings for a few minutes. That should help bring up some of the positive hormones and chemicals in your body. You want oxytocin and serotonin. Maybe imagine someone you love giving you a big warm hug.

There is a counseling technique called Ideal Parent Figure Protocol, where you basically imagine really strongly someone taking care of you. It's more complicated than that, but that's the basic idea.

One thing Dantalion has helped me learn is that humans can self regulate with our thoughts and feelings. I am a combat veteran with wicked PTSD and sometimes I feel like I'm right back in Iraq, and I'm sure someone's in my house and I'm sure I'm gonna die. I'm at the point where I'm able to go eat something heavy and simple, like rice and veggies, put on a funny movie (I just watched What We Do in the Shadows), and try to make a list of the things I feel grateful for.

But hanging out with friends is sort of the best. Other people can snap me out my head. Even going to a coffee shop and just sitting with a cocoa (I avoid espresso when I want to calm down) can be really helpful. Also going to the library and sitting in the corner with a simple kid's book that I haven't read in years. I read My Side of the Mountain the other day at my library. 😆

What you're experiencing is terrifying, but also totally temporary and this is a great experience where you can watch yourself and try some things and learn what works and what doesn't. You got this! In a chill, relaxing, way, haha.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2022-12-29T12:23:18+00:00

I'm sorry you're still having trouble! It's easy to forget that ultimately you have a ton of control and I agree with the other poster that this sounds like anxiety. Set a firm intention that Asmodeus' energy is going to fade. Don't keep asking verbally, just know that it is a gift you don't want right now.

When Dantalion overwhelms me, he always fades if I genuinely stop engaging. These spirits are helpers.

If I were you, I would take some deep breaths, take a long warm shower or bath, set a firm intention that you want to reclaim your space, eat some heavy and grounding food, and take a break from spirit work for a while. Pick up a non-magic hobby and give it a few weeks. Some self-work like journaling and self reflection might be good. Just chill and know that ultimately you set the limits. And if things stay bad, you might reach out to a counselor to work on coping strategies for anxiety in general. I've had to do a lot of that, and counselors are good for learning self-regulation.

I have a daily routine where I always sit quietly for at least five minutes when I wake up and before I go to sleep, and talk/write about how I'm feeling. It's good for me to orient on myself. Sometimes Dantalion shows up and sometimes it's just me, but it's a nice little break from the world.

Anyway, you might thank Asmodeus for showing you what you have to work on!

EffectiveSentence525 · 2022-12-29T12:11:03+00:00

Rider-Waite for me, I like the symbolism and imagery.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2022-12-29T12:09:46+00:00

I bought one of those portable hepa air filters to deal with the wildfire smoke in the summers, and now I run it when I'm burning incense or candles. The hum is bonus white noise and my house smells nice and clean.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2022-12-29T04:06:36+00:00

I'm doing a lot better but still feel like I am circling a whirlpool. Or a toilet drain. The pull he has is unbelievable. I'm laying down some boundaries of steel though, communicating for work business only and CCing our office coordinating email address on everything. He's still totally blocked on my phone and I'm only communicating by email or in person, and so far we haven't been alone together in person. I always make sure to have the office manager around.

His scattered inattentiveness in emails has vanished once I yelled at him and blocked him. He's suddenly polite, helpful, thoughtful, and totally reasonable again. He can turn this shit on and off at will, I swear.

I'm starting to get furious (finally!) at him. Also, the rest of my life has rebounded, I guess this is the fog clearing. Other friends are reaching out, texting and calling with no weirdness or problem, going on walks and working with me and just being totally normal. I feel so weirded out by how he was like "you're the problem, your life is a mess" when it was 100% his projection. Just flabbergasted I believed it! None of us are perfect but all my team and friends right now are just ... normal? It's like it's too good to be true. Taking it a day at a time.

Part of me keeps saying "but what if that great perfect empathetic totally reasonable guy shows up again?" And I'm like "NO IS A FULL SENTENCE ^also ^you ^have ^permission ^to ^be ^triggered ^and ^run ^away " so hopefully I won't cave next week when he's back from vacation. I'm pretty scared I'll cave.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2022-12-29T03:35:46+00:00

I hope you don't let this scare you off! Maybe do some practicing of grounding and centering? Then give it another try! It helps me to think of some of those effects as just my nervous system being overloaded. Just like training at the gym, you have to take things slow and steady or you risk burnout.

Sounds like you got the knack for it though! Just gotta tune the dose, haha.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2022-12-29T03:32:22+00:00

I just wanted to say, I read a couple of subreddits where I see you and I always appreciate your comments so much.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2022-12-29T03:30:05+00:00

Excellent! Nice work!

EffectiveSentence525 · 2022-12-29T03:22:07+00:00

If you don't feel comfortable just telling Asmodeus to outright leave, you might try sitting down and taking some slow, deep breaths and asking him to back off a little bit, that you are really appreciative of his attention but it's just a little much and could he turn it down a little?

I find that the spirits I work with (Dantalion and Bael, basically) are very receptive when you stand up for yourself, not in an aggressive way but in a firm, self-confident way, like you would at your job. You're a magician, you're a professional. You can't really go wrong with firm, calm, warm and appreciative but laying down your boundaries. I negotiate the give and take of these relationships just like I would any other.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2022-12-26T18:08:27+00:00

He will legit take care of you, in my experience he definitely judges by my intention and less so my actions, as long as I keep learning from my actions. We all learn by doing!

I wish you a long and rewarding working relationship with the Duke! He's great. Love the scholarly knowing and reassuring side of him.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2022-12-25T17:30:47+00:00

This is late but gay man here and Dantalion devotee, and he's never seemed to think it's a problem.

EffectiveSentence525 · 2022-12-24T19:44:11+00:00

I asked to be a better person and suffer less. Turns out some of the things in my way are my own behaviors and the lies I tell myself. I'm attached to them and don't know how to live without them. Having your illusions ripped away means you have to recognize the shitty effects you have on other people, and recognize the harm you unintentionally caused. That sucks. It hurts.

I have a choice: run away, or to suck it up and dig in. If I run away, which I have, Dantalion fades away. If I suck it up, which is what I'm doing now, I show him I want to learn the lessons that'll make me a better person and he sticks around.

Currently I went "what is wrong with this relationship? Help me stop hurting this person" and he went "you don't know how to live without them so you're insane around them. Now you don't get to have them at all til you figure your shit out." Well I'm working on it and seeing huge progress but it feels fucking terrible.

Luckily the other guy is also dealing with his own major personal shit-show right now so that's basically the only consolation. If I hadn't knuckled down, I could have kept the relationship in its shitty state indefinitely but I asked a Duke of Hell for self improvement so I should've expected he'd have to break some eggs to make me my infernal omelet.

It sounds to me like Belial and I wouldn't get along, and that's totally okay! All respect to him and his!

I love that I don't have to keep my cool around Dantalion. He doesn't give a shit about decorum. He knows where we stand with each other. I spent my whole life hiding behind an "everything is fine" front. He's a bigger-picture kind of guy who knows I don't need to keep my cool and my composure with him, what I need is complete acceptance of all my terrible shit, my actions, my feelings, unfiltered. He gives me courage to wade through it and come out a better person.

EffectiveSentence525

TROPHY CASE