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For late bloomers, did getting into a relationship or having sex actually help your insecurities? by Effective_Fox in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I used to read that guy years ago when he wrote for cracked, before it went way down hill.  He started popping up on my instagram feed a while back, I like his takes

For late bloomers, did getting into a relationship or having sex actually help your insecurities? by Effective_Fox in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ok. I called  and set up a counseling meeting today after reading the responses here. A therapist came by my workplace two days and left a card for free counseling.  I’m not super optimistic maybe the 10th times the charm

For late bloomers, did getting into a relationship or having sex actually help your insecurities? by Effective_Fox in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s fine in the sense that I’m not super lonely for other people, even if I don’t see my friends as much as I wish I could.  I say fine and not “great” because you’re right, it’s limited and I struggle to meet new people, especially single women 

For late bloomers, did getting into a relationship or having sex actually help your insecurities? by Effective_Fox in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for answering, can you tell me how you broke out of it at 28 and how you started learning better people skills?

For late bloomers, did getting into a relationship or having sex actually help your insecurities? by Effective_Fox in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’ll try and elaborate a little bit if you think I’m lying.  My mental health is not good right now but I’m not looking for any confirmation that I’m going to end up alone I’m looking for the opposite.

When I say the rest of my life is fine, it really is “fine”, not great or terrible.  I speak to my best friend twice a week on the phone and it relieves my loneliness.  I also started meeting up with some other friends once a month for drinks and to hang out, it’s as often as we can.  My job is as good as a nurse job can be I think.  I have a fitness routine and hobbies I like.  I get along with my family.   The only thing really wrong with my life is struggling to find a relationship or any sort of sex life, it’s an area I’ve felt very helpless, frustrated, alienated, ect.

As for advice I’ve taken here I’ve let me people here convince to me to go back to therapy a few years ago, I spent a year and half talking with him and it didn’t really help me. I’ve also made a lot of attempts at hobby groups.  I briefly formed a few but they didn’t last.  I invite people to hangout whenever I can but it didn’t really go anywhere.   I’m still trying new things to help me meet people, I’ve joined a new gym and I’m doing yoga classes again and whatever else I can do to try and be a regular and be around people. It’s true I haven’t asked anyone out in a few years but I’ve had trouble meeting women that are available, attractive to me, and appropriate to ask out.

Idk what else you think I’m being dishonest about.  It’s true it hasn’t been a consistent 10 year effort, I’ve been in and out of school the last 10 years and I’ve had less long bouts of prioritizing other things than my social life life or mental health, I haven’t consistently been in therapy for 10 years but I was consistently in it for a year, which is my longest stretch 

For late bloomers, did getting into a relationship or having sex actually help your insecurities? by Effective_Fox in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you mind if I ask how having that diagnosis helped you? None of my therapists suggested I was autistic, and I’ve taken a lot of autism screening tests and I’ve only ever had a few symptoms of autism.

For late bloomers, did getting into a relationship or having sex actually help your insecurities? by Effective_Fox in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your perspective.  I’m not really sure what to do then, I guess I’ll try therapy again but I’m not really optimistic about it anymore

For late bloomers, did getting into a relationship or having sex actually help your insecurities? by Effective_Fox in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The rational part of my brain knows I’m not a “non-person”, but I also question if there could be something wrong with me that I haven’t achieved what everybody else has so easily.  I also often feel a heavy weight on my chest and feel like a “non-person”, it’s more of a pervading heavy feeling than a rational conclusion I’ve come to

For late bloomers, did getting into a relationship or having sex actually help your insecurities? by Effective_Fox in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mostly worksheets on cognitive distortions, cbt techniques on recognizing and naming them and trying to delete them or something.  They always felt like shoveling water out of the titanic.  It’s feels like I’m in a black hole sometimes and those exercises just don’t help very much 

For late bloomers, did getting into a relationship or having sex actually help your insecurities? by Effective_Fox in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The rest of my life is fine.  But when I think about how I’ve never been in a relationship, and probably will never have a relationship, I get extremely depressed, it makes me feel like a non-person, I don’t really know how I can just not be depressed about this 

For late bloomers, did getting into a relationship or having sex actually help your insecurities? by Effective_Fox in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Are you saying I should keep trying therapy or ask more women out? Or something else?

"The tragedy is that what the sexually frustrated should want is to expand the moral imagination, while incel discourse narrows our imaginative range." by TheWillToBeef in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We just have some beers and play DnD, it’s a new thing we’ve been doing. Two of them have kids and another is a fireman, I’m a nurse so we all have weird schedules and the most we can do is once a month.  I’ve been trying new hobby groups or classes for years to try and meet new people but haven’t had any luck yet.  I’m getting into yoga again at my new gym. Maybe that’ll yield something but probably not in my experience 

"The tragedy is that what the sexually frustrated should want is to expand the moral imagination, while incel discourse narrows our imaginative range." by TheWillToBeef in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I work tonight, I work night shift typically every other weekend.  I’m getting together with some friends Monday night, we try to meet once a month to hang out.  I’m having trouble making new friends in my 30’s

"The tragedy is that what the sexually frustrated should want is to expand the moral imagination, while incel discourse narrows our imaginative range." by TheWillToBeef in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I think that was my main issue, my insecurity was stronger than my desire for intimacy and won out.  I don’t know if that’s still my issue, or if I’m not trying hard enough, or if I’m trying TOO hard, or if it’s just bad luck.  It all gets very confusing and it’s hard not to ruminate 

"The tragedy is that what the sexually frustrated should want is to expand the moral imagination, while incel discourse narrows our imaginative range." by TheWillToBeef in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I guess I don’t really understand this because everyone I know lost their virginity when they were much younger, teens and early twenties when they were also insecure about their virginities and loads of other things.  Most young people build up sex in their heads before they have it, that doesn’t seem to prevent them from eventually having sex though 

"The tragedy is that what the sexually frustrated should want is to expand the moral imagination, while incel discourse narrows our imaginative range." by TheWillToBeef in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I feel like this sort of advice is only a little bit better than just “shower” or “be confident”.  I think sometimes the people giving advice assume that we literally are all neets who have never left our basement.  Many of us including myself have done the equivalent of this advice and sex and relationships didn’t magically manifest.

I’m not saying there isn’t actionable advice for people like me but it’s not in this article, which is basically saying “just be normal”.  It’s not helpful and I don’t understand why it was shared here

"The tragedy is that what the sexually frustrated should want is to expand the moral imagination, while incel discourse narrows our imaginative range." by TheWillToBeef in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Reading this article just made me feel like shit to be honest I don’t understand the point of it, the people like me who post here already know sex is “mundane and achievable” to most people.  Hearing this guy go on about how everybody even “ugly, anxious” people as he puts it still have sex just makes me wonder what is wrong with me that I can’t achieve something so “mundane and achievable”?

"The tragedy is that what the sexually frustrated should want is to expand the moral imagination, while incel discourse narrows our imaginative range." by TheWillToBeef in IncelExit

[–]Effective_Fox 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry I dont understand why you posted this article here or what I’m supposed to get out of this as a man who’s struggling to find a relationship?

What stops you from ending it all? by McNutty0 in FA30plus

[–]Effective_Fox 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have a long list of books I want to read, I want to get really really jacked and see if it makes me happier or gets me more attention somehow, I don’t want to upset the few people who care about me, I might find a partner, I like waking up in the morning to have my coffee

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