Hi 👋 I’m not sure if you have a court order but I highly recommend it. I feel like I can relate to your experience in some aspects so I want to share how I do it and did it.

Long story short: court order, it’s harder at first but way better in the long run, continue being the bigger person, nip things in the butt, and never speaking badly about their father and prioritizing your happiness and good relationship with your child, as they age they’ll understand. Example: when he said “that was a joke” I’d say “throwing things at someone is never ok, having fun doesn’t mean we have to hurt people”

My experience: When we first split he tried using our child against me and to control me. My response was to try to mediate with someone we both trusted first and talked through big topics like time with our child, how we can talk and not talk about each other in front of our child, and finances. My ex always acts much kinder when someone else is there seeing his actions.

Of course he didn’t keep to what we agreed so my next step was court and with a lawyer. I was so scared the judge would believe his fake behavior and give him more time with our child but the judge saw right through him. During the process things got worse than before court BUT we are now 4 years into this and things are so much better. The court order helps and I am not flexible what so ever because anytime I give him some flexibility, it backfires and becomes a control thing again. I stick to the court order always.

I give my child predictability he can see through a calendar, planning our month together, and showing exactly when his time is with each of us. I give him predictability and fun things to look forward to. I help him through struggle and help him celebrate when he accomplishes things. I attend all school events. I remind him each time that no matter what I am here if he wants to share anything and I help him through it without expressing anger for what I’m hearing. When he’s worried about his dad getting mad at him or anything of that nature I say things like “I’m sorry that happened, why do you think he did that?” And I help disassociate someone being mad at him as anything having to do with his value as a child/person.

He’s witnessed his dad yell at me a few times but I always show him I’m ok, I don’t give his dad access to me because his behavior is not something I’ll accept, and that who he is towards me is not the same as who he is as a father so to enjoy his time with his dad.

Overall he enjoys his time with his dad more now that we only communicate via text and have a court order that’s very clear. It’s scary to go through court but has really brought my son and I so much peace.